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I’m freaking out right now inside. I recently ended a five-year relationship. I broke it off two weeks ago. I’ve been alone for over a week. I decided today to go onto a pretty obscure dating app. Strictly just to look and maybe give myself a little hope that there are other people out there that I might be interested in. I am not ready to be in a relationship. Literally just looking.

 

So like I said, I joined today. My ex messaged me tonight and said “nice profile pic“ on said dating app. I cannot believe she was on there and found me. Same day, pretty obscure app. I feel completely disgusting and I absolutely cannot believe the odds. She was not happy about it. I never wanted to hurt her.

 

Was it a mistake? Should I really feel this bad? I feel like such a complete POS. When she messaged me it felt like I was struck by lightning. Not a good day.

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Uhmm, hello? She was on the dating site for the same reason.

 

Why let her try to embarrass you over it? She can't do that without your permission. Tell her 'Thank you. Back at yah'!'

 

Shrug it off and focus on yourself.

 

Thanks. I know. It’s just that the break up was actually going very well. A lot of emotions but we were both very civil and mature. Now I feel like an a hole. Now has a reason to be angry and I hate the thought of that. Kills me.I just feel horrible. She won’t believe me but I was just looking.

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It doesn't seem like you two are acting like you're broken up.

 

Do you regret breaking up? Do you want to ask her to reconcile?

 

No. The whole situation is obviously very hard but unless she makes some very significant changes, there’s absolutely no way it can work. And by changes I mean for her to be able to find happiness within her self. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have very strong feelings for her. I wish I didn’t. I wish I didn’t care.

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Just deactivate the dating app for now. It's going to cause you more pain right now looking at other women when you're not quite all there.

 

I'm not referring to running into her either. You're just not ready.

 

If you're lonely, look at meetup.com and look for interest groups. Some of them are very obviously for singles and others are more get togethers for people of similar interests.

 

Stay away from the dating apps right now.

 

I think it's a red flag that she's on it fishing. Not a great catch. And further reason to keep things finished between the both of you.

 

Focus on you.

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She’s your ex. You didn’t do anything to intentionally hurt her - let her manage her own feelings.

 

And I agree with the other with other sentiments About staying off of OLD for a while until you get your feet u see you again.

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It was 5 years, so yes, 2 weeks after a breakup and you're on a dating sites makes you look not great. It looks like she didn't matter and that you didn't care to be respectful enough to have a period of mourning over the loss of the relationship. After all, even though it ended, everyone wants to feel like they mattered and that they'll be missed, even if it can't be repaired.

For someone to jump straight onto a dating site, it makes it look like she meant nothing and you are more than ready to jump to the next girl.

 

Let's just say you were 'just looking'. It still isn't good to be doing that as you still need to heal (whether you think so or not) and you still need to let your ex go, mentally, emotionally and every other way possible until you feel no upset or pain over the loss, which can take a long time.

Because unless you're a cold hearted ass, you would most definitely not be ready to date again right now so soon after and would not be completely over her.

 

It makes more sense right now to reconnect with family and friends. Dating shouldn't be on the list for the time being. For a 5 year relationship? You should give it minimum 6 months before you go onto someone else.

 

Why was she on there? If she loved you at all, she was probably scouring the dating sites to see if you had made a profile. Doesn't mean she wants you back. It means she's not over you yet and is having a difficult time letting go.

So yeah, it wasn't a nice find for her.

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If you were just looking why then did you put up a profile pic?

 

It sounds like you checked out of the relationship before it ended.

Why do you feel bad?

 

I figured the picture was required. I didn’t fill out any of the other information whatsoever. Just wanted to take a peek. Horrible coincidence.

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It's time to delete and block her and All her people from All your apps. Social media, messaging, dating apps, etc. No problem getting a profile to look around. The problem is not blocking her from everything and every device.

I decided today to go onto a pretty obscure dating app. Strictly just to look and maybe give myself a little hope that there are other people out there that I might be interested in.

 

My ex messaged me tonight and said “nice profile pic“ on said dating app.

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Often, people are in very shaky mindsets after a breakup. You each made mistakes. What's done is done, so the only thing you can do now is what's best for yourself. Stay off the dating apps, because if your ex could see and message you, other women might as well. And when they find out you're weeks out of a 5 year relationship, the together ones will book it out of there like Speed Racer. And you are not ready to date, even if the breakup was your choice and you've been checked out for a while.

 

Give yourself time to learn how to be happy solo for a while--to regain the knowledge of who you are without a partner. You'll thank yourself later when you're at a better place mentally to date again.

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Did you respond?

 

Ignore her on all fronts. Block and delete her from everything and that problem is taken care of. You have enough to work on without her popping up every 3 days setting you back.

 

 

Do you want to heal and move on or not? It is that simple.

 

Lost

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Often, people are in very shaky mindsets after a breakup. You each made mistakes. What's done is done, so the only thing you can do now is what's best for yourself. Stay off the dating apps, because if your ex could see and message you, other women might as well. And when they find out you're weeks out of a 5 year relationship, the together ones will book it out of there like Speed Racer. And you are not ready to date, even if the breakup was your choice and you've been checked out for a while.

 

Give yourself time to learn how to be happy solo for a while--to regain the knowledge of who you are without a partner. You'll thank yourself later when you're at a better place mentally to date again.

 

I am honestly not trying to be in a relationship whatsoever right now. Just taking a quick peek for the sake of some hope. I can’t believe the odds. For the record I do horrible on those sites. Took me a whole year to find somebody and maybe three messages throughout the course of a whole year. Really bad. Just wanted to sneak a peek at what the scene looks like. It’s horrible.

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A few thoughts.

 

I know you're hurting right now, looking for something to boost your confidence, and totally understand the urge to find it by swiping around, by "just looking." Did the same thing myself, 24 hours after my last relationship ended. Not sure anything felt more icky and insincere, so I deleted the app and searched for confidence elsewhere: feeling the feelings, traveling, reading, connecting with friends, accepting that it was okay to just be lost for a bit. True game changer, that period, one that eventually primed me for the world of swiping and dating—and loving—on a different level than I'd ever known. Guess what I'm saying is that who you are in healing is who you are, the shape you heal into, so it's worth being mindful of the choices you're making in regards to where you want to be on the other side of this moment.

 

As for her response? Shrug it off. It's kind of just an extension, in the end, of why you've decided to breakup: the impulsiveness, the edge, the drama, the inability to process tough feelings with some grace and maturity. She's on there, after all, for the same reasons you're on there. In short, this is noise. Whether you're spending your days chasing orgies or meditating in a mountaintop cave, those choices are yours, not for her. She's free to judge them, of course, but to use that judgement as a means to connect—well, that's just a solid sign of someone to continue the melancholy process of disconnecting from.

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She purposely wanted you to feel bad/guilty for revenge...it's your damn life you do what you want she has no say.....if she doesn't like it so what. Block and delete her. You broke up for a reason....I'm sure that was part of it. You need to be confident, do something fun, keep yourself busy...dating apps can wait.

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I am honestly not trying to be in a relationship whatsoever right now. Just taking a quick peek for the sake of some hope. I can’t believe the odds. For the record I do horrible on those sites. Took me a whole year to find somebody and maybe three messages throughout the course of a whole year. Really bad. Just wanted to sneak a peek at what the scene looks like. It’s horrible.

 

The scene is always horrible. Dating apps are a blend of Mars and Jupiter - pock-marked with craters (gaping holes in logic and too-empty profiles), photoshopped mirages like terrible gasses swirling to confuse you and awkward conversations on top of sex-seeking and rebound casual hook ups (asteroids and meteors).

 

I met my husband that way but I can't say it was the best way to meet someone. There is always a hit and miss when you meet new people.

 

Cut yourself some slack, kick back with a margarita on a beach and feel the warm sun. Eat fresh coconuts.

 

The only thing that matters now is you, the sun, the warm summer air or cool air wherever you are.

 

A friend recently introduced me to podcasts but I can't seem to get into it because the constant talking is actually quite annoying to me. There are a few that I like though and put on occasionally. Maybe check this out and find new hobbies. There are whole galaxies waiting to be discovered. You don't need to be stuck on Mars and Jupiter.

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Why shouldn't she be on dating apps if that's what she chooses? What, is she supposed to become a nun simply because some guy dumped her?

 

As the dumpee, though, it's a bit more awkward to beat feet to the dating apps and get caught doing so. And the whole "just looking" mentality is exactly why -- or one of the many reasons why -- the experience is so horrible for the majority. It reduces people to no more than merchandise. I mean "just looking" is what you do when you go shoe shopping.

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She can be on dating apps all she wants. She just doesn’t need to be hypocritical to the OP about it. Like it’s only fine for her to move on.

 

Thank you. I keep trying to tell myself this but I just feel like such an idiot because I did not want to hurt her. I think she really just needed something to be mad at me about and I feel like an idiot that I gave that to her. Stupid move.

 

It’s just crazy. What are the odds that she would be on the same random app and even sign up the same exact day. Ridiculous coincidence. It is what it is though. I cannot control her feelings even though I feel like what I did was really very harmless. We both had every right to go on an app, my intention was only to look in absolutely under no circumstances begin a new relationship anytime soon at all. No way am I ready. Just wanted to take a friggin peek.

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So much drama over nothing. Do you normally have this tendency to whip up drama, make a mountain out of a molehill?

 

She was so heartbroken that she was already on a dating app....give me break or rather give yourself a break and stop being ridiculous. You are not that important that you "broke" her heart. That's a level of arrogance and self importance on your part that you really need to get in check.

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I still give them same response. Its too soon for either of you. Both of you need to focus more on friends and family. Not to try to place blame, but you both failed at a serious relationship.

Because of that, neither of you are ready for any kind of new relationship. You should both stay single, reflect on what went wrong, not just with the relationship, or the other person but also with yourself.

 

"Peeking" seems useless right now. Think of it more like this. What do you have to offer someone? What mistakes did you make in the last relationship? What failures do you want to improve on within a relationship and with yourself?

Until improvement can be made on BOTH sides, yours and your ex's, neither of you are any good for anyone else. All you will do is get back into a relationship that goes downhill and has the same problems as the last one.

 

It's easy to place blame on the other person and say "it was all them, all their fault!" but truth be told, you choose them for a partner. You stayed with her for 5 years. If there were failures, there must have been some failures on your part as well. The least of them being, your judgement, as for the worst, that's for you to figure out.

But it's most definitely not all on them.

 

You and her truthfully have no business on any dating site as neither of you have anything good to bring to anyone, right this second. Too much healing still needed, too much improvements still needed.

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So what exactly are you doing while you "peek"? You just look at their profile pics? Why do you need to be on a dating site to look at pics of women? And how does that help you move on from your previous relationship?

 

I'm serious, I really am curious to know why you would want to do this.

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