My fiance has been sending secret messages to people on the internet

[Dorothee]

Hello,

 

I seriously need some advice please.

 

I am 30 and have been with my fiance for 9 years, and we have been engaged for a year. Our wedding was meant to be in 3 months time but we postponed to next year because of covid.

 

4 years ago, on Valentine's Day of all days, I found out that he had been cheating on me. Not through anything physical, but he had set up a fake profile on a swingers website and gave himself a fake name. He posted naked pictures on there and was sending loads of disgustingly sexual messages to these people that he didn't even know. I found out by going through his ipad (which was linked to his phone messages where he'd obviously deleted them). The messages had been going on for months and months. When I confronted him about it, he was disgusted with himself and so sorry. He was in a dark place mentally and I wanted to forgive him for it.

 

We were about to move in together at the time, but this completely threw me. I contemplated breaking up with him but gave him another chance because I loved him so much and desperately wanted to make things work. We moved in together and carried on the relationship. Fast forward to 7 months later, I found similar messages being sent back and forth again (on his ipad). Again, I wanted to believe that our relationship was worth saving. But this was the second time now, and I didn't know if I could forgive him or not.

 

It took me a really long time to get over it. A year and a half after the second time, I got drunk on a night out and kissed a colleague that paid me attention. I told my bf and he forgave me. Then 6 months later, I kissed the same person again (also drunkenly on a night out), then when I was abroad on a solo trip, I kissed 2 other guys on drunken nights out. I didn't tell him about these times because I thought it would be the end of our relationship if I did. I know that I massively messed up.

 

But now, I just found out 2 days ago that he had messaged someone else back in March this year. He got their number off Craigslist and text them asking if they wanted to meet up and calling himself by the fake name again. The person didn't reply and I don't think he would have genuinely met up with this person but who knows.

 

In my head, what he has done to me is a lot worse than what I did to him. His was sober, intentional and very sexual. I still didn't trust him when I cheated, and I was incredibly drunk and instantly regretted it. I know it was an awful thing to do, and I feel so so bad that I did that and still haven't told him, while I have given him grief about what he has done.

 

I don't know whether to tell him about this now or not. I feel like if I do, it will completely end the relationship for good. But I really really don't want it to end. We are saving up to buy a house and talk about the future and get so excited about spending our lives together. We have everything planned for the wedding, we would also lose each other's family and friends, who we are both very close to. Our lives are so intertwined that if we broke up, it would be absolutely devastating. I know that we both love each other so much still and really want to make this work. But have no idea what to do because it is such a complicated situation.

 

Any help would be really appreciated...Thank you

[DancingFool]

So he isn't loyal, you aren't loyal........... I'd say stop pretending, lying, and cheating and just be honest with each other that you aren't really monogamous and would perhaps enjoy the swinging lifestyle. Some couples do and there is nothing wrong with that as long as you are both on the same page about it and again....being honest about things.

 

If you can't agree on that, then do not marry Mr. Craigslist Hookup - eventually you'll get some STI that has no cure. This isn't about buying a house, this is about your life and health. Get your priorities straight.

[shellyf62]

Im so sorry this is happening.

 

To be totally blunt, this isnt true I know that we both love each other so much still and really want to make this work

If he loved you he wouldnt be talking to other women, promising to stop, then doing it all over again.

He will never stop doing this.

 

So 2 options.....1.understand he is a cheat and stay with him, live your life with knowing he will be talking to others & lying to you about it and hating every minute of it or

2. know he is a cheat, leave, heal & find someone who treats you with the dignity & respect that you deserve.

 

I did option 2, and while it hurt very much in the short term my life is wonderful...yours can be too

[bluecastle]

Tough stuff, all this. Sorry about it all.

 

Granted, I'm just here in the bleacher seats, without all the feelings and history, but what you're describing is a relationship that has been on shaky, toxic ground for...well, perhaps for the majority of the relationship? Not fun to admit, I know. But something, going back 4 years ago, led you to go through his iPad. Were you nervous then that you had reasons to not trust him? If so, for how long was that edginess brewing?

 

In terms of what you found? Hard stuff to move past, right there. You tried, I know, as people do. But it seems that what really happened, in terms of how he processed it, is that you let him know that he could be forgiven for doing what he did. Because he was right back at it, and what happened? He was forgiven, again. I'd say that was the moment when something already sideways jumped the shark.

 

Seems you started rationalizing your own choice to continue to be with someone you didn't trust, and had no reason to trust, by behaving in an untrustworthy manner yourself. Understandable. When the bond of trust breaks, we look for new glue. In this case, it sounds like you've found that in guilt, doing things you feel guilty about so, like him, you can feel "bad" enough to stay in a relationship that sounds like it has felt pretty bad to stay in. Zoom out, after all, and you are both behaving very much like people who do not want to be with each other. You may both say Big Words about wanting to make it work, but those words are followed by sabotaging actions that render them pretty hollow.

 

I wish I had some lofty advice here, some way to steer everything back. And, hey, I could take a stab at that. Something like: first, come clean with everything, and say there is no moving forward until everything is explored, individually and collectively, in therapy. That means finding a way, essentially, to being into the relationship everything oppressed that is leading him to find emotional refuge and scintillation in swinger sites, Craigslist randoms, etc., along with your own desires to get some action on the side when things are itchy. A relationship where non-monogamy and cheating are okay, here and there, since that's the actual relationship you're in and have been in, for years.

 

And all that? It has to be something you both want, building a foundation in which monogamy isn't mandatory, where you're simply honest about that rather than each of you saying one thing and then acting in a different way. I'd say that path means at least an awful year straight of "work" for you both, with the odds of it leading to a healthy marriage at maybe 5 percent. Hail Mary, in short.

 

But the actual advice I want to give you? It's about accepting that toxic is toxic is toxic, and moving on. I certainly understand how overwhelming it is to imagine parting ways after nine years together, but here's the thing: that will mean one very weird, emotionally topsy-turvy year for you. One. That's a blink, in the scheme of your life, and unlike another weird, torturous year together, the odds of that one leading you to a better place are close to 100 percent. You could be 31, 32—young!—and ready for something that works as well as this relationship doesn't, something that nourishes your spirit in the same way this relationship has put it through a paper shredder a few times over.

[Wiseman2]

Does he have a sex addiction? Craigslist encounters tend to be high risk.

 

You both need STD testing.

[Hollyj]

Break up with this guy. There is no future here! Cheating on both sides.

 

I also suggest getting tested for STIs. I would bet money that bf has physically cheated.

 

You should have been done after the first incident.

[Rose Mosse]

It's not a competition... please don't lower yourself to this standard. Don't buy a house together and call off the wedding. Give yourself time to come to your senses - at least six months to a year. Don't contact this person (your fiance). Your friends and family will understand and the ones that don't? You can dust your hands off of those individuals and walk away knowing that they don't have your best interests at heart.

 

I get the feeling that none of this will appeal to you and the loss of shared friendships and being alone is terrifying.

 

What's more terrifying is the future ahead.

 

Think carefully about this and take a time out. Don't ruin the rest of your life knowingly, knowing that this person is the way he is.

 

Stop and think now.

 

Don't proceed any further and avoid getting drunk to the point where you make a fool of yourself. The last thing you need is to drive your self-worth further into the gutter. Stand up tall and start thinking for yourself. Hit pause. You've got this.

[SherrySher]

Please break up, neither of you are ready for marriage. You both need to sow your wild oats and are both cheaters are this point.

 

You doing wrong because he did wrong, is just plain foolish. Break up with the guy instead of going to his level. You know he's not satisfied sexually with just you and never will be. Accept it and end it with him unless you enjoy sharing him with these other women.

It won't ever change.

 

You on the other hand are not happy so you're acting the way you are, though to be honest, cheating isn't an easy thing to do and not everyone can act this way. Sober or not. You telling yourself you're not as bad as him because you were drunk, is just fooling yourself.

If you're allowing yourself to get so out of control from alcohol that this is how you behave, you need to check yourself.

 

Either way, this relationship is a disaster and needs to end. Get to a doctor and get looked over for STD's as well. What you found on your boyfriend, may just be the tip of the iceberg.

[SherrySher]

Also, he's not going to these other women because of 'poor mental health'. He's doing it because he enjoys a kinky sex life that includes many women and won't be happy with anything less.

[Capricorn3]

I find it really interesting that you posted an almost identical post about the same issue over three years ago. Seems nothing has changed. Knowing this is what he has been doing for several YEARS, it begs the question WHY on earth would you even go ahead with a wedding/marriage? Seriously. How can any marriage be successful when one has little to zero trust in the relationship, knowing there has been cheating going on for years? Going through with the wedding would be foolish beyond belief and eventually you'll end in divorce (imo).

 

Do both of you a great big favour and end it. Then take time out for at least a full year, if not more, to sort yourself out and get to a mentally healthier place.

[Wiseman2]

Open relationships like this are full of pain and disappointment. You both know about the extracurricular activities but pretend it's cheating, when in fact you both condone it by remaining together

[catfeeder]

I don't really understand the question. Does this boil down to, "We've both been disloyal, but I want to stay together, so should I throw a bomb to break us up?"

 

What makes sense about that to you?

[Lambert]

I'm going to be really blunt here.

 

I think you are kidding yourself that he has not gone through with meeting and having sex with others.

 

Neither of you are really present and fulfilled in this relationship.

 

He's living a double life. You're kissing other guys, blaming it on alcohol.

 

You probably are just codependent on each other due to time invested. You both basically have one foot out the door and you're not even married yet.

 

coulda, shoulda, woulda on the past, you can only fix the future. Continuing on with this is a mistake.

[Tinydance]

I think you are in denial to be honest. Your fiance has been doing this for years and you've confronted him about it many times, yet he hasn't stopped doing it. Just curious, has he given any reasons for why he keeps doing it? This doesn't excuse it, but I'm just wondering if this is a fetish to him? So he claims he hasn't actually met anyone from these websites in person?

 

I don't think what your fiance has done is worse than what you did, it's the same. Two wrongs don't make it right. You kissed those guys as revenge. Don't blame it on the alcohol because you basically admitted that you did it because you were hurt by what your fiance has done. So deep down you probably knew what you were doing.

 

This relationship is meant to be a monogamous relationship, but you have both cheated. Unless you want to have a polyamourous marriage, how do you actually see this working out? You have cheated too but you're keeping it from your fiance. So you are no saint either.

 

Sounds to me like this relationship has run its course. I doubt your partner will change because he knows he's hurting you, but he just keeps doing what he's doing and he doesn't want to stop. He's been doing it for four years so it's definitely not just a one off.

[Wiseman2]

Take this quiz. It seems he's had issues for years: https://saa-recovery.org/am-i-a-sex-addict/self-assessment/

[jimthzz]

If you feel like you need a shower to wash it all away, then you have to part.

 

Yuck.

 

There is no intimate bond between the two of you, not really. You have a wish list and it is not working.