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Not sure about girlfriends guy friend


jrw

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Let me start off by saying I (26 y/0) have been with my gf (24 y/o) for almost a year now, we recently moved in together. This has been the best relationship I have ever been in, our humor clicks, sexually we click, she treats me so well, and we both have a lot of the same interests. I truly believe she is the one for me.

But there is something that bothers me. Her guy friend, he is 41 years old and has three kids, has been divorced for years, he is essentially “family” to her, and is her brother in law. My girlfriend got married at 18 y/o and finalized her divorce this past January (yes I started dating her when she was going through a divorce). Anyways I don’t know how I feel about her guy friend. When she was with her husband, she would go out dancing with him at clubs (always ball room dancing, never grinding as she claimed), almost every weekend. Her mom would go with them too. One time her husband at the time went out, and her guy friend grabbed her to dance and her husband got mad, and she said, “well you don’t dance”. My girlfriend has only hangout with this guy 3 times since being with me for almost 8 months, when before she’d hangout with him every weekend. She said she’d never hangout with him over me, and she always hangouts with him, when I am out with my friends (on the three occasions out of the 8 months of me being with her).

 

Started being official with my girlfriend in October. First time they hungout since she has been in a relationship with me, was in October around Halloween. The second time they hungout was in March, he picked her up, they went “ball room” dancing at a club, he bought her drinks the whole night, even tried to get her over her drinking limit (I confronted her about this and she said he’s the type to buy everyone drinks). I know how men are with stuff like that, so that really rubbed me the wrong way. Anyways then he dropped her off at her mom’s house. The third time they hung out one on one was this past weekend. She picked him up, they went out dancing at the club, she drank too much to drive home (she didn’t eat much before hand), so he drove her back to his house so she could sober up. (Keep in mind that when she was going through her divorce in June; instead of discussing things with her husband at the time, she went over to this guy friend’s house to vent to him and drink with him one on one, I told her I’m not comfortable with her ever doing that (stated months ago). Well she went over there to sober up and didn’t text me from like 12:30 am to 2:00 am when she was there. She claimed she was sobering up and they were just talking about current events.

 

I have brought the dancing up before that I am not comfortable with her going out with another man one on one ballroom dancing and drinking, and she threw it back onto me saying “I feel like that’s too much to say that, and oh well what am I supposed to do when you’re out with your friends, just do nothing”. Since she hasn’t hung out with him much since being with me, he says things like “stop being lazy”, and “come out more”. He has no friends other than her and she has no friends other than him. I absolutely hate how I told her I am not comfortable with her going over to his place alone and that she still did it (she could’ve ubered home instead of sobering up there). She mentioned it to him too that night at least and he said he understood, but she did it anyways. Another red flag was that night she was asking me if I was spending the night at my friends place (keeping tabs on me).

 

Keep in mind I have been in her shoes, I had a past relationship where I went out dancing with my female best friend and drinking (nothing happened), we were both in relationships. But at this age I feel like her doing it is disrespectful to me. She said he’s basically family and like a father figure she hasn’t had, and I know she hasn’t done anything sexual with him. He’s into younger women, and she’s into older men. She has even said he’s attractive when he was complaining about not being able to find a woman. She worries me though because she is also the type of girl who argued with me that its okay to get free drinks from strangers (men), as long as she doesn’t flirt and mentions she has a boyfriend. I’ve met the guy once and he seemed nice and we kinda clicked well, I know if I go out dancing with her and him that if I’m all over her then he won’t even try anything because that was what happened on Halloween. This is just stressing me out and I don’t know how to address it with her again since she didn’t listen before. Half my friends say what she’s doing is not appropriate. I feel disrespected and super uncomfortable with her going out with him one on one drinking. I don’t care if she does other things with the guy just not drinking and dancing. Like this guy is 41 and divorced for years, he needs to go find a girlfriend of his own (she’s told him that too), I am starting to resent him, and her. I am tempted to tell my girlfriend to stop doing this or we cannot keep seeing each other, if she can’t respect the boundaries I am setting. If she gains more female friends I don’t mind if she goes clubbing with them. Am I being insecure, or am I being reasonable if I discuss this with her?

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On another note she’s never cheated in the past, even when her husband was on deployment for months but he supposedly cheated on her multiple times. We both know if either of us ever cheat that it’s a dealbreaker too, we’ve discussed that.

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You knew from the start her dynamics with this guy, and how she goes out and gets free drinks from strangers. That right there should have been a deal breaker, and stop yourself from dating her any further. Why are you dating a girl that behaves like that huh?? Sorry guy but you can't force her to do anything. She is who she is. TBH you are moving this relationship a little too fast. She was married at 18, never had time to be single, and now she's living with a guy she started seeing in October. She is young and chomping at the bit to have some fun and party girl independence. Can't keep her caged up.

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You’re right I did know this before. I will think about this (she’s out of town so I have a week to myself).

 

As for the party girl stuff I don’t understand it because she partied in undergrad a lot too, even when married, so you’d think she would’ve gotten it out. I do agree that moving in at 7 months might’ve been a bit fast but we both agreed we were sure about it and each other.

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Partying at 24 is normal. The guy isn't some stranger, he is her brother in law.

 

It really boils down to you either think that she'll cheat on you or you don't and you trust her. You don't get to control her or tell her who to be friends with. Period.

 

If who she is, her life, lifestyle, choices are not working for you, then you walk away because you aren't compatible with each other. You don't sit around and hope that the person will change. Don't date people you need to change in order for you to be happy or comfortable. Also, remember that change goes both ways - you can work on changing your attitude toward her friendships. That's one and only change that you control.

 

As for moving in on her and moving in so fast, while she wasn't even divorced yet...you are learning now why you don't do such things. Lust and initial excitement does not mean that you know the person at all. It takes time for issues to show and for cracks in compatibility to start showing. Regardless of how you feel, the reality doesn't change that you need to spend at least a solid year or more before you consider living together.

 

The other problem is that it sounds like she already made the mistake of jumping into a serious relationship and getting married way too young too fast, but when that failed, she didn't learn her lesson and instead monkey branched straight into the next relationship. At some point this will catch up with her. She needs to be single and learn who she is as a person and most importantly learn to stand on her own two feet before she can ever "settle down" and be a good long term partner to anyone.

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Thank you! This is a lot more reassuring, you are right. I occasionally like to go out clubbing too and tbh most of mine and hers weekends are staying in. I don’t think that’s a dealbreaker for me her going out. I shouldn’t try to control her because I had an ex that told me to stop going out with female friends in the past and I hated hearing that. I can do my best to adjust my attitude because I really do love her and care for her a lot. As for her not figuring herself out while single I agree, it’s no surprise though cause her parents both monkey branched too

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There are a lot of red flags here:

 

1) She's barely divorced and already living with another guy (you). Way too fast.

 

2) You two have completely different boundaries when it comes to opposite-sex friends.

 

3) She has no friends other than this guy (why is that?)

 

4) She is still in her party-girl phase and apparently will accept drinks from strange men (plain dangerous)

 

I'm sorry, OP, but she is not ready for the sort of committed, mature relationship you're looking for. She married very young and is now a young divorcee - the world is her oyster and you're seeing why it wasn't a good idea to rush into things with her. This former brother-in-law is obviously very fond of her, but he isn't really the underlying issue. The bigger problem is that she's in a totally different head-space and point in her life from you, and wants to party and have fun and live it up. This isn't the time for her to settle into a serious relationship and you're likely to continue having problems as she pushes back against you..

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Let me be clear she was accepting drinks from men when she was married and her husband would encourage it, that’s part of the issue it was enabled in the past. She’s not in a party girl phase cause she was going out more when she was married than now. She goes out once a month now compared to every weekend when married

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She has no friends because she moved back from California to Florida a few years ago, all her friends are in Cali. Tbh she comes across as picky with friends and they need to meet a certain age criteria due to more maturity

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She has no friends because she moved back from California to Florida a few years ago, all her friends are in Cali. Tbh she comes across as picky with friends and they need to meet a certain age criteria due to more maturity

 

If she had friends before why can't she make friends now?

 

I moved to another state and was able to make friends pretty quickly. I just moved states again and still have friends. My friends are all ages.

 

What is the reason for the age restrictions? She wants more mature friends who don't party? Or she wants younger friends who she can party with?

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She met her other friends online, she also says she’s always busy with work to meet people but that’s a lie. She’s trying a phone app out now to meet more female friends. As for Age restrictions- she wants more mature friends who either party or don’t party, that part doesn’t matter; its more of having meaningful conversations with people and having mature people

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Is this her husbands brother or her sisters ex husband? The mother goes dancing with them? She's a grown woman. If her behavior is off lay back and observe.

 

The tighter you pull the reins the more she'll assert herself and the more you position yourself as parent and prison guard. No quicker way to start a power struggle and get the ball rolling on resentment. That is precisely why your ex is an ex.

I shouldn’t try to control her because I had an ex that told me to stop going out with female friends in the past and I hated hearing that.
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It just sucks cause this is the first person who has told me they see themselves marrying me one day (we set boundaries with that waiting 2 years at least) cause she got married to her ex after like 8 months (he was in the military so not sure if that swayed it). I don’t think she’s in a party phase cause she used to party more when she was married, compared to when she was with me. Literally every Friday and Saturday night in the past 8 months, she stays in with me or we go out with my friends sometimes to get dinner. She’s only gone out clubbing like a handful of times since she’s been with me. I know if I brought it up every weekend she’d probably be down to go out clubbing and dancing but that’s not what actually happens in our weekends.

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I could be way off but brother in law or not I think she's been sleeping with him. 41yo men don't just 'go dancing' with 24yo women...and 'family' is a term very often used and abused. I would even wonder if he had played some part in her divorce.

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My girlfriends brother is in his 30s, he has a wife. The guy she goes out dancing with is the brother of this wife. And yeah my girlfriends mother doesn’t go out anymore with the brother in law, because her boyfriend cut off the brother in law- but her moms boyfriend is insecure so.

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Hanging out with the bil 3 times in 8 months is not a hill you want to die on. That's pretty much normal friendship type parameters, in fact almost distant. Would be different if they were out every single week. That would raise an eyebrow.

 

If she is only going out once a month socially on her own, again nothing to be complaining about. Sounds like she is going out when you are out yourself doing your own thing. This is normal and healthy. You both should have things you do together, but also be able to do things apart without either one of you getting upset about it. She is right that she doesn't need to sit home bored while you are out with your friends doing your own thing. Don't have double standards.

 

Overall, sounds a bit like maybe you two need to find and add in some mutual friends and more mutual activities and entertainment away from home. Create and keep that balance of doing things together, shared friends, but also going out and doing your own things separately.

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You’re right I did know this before. I will think about this (she’s out of town so I have a week to myself).

 

As for the party girl stuff I don’t understand it because she partied in undergrad a lot too, even when married, so you’d think she would’ve gotten it out. I do agree that moving in at 7 months might’ve been a bit fast but we both agreed we were sure about it and each other.

 

Good lord she's only 24....not an age to stop having fun. This where you to are incompatible, you expect her to shift her lifestyle completely to suit your expectations. As for moving in together, just because it was agreed upon doesn't make it the right thing to do.

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It just sucks cause this is the first person who has told me they see themselves marrying me one day (we set boundaries with that waiting 2 years at least) cause she got married to her ex after like 8 months (he was in the military so not sure if that swayed it). I don’t think she’s in a party phase cause she used to party more when she was married, compared to when she was with me. Literally every Friday and Saturday night in the past 8 months, she stays in with me or we go out with my friends sometimes to get dinner. She’s only gone out clubbing like a handful of times since she’s been with me. I know if I brought it up every weekend she’d probably be down to go out clubbing and dancing but that’s not what actually happens in our weekends.

 

You two are in the honeymoon phase and talk of marriage is just that talk and should never be taken as a promise. So do not base this on your decision to cloud your judgement on what is going on with your relationship. To add things can change....most are on their best behavior in the beginning...after about a year that staying home can fade fast and furious.

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She hasn't even been officially divorced for 6 months and she's already talking about marrying you?

 

Moving in so fast, marriage talk way too soon...I have to presume she is extremely physically attractive or something for you to not see these things as huge, glaring red flags.

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you know how she is from her past relationship.

why did it not matter then but now its bothering you when she continues doin it.

I dont think she is ready to be in a committed relationship but you think you are in one.

Is her divorce finalized? You have seen the papers yet?

There is no relationship here without her legally divorced, still she needs some time off to heal.

Messy situation to be honest do you see a future in this relationship?

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She has no friends because she moved back from California to Florida a few years ago, all her friends are in Cali. Tbh she comes across as picky with friends and they need to meet a certain age criteria due to more maturity

 

Eh, I moved continents and still met new friends in my new country, and it didn't take years to do so.

 

It's also ironic that she expects new potential friends to be more mature when she herself isn't exactly the pinnacle of maturity yet, either. I have to wonder if there's something off-putting about her that makes other women wary of her and thus she finds it hard to connect with them.

 

And how do you know her ex-husband encouraged her to accept free drinks from strange men? Did she tell you that? Whatever the reason, it's still incredibly reckless to accept a drink from a stranger, given that she would have no idea what someone might slip into it. It speaks to her general inability (or unwillingness) to look around corners and predict the risks of a situation. That sort of mindset is usually not limited to one specific behaviour - you're seeing that she approaches other situations with the same abandon as well, including your relationship.

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I’m not sure what you’re saying at the top of your message but it bothered me that she was doing that now. As for the divorce yes I saw the papers in January it’s been over with since then. And yes I do see a future, we’ve been able to work through a lot of other issues and I really want a future with her

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I agree with the friend part, also she usually gets along better with guy friends but still has female friends out of state. Tbh she probably does find it hard to connect with them, and as for accepting free drinks and her ex husband encouraging that yes she told me. I agree though I told her that’s dumb to do cause you never know what they put in it, anyways she said she always watched them buy the drink at the bar and give it to her (still doesn’t make it acceptable though).

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