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How to build trust again


score123
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I am having some examples lately of guys who are perfect, and we have a perfect first date, converstion, laughs, etc. After that I go home excited thinking about how may tings advance, meanwhile their next move for a second date is inviting me at their home to watch a movie. Dont get this, it really dissapoints me as I thik that means just to have some casual fun. It is weird but it i not the first time it happened to me. After this I totally lost my trust on these guys, how can I build it back? It is funny but it is the third time happening nd they all seem great guys during first date...I just cut them out after this, but this way I am not getting anywhere. Maybe I should consider building trust continuing dating them and see wht hapoens. I am just very stubborn, I cut them out directly and I go really soon to conclusions.

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Inviting you to their home is seeing if you're willing to have sex. That is not a date.

 

I think you're right to weed out these guys who try that. Imagine if you did agree and either had to deny their advances or you give in and then wonder if you'll ever hear from them again.

 

I think you're doing the right thing.

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I kinda see it two ways. Yes, netflix and chill is a real thing and so is casual sex. At the same time i've gone to mans home early on and everything was innocent with no agenda attached. But i have to say it wasn't date #2. That is pretty soon.

Having said that, you do what feels right for you. If going to a mans home too soon is uncomfortable, you honor that.

They may be sussing out what you are all about. Saying 'too soon' is a clear message. He may or may not respect that.

Say no. . .you will find out soon enough. Next!

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From what you've written, it seems like you have some larger issues around trust: trust of men, trust of yourself, something that might be worth unpacking a bit before dating, so that dating doesn't become a test where people are only "perfect" or "disappointing."

 

If the vibe you're getting is that they're only interested in causal? Well, consider it a blessing that it only took one date to determine that it's not a match. That's most dates, after all, be it the first or the fifth: moments of joy and hope leading to disconnect, disappointment. The more we trust ourselves, the easier all that is to navigate.

 

On the flip side, I can't help but ask: Why not just suggest something else and see how the guy responds? Doing that requires a bit of trust in humanity, of course, or at least the opposite sex.

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I have a few thoughts on this....

 

If you met via on line, the 2nd date is too soon for a movie night at home.

 

I would assume they are hoping it turns to sex, even if they are fine that it doesn't.

 

If a guy is just after sex, of course he's going to be perfect. He's all charm and mcdreamy.

 

I think you're right to ditch these guys. Believe it or not, players know they're players.

 

Maybe just say. I would like to meet you out, but not interested in a movie tonight.

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I do agree with the others. I'm guessing plenty of guys will be cautious before sleeping with whomever, especially during this pandemic, as to why the first date is not in their homes. Also, similar to reinventmyself, I've been to a guy's home before when dating and nothing happened, not everyone is purely after casual sex. Granted, I knew them already. (I wouldn't do this with strangers as it's too risky.)

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I'm a bit confused regarding the "build trust again" part. Are you saying you'd like to rebuild trust with a guy who'd suggested netflix and chill for a 2nd date? You don't. If you sense that they are just after casual sex while you are not, you cut them off and move on. Many people can look like a great guy on a first date, just like many people can manage to look competent on a job interview - but they are not all that great and certainly not all right guys for you. Don't let such disappointments dishearten you and don't over generalize that all guys are like that. They are not.

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Break time.

 

Recess.

 

Now is a good time to pause for a little bit. It's healthy to take breaks and reassess where you're going with all of that and recharge if you have to.

 

Reconnect with your friends and family. They will usually reaffirm your values and you don't even have to talk about dating! Just pause with the dating and seeing people. Hang out with your loved ones and mingle, absorb their energies and see yourself reflected back and vice versa. To answer your question, NO, I do not believe you have to "trust" someone again if you don't feel good around them the first time. Trust your instincts. Stay safe out there always, pandemic or whatever.

 

Don't let yourself go willy nilly everywhere and start second guessing yourself. Time out.

 

Everyone needs it! And it is perfectly A-ok.

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Im going to try to look at this from another point of view and assume that its not about sex, but its about lack of knowledge and or experience. It could very well be not about sex but its what the guy has either learned or observed from other friends and they believe that a "come over to my place" is appropriate for the second date.

 

So maybe instead of assuming its about sex, change the mindset and say that its just possibly inexperience. It sounds like you are not comfortable with the "Come over" date so instead just politely suggest another place or challenge the guy to be more creative then "come over". If they balk, hesitate or try to come over still, then you have your answer and can say no thank you, good luck on your search.

 

Remember in this day and age, courting is a forgotten skill. Its about the insta gratification and the mentality "why should I have to work hard for something I want?". It is possible that guys are into that instead of using their imagination..

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if I propose smth to do outside and he agrees, is there any chance he was just testing the waters before and he may be a good guy, is there any possibility, or he will just fake like he like to go out? Thats the point I do not trust that much peoole, if he says ok to a date outside I will think oh he is just saying that but what he really wants was what he proposed at beginnung. Btw he isnt charming and Im not fond of supermodel guys, I may say he was smart and good talkative but not handsome.

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if I propose smth to do outside and he agrees, is there any chance he was just testing the waters before and he may be a good guy, is there any possibility, or he will just fake like he like to go out? Thats the point I do not trust that much peoole, if he says ok to a date outside I will think oh he is just saying that but what he really wants was what he proposed at beginnung.

You really don't know. You have to take the "risk" to find out. It's not about trust. There are two scenarios: 1) he wants just sex for a few times 2) He wants sex and he wants to date you as well. If you have misgivings just don't do it.

Btw he isnt charming and Im not fond of supermodel guys,
Ah, nobody wants us. What a curse.
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It's a classic sh*t test to determine what quality of person you are. Are you the type that will sleep with them early, or scurry away in fear? Or, are you the woman that will stand up for yourself, that you are looking for something deeper and not prepared to have a home date until you are ready. If they continue to pester after you have stood up to them, then best just get rid of them.

 

The test weeds out the people they aren't looking for and is done by men and women, just in different ways.

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Is this the same guy who wants you to pay for second dates? Yes eventually dating is for romance not friends. You control the pace, so why ponder this? Just don't go to guy's homes too soon, it's that simple.

You seem to be asking for a future forecast about motives, interest, character, etc but you will just have to wait and see. One date and you want a roadmap for the future based on signs and guessing, not facts

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if I propose smth to do outside and he agrees, is there any chance he was just testing the waters before and he may be a good guy, is there any possibility, or he will just fake like he like to go out? Thats the point I do not trust that much peoole, if he says ok to a date outside I will think oh he is just saying that but what he really wants was what he proposed at beginnung. Btw he isnt charming and Im not fond of supermodel guys, I may say he was smart and good talkative but not handsome.

 

I'd take a little break, along the lines of what Rose suggested.

 

This level of lack of trust just makes dating very, very hard. And draining. Speaking only for myself, I know that when I was dating—and I did a lot of it, have done a lot of it 40 years—I really struggled to connect when I got the sense that a woman was sizing me up, wondering if I was just "another guy" who was "like all the others," in that I was only "interested in one thing." Being put in the position, right off the bat, of proving that wasn't the case, that I was "good" or "decent"? Well, it's just an awful feeling.

 

As dias said, it's all a risk. You have to trust yourself to be able to assess it, navigate it, recover when it's disappointing or doesn't feel right, since that's mainly what dating is. Also really helps to believe, in your core, that you are worth a whole lot more than just sex. Guys who can't see you in that light? All good. Just means they're lame and limited and not for you. But you can't discover all that without being open to participating.

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if I propose smth to do outside and he agrees, is there any chance he was just testing the waters before and he may be a good guy, is there any possibility, or he will just fake like he like to go out? Thats the point I do not trust that much peoole, if he says ok to a date outside I will think oh he is just saying that but what he really wants was what he proposed at beginnung. Btw he isnt charming and Im not fond of supermodel guys, I may say he was smart and good talkative but not handsome.

 

Charmers and players do not have to be hot. My ex wasn’t good looking and he was one of the most charming people I have ever met. Charmers get too close and comfortable too fast.

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Ah, nobody wants us. What a curse.

 

 

Hahah didn't mean to offend, but people in here without me saying anything about the appearance of guy assumed he was charming and I got attracted to him just because of that.

 

Many women are drawn into guys like that, until they recognize they aren’t partner material.

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Is this the same guy who wants you to pay for second dates? Yes eventually dating is for romance not friends. You control the pace, so why ponder this? Just don't go to guy's homes too soon, it's that simple.

You seem to be asking for a future forecast about motives, interest, character, etc but you will just have to wait and see. One date and you want a roadmap for the future based on signs and guessing, not facts

 

He is the same guy and he insisted again on that home date tody, so I am calling him off. It looks very inappropriate for me.

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Not sure why you are talking about trust when referring to a stranger you've only met once. You don't know this person. Trust is something people earn over time through consistent actions, it's not something you just grant to a stranger just because you had a one good date.

 

OP, most reasonably social people can be a fun first meet/date. It means nothing. You've got to cool your jets about getting over excited and jumping in too deep too fast because all you are doing is setting yourself up for a disappointment. In general, no person is ever perfect. A concept that needs to leave your mind for good. Nobody is perfect and nobody can live up to perfection.

 

Dating, especially if you are meeting people through OLD is like a dirty job - lots of all kinds of weirdos that will never be your match. Again, they might be nice on first meet, but....you have to wait awhile to see who they really are and what their motivations are. Some ruthlessness in weeding out garbage is actually good and not something you need to fix or stop doing necessarily.

 

My rule when dating is pretty straightforward - if I like the guy and he suggests doing something I'm not interested or comfortable with, I'll simply counter with something else to do and then watch to see how he responds. If he resists, counters, ignores and pushes forward with his own agenda, he is gone. I don't feel bad about it, I don't feel upset, it's not about trust, it's about judging compatibility. The quality that I'm looking for is a man who pays attention and respects my pace/choices. If he doesn't bring that to the table, NEXT. One good date, even five good dates mean nothing. Every date, every time is you looking to get to know them and see, observe how they are, who they are, how they treat you and others, and so on. At it's core it's all about you judging compatibility, but it's a process. If you can weed out some bad characters quickly - good, saves you time and effort. Always be grateful when someone shows you their negative side early on because they make it very easy for you to walk away.

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