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hi everyone,

 

I've met this guy online and we met twice. The first date was really good, there was lot of banter and chats. The second date was really long but it was 90% about his frustrations with his divorce process and custody of his kid. He seem to be pretty upset with the way his ex wife has left him, it appears she left him all of a sudden accusing him of controlling, belittling and neglecting their child.

I did ask him several time even before I met him, if he has taken enough break from the breakup or if he is just fresh out of the divorce I do not want to get involved.

 

He said it has been 6 months since it happened and he has completely recovered etc, but he still seems to be talking about what happened and how he is getting stronger and recovering from it day to day.

 

It might be mistake on my part to have said "If something bothers you, talk to me" but I did not realise the whole date would end up about him talking about his past.

 

There are also several questions on my mind about things that he quotes his ex-wife accused him of such as controlling, belittling and neglecting their child and asked her to go to work soon after pregnancy. I told him, I empathise women who are new mum;s and they go through a lot of problems mentally and physically and it can be unfair to ask some one to get back to normal asap and some women undergo depression.

 

I have a feeling he has not handled it well and not knowing his ex-wife I have a feeling, mistake might be on his part. I did mention this to him how I felt and he replied, issues around finance and pregnancy should be a discussion and not a decision that can be made solo. This does not resonate well with me. Has he not been supportive?

 

We have a lot in common and we chat almost everyday and he mentioned many times that he is infatuated with me, I am pretty and many nice things.

 

I am still reticent to get into a 3rd date or proceed with this further because of the questions in the back of my mind.

 

I don't know the full story / other side of the story so I have to trust what he says.

 

What should I do? How should I proceed?

 

ta.

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6 months is not enough time to recover from a broken marriage especially when there's a kid involved and he's already spent almost one whole date talking about it instead of getting to know you.

 

I think this is a lost case.

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Your instincts are good. Trust them. There are too many red flags here. The recent split is unfortunately just the tip of the iceberg. The more disconcerting things are how he uses you as free therapy, speaks in a derogatory manner about his ex, and the worst of it is that she accused him of being controlling and abusive to his child. Do not let cheap flattery guide you into this dark hole.

 

Run. But do not explain. Make up anything bland, such as we're not a match, met someone else, whatever, but get rid of this guy asap. Dating is not social work or legal aid. It's to get to know people enough to determine if you want to have them in your life. From what you observed and from what he's told you, this is the type of person who'll soon turn his wrath on you.

He seem to be pretty upset with the way his ex wife has left him, it appears she left him all of a sudden accusing him of controlling, belittling and neglecting their child.

 

It might be mistake on my part to have said "If something bothers you, talk to me" but I did not realise the whole date would end up about him talking about his past.

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It is to soon for him to be dating anyone.

 

He is a newly single dad and needs to learn how to be the best single dad he can be first. Then he needs to make a good life for himself and his child and make sure that is going well BEFORE he turns his attentions to romance.

 

These are the things that concern me more than him complaining how he got screwed over by his ex wife. People will often vent but he has vented to soon and with to much detail.

 

Relationships can be hard enough without the extra baggage don't you think?

 

Lost

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When an early date turns into a venting therapy session, it's your clue that this person is far away from being healed and ready to date.

 

Asking people if they are ready, btw, is an act of futility. Nobody will ever tell you, "you know what, totally not ready, but really want to use you for a warm bed, a crutch, free therapy, and void filler until I get back on my feet and dump you because I'm finally feeling better and ready to move on with my single life now."

 

Trust your instincts and common sense instead. This guy is showing right off the bat that he is not only not over his divorce, but hasn't processed what happened. As others said, there is a forest of red flags here and he is far far away from being ready for anything, let alone being able to make a good partner. Don't waste any more of your time.

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I feel bad for him but agree with the others. This is pretty negative for you.

 

Don't get into the habit trying to fix someone especially this early. The dialogue appears very negative and self-absorbed.

 

Perhaps another time, another place. Right now is bad timing.

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I personally wouldn't date someone who is so bent out of shape with their ex, and is so negative. I wouldn't care how infatuated he was (red flag to that too)....I think you are making a mistake dating this guy. Especially expecting his wife to get back to work right after having a baby...he's very insensitive. When people drag up their previous relationship as a conversation on a date, I would be saying no to another date.

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His ex didn’t suddenly leave him and accuse him of being belittling , controlling etc.

leaving him dumbfounded lol

 

Clearly an ongoing thing that didn’t get resolved and she eventually left him for the things that were not resolved.

 

6 months later and he still thinks she left him abruptly?? What a joke!

He still talks bitterly about her and still can’t come to the conclusion that he was part of a relationship that failed.

 

AND There is a child involved.

 

It doesn’t matter how long someone is separated. That does not mean they are ready to date.

They are ONLY ready to date when their feelings become indifferent to their ex .

For some that is never!

 

Tell him you aren’t interested and no you don’t have to explain why.

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Thanks everyone. When I asked him "Are really over your past"? he got so defensive and started turning it back on me saying things like "based on some of the things you said, looks like you are not still over your past" and he added, "If you don't mind pls don't ask this question again, if I am not over my past, I would not be dating".

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Thanks everyone. When I asked him "Are really over your past"? he got so defensive and started turning it back on me saying things like "based on some of the things you said, looks like you are not still over your past" and he added, "If you don't mind pls don't ask this question again, if I am not over my past, I would not be dating".

 

While his response is pretty lame—and telling—asking someone you hardly know a question like this is rarely going to lead to anything productive. Aggressive lines of questioning tend to produce defensive results, as evidenced in courtrooms for centuries.

 

Romance, though, is not a trial. He spent your second date talking endlessly about his ex, his divorce, his custody issues. Lots of information, right there. Why not just listen to that, listen to how it makes you feel, skip the litigating of a stranger and make the right choice for you?

 

Like, let's say that, instead of talking about his ex, he just talked and talked about something that bored you to tears. Would you ask, "Are you really an interesting person?" Or would you decide, based on being bored, that he wasn't someone to continue to date? It's basically the same, at this stage.

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Just another red flag and pretty much confirms why his ex left. Run. It's a silly question because people are going to answer as he did. You need keen observation and in this case simply noting the Glaring Red flags.

he added, "If you don't mind pls don't ask this question again, if I am not over my past, I would not be dating".
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i think he just showed you he needs loads of time to be ready for a relationship.

So you need to tell him politely this will not work out and good bye.

Dont be friends you will just be his crying shoulder

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Generally a date is where you put your best foot forward. You're trying to impress the other person with your great personality.

 

This guy spent his time, on a second date with you, talking about his ex, his divorce, his custody issues. Did he mention vital information briefly? Or did he voluntarily speak about those topics at great length? The latter is a red flag in my opinion.

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He seem to casually speak about the past a lot. He got a call in-between which he said he has to attend and after the call he was venting full time. It is pretty clear he is using me as a therapist. I did indirectly mention to him that this date doesn't count as a date as he was full time venting.

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He seem to casually speak about the past a lot. He got a call in-between which he said he has to attend and after the call he was venting full time. It is pretty clear he is using me as a therapist. I did indirectly mention to him that this date doesn't count as a date as he was full time venting.

 

Why not just bid him farewell?

 

Are you planning on seeing this guy again?

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