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How to Get Closure After Being the Rebound


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Hey you guys. I know I said at one point I was not going to post on this site anymore, but I have had some time to self reflect on myself and I've learned a few things along the way. I just honestly need someone or some advice right now. I am at a painful low point in my life right now and I could really use some help.

 

I'll try to sum this up as quickly as possible. My former boyfriend broke up with me this past Thursday. It was not a nice one, it ended horribly. I had to move all of my things out of his house, and (temporarily) work from home at my moms house (I have my own place with roommates, but there is a lot of traffic and there would be too many distractions to go there). I haven't text my ex at all since the bad breakup, and that gave me time to look at our relationship its entirety. I came to the realization that I was a rebound, and that our entire relationship was just to feel the void from a failed relationship with someone he truly loved. Here's why I came to that conclusion:

 

1. Before I met my boyfriend, I was extremely alone and sad. I stayed in my apartment without going out on the weekends. I didn't really have any connections at work because I stayed to myself. But then out of nowhere, he came into my life, showed interest in me and really put in the effort to know me. Starting my relationship was the most I felt alive in a long while. We maybe went on 2 dates before he invited me to his home and things immediately became sexual. He claimed at the time right then he was my boyfriend, but he didn't spend the time to get to really know me.

He was with his ex for 3 years and he wanted to marry her, but that didn't work so 3 months later, I came into the picture. I know it takes longer than others to heal, but 3 months wouldn't be enough time for me.

 

2. He texted his ex throughout the entirety of our relationship. A few months in, I asked if he still talked to her and he confirmed. Then almost 10 months later I asked the same thing but I also wanted to know if she knew about me. He confirmed to texting his ex, but she didn't know about us dating. He told me that he texts her about twice a month... which really made me upset. I wanted to compromise and allow him to be friends with his ex, even though it hurt, but he HAD to tell her about me, which he did not want to do and I had to NAG and make it an issue before he did text her. He told her that he had a "confession" that he was seeing someone new and he didn't want to hurt her feelings. And he told her that he still enjoy talking to her and he still owes her lunch.

That text message to her hurt me.

 

3. He was emotionally distant. We've been dating for a year and he never told me that he loved me. We moved fast but his feelings did not. I asked him why that was and he told me that he just didn't feel that strongly about me. It felt like several daggers went through my heart...

Contrary to eNotAlone belief, I went to get help and I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. I was completely honest with him when that happened. He was open to the conversation, but he didn't really believe in therapy and he didn't believe I was "damaged" like as I thought I was.. but interestingly enough he wanted me to get on medication, and I wasn't ready for that yet. He got irritated when I was anxious about our relationship and needed some kind of comfort, support or validation. That was something I was struggling with, but he didn't take it seriously.

 

I told him early on in this relationship, I like him but I didn't think I was ready. I felt that way because deep down I knew I wasn't strong enough got a relationship mentally. I was at a low point when we met. He convinced me to be in a relationship with him... and it didn't take much convincing because I wanted him. I like him so much... and after time passed I began to love him.. but my feelings were never returned.

I kept trying to find out how I can please him or make him happy with me. I asked him what his expectations were for me, and he told me to do the basics well. Just cook, clean and have sex with him. Which also made me feel horrible because those were extremely low expectations. I was just there to be a maid and to be a toy he could use whenever he needed.

 

4. During our breakup, I asked him questions about his ex. I asked what made her so special. What did she do right? He spoke highly of her. Told me that she was a great conversationalist. And out of everyone he has ever been with she was the most competent. She able to apply logic on a daily bases instead of reacting out of emotion. She was just too afraid to take a risk with him. After the breakup he told me that he no longer wants to keep in contact, but he messaged her the entirety of our relationship. I just felt like he got with me because I was "pretty" and that's it.

 

And during this time apart, I finally looked her up. She's older than me by a few years but her resume is extremely impressive. More impressive than mine. I found her Instagram and based off of her photos they had SO MUCH in common. Her favorite exotic fruit, my ex made me try it. She had a passion for birds, shortly after he bought his pet bird to make her happy. He would quote lines from the Shakespearean plays they would watch together and ask me if I knew where that came from. I saw pictures of her with him and he had a REAL smile on his face, he looked genuinely happy.

 

I just clicked last night, that I was there as a year long rebound and there was nothing I could have done to make him love me. As much as I wanted him to, his feelings were somewhere else. I had my suspicions and asked him if he still had feelings for her or if he missed her during our relationship, all of this was denied. He picked the wrong girl to rebound with. I was already hurt and felt unlovable. Do you know how worthless I feel? I was a downgrade that he settled for. I feel worthless. I begged him to come back to me more than once. We had so many complications because I was so anxious, and he was so cold.

 

At first I wanted to attempt to get him back and I figured in 30 to 45 days I would text him and try because I still love him. After all, this was the first man that I actually wanted to marry and move in with. This was the first man in my adult life (I'm almost 28) that I felt so strongly about. But now, after this realization, I just want him to know that I know and I want him to know he was wrong. I am using this time to get better and focus on myself. I might have to get on anxiety meds. I don't want to but I will at least try. SO it's not all about getting him back..

 

My heart is conflicted. I am mad at him. But at the same time I don't want him to disappear from my life completely. I am just at a loss.

How should I eventually contact him? I know he will not reach out to me.

 

Also, we all return back to the office in September and eventually I am going to have to see him at work again. I'm not sure if I will be okay with that.

 

Thanks

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I am sorry this happened.

 

I do not recommend you contact him, eventually or otherwise. It would be pointless because it's doubtful anything would have changed. He still will feel however he feels about his ex, he won't have become anymore emotionally available, plus being with him made you feel insecure and unworthy. Not good ways to feel.

 

I think doing things to help yourself first and foremost is the best plan. You can't get yourself to a better place when you're trying to force something to work with the wrong man.

 

Best wishes.

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Even if he reaches out, you have to delete him from your life.

 

Actually he picked the "right" girl to rebound with. Maybe you didn't realize that but I am pretty sure he knew what he was doing.

 

However, you have to own your actions, learn and move on. Opinions/judgment from us here or from people you know in real life do not matter. What matters is what you believe. You lived the experience, you have the facts now, you know the answer. Do you have the discipline to stay away from him?

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It is the best thing for you for this relationship to have been over based on other threads.

 

I would not have the total mindset that he did something bad since he started dating you 3 months after he and his ex broke it off, but also take responsibility for what you accepted due to your anxiety. It was your choice to go to his home so early on, to have sex early on, to stay with him even though you knew - and he didn't hide - that he was communicating with his ex. You knew deep down, but for some reason, you had to "prove" yourself worthy by cleaning his house etc. You kept saying you were unworthy and he was so amazing like he was a prize you had to win.

 

I think you should not date for awhile and you should do what you can to bolster your self esteem. He may have been attracted because you were pretty - but the rest of it was up to you - whether you accepted all this or not and you did for a year. Get strong so if a relationship does not make you feel at ease - you end it

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I am sorry this happened.

 

I do not recommend you contact him, eventually or otherwise. It would be pointless because it's doubtful anything would have changed. He still will feel however he feels about his ex, he won't have become anymore emotionally available, plus being with him made you feel insecure and unworthy. Not good ways to feel.

 

I think doing things to help yourself first and foremost is the best plan. You can't get yourself to a better place when you're trying to force something to work with the wrong man.

 

Best wishes.

 

I hate the feeling of not talking to him ever again. I would like to have at least one more text to let him know how I am improving and how incredibly hurtful it is to be someone's rebound. I want him to know that I know what he was doing. I actually loved him.

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I honestly will not date for a while. I'm not someone who is an avid dater. My real relationships are few and far in between.. but I wish I knew how to get over this pain. I feel horrible. I have a hole in my chest, and really this whole time he was waiting to be left alone. I don't know how to handle seeing him when we all return back to work. I am hurt. I stopped seeing my therapist because I did not connect with her at all. But I made an appointment to see someone new. Hopefully I will be getting a call this week.

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I hate the feeling of not talking to him ever again. I would like to have at least one more text to let him know how I am improving and how incredibly hurtful it is to be someone's rebound. I want him to know that I know what he was doing. I actually loved him.

 

I don't think texting him one more time will do you any good. He either won't respond or he won't respond in the way you are hoping (and yes, you do have an image in your mind of how you would like him to respond...everyone does).

 

I recommend you keep the focus on yourself instead of on him. There are a lot of things you can do to help yourself. But none of them include trying to continue contact with someone who won't add anything positive to your life.

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Change the way you think. In your mind and say it aloud: "Good riddance!" Hang tough and become a strong woman. Know your worth. Know that you deserve to be treated with utmost genuine, sincere, consistent respect and consideration. Anything less is simply intolerable and downright unacceptable. This is how you transform yourself from an insecure person to a sure footed, steadfast, unwavering, secure person.

 

Never place importance in people (men / women) who don't treat you right and as if you matter. In your mind, remain absolute with your convictions. Transform your weakness into your newfound strength. If you are faith based, try praying a lot for strength and wisdom and you will receive it.

 

I agree with others. Sever all contact immediately and permanently. Stop looking back and stop living in the past. Start anew today and start fresh. Look forward, not backwards.

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How should I eventually contact him? I know he will not reach out to me.

You DON'T. It might not make much sense to you now, but your best closure is NOT contacting him. If you contact him all you do is open all the wounds and hurt all over again. Why? What for? All it does is take you back to square one. It's just not worth it.

 

Also, we all return back to the office in September and eventually I am going to have to see him at work again.

You treat him as you do any other colleague. Be polite/courteous - discuss work related issues only.

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Sorry about this, truly. Side note: happy to see you back here.

 

My personal thoughts? I would scratch the word “rebound” from this entire story. Main reason? I fear, in this case, it’s a way to make “sense” out of it all in a way that makes you a victim, emotionally steamrolled by another person and the circumstances of another person’s life. Per some larger themes here, it minimizes you and maximizes him.

 

Different take? You dated for over a year, and it just didn’t work. Crushing. Frustrating. Lots of things. From your past threads, sour as I know they were at times, the fragility of this connection was pretty evident to those of us in the bleacher seats. And from what you’ve written above? It seems you understood that, for whatever baggage he brought to the table, you brought plenty of fragility as well. Fragile building materials do not, generally, make for sturdy foundations.

 

So, how to move forward? Take note of those fragile places and make it a personal mission to strengthen them, rather than look at romance as a reinforcement rod or load bearing beam. As you do that, this whole chapter becomes a lesson, not a mistake or a “rebound” scenario.

 

No reason to contact him, at least for a good bit. He’s just a dude. Making him a mirror to your self-improvement, needing him to “see” that and validate it? Well, that kind of negates the improvement, casts a him-sized shadow over the shimmering thing that is you. Find that shimmer yourself, so it can shine alongside someone rather than be polished by another, if that makes sense.

 

My few cents, to spend how you see fit. Sorry again. Hard times during hard times—know none of it is easy.

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CL, I too am happy to see you back!

 

Be glad that he was at least honest with you about all communication and love for his ex.

 

Don't contact him. This isn't to spite him. It's to give you a safe distance to heal and really focus on you. There is nothing else that this person needs to know about you. Focus on healing and not seeking validation from him. The real person you need to make amends with is yourself.

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My personal thoughts? I would scratch the word “rebound” from this entire story. Main reason? I fear, in this case, it’s a way to make “sense” out of it all in a way that makes you a victim, emotionally steamrolled by another person and the circumstances of another person’s life. Per some larger themes here, it minimizes you and maximizes him.

 

D

 

I agree with this. So many people come here and ask "Do you think my ex had a personality disorder" or "Was my ex an avoidant attachment style" to explain things when the more likely story is it was two mismatched people, he/she wasn't invested as the other party, etc.

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I can't help but to be jealous of his ex, and I am not usually jealous at all

 

As you feel your way through these feelings, explore this. Questions like: Why the commitment to something/someone that triggered so many discomforting feelings, like jealousy? Was it a “challenge?” And so on...

 

Find answers to questions like that—and we’re here to listen—and you’ll find power, information that resets the gauges a bit, so in the future such feelings are processed differently—namely as static rather than sparks. Big picture, I think you’ll find much more peace and strength in taking this sort of route, rather than one where peace comes from knowing what he was “doing” the whole time.

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I hate the feeling of not talking to him ever again. I would like to have at least one more text to let him know how I am improving and how incredibly hurtful it is to be someone's rebound. I want him to know that I know what he was doing. I actually loved him.

 

If you text him then he won’t see you as having improved at all. The best way to show that is by showing him you don’t need to have any form of contact with him. I know you have things that you would like to say to him but he won’t want to hear them and he won’t thank you for telling him. It will have the opposite effect to the one you are hoping.

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As you feel your way through these feelings, explore this. Questions like: Why the commitment to something/someone that triggered so many discomforting feelings, like jealousy? Was it a “challenge?” And so on...

 

Find answers to questions like that—and we’re here to listen—and you’ll find power, information that resets the gauges a bit, so in the future such feelings are processed differently—namely as static rather than sparks. Big picture, I think you’ll find much more peace and strength in taking this sort of route, rather than one where peace comes from knowing what he was “doing” the whole time.

 

I was jealous of her even though I didn't personally know her. She was with him for 3 years and my boyfriend wanted to marry her. I wanted more time and a lengthier relationship with my boyfriend. I wanted to marry him. She did something right in his eyes and I didn't. He loved her but he didn't love me.

And I felt incompetent. I felt like I couldn't live up to what he once had. And now after doing research about her, she seems to have her professional ducks in a row. That's simply not the case for me. She was interested in everything he enjoys. And I was concerned about not having enough in common with him. Apparently she acted way more mature than me. It was a negative whisper in the back of my head that I was not able to compare. He texted her all the time. And he was nice to her and picked his words carefully when addressing her but he was cold to me.

It's frustrating.

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I found something peculiar I didn't mention earlier in your first post. His ex didn't want to take a risk marrying him? What risk do you think this involves?

 

I ask because it sounds like she saw warning signs and red flags. I think the relationship you had with him is between the both of you (unique, beautiful, wonderful while it lasted and pertaining only to the dynamic that you both shared) but hindsight can be 20/20 and people generally don't make radical changes in their personalities. There are similar patterns over time.

 

I know it's painful to be compared or feel like you're being compared to someone else. I hope you realize this doesn't mean you are completely defective, unlovable or like there's something so wrong with you that you won't be able to find love again (genuine, kind and honest love).

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I found something peculiar I didn't mention earlier in your first post. His ex didn't want to take a risk marrying him? What risk do you think this involves?

 

I ask because it sounds like she saw warning signs and red flags. I think the relationship you had with him is between the both of you (unique, beautiful, wonderful while it lasted and pertaining only to the dynamic that you both shared) but hindsight can be 20/20 and people generally don't make radical changes in their personalities. There are similar patterns over time.

 

I know it's painful to be compared or feel like you're being compared to someone else. I hope you realize this doesn't mean you are completely defective, unlovable or like there's something so wrong with you that you won't be able to find love again (genuine, kind and honest love).

 

I asked him why things didn't work out. He told me that's he's an a hole, and she did not want to take a risk with him.

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I would like to have at least one more text to let him know how I am improving and how incredibly hurtful it is to be someone's rebound. I want him to know that I know what he was doing.

 

Taking up with a rebounder is ill advised not because of some artificial moral taboo, but rather, it's just not likely to work out.

 

Casting ourselves as a victim of a rebounder is not against the law, it just offers no payoff and makes no sense. Rebounding isn't something that anyone can do TO us. We each own the responsibility to learn how long a potential date has been single since their last breakup, and that's just math.

 

Accusing a rebounder of rebounding as though you just found out a year later that he was newly broken from his ex when you met him won't buy you anything.

 

This relationship was not on a healthy trajectory from the start. Is this really a new realization for you?

 

Hang in there. Over time you'll gain more and more recognition that you are far better off without this guy.

 

Head high.

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I was jealous of her even though I didn't personally know her. She was with him for 3 years and my boyfriend wanted to marry her. I wanted more time and a lengthier relationship with my boyfriend. I wanted to marry him. She did something right in his eyes and I didn't. He loved her but he didn't love me.

And I felt incompetent. I felt like I couldn't live up to what he once had. And now after doing research about her, she seems to have her professional ducks in a row. That's simply not the case for me. She was interested in everything he enjoys. And I was concerned about not having enough in common with him. Apparently she acted way more mature than me. It was a negative whisper in the back of my head that I was not able to compare. He texted her all the time. And he was nice to her and picked his words carefully when addressing her but he was cold to me.

It's frustrating.

 

Don’t compare yourself to his ex. You are as much an amazing person as she is ... and you don’t really have any idea what her life is really like. I doubt it is as perfect as you think. No-one’s is. You only have what your ex says and his word is not to be trusted.

 

Your ex was not (and is still not) emotionally available. He is still invested in his past relationship. This is not about you. This is about him.

 

Your ex doesn’t sound like a particularly nice person and given what you said here .......

 

I asked him why things didn't work out. He told me that's he's an a hole, and she did not want to take a risk with him.

 

.... it doesn’t sound as though he was very nice to her either. She had the good sense to walk away from him, so should you.

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I think you're looking at this a bit wrong....In my experience love can't actually be forced. There is really nothing someone can do or "improve" themselves to make someone fall in love with you. It either happens or it doesn't. You can be a good, nice person who has purpose in life (e.g. job) and be yourself. But if someone just isn't in love with you, it's not your or their fault. The other thing too is if the person truly falls for you, they wouldn't keep fixating on their ex.

 

With one of my ex's, when I met them, I was still getting over someone. But I really fell for them so the previous person didn't matter. Seems like your ex just didn't think you're " the one". I'm sure you did nothing wrong but sometimes that special feeling is just not there. It does really hurt. But the good thing is there are a lot of people out there. And it's definitely possible to love someone else and still get married and so on. When you're hurting it feels like you'll never love anyone else again. But that's not true.

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