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I regret opening up my issues to my boyfriend


seanelly

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last night me and my boyfriend were playing a game together online while we were on call, it was late at night. We werent fighting or anything but he said something that triggered me wherein he said how he loves how I keep my promises on how I dont easily give up on our relationship. It seems like a sweet thing to say to your partner but to me it seems sweet but it made me remember countless times as to how many times my boyfriend proceeded to constantly break up with me before whenever we have a fight.

 

When I heard him say that, I said to him as how I wish he can apply that to himself too, it didnt seem like an argument so he just took it lightly while I make petty remarks about the things he did while we were still playing together. He eventually got sleepy and went to bed first, but before he slept he can really tell that something was bugging me and we had a small argument but since he was too tired he left the call due to just being sleepy and irritated.

 

By the time he's asleep I explain was one sided of me toed to him how y I was to him that night and the things we fought about before still bother me because of how easy it was for him to leave me and that I wanted us to discuss it by the time he wakes up. By the time he woke up he said to me that we should call about this. When we were on call he started getting angry as to why i messaged him those things, and how I make it seem like it its one sided when i bring those up. Eventually our big fight led to him blocking me in all social medias again, telling me he's done with me, and him making his phone unreachable for calls.

 

In our relationship I often question myself if I was mostly the problem in the relationship, many reasons why in the past he constantly wants to break up with me was because of the mistakes i did before wherein i was too needy and demanding of his attention. I do admit that having those traits can drain someone out but knowing my boyfriend before, he resorts everything to anger and shutting people out who "hurt" him. But he has also shown actions where its often a sign where I can just leave him in the dumps, mostly him cursing at me before and saying some things that can make a person question their capabilities.

 

When I expressed to him last night in his messages how Im still not okay with the fact that in the past he used to breakup up with me a lot in our fights and how it scares me that he might break up with me again that easily if we ever argue again, I expected that he could at least understand as to why im bringing those things up because to me they are still unresolved. But instead he had to make it seem like the things i said to him on chat were a rebuttal to his little debate.

 

Am I wrong for addressing an issue that still bothers me in our relationship? I just wanted him for once to be more understanding and show compassion in situations like these where I feel like I need reassurance in our relationship. This is one of many reasons why I dont share my problems with him like he would to me, I very much feel like being vulnerable towards him is a crime and can result to fights.

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I once had a partner go radio silent on me for 10 days, TEN DAYS!

 

Never again, being blocked after an argument is a really poor way to communicate your unhappiness and would absolutely trigger my anxieties. It's not an attribute I want in a partner. Dump that ****** ***

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When I started reading what had happened it all seemed very familiar and yes, you posted at the end of May about the same sort of problems. The general advice you received was that you are in a bad relationship and that you need to get out in order to preserve what's left of your self-esteem. I doubt you are going to be told anything different this time around, to be honest.

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If someone would rather break up with you than resolve issues that are normal within a relationship then allow them to break up with you and do NOT allow them to return.

 

You have allowed him to return without any resolution of arguments in the past , you need to accept your responsibility in that.

 

You absolutely should be able to discuss your feelings with a partner and argue about them without the fear of being dumped for it. And when you are dumped for it , it is essentially him invalidating your feelings and making you feel worthless and disposable.

 

Unfortunately for you , you have gone back every time , In an attempt to feel worthy again and loved.

But with each time you get disposed of so easily , like now, further damage is being done to your self esteem.

 

The good news is that YOU can take back control of your own self worth but you can only do this by losing him.

He treats you so poorly and you accept it time and time again. Why?

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Arguments disagreements are common in relationships.

if one or the other takes it to breakup or makes the other feel like so, its an indication there have been some unresolved issues in past either childhood or growing up experiences.

If he understands this then he will need to sort himself out as he cant handle it himself.

Maybe a therapist can help here.

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.

 

Am I wrong for addressing an issue that still bothers me in our relationship? I just wanted him for once to be more understanding and show compassion in situations like these where I feel like I need reassurance in our relationship. This is one of many reasons why I dont share my problems with him like he would to me, I very much feel like being vulnerable towards him is a crime and can result to fights.

 

Where you are wrong is expecting a person to be someone they are not.

 

He is not understanding and compassionate.

 

He does not meet your needs. Find someone else. He treats you like crap and you let him.

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The problem isn't that you opened up to him.

 

The problem is that you have a loser boyfriend who you expect to change. He's not going to. He's shown you repeatedly that you mean little to him, and he treats you poorly.

 

This isn't going to get better. Expect more of the same, or find a new boyfriend.

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The problem doesn't lie within him anymore....the problem is with you. You keep beating a dead horse. He is the way he is...stop trying to make sure he feels your hurt...he doesn't care and this is going nowhere. get off the pot and dump this guy already. I told you a month ago get some self worth, and move on. You can do way better than this...stop driving your emotions into into the ground, it's so not worth it!

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I'm not sure I'm understanding clearly. Are you saying you sent him serious texts about what bothered you about the relationship while he was asleep? I don't think you have to swing to deep regret. There's a reason why it spilled out this way. Take a look at things more closely. Don't keep feeling upset, opening up, beating yourself up over it and swinging from one extreme to another.

 

I think it's also a good idea to think beyond the resentment and the emotion behind what you're feeling. What do you hope the outcome will be from a heart to heart conversation about the past? Are you looking for acknowledgment and remorse from him? Do you want to hear an apology? What can both of you do that will satisfy you and make amends for the past?

 

It's normal to war within yourself and wonder whether a person is good for you. Sometimes that conversation is a solo conversation and a journey to be had alone. There may actually be nothing that the other person can do to make you feel better about the way a relationship is or the way a dynamic is. Take a good look at his traits. If you can't trust him or the trust is broken, reconsider whether being together is hurting the both of you more than it's providing any positives. Are you in this relationship out of loneliness or fear being alone? Is it out of convenience?

 

Forgiveness comes with time. Trust, once broken, is hard to put back together. If you can't trust his decisions or judgment, I don't think you have a leg to stand on. You'll be walking on eggshells around this person wondering when the next time he'll flare up and break up with you or block you all over. Decide what's best for you and what kind of outcome you want for yourself in the people and relationships around you.

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Your boyfriend has a communication problem which is alarming. He doesn't want to discuss and resolve any issues with you. He's uncomfortable answering your questions or doesn't know what to say to you. Some people are inept when it comes to having a discussion. They don't have the desire to put concerted, sincere effort into healing the relationship. This applies to everyone whether it's a relationship, friendship, marriage, family relationships, etc. Both sides have to want it and have the emotional intelligence to make the relationship succeed or at least make amends.

 

Your boyfriend lacks emotional maturity. I've observed this in several people in my life. Some people only want the basics in life which is food, superficial conversations, everyday life such as errands, appointments, work, maintaining their households, social activities or contacts and repeat. They only want simple peace and if there are any issues, it's YOUR problem, not theirs. It's a very selfish mindset when they don't care about how you feel. It's all about them and their convenience. They don't want you to disrupt nor complicate their lives with whatever concerns you. Remember that. Their brains can only handle the simplest routines and should you dig deeper than that, forget it. You might as well talk to a wall because this is all you're going to get. Or, they'll verbally attack you or in written form. Either way, it's all bad.

 

Some people want you to just keep your mouth shut, never complain and if you're outspoken, they'll shut you down. They'll control and manipulate you. Beware. I avoid these "red flag" type people just like the COVID-19 plague! :eek:

 

You need to question if you see a future with your boyfriend or if he's only temporary.

 

I've known people who don't know how to carry on a mature, CALM discussion like two adults. They behave aggressively with hanging up on you in the middle of your phone conversation, blocking you, gaslighting you (Google gaslighting), sending you nasty texts, message or emails and the whole dirty lot. You can't reason with some people. It's just the way it is in this life.

 

Either accept your boyfriend the way he is or choose a man who knows how to communicate with you INTELLIGENTLY and CALMLY. This is the type of man you should have. Any other man is difficult and incompatible.

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When I started reading what had happened it all seemed very familiar and yes, you posted at the end of May about the same sort of problems. The general advice you received was that you are in a bad relationship and that you need to get out in order to preserve what's left of your self-esteem. I doubt you are going to be told anything different this time around, to be honest.

I second this post. OP, nothing has changed. What more needs to happen and how many more fights will it take for you to finally recognise that he's a loser and that this "relationship" is just not working? Is your self-esteem so low that you need to stay in such misery? Do yourself a huge favour and end things already. You can do a lot better.

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Unfortunately, I can relate to all of this. It can and will continue to cycle. He may decide to unblock you and talk again but, mostlikely, the core of the problem won't get solved. Don't let it get swept under the rug. The best thing you can do for yourself is take this time to move on. I know that sounds painful because you really rather him care enough to work through the problems rather than withdraw but he is not capable of doing so. You're seeing a pattern here. I wish I could tell you what you want to hear and say that he'd apologize and be understanding and that he won't leave but look what he did again. He left! Real mature conversations would've involved him not blocking you and not getting in a heated argument but truly listening to you regardless of his views. I know how you feel. I've been with a guy a whole year like this and we lived together! He will continue to take advantage of you being so caring and forgiving while he knows he has the advantage of shutting you out whenever he's unhappy. It's not fair or respectful to you. A healthy relationship involves effort on both parts!

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Tell your parents, a trusted adult, teacher, doctor, etc. that you are in an abusive situation. Read up on teen dating red flags. It's been 7 months of chronic combat and on off issues. This is not normal or healthy. TELL AN ADULT ABOUT WHAT IS GOING ON.

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