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Hey guys

 

Its been almost 3 weeks since the break up. A bit of a back story might help.

I was in a long term relationship with someone who I thought i would spend the rest of my life with.

Engaged, and planning to move in together when corona ended and we both could comfortably afford to (both proactively saving).

Deeply in love, focused on our future together and always willing to work through tough times.

Open communication and understanding, but often putting each other's needs before our own.

Communication changed, I become comfortable to talk about everything with her (which she insisted) she became less open and would bring something up and discredit it.

I would tell her not to discredit it and would openly talk with her about her feelings and what i can do to help, she would attempt to do the same but wpuld get offended when i brought up a thought or issue, telling me she's no good and i should just break up with her if i feel that way. I never blamed her for any issues, relationships are a two way street and if there is an issue it is most commonly due to both persons, not just one.

Anyway, the morning of the break up I was with her. I had a nightmare that she broke up with me and i told her about it. She told me it's never going to happen, we laughed about it and as the day proceeded I went home and she had a councillor appointment. Next thing she's breaking up with me. Over messenger. I fought for her (I know, petty stupid, needy) It shocked me. It still does. I find out she's been unhappy for a few months and that I've hurt her and she can't forgive me. She needs to focus on herself, the relationship is one sided etc.

I know what i did wrong, I told her too much, I let her down by letting my issues affect me so much that it affected our relationship (stress caused low libido = her feel unloved) even with explanation of it not being her and that it's my issues, I can see how that could affect someone.

 

I'm just, I thought we were stronger than this. She says she loves me but she doesn't believe I'll get better and change, and thay she can forgive me.

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She did, I know I'm stupid for over looking it, I can't even come up with a reason to explain why I over look it. I guess i truely believe she didn't mean to do so.

 

This is something to explore, in time, as I think you may find a correlation between the energy you're putting into her right now, and blaming yourself, and avoiding the energy required to figure out why someone being physically violent with you is something you're willing to overlook, downplay.

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Today I am feeling down. I'm so confused. I don't want to love her anymore, but you can't just stop loving someone and it is killing me.

I want to focus on myself and my healing and am trying my hardest to but I feel so guilty. How could I not notice she was hurting? Why didn't she tell me? All these why's and ifs are driving me up the wall. Why do I want her back so badly when it was so easy for her to leave? I just wanted her to be happy and she said i made her the happiest she has ever been and then this happens. I'm sorry I'm not making sense. My head is a mess and Every time I try to work through it rationally it just frustrates me more. I can't make sense of it. I'm trying to put myself in her shoes but I'm not her. I'm me. I deal with things differently. I feel things differently. I love whole heartedly and openly. I meant it when i told her I would never leave, nor ever break her heart. I overlooked things i shouldn't have because i thought they were mistakes and took her word for it.

 

Looking into the unknown, if i had a time machine I don't know whether I would go back and fix things for her, for me, for us, or if i would go a few months or even a year into the future just so i felt some semblance of okay again.

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I'm sorry you're feeling down.

 

Can I ask how old you guys are? I ask because, at least to my eyes, a lot of what you described in your earlier post is the sort of relationship dynamic that can make sense when you're young, or young-ish, but loses its magnetism with some age and experience.

 

Hope that doesn't sound patronizing, as I don't mean it that way, but one thing that really stood out to me? The moment with the niece. Whatever else was brewing prior to that, this was a woman who guilted you for attention when you were looking after a child. And then hit you in the arm? I'm sorry, but all that is just a whole lot of toxicity: not something to fix, but to recover from, and walk away from.

 

Her behavior right there is that of someone who has a long way to go before they can handle the basic business of living. You don't always get the attention you want, when you want. You don't feel like the "priority" to anyone 24/7, 365. And when you do things you didn't mean to do, as we all do, it does not extend to hurting other people. All that is baseline adulthood. When two adults, for whatever reason, can't behave like adults around each other it generally means that they are better off loving each other from afar, and letting that love fade, because otherwise you just end up conditioning yourself to rationalize irrational and unacceptable behavior and calling that love.

 

Not sure if that helps, but I'll just put it out there in hopes that offers a little something to hold onto in these spins. They're hard, I know. But there's peace on the other side of them.

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Hey OP.. I had to take some time before replying. In fact, I have no idea what I will say. Normally Ill read someones past threads, get a feel for the situation then post. With yours, I initially would of suggested couples counseling. Maybe she is confused and maybe she is going thru a tough time and perhaps all you need is a counselor to see if this relationship could continue.

Normally I would of gone with that. But there were things you said that she said like you should find someone better, or that she cant forgive you and she had hid the fact that she had been unhappy for a while now.

So instead of trying to dissect the relationship of where things could of happened. I think this is the best way to approach the break up.

 

She wasn't the one for you, you are meant to be with someone else.

 

I think out of any answer I could give you to all of your questions. This one is the best answer. She was not the one for you. It might of seemed like it, maybe at one point she was, but reality is that there is someone out there who is better for you. If you can accept that, then it should ease your pain and guilt. She cant forgive you? She is not the one for you... she said find someone better (she said that to sabotage the relationship).. She is not the one for you.

 

Any question you may have it probably could be answered with that. And just by saying that there is someone out there better for you, it gives you hope, its positive, it doesn't give you a dead end but gives you endless possibilities. Im sure you made mistakes and Im sure she did too. But right now, going back and trying to examine what happened is not as productive as going back and learning from it. Since you cant correct mistakes in a broken relationship, don't make those same mistakes in your next relationship.

 

So I know it sucks, I feel your pain and Ive been where you are. So to clear the fog of confusion, just sit or take a walk and tell yourself that you learn from this and know there is someone better for you.

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Thank you all for tsking the time to read this thread and offer your advice, i truely appreciate it.

 

I am 26 and she is 22.

We were both so in sync and when things were good 90% of the time, they were amazing. But that 10% where things weren't so good weren't horrible either. Just petty little things except for the outbursts of violence and jealousy. I guess i keep down playing those because I'm still completely and utterly in love with her and i guess i have those rose coloured glasses on still.

My mind tells me that this is for the best, that what we had although mostly good was also bad when it was bad. And that i deserve better than this. But when it was good it was amazing. The connection, the support, the trust.

 

No1, I know she is confused, she has told me this. She would say I deserve better whenever we would have a disagreement, I think this is due to her abandonment issues. Instead of me leaving, she would push me away so it wouldn't hurt as much? Just a theory, but it makes sense.

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Before you can move on, it would be best to take a long objective look at things. You were quite emotionally abusive to her.

 

Things were far from 90% perfect. You shut her out, took your stress out on her and became a bully.

 

You need to educate yourself on lesbian domestic violence. It's not just physical, it's the overall pattern of behavior.

 

Don't jump into another relationship until you have done some soul searching. She as well was abusive. Educate yourself.

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Today I woke up and thought of her straight away. I'm struggling to let things go. I have to see her tomorrow for a councilling appointment and i know either way that tomorrow is going to be a very hard day. I've done a lot of soul searching and still have much more to do, but i can honestly say that I was never, ever a bully to her, nor was I intentionally abusive. I never shut her out. I don't know what to say to the above comment.

 

This space for me was supposed to be safe so i could ask for help, get similar stories of making it through the tunnel, help some others with my learnings and feel understood. Now i don't know. Maybe i am the problem, I know I'm not perfect, no one is. And you should never expect someone to be. But I'm trying to learn, to heal and to be a better person.

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It is for both of us. We agreed to go to try to sort some things she had left unsaid out. Both of our councillors will be there and she said there are things she feels she needs to say and i also have things i need to say.

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