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Partner does not a child


Princess70

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Hello everyone,

 

I want to say thanks to anyone reading my story.

 

I've met a very sweet man during fall last year, and are engaged. We click very well, and share many things. Past and current matters.We share the same humour, we were raised in the same area. We have similarities when it comes to political choice, and spirituality, and subjects we both have interests in. Ofcourse not everything but many things, and we have great chemistry....

 

He is 20 years older than I am. He is 60 and I am 40 years old. Never had a child because I was not ready to have one, or when I wanted an ex

did not want one. I am not the youngest to start a child and I am not really ready right now in the moment, but do want one. More so, I am a little afraid I would miss one later in life. I am not 100 percent sure, but do have this feelings. When I was single I did not really wanted one. But now I am with my current partner I want one. He does not want kids. What should I do? I worry that if I go ahead to have one through donor etc I am not sure if it will be healthy or would have the energy for one.

 

Anyone who experienced this?

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Maybe do more research and speak to your doctor about your concerns. Your doctor will give you a full work up and discuss with you any health concerns in your age group. Make an informed decision, not one only based on internet science and WebMD or forums of 40+ mothers. Speak with your doctor and see what your options are.

 

If this person you are engaged to doesn't want children you also need to discuss that with your partner. Hiding that information is manipulative in the long run. Imagine finding out something about your partner later on that causes a divide. Be honest about it and confident enough in yourself to go your separate ways if you are not innately happy with your fiance. This is a decision between the both of you.

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Does he have grown kids? Do you live together? Why not wait until you know each other better before making any sort of decision. Particularly if this is a rebound situation and you are fast-tracking since your last relationship which ended last fall. Most importantly, he does not seem open to adoption and you would need your overall health evaluated.

 

My advice about recovering from the last relationship remains the same. https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=564577&p=7215106&viewfull=1#post7215106

I've met a very sweet man during fall last year, and are engaged. He is 60 and I am 40 years old. now I am with my current partner I want one. He does not want kids.

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I am almost 54 and I can tell you right now I certainly wouldn’t have a kid at 60 I could be dead in the ground before the kid is even 10 years old . I would never never never never never never have a kid at 60.

 

That is already past the age of most first time grandparents . My mom was a grandma at 51 I even waited until I was 30 to have my son.

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I agree, no kid anywhere near close to age 60. You may not live to see the kid start kindergarten and definitely not graduate college.

 

At 40 you are close to your limit age wise and there's no guarantee you can get pregnant anyway. You may want to rethink this or find a younger man.

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Thank everyone,

 

To boltnrun, yes it him. We spoke about it and I apologised and have been in therapy since. I have been suffering from a depression and in therapy right now since.

 

@ Wiseman, yes he has one child he does not see since his ex does not want to. A very complicated situation but I fully trust his story on what happened.

 

@ Rose Moss, no I do not intend to do that. Because I fear the consequences. My age, possible problems concerning the child and a double break-up.

 

Since he does not want one, and I have been having a little doubts due to the heavy responsibilities and whether I would be there due to health etc.

 

But I am a little worried that I might miss out on a chance of having one ever..... But I do love him a lot, and would do anything even if it would mean giving up on my wish.

But maybe I do not fully realise the heaviness of this, and he has been suffering from a depression years ago. I am not ready now as I am in therapy sorting myself out. But what if I feel very ready after one year or two? I have not had any embryos frozen or anything of that sort. And I am hesitant to having ivf even without him because I may not handle the emotional consequences.

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If you don’t feel you can handle the emotional consequences of having a child on your own please don’t consider having one. Children are a lifetime commitment whether you have a partner or not. They are a lifetime commitment till you die. Being a parent never ends not even when they leave home.

 

If you are having therapy for huge emotional upheaval and depression please reconsider. Children need happy healthy parents both of which who want them.

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You've both only met last fall? Do you think marriage is rushing it a little? Why marry so quickly? Have you both picked a date? You have questions and issues about having a child and you also seem unclear about his depression or any lasting effects or ongoing depressed states between the both of you. You both haven't been with each other for a year.

 

It takes years to uncover what a person truly is like or what they really are. I'm just trying to understand why you're willing to marry this person when there are so many questions and it appears you're in a state of unrest and discontent and uncertainty.

 

Is it not more attractive of an idea to date each other for another two or three years or longer and work on yourselves independently without jumping into marriage? Is the living situation an issue or you both want to move in with each other or are you already living together?

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Princess, the title of your thread "Partner does not want a child".

And you have added: "He does not want kids".

 

What else is there to say?

 

Besides there is this.

 

"He has OCD (where he cleans, keeps every penny in a bag to not contaminate etc). He also cannot tolerate mobile phones, internet, or anything that has blue light. Even 5 minutes would give him a migraine he would say. He one went into a fetus position. And other got really pissed off and treated me badly and angry when I had turn the internet wifi on in my own flat. He thought that I had done this on purpose. That scared me and made me really uncomfortable."

 

So, I can only add to the advice from other posters and advise that you think this situation through very thoroughly.

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A child is a living, breathing, thinking and feeling human. They are not something you "get" like a car or a new handbag, just because other people have them or on a whim.

 

If you are slapping him in the face and he is yelling at you, please do not bring a child into this mess until you two have intensive therapy AND you both agree to have a child.

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When it comes to bringing children into the world, there is no compromise. Obviously, both spouses (or partners) need to emphatically agree.

 

He's 60 and old enough to be a grandfather not to mention he's burned out and wants to enjoy life with more freedom. At age 60, why would he want to be tied down with diapers, a screaming baby and sleepless nights? Been there, done that and not again. Most people don't have the same energy and patience to raise a child at age 60 and with all due respect, starting motherhood right now for you will be incredibly exhausting. There is higher chance of Downs Syndrome as an older mother.

 

Both of you are not mentally unstable and ill equipped for parenthood.

 

During pre-COVID-19, I once suggested to my friend and her husband to babysit a baby for a week 24 / 7 for free while the baby's parents were on vacation. Upon the parents' arrival, they promptly deposited the baby in their arms and fled! I also suggested the same scenario for a friend and her husband to babysit 2 children for a week for free and the same repeated scenario occurred. Both sets of spouses decided against having children following those harrowing experiences! :eek: You ought to try it. :smug:

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If you don’t feel you can handle the emotional consequences of having a child on your own please don’t consider having one. Children are a lifetime commitment whether you have a partner or not. They are a lifetime commitment till you die. Being a parent never ends not even when they leave home.

 

If you are having therapy for huge emotional upheaval and depression please reconsider. Children need happy healthy parents both of which who want them.

 

Excellent advice

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He is 60 and I am 40 years old.

 

I am not the youngest to start a child and I am not really ready right now in the moment,

 

He does not want kids.

 

I worry that if I go ahead to have one through donor etc I am not sure if it will be healthy or would have the energy for one.

 

have been in therapy since. I have been suffering from a depression and in therapy right now since.

 

When you add all the above up, all I see is a recipe for disaster. A child deserves to be WANTED by BOTH parents, brought up in a happy, healthy environment. None of the above points to any of that right now (imo).

 

If you already have doubts about not having enough energy for a child, then please, please, for the sake of the child, do NOT have one because trust me, children are exhausting at the best of times and it lasts for years and years. When you're tired, stressed out and exhausted you can't just go to bed, or rest on the couch etc. You're in this for the long run and believe me, it is a long, long time before they are able to take care of themselves.

 

In summary, I think it's a bad idea.

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I'm sorry, you really missed the ride. Sorry to to tell ya. You would be doing a child no favors by marrying someone on the quick who doesn't want a child, then somehow getting pregnant "by mistake" then have a resentful grandpa-aged dad who will be past 80 yeas old by the time the kid got out of high school. Oh, and retired dad? How's he paying for the stuff a kid needs on a fixed income?

 

Whatever issues you have had prior to now that has prevented you from having a child are still present. You cannot put it all on your love interest.

 

Some decisions made in the past make it too late to revisit late. It would be incredibly selfish to pursue this. A child is not a doll to satisfy some urge you have regardless of how it would be for the child.

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You struggle with life as it is, what makes you think you will be able to be there 24/7 supporting/feeding/clothing/teaching/bathing/entertaining/educating a kid? Raising a child is no picnic, it's costly, you have very little life because the kid becomes your #1 priority. Sorry but you are being unrealistic and not thinking this through. I can see why your fiance is against it. Who wants to be changing dirty diapers at 60? or listening to a kid cry in the middle of the night. It's going to take away everything from your relationship with him.

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When he says that he doesn't want a child, you better believe him. Apparently, he is adamant that he wants no children. Accept that and don' t try to convince him otherwise. As I see it, you have two choices:

 

1. either you stay with him with the clear understanding that there will be no children, or

2. leave him and either go through IVF (if you can afford it) or consider adoption, if you truly want a child. There are plenty of single moms.

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Honestly, you CAN have a child.

 

1) Through traditional adoption.

2) Through IVF possibly

3) possibly using and egg donor

4) adopting embryos.

 

You do not have to be a single mom. There are men out there who do not have children age 35-50 who you could date.

 

But why marry a 60 year old man? What is appealing about that?

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The OP has not returned.

 

OP you say:

 

And I am hesitant to having ivf even without him because I may not handle the emotional consequences.

 

It doesn't matter who the man (or indeed his age) is if you are not certain anyhow that you can handle a pregnancy and motherhood.

 

As Smackie pointed out above, you struggle with life as it is.

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It would be incredibly selfish to have a child at both of your ages. The child would never know his father and if he did, your partner would be too old to be any kind of father to a small child.

He would not have the stamina or endurance a baby would need.

His father would also be long dead before he even reached the age of 20 and he were not dead, he'd soon be there. Losing a parent or parents that young, is cruel.

 

Your partner has already passed the point of being anyone's father.

 

A baby needs a mother AND a father who will be there right up till he is a grown man. Anything else will ensure a very sad and empty life for that person and doing that to a potential child is just plain wrong.

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