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hi decided to start a new thread, hope that's OK? Basically it has now been over a year and we still go for daily runs etc . Even occasional sleep overs (share a bed but nothing like that). We were together 20 years, ex girlfriend and I are in a wierd place, she said yesterday that she wishes we could go back in time and was crying. Having said that she does occasionally blow hot and cold, but if I say I'm going out always asks where I'm going etc.

I do, do alot of the chasing and know i shouldn't its just so hard not too. Yes she is like a drug and feel good when I have seen her (16 Yr old daughter lives with me and 21 yr old with mum).

We both keep calling it a mess so why does she not just say lets try again? Or should I say this? I just don't know. All I know is it hurts.

Many thanks for any advice

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Darcus, have you considered therapy to unpack and sort this out? Or support groups?

Ask yourself how long you want to stay stuck in this loop. Do you feel happy?

What a lovely response thank you. And good to hear it from a ladies point of view, I think you are right! What I dont get is what does she get out of stringing me along? Is it narcissism? I think

Forgot to say js an ultimatum a good idea? Could that push her away as classed as pressure. I've surfed all the relationship videos but now want advice from people who have maybe been in the same situation as me.

Thanks agajn

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It depends on why she left? Was it the heavy drinking? Were there too many arguments? Was the 'like brother-sister' doldrums a factor? Hard to reignite any passion when the co-parenting is almost like still being one family, with sleep overs, etc. Unfortunately it seems like a continuum of a passionless relationship but with good family instincts.

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Can only repeat what I said in your previous thread - you can only reconcile if you are BOTH willing to work at it. That means that you have to stop living in limbo, stop tip toeing around this and ask her flat out what she wants. If the answer is no, she doesn't want to get back with you for real, then you HAVE to cut her off for good and start healing and moving on with YOUR life.

 

Hope is like farts in the wind - it gets you nowhere concrete. Stop hoping and take some action - meaning ask and then act accordingly. I know it's hard and scary....but you are ARE living in hell right now as we speak - stuck in nowhere land.

 

What you are really doing with all this availability is making it very easy for her to dump you, the life you've built, your marriage, but STILL have you and use the parts of you that are convenient. Basically, while you are stuck hoping, she is happy to use you to get over you. How comfortable for her to have her cake and eat it too. Stop it. Either she is all in or she needs to be all out so you can move on and have a life and a future. Right now, you have nothing but misery.

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I can't figure out why she left in the first place after 20 years with no good reason. Did she tell you and you're not willing to accept that? Are you in denial? All questions to ponder.

 

She's not interested in being with you at all.

 

Quit the daily runs together and continued updates. It's not healthy and yes, it does limit you and suffocate your ability to grow and go forwards in life. I think it's strange that a grown woman who leaves of her own accord, dumps the house and everything else on her long term partner starts meeting new people and likes to check in on her partner whose heart she broke for casual morning runs. If that doesn't scream voyeuristic and narcissistic, I don't know what does.

 

For you, why do you look up to her so much? This person left you in the gutter, split up the family (the siblings don't even live together) and insists that the both of you be friends? Or is it you who wants to be friends?

 

It's hard because you've made it harder than it should be. This person doesn't want to be with you. It's time to face reality and stop painting a different picture than what it really is. She's gone, kaput, no more. She's the mother of your kids and someone to respect and co-parent with. Be an amazing dad, care for your daughters. Nothing more to this person.

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because I love her. I wish i didn't

-said almost everyone that is left behind.

 

But we pick ourselves up, put one foot in front of the other in an attempt to move forward and learn to be open to something more fulfilling.

That won't happen as long as you stay stuck.

It's a choice.

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the girls are 16 and 21 so not so confusing for them. I guess she is like a drug to me, I know what your saying is right but ant let her go. The pain is bad, when I see her almost like I get a fix then after start thinking bad thoughts. I suppose it don't help that I live in our family home. I still have family photos on the wall whats that all about? But I go to hers and no pics.

Thank you all for bejng my life line

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It's never an ex who positions us in limbo, it's ourselves. As you're learning, limbo is a high-stress-no-win place to be.

 

Ultimatums make no sense, because they back a person into a corner, and nobody responds well to that and without resentment. Resentment kills any potential wins.

 

So skip the eggshell walk and be honest. "I've been hovering in the hope that the two of us might reconcile. I sense that that's not what you want. But this friendzies thing we do keeps me tied to hope. So I need to take some time away from you to get realistic with myself and heal. This doesn't mean that we can never be friends again, it just means that I need to be alone in privacy to redirect my focus and move forward with my own life without questions or expectations from you. If you ever decide that reconciling a committed relationship is something you want, you can let me know. Otherwise, I wish you the best, and I'll reach out someday when I feel strong enough to view a friendship with you through the right lens."

 

Then there you are, the best of both worlds. You've left your door open to either reconciling OR a future friendship when you are better able to handle it, but you've closed ex's access to your private life and your ability to move yourself and your focus forward.

 

Head high.

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I can tell you, lurking around, jumping when she says jump, contacting her asking to see her or always agreeing when she wants to see you is NOT attractive and doesn't make a woman see you as romantic partner material, no matter what your past history with that woman is.

 

You appear to her to have nothing going on in your own life. Again, not attractive.

 

A man with a full life who has his own things going on is much more attractive.

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such wise words from you all. Thank you, can I ask have you been in the same situation then?

 

I have not but was left after a 16 year relationship. One day everything was fine, the next day she left me for another guy. Out of the blue.

 

Unlike you I had no option to remain connected. My ex completely disappeared. Worst time of my life but I had to do things the hard way. Straightforward and alone. Almost impossible to do at first. I literally did not eat for weeks and got next to no sleep. I actually could’ve died. But I did not care.

 

Time heals all. You just got to hold on tight for a while...

 

Sounds like your ex just wants to keep a hook in you in fear you will actually start to heal and move on. That’s pretty messed up. She seems very selfish.

 

Either way you cut it, you need to start dealing with being alone. You have no choice.

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She left because we were like brother and sister we both liked a drink but we both stopped later on.

Just so bloody painful

 

how do you become brother sister? doesnt make sense at all.

Go your separate ways it doesn't sound healthy at all if these are the feelings you get through it.

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hi destroyed33 thanks fir your response. Can I ask are you better now? How long ago was it?

I totally get you not eating, stomach constantly spinning/churning

 

Its so hard, especially after work, at work I have a mask I put on (an act of happy go lucky me) . Then once home I ha e a few beers which I think helps me but clearly doesn't cause iwake at silly o'clock in the morning and it hits me like a train.

Thought about going to docs to get antidepressants. I know all replies state cut off contact but for 1 I cant as we have kids (not actually kids i know). And for 2 she wants to be friends and says she always wants me in her life.

HELP.

Thank you all. Pls help if you can.

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Help.

 

What Destroyed said:

 

"Either way you cut it, you need to start dealing with being alone. You have no choice."

 

Please cease making excuses for not cutting off contact. That is what is holding you back.

 

You say: I guess she is like a drug to me,

 

Well, you have no choice but to kick the habit. Do it now.

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Latest up date so I just seen ex as my turn to drop my daughter off at work. She was sad. When I asked if she was OK she started crying. I said what's up she said I just want things to be how they used to be. I said well they can do (no response).

I said its ok if you are seeing someome else you can tell me but she didn't.

I'm soooo confused. (My gut says she is)

I also said answer me honestly ... do you love me? She said yes ill always love you. So I don't get it

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Love is a pretty loose term. I'd ask whether her definition of love means returning to the kind of frendszies you've both been playing, or whether she wants a committed relationship with you.

 

If she doesn't 'know' or isn't clear about wanting the commitment, I'd tell her she can let me know of that changes, but I'm not up for playing the emotional Red Cross to someone who isn't all-in with me.

 

Don't manipulate, and don't be manipulated.

 

Head high.

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