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Broke up today


Blackpebble
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No. She just didn't take the bait. She let you hang yourself with your faux breakup. A simple and obvious manipulation. Like a kid who threatens to run away from home..

 

The best approach now is to accept the whole thing is over and delete and block her from all messaging apps.

You don’t think it’s a bit shocking she just let me go without any fight?
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No. She just didn't take the bait. She let you hang yourself with your faux breakup. A simple and obvious manipulation. Like a kid who threatens to run away from home..

 

The best approach now is to accept the whole thing is over and delete and block her from all messaging apps.

 

It wasn't baiting nor did I plan on it being a faux break-up. It's not like I didn't mean what I said about not being able to handle it anymore. I couldn't. It was making me lose respect for our relationship, myself, and her; all of which I didn't want. I would go to work and think about it. Or some days she would just be cooler than others. No one deserves to be in something where they are "building" together and the other person is pining for someone else. They are undermining the whole thing. It's like building a house together, then one person comes in and demolishes last week's work, and one day later saying we have to put up the wall which was just torn down. Then do that about 50 more times. And the times she didn't do that? I would already be paranoid she was about to do it, like a child who has been hit a bunch and then the adult just brushes their hair but they think they're about to be hit so they flinch; never-ending state of waiting for IT.

 

A relationship is in place to makes one's life more enriching and fulfilling, not to create jealousy and paranoia because you feel you've been and are continously compared to some ghost in a womans mind. And worse yet? Having the partner KNOW they are creating that within the other and not do anything about it. Or to call me insecure, and that I need to work on that. It was insane to have that be on my mind as much as it was and for her to still be drafting e-mails (even though she never sent them) as early as one month ago, which she wrote a day or two after we argued! It should have been me she was thinking about after the argument. Not her ex!

 

I never tried to manipulate her by walking away. It was about saving what was left of my self-respect, by putting my foot down and finally saying no more. My only option at that point was to walk away, even though I never wanted to. I had talked to her about it, expressed my discontent, insecurities, etc. But it was never respected or nurtured. This had been going on since the beginning and I know I deserve a hell of a lot more than to have my "loyal" girlfriend constructing personal e-mails to another man, even if she's not sending them. She had been taking time out of her day and composing a letter to someone else - another man who didn't even have the decency to message her back when she tried to obtain closure in the summer.

This is also the same woman who thought I was continuously checking other women out when I certainly wasn't. She was insecure and would question me for hours if she so much as thought I held a woman's gaze when we would walk on the seawall. Literally hours of questioning. It was always about her.

 

All in all, I can still be flabbergasted that she hasn't messaged me or called and I finally just walked to save my self-respect and sanity. And the second I walk, nothing? No chase? No care? If it was a faux walking on my part, I would have messaged her by now. I don't plan on ever contacting her again, if she doesn't message first. I will not break that one.

 

I was in my relationship 100% with her for one year and a half of my life! And all of a sudden she's GONE. That's shocking. Like losing an arm. And the thing is? I still want her. I just don't want her with the baggage of unfinished business; that's too heavy for anyone to carry throughout life. It was always as simple as that. I was so supportive for her to get her answers. I suggested she fly out to Scotland to talk to him, I suggested therapy so she could heal, to message him, to do anything to heal her heart and soul. Even if that meant me losing her. I would have traded that, losing her and me, so SHE could HEAL HERSELF. In the end, I know it's about fear of commitment, not about her ex. It's about being able to give and healthily receive love, and to be vulnerable. It's about ideas of love that are rooted to her childhood. She used her ex partially as a way to protect her heart, to me. A way to subtly push me away. Because nothing makes sense. How can a woman be so giving and caring, then one day later be cold and be bringing up an ex? For what? To me, it's reminding herself that nothing last's so it's easier to control it all by taking away the thing which she knows hurts the most - love.

 

Obviously I'm pissed and there's no real way to know anything.

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I'll try to address this, at least from what I'm seeing, though your home building metaphor.

 

A more precise analogy would be trying to build a home with someone without any genuine agreement on the style of home. She wants midcentury, you want New England cottage. Problem is, you do a lot to convey that you're open to midcentury—a lot more than you do to convey that you want New England cottage. You look at the midcentury plans, talk to the midcentury designers, even allow a few critical rooms of the house—bedroom, kitchen, bathroom—to be completely redone in midcentury. So now the bind is: you hate the home you've built, while she is comfortable in it. Double bind: you hate yourself for all the personal investment that went into the home. And all that comes out explosively, in declaring that you cannot, and will not, continue to live in it unless she agrees to tear it all down and rebuild it as a New England cottage.

 

Make any sense?

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I'll try to address this, at least from what I'm seeing, though your home building metaphor.

 

A more precise analogy would be trying to build a home with someone without any genuine agreement on the style of home. She wants midcentury, you want New England cottage. Problem is, you do a lot to convey that you're open to midcentury—a lot more than you do to convey that you want New England cottage. You look at the midcentury plans, talk to the midcentury designers, even allow a few critical rooms of the house—bedroom, kitchen, bathroom—to be completely redone in midcentury. So now the bind is: you hate the home you've built, while she is comfortable in it. Double bind: you hate yourself for all the personal investment that went into the home. And all that comes out explosively, in declaring that you cannot, and will not, continue to live in it unless she agrees to tear it all down and rebuild it as a New England cottage.

 

Make any sense?

 

Yea that's a great analogy and I think quite accurate pertaining to the situation between her and I.

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OP, when reading your post #52, all I see is a dysfunctional relationship so it begs the question WHY on earth would you want her back if it seems to be like you walk on eggshells all the time? I just don't get it. As for her not chasing you, or not contacting you ...... why would she? You guys have broken up. That's the cue to move on, NOT start chasing each other or staying in contact (imo). She's doing the right thing by NOT chasing you.

 

Time to learn to accept that it's over as it's pointless chasing your tail. It's done and dusted. Focus on YOU and your future.

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OP, when reading your post #52, all I see is a dysfunctional relationship so it begs the question WHY on earth would you want her back if it seems to be like you walk on eggshells all the time? I just don't get it. As for her not chasing you, or not contacting you ...... why would she? You guys have broken up. That's the cue to move on, NOT start chasing each other or staying in contact (imo). She's doing the right thing by NOT chasing you.

 

Time to learn to accept that it's over as it's pointless chasing your tail. It's done and dusted. Focus on YOU and your future.

 

It wasn’t all dysfunctional. A fair amount of thin gas worked. But the parts that didn’t - mainly her not being able to get over ex - really didn’t, and would erode what was good.

 

Well It’s not like we had some massive fight and then broke up in a sickly dramatic way. I just told her I couldn’t handle it anymore knowing she was drafting letters and wasn’t fully over it; it’s too much for a person (Me) to handle mentally. And so I had to walk. I would think at some point last week she would have called or messaged to gain clarity of the situation or something! To truly discuss things and be like “you actually want to break-up?” In most relationships I would surmise there would be a sliver of a chase or challenge when one person says they can’t do something anymore. Objectively it’s a bit strange, no?

 

I get what you’re saying overall though; accept and move-on. But I can definitely be taken aback.

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Interestingly she's obsessed with her ex and you are now. Do you hope to move on? If so, don't be like her and live in the past.

 

A little bit different. The relationship between her and the ex ended 27 months ago. It’s literally been a week since we last spoke and I told her I’m walking away - I’m in a pretty vulnerable state and so I’m trying to wrap my head around everything, so that I can have some semblance of closure? And right now I’m flabbergasted that she just let me walk and we haven’t spoken since. I know having expectations are usually a sure-fire way to be let down in life, but I’m simply shocked it is gone so fast.

 

I don’t want to be the one to break no contact, because it was me to walk. But I almost feel as though we need to exchange our items and we need to talk, so as to give each other closure. So it isn’t a situation of me forever tethered to my ex, like she is..

Maybe not this week, but sooner than later so the healing process can truly begin. Because right now it feels like it’s about surviving.

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How do you plan to "give each other 'closure'"? Closure is realizing the relationship is over because you two are not suited to be in a relationship with one another. It's not something your ex "gives" you. It's just an excuse for you to insist on seeing her again.

 

You don't have to see her. And what things of yours does she have that you can't survive without?

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How do you plan to "give each other 'closure'"? Closure is realizing the relationship is over because you two are not suited to be in a relationship with one another. It's not something your ex "gives" you. It's just an excuse for you to insist on seeing her again.

 

You don't have to see her. And what things of yours does she have that you can't survive without?

 

I suppose the way in which it ended wasn’t how I believed it should have been closed off. A phone call doesn’t measure up to the gravity of my feelings which are held — the abruptness of it does have me reeling and to seek a more peaceful note, so as to tie everything up in a more respectful and honourable way.

 

Part of me is having difficulty in accepting that it is over, or that she hasn’t come after me. After so many times of back and forth, when it doesn’t come back it’s a break in the pattern. Which may be the best thing. I guess I want a conclusion to all the chaos, so I know that both of us are walking away, but in a positive way, rather than one where drama was present with a final click of a phone. I believe we’re both better than that. It’s too immature and incomplete.

 

As for my things? I could get on without them in life, sure, as they aren’t needs.. but they are my belongings. And I think energetically speaking, all should be returned.

 

In the end, I just don’t want any unsolved business.

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All of that can be boiled down to one thing...you're disappointed she didn't try to get you back so you are trying to find excuses to see her again. You’re hoping if she sees you she will ask for you back.

 

I wouldn't pursue this. I don't think it's a good idea to give her another opportunity to hurt you.

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All of that can be boiled down to one thing...you're disappointed she didn't try to get you back so you are trying to find excuses to see her again. You’re hoping if she sees you she will ask for you back.

 

I wouldn't pursue this. I don't think it's a good idea to give her another opportunity to hurt you.

While you’re not totally incorrect, you are partially. I truly do mean it when I say I want it to end in a respectable way, so I don’t look back to this time with a slightly acidic taste on my tongue.

 

I am saddened by the fact that there was no effort put forth on her part, so we needn’t relinquish the whole of us. I merely just wanted an aspect of our dealings to be dealt with.

 

Where you’re correct in your assertion: I don’t think it’s a good idea to pursue it further again right now either, as it would lead us to a similar destination, just with a new expiry date. She is caught In a vice by her own personal demons which only she can vanquish. And I think that requires her solo attention. Getting back together at this time would enable her lack of healing more.

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I just told her I couldn’t handle it anymore knowing she was drafting letters and wasn’t fully over it; it’s too much for a person (Me) to handle mentally. And so I had to walk. I would think at some point last week she would have called or messaged to gain clarity of the situation or something! To truly discuss things and be like “you actually want to break-up?” In most relationships I would surmise there would be a sliver of a chase or challenge when one person says they can’t do something anymore. Objectively it’s a bit strange, no?.

Again, no. Why would she?? You told her you couldn't handle it anymore. It's too much for you so you have to leave. She clearly understood! She got the message loud and clear so there is absolutely no reason for her to "ask for clarity". What clarity? You gave her as much clarity as she need and she clearly understood. She has no reason at all to continue chasing or challenge you in any way whatsoever.

 

Also, I get the impression that she checked out of the relationship a while ago - even more reason for her NOT to chase (imo). You're still hung up on her. She's not hung up on you anymore (sorry). She's moved on. So should you.

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While you’re not totally incorrect, you are partially. I truly do mean it when I say I want it to end in a respectable way, so I don’t look back to this time with a slightly acidic taste on my tongue.

 

I am saddened by the fact that there was no effort put forth on her part, so we needn’t relinquish the whole of us. I merely just wanted an aspect of our dealings to be dealt with.

 

Where you’re correct in your assertion: I don’t think it’s a good idea to pursue it further again right now either, as it would lead us to a similar destination, just with a new expiry date. She is caught In a vice by her own personal demons which only she can vanquish. And I think that requires her solo attention. Getting back together at this time would enable her lack of healing more.

 

Well, my ex who I loved broke up with me via email. He told me he didn't want a girlfriend right then, but the truth is he'd been seeing my replacement for months and he had already moved her in with him. You think there was no "acidic taste"? But I didn't need to see him to get "closure" or "clarity". It was pretty freaking clear. Seeing him again would have just hurt me more. I was hurt enough.

 

She accepted your decision AND I'm sure she knows you were right to end it. She doesn't need to see or talk to you about it.

 

Take care of yourself. Don't try to see her again because that will mean more pain. Be kind to yourself.

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Again, no. Why would she?? You told her you couldn't handle it anymore. It's too much for you so you have to leave. She clearly understood! She got the message loud and clear so there is absolutely no reason for her to "ask for clarity". What clarity? You gave her as much clarity as she need and she clearly understood. She has no reason at all to continue chasing or challenge you in any way whatsoever.

 

Also, I get the impression that she checked out of the relationship a while ago - even more reason for her NOT to chase (imo). You're still hung up on her. She's not hung up on you anymore (sorry). She's moved on. So should you.

 

Yea, I guess so. But when someone says they can’t handle something, usually the other person doesn’t just accept it. I know no relationship where it’s just a severance like that. There would probably be a little bit of a pull afterwards before it finally ended.

 

It’s difficult to say if she “checked out”, because on Friday and Saturday we were really close. There was a ton of sweetness and softness. She had been talking About going to apartment viewings In the future together too. Sunday she was a bit distant and then it just all devolved.

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Well, my ex who I loved broke up with me via email. He told me he didn't want a girlfriend right then, but the truth is he'd been seeing my replacement for months and he had already moved her in with him. You think there was no "acidic taste"? But I didn't need to see him to get "closure" or "clarity". It was pretty freaking clear. Seeing him again would have just hurt me more. I was hurt enough.

 

She accepted your decision AND I'm sure she knows you were right to end it. She doesn't need to see or talk to you about it.

 

Take care of yourself. Don't try to see her again because that will mean more pain. Be kind to yourself.

Wow that’s really crappy about your situation. I cant stand when people do those types of things. It’s despicable.

 

Yea, I can see she accepted it. Like I said, I just didn’t expect it to cut so fast and abruptly.

 

Don’t know what I’m going to do about my things though.. I could maybe ask her to leave it outside of her door, then I can drop her belongings off too. Those loose ends need to be tied up, as I feel it’s the right thing to do.

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Wow that’s really crappy about your situation. I cant stand when people do those types of things. It’s despicable.

 

Yea, I can see she accepted it. Like I said, I just didn’t expect it to cut so fast and abruptly.

 

Don’t know what I’m going to do about my things though.. I could maybe ask her to leave it outside of her door, then I can drop her belongings off too. Those loose ends need to be tied up, as I feel it’s the right thing to do.

 

You said it's nothing you can't live without.

 

Forget about the whole "well, they're my belongings and I have the right to get them back!!" Are those things worth going through more hurt?

 

I realize you're reaching for some excuse to contact her because you still hope she will "fight" for you. But if she doesn't you'll be crushed again.

 

Please, just forget about those "loose ends". They aren't really all that loose.

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Yea, I guess so. But when someone says they can’t handle something, usually the other person doesn’t just accept it. I know no relationship where it’s just a severance like that. There would probably be a little bit of a pull afterwards before it finally ended.

 

It’s difficult to say if she “checked out”, because on Friday and Saturday we were really close. There was a ton of sweetness and softness. She had been talking About going to apartment viewings In the future together too. Sunday she was a bit distant and then it just all devolved.

 

What I mean by "checked out some time ago" is that my impression is that she never really was fully into a relationship with you because (to me) she was still way more into her EX. That explains why she simply accepted what you told her because she knew she wasn't going to be staying with you anymore.

 

OP, I really don't know what it is you want to hear because to me (and it seems to me most of the other responders) it's all as clear as day. You seem very very stuck on this one aspect - that she simply accepted what you told her and didn't fight or chase after you. You can't seem to let go of this at all. Keep reminding yourself that she was still into her EX - it should throw more light onto it for you. Maybe you should look into some form of counselling to help you get over this? You really seem to be struggling unnecessarily over something which seems to be (to most), cut and dried.

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What I mean by "checked out some time ago" is that my impression is that she never really was fully into a relationship with you because (to me) she was still way more into her EX. That explains why she simply accepted what you told her because she knew she wasn't going to be staying with you anymore.

 

OP, I really don't know what it is you want to hear because to me (and it seems to me most of the other responders) it's all as clear as day. You seem very very stuck on this one aspect - that she simply accepted what you told her and didn't fight or chase after you. You can't seem to let go of this at all. Keep reminding yourself that she was still into her EX - it should throw more light onto it for you. Maybe you should look into some form of counselling to help you get over this? You really seem to be struggling unnecessarily over something which seems to be (to most), cut and dried.

 

I see what you're saying. And it's a bit perplexing to me also. I think I'm stuck on the fact that this time the pendulum didn't swing back. It's obvious this relationship was toxic. But when we fought it would erupt, however, a day or two later there would be reconciliation. Another high before a low. So to me, it's almost as if my body is craving a hit, because the last point was a low.

This is the first time a "fine, I'm leaving" or a "I'm done" has actually stuck for either of us. With no follow up from the other.

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Ah, so the breakup bluff worked in the past. Comes a time when stale tricks stop working. Besides she is hung up on her ex, not you. Let go, you'll feel better.

 

I’ve never been the one to use the “Fine, I’ll walk away” line before.

 

You’re right about the ex though. I guess I’ll just ride out my pain and let go a little more everyday.. contact her in a couple weeks to get my things.

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