Boy/Girl Friendship turns into more...with major plot twist.

[Diagonal]

Sooo, I've spent the last 5 years + working with a girl who for the last 2 years has had a girlfriend.

 

We have got on really well from day 1. She was not on my radar because I thought she was 100% Gay and I was also also in my own relationship.

 

Fast forward 5 years.

 

We are both single (unrelated).

 

We both supported each other massively outside of work to help the other through our own break ups (both around 3 months apart) and in the process basically became close friends.

 

Dispite the lockdown we are still working a lot together, plus we talk all the time outside of work, started hanging out more etc.

 

Anyway, she told me about 9 months ago she also liked guys (which I am) as well as women.

 

Fast forward another 3 months and I've started to grow strong feelings for her out of nowhere!

 

The time we spend together, talk to each other has increased further and also included flirting, touching etc from both sides.

 

Things grew very slowly, organically and has a really strong friendship as a foundation.

 

Anyway, I told her how I feel about a month ago and said I would love to see if we could take it further.

 

She said she felt the same: she was really attracted to me, misses me when I'm not around, loves to spend time with me, can't wait to see me etc.

 

She also said she hadn't felt like this about a guy before but because of our friendship, work situation, mutual friends and the fact that she prefers women - she couldn't take things further.

 

She said she didn't want to get 6 months or a 1 year down the line and realise she wanted to be with a women again and ruin everything.

 

She is also worried that it would ruin our friendship, plus she is worried that it would get very messy at work because I'm liked by everyone and she's worried it could backfire on her.

 

This is all totally understandable but she has since said that if we had just met outside of work, she would totally want to give it a go because of how well we fit together.

 

She also said she's been in the same position twice before and it's backfired and doesn't want it to happen again.

 

I am not sure what to do. I want to give her space and be patient but have no one to talk to about it.

 

The only person she has told is her brother (who I also know well) and he told her he thinks we would be perfect together and we should try and see if it would work.

 

Any advice or insight would be great!

 

Thanks!!

[Wiseman2]

She wants to stay friends for some very good reasons. Listen to her. If you are lonely and ready to date again, find other ways to meet women.

[Jibralta]

I agree with Wiseman--listen to her!! I know it sucks, but it's probably best for everyone this way.

[lostandhurt]

You have a tough hill to climb.

 

Do you want to be with someone you have to convince to be with you or someone that truly wants to be with you?

 

For you to move on and start dating someone else you need to reduce your contact with her. It wouldn't be fair to anyone you meet if the woman you still are hoping will change her mind and want a relationship with you is your best friend.

 

Have a talk with her and let her know that you still would like to be friends but you need to back off from the friendship for a while so you can redirect your feelings and focus onto meeting someone.

 

She is right that dating you would be her second choice. She wants a relationship with a woman which clearly you are not. Don't try and change her.

 

It sucks but this is the cruel part of life where you meet someone that is perfect except for that one thing that makes it impossible.

 

It will not be easy but the sooner you distance yourself from her the sooner you will be able to start wanting to meet someone new.

 

Best wishes

Lost

[Rose Mosse]

Her brother needs to butt out and mind his own business.

 

As everyone is saying, listen to her and respect herself and yourself. It would be beneath you to coerce or try to convince someone or pressure someone to date you when she is not ready.

 

Don't do it. Take it easy, enjoy your friendship and flirt at work if you want if you are both single.

 

Apart from that, keep your distance and stay respectful and professional.

[boltnrun]

Her brother doesn't make her dating decisions for her. She does.

 

Please don't be "that guy" who thinks he knows better than she does what is good and right for her. If you respect her (which I presume you do), acknowledge that she is perfectly capable of making decisions for herself.

[MissCanuck]

She likes you, but not enough to date you.

 

I would put some distance there now, so you don't get totally gut-punched when she does start dating someone else.

[Andrina]

She said she didn't want to get 6 months or a 1 year down the line and realise she wanted to be with a women again and ruin everything.

She is also worried that it would ruin our friendship, plus she is worried that it would get very messy at work because I'm liked by everyone and she's worried it could backfire on her.

She also said she's been in the same position twice before and it's backfired and doesn't want it to happen again.

 

Reason after reason after reason of why she shouldn't be with you. When a person doesn't have 100 percent confidence in being with you, realize it's for the best that you give up on that goal.

 

Unfortunately, now that you've crossed the line into crush territory, like "lost and hurt" spoke about, keeping this emotional fair and close friendship going will hurt your chances of getting a new girlfriend. I know I wouldn't date a guy who was close friends with a female he wanted a romance with.

 

I'd tell her that because of your feelings, you'll need to go back to being just co-workers who have a more casual, business friendship, just like you do with your other co-workers. Male/female friendships like this usually have a short shelf life because the dynamics are different, and a new romantic partner won't be comfortable with the emotional affair going on either behind their backs or being flaunted in their face. If you continue pouring emotional energy into a dead end, you'll find that many opportunities will have passed you by in the meantime.

[smackie9]

When someone gives you a mountain of reasons why it won't work.....it's not going to work. IMO not worth investing in, and you will get past these feelings once you start dating other women. Some people get attraction mixed up with coworker bonding and I think this is the case.

[ninjabib]

You've just been very gently friendzoned IMO for whatever reason. Time to cut back on the time and energy you spend on someone who doesn't want the same tihgngs as you.

 

Get yourself onto dating sites/apps etc for when lockdown lifts.

[Cherylyn]

Respect her wishes and remain friends. If not, then remain professional, well mannered, polite, kind yet distant.

[Billie28]

She is attracted to you on a personality level , sure she likes guys too , but if only you were female her attraction would be physical.

 

What length would you go to be with her?

You can change gender!

It’s bizarre to say that but it’s possible current day.

 

Ask her?

[catfeeder]

I'd avoid creating some Romeo and Juliet fantasy about anyone who raises a barrier to being together.

 

There are no real barriers if someone WANTS to be with you.

[Diagonal]

Thanks for the advice everyone. I think you're right - it's just hard to get my head round. Thanks again.