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What should i say to him?


Freya112
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met this guy on an online app. He's always expressed an interest in me. Initially i was unsure of him. Took a long time for him to even get me to speak to him on the phone.

 

He almost gave up on me after a couple of months, i think he assumed i wasnt taking him seriously. That i was just going to text him for the rest of my life..and he said he knew things wouldnt go anywhere between us.

I think he just wants things to progress quickly whereas im just slow in my approach with relationship and dating.

 

Then we had a few months break in between where neither of us messaged the other.

I ended up messaging him and we got back to talking.

 

I called him on on the phone..this was

2 months ago now spoke to the guy for a few hours. And before then because i hadn't reached out to him in so long (just over a month), he kept asking what id been doing and where i was ..he then said he thought i deleted his number and moved on from him. That was the theory in his mind. And when it didnt work out with the "other person" he thinks i came back to him. I reassured him that there wasnt anyone else. ( i was just bad at keeping contact).

 

Anyway during the convo he asked if i want to see him/meet him..i said i don't mind..and he then said cool send me another pic then.

 

Following that convo i didnt send a photo simply out of principle. He already has one. Nor did i mention the meeting which he asked about in a weird way.

 

Two weeks went by i sent a gif showing im bored..he then messaged with "you bored ?" Literally neither of us contacted the other after that for like five weeks.

 

Then about a week ago now i was like thinking so much time has gone by and decided to message him. Saying...how has nearly 2 months gone by since i last spoke to you..and you must hate me. Followed by shocked emojis.

 

Needless to say he didnt respond AT ALL. Complete silence. I saw he read it pretty quick within half n hour of me sending it. He came online and read the messages. But nothing

 

So what i was going to do was call him.. is it a good idea? Or should i leave it? And if calling is a good idea wth do i even say to rectify the situation...where do i start.. . Provided he doesnt ignore my call too.

 

I am genuinely thinking i may miss out unless i do something ( and will probably be regretful) But is it too late.?..

 

As much as i don't show it in the best way i am interested in him. As i said previously i just like to take things slower usually.

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I am curious as to why you are on a dating app., as it sounds like you are playing games. People are on dating sites to meet! You should be meeting people within two weeks of the first contact, not a year.

 

I can't figure out why this guy has any interest in any of this back and forth, as your behavior is strange. I think he finally figured out that you are a complete waste of time.

Edited by Hollyj
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Next time. Get it over with and meet for a brief coffee. You are wasting everyone's time if you are not ready to date. Dating apps are not for boredom, pen-pals or catfishing.

 

Get a better dating app profile with good pics, and some interesting statements. Exchange a few messages, then meet up. If there is no chemistry, move on.

met this guy on an online app.

he asked if i want to see him/meet him. Nor did i mention the meeting which he asked about in a weird way.

 

Two weeks went by i sent a gif showing im bored.

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I am curious as to why you are on a dating app., as it sounds like you are playing games. People are on dating sites to meet! You should be meeting people within two weeks of the first contact, not a year.

 

I can't figure out why this guy has any interest in any of this back and forth, as your behavior is strange. I think he finally figured out that you are a complete waste of time.

 

Its definitely not strange or unusual behaviour. How many times do men/ women act like this? Men mostly actually ..but are actually playing mind games

 

On the surface it looks like im playing games but im genuinely not. I always had an intention to meet the guy from the beginning. Only recently (well 2 months ago) he asked.

 

But you are right in everything youre saying. I think ive come across a lot of weird people on the apps..who are casual/or just want an ego boost...so when someone serious came along i didnt know what to do.

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Next time. Get it over with and meet for a brief coffee. You are wasting everyone's time if you are not ready to date. Dating apps are not for boredom, pen-pals or catfishing.

 

Get a better dating app profile with good pics, and some interesting statements. Exchange a few messages, then meet up. If there is no chemistry, move on.

I know. I think he thinks im a catfish already. But at the same time still curious about me as apart from the last messsge i sent...he is very responsive.

My dating profile is quite good ij comparison to the mens ones ive seen. And i do still get a lot of matches.

 

As mentioned in previous post...the hundreds of weird men ive come across on the app is unbelievable. There was a guy i blocked...he literally kept saying we're going to meet but never actually setting a date. Not to mention he wasnt even that attractive ( i was definitely better)and was short so i was like 🤔🤔.

 

But yeh i think ive adopted the behaviours of these terrible people so when someone decent actually comes along..im like ok ..what shall i do now.

 

Anyway i do have pure intentions for this guy its just i haven't told him properly...i end up thinking instead of actually doing anything about it. And time just.goes like that.

 

He totally ignored my last message. And i guess i don't blame him one bit.

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Dating apps are like that. Maybe 1 in 10 of the profiles look like a sincere and decent person and 1 in 10 of those might end up in a date. Then again 1 in 10 of those you meet might actually lead somewhere. So before you even meet there is at best 1% chance at something more meaningful than just a match on a dating app. People get tons of matches and they don't have months and months to invest in such a slim chance with a single match. Why do you put so much significance on this match when it seems obvious neither of you were that interested in meeting up?

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Dating apps are like that. Maybe 1 in 10 of the profiles look like a sincere and decent person and 1 in 10 of those might end up in a date. Then again 1 in 10 of those you meet might actually lead somewhere. So before you even meet there is at best 1% chance at something more meaningful than just a match on a dating app. People get tons of matches and they don't have months and months to invest in such a slim chance with a single match. Why do you put so much significance on this match when it seems obvious neither of you were that interested in meeting up?

He was interested in meeting. And was always serious.thats why i am probably still keeping in touch with him.

 

Only reason he was showing doubt and holding back i think because he wasnt sure of my intentions hence saying at one point "i knew things wouldnt go anywhere between us".

And "i do not want to be just your penpal".

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Taking things slowly? For one thing, it's fine to exchange some texts and have at least have one phone call before being comfortable to meet, but that meet up needs to happen within the first few weeks. Seeing a person in person is when you really start to get to know them. It's scratching the surface of reality instead of being stuck behind a possible smokescreen of fantasy land where people can lie about their age, gender, and a myriad of other things.

 

It's a dating app not a pen pal site. When I did OLD, I did the same thing as the guy you've been speaking to. If a guy didn't soon suggest getting together, I sometimes broached the subject, and if they had some excuse, I bailed out of communication for good. I wanted a companion to actually enjoy life with, going on hikes, eating meals together. Why would I waste time on a person who obviously doesn't want the same?

 

To me, going slow is total nonsense. If you're not ready to date in a normal pace, then you're not ready to date. Because I'm assuming you're lugging around toxic, smelly baggage from the past where you're putting up barriers you expect some guy is going to exhaust himself hurdling over. A guy with really poor self esteem might give it a go, but a together guy will walk away and find someone who is emotionally available.

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He asked you to if you want to meet and you told him "I don't mind" If I was him and after all the hoops you had him jump through I would drop it totally. Either you are excited about meeting him or not. I would say not.

 

I have dealt with women like you many times and I learned to just drop it after a while. If I have to coax some woman into talking on the phone then she is in no condition to be in a healthy relationship. I am very patient and understanding but I also understand that there are a lot of people doing OLD that have no business being on the app. This guy was a trooper for hanging on so long and the worst part is you don't even know this guy at all since you haven't met. It isn't real until you meet in person.

 

Do one of two things:

 

1. Cal this guy today and apologize for being so flaking and tell him you would like to buy him a coffee and get to know him in person.

 

2. Hide your profile and figure out what your issues are so you do not drag some other poor guy down the same path again.

 

Lost

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You posted this on another forum and the other members gave you the same advice. You thought they were being negative towards your situation and some of them called you out on your behaviour. This is virtually a carbon copy reaction to you on the other site.

 

Why wasn't the advice over there good enough? I can understand you might want a second opinion because you feel slighted or annoyed with this guy.

 

This ship has sailed.

 

My advice to you remains the same also: Prioritize your life better. When you're ready to date you'll feel more prepared and able to balance or juggle things in your life.

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Its definitely not strange or unusual behaviour. How many times do men/ women act like this? Men mostly actually ..but are actually playing mind games

 

On the surface it looks like im playing games but im genuinely not. I always had an intention to meet the guy from the beginning. Only recently (well 2 months ago) he asked.

 

But you are right in everything youre saying. I think ive come across a lot of weird people on the apps..who are casual/or just want an ego boost...so when someone serious came along i didnt know what to do.

 

I think you are missing the point. I would have stopped communicating with you the moment you said you wouldn't speak with me on the phone.

Noone should have to work that hard to get to know you.

You said you 'always' had the intention on meeting him, yet when he asked you if you wanted to you you said no or I don't mind.

I wouldn't blame him for not responding.

Personally, I might exchange a couple emails, a couple texts and then I will want to speak with you on the phone. This would happen within a the first week of first contact. If the call went well, we agree to meet.

Mind you, this transpires all within a week to 10 days. NOT months of texts and road blocks, breaks and repeated turn downs.

You mentioned that 'they' are looking for ego boosts. It appears your intention is to not meet them and drag this out. It might look like you are the one doing this for the ego boost. Because it's clearly not about actually meeting someone.

Edited by reinventmyself
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Yep, there are a lot of bored toilet texters out there, who just want pings. How romantic is it to know you are chitchatting with someone who could be taking a dump? Endless texting is cheap and lazy at best. it could also be someone married, a catfish, scammer etc.

 

Tune up your profile, improve your search parameters, and ditch the weirdos early on. Anyone who wont meet is someone you delete and move on. It's a red flag. It sounds like you are insecure about your looks or have something to hide.

the hundreds of weird men ive come across on the app is unbelievable.

 

He totally ignored my last message.

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He was interested in meeting. And was always serious.thats why i am probably still keeping in touch with him.

 

Only reason he was showing doubt and holding back i think because he wasnt sure of my intentions hence saying at one point "i knew things wouldnt go anywhere between us".

And "i do not want to be just your penpal".

 

My point is nobody can be, or should be, that "serious" before even meeting you. He could have had a sincere intention to meet and get to know you, but if the other person isn't interested people usually lose interest right there and then. If a person is all "serious" and keeps chasing a dating app match they haven't even met, they are likely delusional and attached to a fictional idea they build in their head instead of the person they are chasing because they know close to nothing about that person.

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Taking things slowly? For one thing, it's fine to exchange some texts and have at least have one phone call before being comfortable to meet, but that meet up needs to happen within the first few weeks. Seeing a person in person is when you really start to get to know them. It's scratching the surface of reality instead of being stuck behind a possible smokescreen of fantasy land where people can lie about their age, gender, and a myriad of other things.

 

It's a dating app not a pen pal site. When I did OLD, I did the same thing as the guy you've been speaking to. If a guy didn't soon suggest getting together, I sometimes broached the subject, and if they had some excuse, I bailed out of communication for good. I wanted a companion to actually enjoy life with, going on hikes, eating meals together. Why would I waste time on a person who obviously doesn't want the same?

 

To me, going slow is total nonsense. If you're not ready to date in a normal pace, then you're not ready to date. Because I'm assuming you're lugging around toxic, smelly baggage from the past where you're putting up barriers you expect some guy is going to exhaust himself hurdling over. A guy with really poor self esteem might give it a go, but a together guy will walk away and find someone who is emotionally available.

He said the same thing earlier about when are we going to break down invisible barriers. He meant the screen in between.

 

So how many men did you reject based on that? And did you find anyone in the end to date properly.

 

Look I've always had barriers, im a reserved person. So that isnt for you to judge and then assume i have "smelly baggage".. what a rotten term. Im not trying to be funny but i have had some poor experiences with some men who have had a multitude of issues, either that or they were complete knobs whether it be online or offline.

 

This guy jumped to conclusions about me.. that i must be a catfish or im using him to have a texting friend. But none of those are true.

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Yep, there are a lot of bored toilet texters out there, who just want pings. How romantic is it to know you are chitchatting with someone who could be taking a dump? Endless texting is cheap and lazy at best. it could also be someone married, a catfish, scammer etc.

 

Tune up your profile, improve your search parameters, and ditch the weirdos early on. Anyone who wont meet is someone you delete and move on. It's a red flag. It sounds like you are insecure about your looks or have something to hide.

Sounds like. Well if that's what it sounds like he will probably assume the same

 

Actually i get a lot of attention from men off the app, im not short of attention and i certainly dont think i look bad.

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"Not to mention he wasnt even that attractive ( i was definitely better)and was short so i was like 🤔🤔."

Wow, really?

 

Do you think he should put up with your wishy-washy behavior because you're "better" than him? Or he should be grateful you pay attention to him when you're "bored"?

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I think you are missing the point. I would have stopped communicating with you the moment you said you wouldn't speak with me on the phone.

Noone should have to work that hard to get to know you.

You said you 'always' had the intention on meeting him, yet when he asked you if you wanted to you you said no or I don't mind.

I wouldn't blame him for not responding.

Personally, I might exchange a couple emails, a couple texts and then I will want to speak with you on the phone. This would happen within a the first week of first contact. If the call went well, we agree to meet.

Mind you, this transpires all within a week to 10 days. NOT months of texts and road blocks, breaks and repeated turn downs.

You mentioned that 'they' are looking for ego boosts. It appears your intention is to not meet them and drag this out. It might look like you are the one doing this for the ego boost. Because it's clearly not about actually meeting someone.

I do not need the ego boost. I have stopped speaking to plenty of guys who were giving me exactly that.

 

I do want to meet him, but with the pandemic its a different story. Could meet anyone and suddenly end up with the virus. So this isnt normal times.

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This guy jumped to conclusions about me.. that i must be a catfish or im using him to have a texting friend. But none of those are true.

 

The purpose for online dating is so you can meet someone and date.

 

If you only wanted an electronic friend and refused any real time means of getting to know each other. . .I would assume you were a catfish too.

 

Please know that these men will move on to women who are more secure, eager and ready meet them and get to know them.

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"Not to mention he wasnt even that attractive ( i was definitely better)and was short so i was like 🤔🤔."

Wow, really?

 

Do you think he should put up with your wishy-washy behavior because you're "better" than him? Or he should be grateful you pay attention to him when you're "bored"?

Nooooo you didnt read it correctly.

 

That was about another guy i was speaking to on the same app..who kept promising we will meet but not setting a date..and that guy in my opinion was a loser/short/and average in looks.

 

That wasnt about the one this thread is about. Who is young/attractive and has established himself career wise

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Leave this poor guy alone..... He is probably tired of the game you played and moved on. You should do so too and not make people waste their precious time anymore. Sorry to be rude but I walked in the guy’s shoes and he did the right thing to stop responding you.

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