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Hi all, just looking for some advice. There's this girl that I've hung out with in the same friend group and hooked up with on the weekends on and off for around 6 years. In the earlier phases sometimes I would say some things drunkenly in the heat of passion that I didn't necessarily mean which I obviously heavily regret now.. Well anyways on and off throughout the years I tried to put a stop to it and tried to be strictly friends. Which would work for a while and we'd end up hooking up again on and off. When I would start seeing other girls she would flip out about it, emotionally black mail me, tell me I ruined her life, etc. Keep in mind this girl has been a great friend to me and has been there for me through some tough times.

 

Well about 5 months ago I finally got the guts to tell her that I would like to completely cut off contact, I felt there was no way either of us could move on with our lives. She couldn't handle even seeing me around another girl. I've attempted to do it numerous times over the past couple years but she refused to let it end, always contacting me. Thinks of me as her "best friend" even though I don't feel that way about our friendship, I do care about her as a person and friend but I did not consider her a best friend. Anyways after arguing about it for weeks eventually I stopped hearing from her. My anxiety was slowly getting better and I imagine she probably felt better too.

 

So fast forward 4 months to a few weeks ago after not talking all that time I was at a friend's birthday and got home around 2 AM, was intoxicated and she sent me a message which I ignored, once she saw I read it and didn't respond she sent another one. So I responded and one thing lead to another and she ended up coming over and hooking up. The next day i obviously instantly regretted ruining all the progress we made and she asked me if my feelings had changed in the time not talking. I told her no im just trying to work on me and my mental health and stuff which was true. Well about 4 or 5 days after we hooked up so about a week and a half ago i met this girl and we started talking and hanging out and had immediate chemistry off the bat, things have clicked and now we're essentially together. I told the new girl about the situation including the hooking up a few weeks earlier before I knew her because I didn't want to hide that from her, this is the first time I've felt this strongly for someone. Anyways since me and the original girl had a lot of the same friend groups and she always asked me to let her know if I started seeing someone else so she wasn't blindsided.

 

So after thinking about it I texted her and let her know about the new girl and that I've been seeing her. She immediately went ballistic and told me i ruined her life, that I used her,, her outlook on relationships is ruined, her mental health, said she was going to tell everyone how awful of a person i am and told me not to be surprised if she hurt or killed herself because of it. She said i lied because I said i was working on myself and had never taken her on a date and now all of a sudden I'm seeing this new girl. Which I understand why she was mad, so i tried to be sensitive to that and tell her how awful I feel, because I really do, I have so much guilt and anxiety I can barely think. But at the same time I felt like lying to her to make her feel better would only hurt more in the long run. So now she keeps randomly messaging me saying nasty things to me, telling me I better never show up at a place she's at ever again or she'll cause a scene and all that. She says I never deserve to be happy and if I end up happy there is no God because of what I put her through. I feel like a huge piece of it makes me feel like I don't even deserve this great new girl in my life. I tend to overthink things and can't tell if I'm some monster and should feel guilty about trying to get us both to move on with our lives. Any thoughts?

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Both of you are equally guilty for this mess and sound very immature. She is an adult (presumably). She chose to participate in all this malarkey. She could have stopped humoring you at year 1. Once, you were on and off the second time around, she should have bailed. She was making informed choices after that. You could also have stopped at any time. For some reason you seem to enjoy all this drama or you would have stopped all contact with her already. It takes two to tango. You can stop engaging her at any time and stop this nonsense drama. Block, delete, don't reply, end of story. It's that simple.

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Reading through all of this, my thoughts are that your severe lack of good judgment and your inability to recognize a plethora of red flags is cause for much concern here. This woman is deeply, severely troubled; I strongly advise against any further engagement with such a person. She ought to be blocked so that she is no longer able to randomly message you.

 

Have you ever heard of the "Jodi Arias, Travis Alexander" crime case? This situation is eerily similar to it, I suggest reading up on it as Travis Alexander made many of the same errors in judgment that you are making. He ignored many red flags in Jodi, her erratic behavior, her obsession, her inability to let him go and leave him alone. Travis kept letting Jodi back in, and in the end, he paid dearly for it.

 

My advice is to NOT allow such a disturbed individual any access into your life whatsoever. Also, continue working on yourself so that you learn to recognize red flags and may avoid toxic people in future.

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I told the new girl about the situation including the hooking up a few weeks earlier before I knew her because I didn't want to hide that from her, this is the first time I've felt this strongly for someone. Anyways since me and the original girl had a lot of the same friend groups and she always asked me to let her know if I started seeing someone else so she wasn't blindsided.

 

So after thinking about it I texted her and let her know about the new girl and that I've been seeing her. She immediately went ballistic and told me i ruined her life, that I used her,, her outlook on relationships is ruined, her mental health, said she was going to tell everyone how awful of a person i am and told me not to be surprised if she hurt or killed herself because of it.

 

How old are you? Seems like a revolving door of parties, hookups, and very brief relationships for you in the last 6 years. If you're in the same friend group as her, looks as though changes need to be made so that you no longer encounter this ex FWB. Try avoiding group events where she might be there. Do one on one things with your favorite friends in the group, or guys only events.

 

The first time you've felt so strongly about a woman, and it's only been 10 days in? It's called infatuation. You haven't even scratched the surface of who she is. It was a mistake to tell her about sleeping with someone before you met her. Why would you want her envisioning this when it's irrelevant?

 

It's actually unfair to the new woman to be drawn into your drama. You haven't totally cut the ex FWB from your life, neither emotionally and too recently, physically. And you made a mistake by agreeing to, and following through with telling her about your new relationship. It's absolutely none of her business and if she has a hard time handling the news if she'd found out another way, that's her problem.

 

This is all kid stuff. Most people progress to more mature levels beyond high school. If you see a pattern during the last 6 years and how you behave and how you spend your leisure time and it's not working, time to reconsider what changes you can make in your social life.

 

Go no contact with the ex FWB. Change your phone number if you have to. There is always a solution to getting out of toxic situations. You're doing her a favor even though she doesn't know it right now. And if she threatens suicide, tell her you're calling 911. Don't let people manipulate you or blackmail you with threats. The ego boost you might get from this attention is preventing you from leading the life you really want without her, and it's keeping her in a relationship that's wrong for her, even though she claims to want those breadcrumbs.

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Thank you all for your posts. I wanted it to end a long time ago I've just felt an extreme amount of guilt, which I guess is exactly what she wanted. I held strong for a long time despite her continuous attempts. She knows I'm heavily in my head and overthink everything. I guess in my head I worried that if I did block her or whatever that would push her over the edge and she would do something hurtful to herself or to me.

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You know this woman is not stable and is deeply attached to you. You know it confuses her and hurts her when you are happy to have sex but not date her. Thus, you knew better than to have sex with her again. A dose of remorse for your conduct with her could serve you well.

 

That is not to say she is totally helpless here. She should know better than to have sex with you, too. However, the fact that she has threatened to hurt or kill herself indicates she very troubled and not thinking rationally. You appear to be much more in control of your faculties and therefore in a better position to have put a lid on all of this.

 

I wouldn't say you're a bad person all around, but you certainly need to grow up and learn some boundaries.

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Are you a bad person? Simply put - yes. You've known for years how this girl feels about you, not to mention that she is unstable mentally and took advantage of that and used her. Don't bs about how you tried but just "couldn't" manage to keep your d in your pants around her. That's such dishonest bs on your part and that is what makes you a bad person - lying to yourself and others about your very selfish actions.

 

If you do want to be a good person, then STOP leading this girl on. Block, delete, be clear that you are done and yes, honor her request to keep away from her so she can finally heal and move on. No more contact whatsoever ever again. This isn't just about the ex-fwb but also about honoring your current relationship. There is absolutely no way that you should have the ex still buzzing around you or have your new gf exposed to that drama. If that means finding a new circle of friends, so be it. That's your atonement for the wrongs of the past, aka grow up and start acting like a decent human being.

 

Guilt is neither here nor there and gets you nowhere. Take action and clean up your life and your act. When you act properly and make the right choices, even when hard, it's amazing how you have nothing to feel guilty about. It's all a choice.

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I get that but this was the first time we had touched in like 15 months because I rejected all of her advances previously to that even after she continuously tried to get me to do it. I gave in this time and i deeply regret and I fully take responsibility for the role I played and the role I played letting it get to this point. I just feel like it permanently makes me a bad person and I honestly feel like I'm a pretty good person but my mind won't stop

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Look, you wanted to keep having sex with her. Your man part didn't accidentally fall inside her lady part. You could have said no but I presume you were horny and wanted an easy lay.

 

That's not to say she's entirely innocent. She thought sex meant you loved her despite all the evidence to the contrary.

 

So what exactly are you upset about? That you're a "bad person" or that your friend group might side with her?

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I'm not worried about what others think of me I'm worried about what I think of me. I'm very critical of myself and tend to dwell on things and beat myself up over them. I know in this case I deserve it. I definitely learned my lesson. I'm just worried that this permanently makes me a bad person

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No, it doesn't. Stop with the pity party already. The past is the past. Focus on your new life with your girlfriend and put the past behind you. The recurring negative thoughts about yourself and others have to stop. It's going to bite you real hard if you don't know when to walk away from the past and bad situations.

 

Restart your life and stop looking for trouble and more issues. Put it all behind you. Move forwards and don't self-sabotage.

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I'm not worried about what others think of me I'm worried about what I think of me. I'm very critical of myself and tend to dwell on things and beat myself up over them. I know in this case I deserve it. I definitely learned my lesson. I'm just worried that this permanently makes me a bad person

 

If you don't want to be a bad person, then knock it off with the pity party. You know good and well what to do - block her and stay far away from her. Find new friends if you need to. Focus on your current gf and relationship and give that your all. No more drama games and do NOT expose your current gf to your past bs.

 

There is no such thing as permanently bad. What you do today, right now determines your direction in life and who you are.

 

Life is dynamic, not static. As such, nobody is ever 100% good or 100% bad. Life changes, people make choices. Sometimes they are good choices, sometimes bad. Right now you are at that fork in the road - you can block, delete, stay away from the ex and choose the good person path forward...OR...you can keep the lines open, get pulled into more drama, keep that chic on the hook and be a pos. Your choice, so CHOOSE and quit whining about it. It's not the end of the world either way.

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I'm not worried about what others think of me I'm worried about what I think of me. I'm very critical of myself and tend to dwell on things and beat myself up over them. I know in this case I deserve it. I definitely learned my lesson. I'm just worried that this permanently makes me a bad person

 

I don't know if you're a church going person, but I think one teaching is "go forth and sin no more". That doesn't mean you have to be perfect, but that going forward you strive not to hurt others ever again.

 

So, next time you're buzzed and horny do not call her and do not pick up her calls. Simple as that.

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Well you can't change the past but you can change the future. You have a new girlfriend now and she really needs to be the reason that you end it once and for all. How do you think your new girlfriend feels that you still keep communicating with the other girl? I wouldn't like it one bit if that was me. The reason why the previous girl keeps contacting you is because you let her and you keep replying. You need to block her on literally everything and don't ever unlock her or respond to her ever again. You have already apologised to this girl many times and said you feel bad, just leave it at that. You can't do anything else or change anything that happened, it's all in the past.

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I'm not worried about what others think of me I'm worried about what I think of me. I'm very critical of myself and tend to dwell on things and beat myself up over them. I know in this case I deserve it. I definitely learned my lesson. I'm just worried that this permanently makes me a bad person

 

What does that mean to you, exactly?

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I'm not worried about what others think of me I'm worried about what I think of me. I'm very critical of myself and tend to dwell on things and beat myself up over them. I know in this case I deserve it. I definitely learned my lesson. I'm just worried that this permanently makes me a bad person

 

What lesson did you learn?

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