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Should I Meet him for a Conversation?


charbyrde

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Hi everyone,

 

TLDR; my boyfriend had a hard time being laid off work for 3 months since beginning of March. He got himself in the habit of playing video games for 10 - 12 hours a day, and smoking pot every couple hours every single day. I don't blame him for any of this, quarantine was a very confusing time for everyone. I'm a nurse and working often. I would come home and cook, clean exercise etc. I spoke to him about how I was concerned with the gaming and smoking and he was not receptive. I sat down with him in tears asking for just a little bit of help around the house. May 9 I got home from work and I had asked him to vacuum and I came home to a mess, and I had just had enough. I was frustrated and took to my group chat and said some pretty hurtful things that I absolutely did not mean. I was heated and angry and frustrated. My girlfriends and I made a comment about needing to find a rich man - and he took this as I was looking for a new boyfriend. Which is 100% not true. I also stated that I was so exhausted sometimes I think it would be easier if he did not exist. :ee - Something I should have NEVER said.

 

He then deleted his playstation game on May 9 for other reasons. Things improved SO much, he was exercising with me a couple times, helping around the house, he picked up a landscaping job, things really started to improve. But I also started working more, picking up more shifts and going to see my parents regularly.

 

I got home from work on May 24 and turns out he went through my laptop and facebook messages with my girlfriends and immediately told me to move out of the apartment and that he never wants to see me again. Blocked me on everything and he left the apartment until I collected my belongings. Did not even give me a chance to speak.

 

It has been 2 weeks since the break up, he's been gone for a week now traveling BC with a buddy. He met up with a mutual friend of ours last week and stated he would like to "hear me out" and that he's open to having a conversation. He stated he texted me asking about my packages and that all I said was "ok". When I left the apartment, I left a note detailing how I did not mean those things I said when I was angry, but I understand it may have been too soon for that. Should I meet up with him? What are his intentions of meeting with me?

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We were together for 2 years, lived together for 1 year. He is 26 and I am 25.

He was formerly working as a manager at a restaurant and quit this job due to stress.

He then started serving as a waiter and stated this is what he wanted for the future because its "easy" and "more money"

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Where are you living now? You did the right thing ending it. He is lazy, his mother interferes, he rifles through you devices, has no respect for you or boundaries. Let the dust settle, confide in and get support from friends and family. Stay strong and do not reenter such a horrible situation.

 

My advice about him remains the same: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=564916&p=7220962&viewfull=1#post7220962

It has been 2 weeks since the break up. He stated he texted me asking about my packages and that all I said was "ok".

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Hi,

 

My sister messaged (they're friends) asking to pick up my packages for me. She then couldn't stop by, and said to him "Char will come pick them up, and I think she would like to have a conversation" he replied "I want to hear hear out"

 

He texted me the next day asking if I would like to come by and pick up my packages to which I said "OK".

 

He then met up with a mutual friend the next day, she stated he said he would like to have a conversation with me but that I had not reached out. And that he texted me asking about my packages and all I had said was "Ok".

 

So I texted him letting him know I am still waiting for a package, and that I would like to have a conversation if we meet up, he said "Ok, let me know", but then went out of town for a week.

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Do you want to continue spending your life and building a life with this man? Have you been able to reflect on that, at all, during these two very hard weeks? I ask these questions because it's never fully possible to understand another's intentions, which is why it's important to know ours.

 

I understand you feel very bad right now, very confused, and would like to feel less bad, less confused, and more connected in a way that isn't full of hostility. But, big picture, what is it that you want?

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I mean when you reach that level of frustration with your bf that you say those things.......maybe it's time for you to take a big step back and rethink the relationship and whether you really should be with this guy at all.

 

Think about this - he has a good job, he quits because he can't handle it. He gets a lesser job, gets laid off and reacts with being high and playing games 24/7, you have to actually beg him in tears to at least help a little around the house. This isn't a man, it's a manchild and your relationship dynamic is you playing mommy to him and begging baby to clean his room instead of gaming. Not to mention that he invades your privacy, eavesdrops on your personal, private conversations among friends, get his ego hurt and dumps you.

 

This guy is what you call a loser and it's not going to get better. Sure he might step up temporarily, but in the long run? He'll pull you down as you kill yourself working long hours and shifts to pay the bills and keep cooking and cleaning while he sits on his arse. I'm speaking with a bit of life mileage and experience over you here. Men like that do not grow up.

 

Don't get so caught up in feeling guilty about what you said. He should be apologizing to you for eavesdropping into what is none of his business. What you were venting to your friends was not for his ears and he had no business reading that. None. You actually had every right to be frustrated with him and his behavior....and you might want to think on that frustration a bit before you stoop to begging him to come back into your life. Maybe just maybe...you shouldn't.

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I think the way he treated you by kicking you out in such a knee jerk reaction is unforgivable, in my opinion.

 

It wasn't just a "I'm taking a weekend with the guys to get my head on straight" type of deal. He freaking kicked you out.

 

Sure, those things were said in frustration and it doesn't make it right (on your part) but I don't think this relationship is workable if one partner finds themselves justified in doing what he did as a solution to problems. You'll find yourself constantly walking on eggshells around this person and afraid for your stability. How he reacted was ridiculous, in my mind.

 

Is he still smoking weed? That has serious effects on people despite the popular belief that it does not - their ability to make decisions, paranoia and other issues. Not everyone is affected as badly but it does have a long term effect and I've seen it personally in my personal relationships.

 

If you want to meet with him for closure, by all means. I wouldn't consider this a relationship to return to. Don't move back in with him.

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How is he paying his rent and internet bill if he's not working and doesn't have you to help pay the bills? Is he receiving unemployment benefits?

 

Yes we are in canada so he is getting $2,000 a month for unemployment due to COVID right now

 

Clearly he isnt struggling because he just left for a week to go on a road trip with a friend.

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Yes we are in canada so he is getting $2,000 a month for unemployment due to COVID right now

 

Clearly he isnt struggling because he just left for a week to go on a road trip with a friend.

 

And what will happen when that dries up? Also it's not that much money in terms of rent and all the other bills....not to mention his addiction to pot. Yes, if he is smoking every single day, he has gone way beyond recreational use.

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1) Avoidant with gaming and weed

2) Invasion of privacy

3) Lazy - can't clean up after himself

4) Inconsiderate - makes you leave during a pandemic

5) Zero ambition - leaves good job

6) Selfish - no where in what he does is in consideration of you

7) Bad listener - won't even hear you out

8) Incompassionate - doesn't even see how he was culpable in all this

 

Why do you want this dude? Throw all the good times prior out the window. This is the who he truly is. Imagine adding kids to the mix?

 

I mean, yeah, the pandemic is so stressful and tough. My hubs had two panic attacks, and a hypertensive crisis 10 days ago, and he still made sure to take care of the kids, and do the dishes, and other projects. I think you need to aim higher.

 

And do not for one minute blame yourself. This guy is finally showing you when the going gets tough, all he cares about is himself.

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Yes we are in canada so he is getting $2,000 a month for unemployment due to COVID right now

 

Clearly he isnt struggling because he just left for a week to go on a road trip with a friend.

 

Is he the responsible type who will not spend money on entertainment unless and until all of his bills and utilities are paid?

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Should I meet up with him?
HELL, NO.

 

What are his intentions of meeting with me?
To get his free live-in maid and mommy back. No offense.

 

Think about this - he has a good job, he quits because he can't handle it. He gets a lesser job, gets laid off and reacts with being high and playing games 24/7, you have to actually beg him in tears to at least help a little around the house. This isn't a man, it's a manchild and your relationship dynamic is you playing mommy to him and begging baby to clean his room instead of gaming. Not to mention that he invades your privacy, eavesdrops on your personal, private conversations among friends, get his ego hurt and dumps you.

 

Exactly. I don't understand why you 'don't blame him for any of this.' Whose fault is this if it is not his?

 

Do you have no respect for the male gender? Do you think there are no men out there who are able to cope with problems and care for themselves and for other people?

 

You've coped through the same 'very confusing time' working as a nurse. I'm sure COVID made your job harder, not easier. But you didn't quit work to get stoned and play video games all day. Instead, you've pushed through and done your best to maintain your routines.

 

I lost my job at the end of March. I did not resort to wasting entire days on video games, getting high, and shutting out my responsibilities to my partner.

 

My boyfriend's family business practically tanked as a result of COVID, they laid everybody off (including him), and aren't sure whether the business can survive. My boyfriend loves video games, and he plays the sht out of them during all of this downtime, but he still does his half of the chores and makes time for me and for us. He also loves to get stoned, but hasn't touched the stuff in eight years. He didn't use the collapse of his family business and this 'very confusing time' as an excuse to relapse.

 

You are going to get stuck with men like this over and over again, until you learn to accept that all men are not pansies, and that all men do not require you to mother them.

 

This too:

 

I think the way he treated you by kicking you out in such a knee jerk reaction is unforgivable

 

Terrible.

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I mean when you reach that level of frustration with your bf that you say those things.......maybe it's time for you to take a big step back and rethink the relationship and whether you really should be with this guy at all.

 

Think about this - he has a good job, he quits because he can't handle it. He gets a lesser job, gets laid off and reacts with being high and playing games 24/7, you have to actually beg him in tears to at least help a little around the house. This isn't a man, it's a manchild and your relationship dynamic is you playing mommy to him and begging baby to clean his room instead of gaming. Not to mention that he invades your privacy, eavesdrops on your personal, private conversations among friends, get his ego hurt and dumps you.

 

This guy is what you call a loser and it's not going to get better. Sure he might step up temporarily, but in the long run? He'll pull you down as you kill yourself working long hours and shifts to pay the bills and keep cooking and cleaning while he sits on his arse. I'm speaking with a bit of life mileage and experience over you here. Men like that do not grow up.

 

Don't get so caught up in feeling guilty about what you said. He should be apologizing to you for eavesdropping into what is none of his business. What you were venting to your friends was not for his ears and he had no business reading that. None. You actually had every right to be frustrated with him and his behavior....and you might want to think on that frustration a bit before you stoop to begging him to come back into your life. Maybe just maybe...you shouldn't.

 

I agree. This guy is a manchild and loser. Quitting his job as a manager because he could handle it. Not good.

 

Smoking weed all day and playing video games while you are busting your azz at work and home is inexcusable. This is what your future would look like if you continue with this guy.

 

Don't go back!

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I mentioned this in your other thread, OP - he didn't just stumble across your messages by accident. He deliberately and intentionally went looking for trouble. Why? To find something to hold over your head? To punish you for "making" him step up and get start pulling his load in the relationship? Because he wanted to dump you?

 

Please stop and think about this long and hard OP - he was looking because he was on a warpath already, not because you talked and things were great or on the mend. Maybe that's the image he temporarily presented to you, but beneath that something else was brewing. Beware.

 

Now think on this - after all the bs behavior and garbage he has pulled, he will deign to listen to you beg, grovel, and apologize to him? Talk about turning the tables on you and distracting away from the fact that he is full of bs and a total loser. Yeash. Please don't fall for this garbage gaming. He might have unplugged his gaming system, but that's only because he is gaming you in real life in real time.

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And to add on. So he can't do dishes or vacuum, but he has plenty of time to go on vacation from playing all those video games? Instead of treating our FRONTLINE worker to a wonderful treat!!!??????!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Please, for love of all things COVID - this guy is not the one. Pass on thinking you need to apologize. I mean, you were telling your friends about his behavior, and I think you know deep down that this is not how it's suppose to be.

 

Thank you for your service!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Please love yourself, and don't spend one more minute talking to someone who had months to listen.

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Party animals are not partners. Never be someone's live-in maid to this extreme.

 

His mother contacted you from overseas to tell you to stop picking on her son and 'saying mean things' to him.

 

She may have encouraged him to toss you out, that's fine, let his mother or buddy wipe his heinie now. A man better than this guy will be very easy to find.

He got himself in the habit of playing video games for 10 - 12 hours a day, and smoking pot every couple hours every single day.

 

It has been 2 weeks since the break up, he's been gone for a week now traveling BC with a buddy.

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I think in some respect, OP, you are feeling hurt and miss him. And we all understand that. It's hard...

 

But as many have pointed out, this relationship is pretty lopsided, in a variety of categories. His maturity & work ethic do not match yours. His mother is a buttinski. He completely disrespected your privacy, flew off the handles and threw you out of house, in a holier than thou melt down.

 

Now, you hear through the grapevine, that he wants to see you and you're ready to jump.

 

Meanwhile, he is off having a good time, traveling with a friend during a global pandemic. Granted I don't know your area... There is still a lot of social distancing and trying to reduce the spread happening all over. My point is, just one more example of poor judgment, that stinks of his "me, me, me" attitude.

 

A responsible adult would be looking to get a job or working a job to make up for lost income. Not wasting more on a joy trip in an unstable economy.

 

And let's not forget his pot smoking, video gaming, non chore doing track record.

 

From where I sit, you dodged a bullet and I would be gone for good.

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