"We weren't official"

[Quaver]

I really need some help.

 

Where do I begin...

 

I am in a relationship with someone who I think is the one for me. I have honestly never met anyone more suited for me in my life. We met on Tinder by chance, I had just gone through one of the traumatic experiences in my life and in he comes like a knight in shining armour. I swore off men for life, even pictured myself with a hundred cats!

 

Anyway 2 and a half years go by and I am still dealing with my traumatic time, it kept coming up and he was there for me. I was at the lowest I had ever been, had to get some help from the doctors to ease it. He has always been a private person, which naturally made me curious. He accidentally left his Facebook logged on my phone, BIG MISTAKE! I only looked at the time we were together, that's all I cared about. Anyway I find out that 2 months into us dating (by this point I had met his mum and he was set to meet my sister), he got someone round his house and slept with them.

 

I went round to his house every single weekend after we first met. 4 days after my birthday I went to my works Christmas party which means that he planned for that to happen. I even rang him whilst she was there begging him to come and join me. He obviously made excuses just saying to enjoy myself.

 

I have confronted him about this and he first response was "We weren't official", that was about 2 weeks before. I was very honest with him from the beginning, I said I don't want a one night stand, I want commitment or it's not for me. After what i'd been through I cut out the crap. He knew what happened to me and I just can't understand how my rock, my everything could be that person. He says it's because he was insecure and thought I was sleeping around with co-workers, with to me is a load of poo. He knew they were in relationships and I didn't want any of that.

 

I don't know how to move on from here, he has apologised and says he regrets it. How do I move on from this? It's ruined the fairy-tale of our relationship and I look at him differently.

 

I know this is me just rambling but I would really appreciate any advice.

 

- R

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. How is your relationship overall? Good you are taking care of yourself and your health. It seems he is not who you thought he was and he used a technicality to explain this. Stop and reflect on things. Either you can get past it...or you can't.

Anyway 2 and a half years go by and I am still dealing with my traumatic time, it kept coming up and he was there for me. I was at the lowest I had ever been, had to get some help from the doctors to ease it.

 

I find out that 2 months into us dating, he got someone round his house and slept with them.

I have confronted him about this and he first response was "We weren't official", that was about 2 weeks before. he has apologised and says he regrets it.

[Rose Mosse]

Don't make any decisions when you are in a state of shock. When did you find this information?

 

Give yourself a few days to think about it. You may have questions about who this person was and if this person is still in his life. Is she still a friend?

 

Collect yourself and slow down.

 

Your trauma is your trauma. This may sound a little cold and harsh but you'll have to get a grip on it and learn to manage your stress from the past. Are you seeing anyone? A therapist etc? It's not your partner's responsibility to make you feel better about yourself if you've been hurt before. Don't bring that into the relationship. It won't be a fairytale for long.

 

I hope you gain some peace in the coming days.

 

I'd encourage both of you to communicate and talk this out without accusations or without it getting heated. Cry and be upset if you need to but don't rant and rave or threaten break ups until you are really sure that you want nothing more to do with this.

[Quaver]

Thank you, it's a really good relationship. I know it's difficult to balance the two. I want to be better for myself but I just don't need this to add to all of it. I am trying to give myself some time to come to terms with it. He has said that if I have any questions he'll answer if it eases my conscious.

 

Thanks again for responding

[SherrySher]

If and when you ever decide to date again, you need to understand that there is no "knight in shining armour".You placed this man on a pedestal instead of being cautious and waiting to see if he was the real thing, or not. That can take several months.

Next time, go slow and make sure you know who you're dating.

 

Secondly, I personally would dump this guy. He slept with someone else while he was romancing you. There is no excuse in the world that makes that okay. He is not loyal and can veer off with another woman at anytime like that. It shows how deep his feelings run (or do not run). It doesn't matter if you were official or not, he knew better. And if he was so enamoured with you, he wouldn't be getting into bed with someone else.

That alone is reason enough to walk away.

 

But then he carries on and tries to put the blame on you for his bad behavior. And further more, tries to make you feel guilty by going on about being insecure.

The truth is, he goes in the direction his nether bits tell him to and has low self control.

You don't want a man like that. Trust me, it will get worse, not better.

[Quaver]

Rose Mosse -

 

Thanks for your response.

 

I found out yesterday the full extent, I first learnt everything like a week ago.

 

I know the girl has tried to get in contact with him a couple of times since they slept together but he just didn't respond.

 

I understand that, it's just difficult to get a grip on it, I was seeing a counsellor through work a month back. I know, it doesn't help my situation, especially with my trust issues.

 

Thanks very much, we've been in open communication and he's being honest about everything. Just wish it didn't happen tbh

[Quaver]

Sorry to hear this. How is your relationship overall? Good you are taking care of yourself and your health. It seems he is not who you thought he was and he used a technicality to explain this. Stop and reflect on things. Either you can get past it...or you can't.

 

Thank you, it's a really good relationship. I know it's difficult to balance the two. I want to be better for myself but I just don't need this to add to all of it. I am trying to give myself some time to come to terms with it. He has said that if I have any questions he'll answer if it eases my conscious.

 

Thanks again for responding

[SherrySher]

Quaver, in my opinion, these are red flags. Don't dismiss them.

 

If a guy really likes you and is crushing on you, he doesn't have sex with someone else. Not only does it say something about what kind of man he is, but it's insulting to think that you thought he was really into you and is sliding into bed with someone else right around the same time.

 

This man sounds like he should have been kept as a friend but not a boyfriend. He couldn't have been feeling what you were if he could go and do what he did.

Don't lower your expectations just because you're lonely or not sure. I doubt any woman would want their love story to start off with their man in bed with another woman at the start. *cringe*.

[Rose Mosse]

I am very sorry. This sounds excruciating and painful.

 

I read and reread your original first post and for the life of me I can't see where he's being disrespectful to you after the fact (in the present time). I would be hurt too if I found out I was so gung ho about someone and then later on found out he didn't quite feel the same at the same time I did way back when.

 

The honest truth is that people develop feelings over time and for others it may take longer. He said that he thought you were out with other colleagues. It appears both of you seemed to misunderstand each other at the start.

 

I can't tell you whether breaking up is right or wrong but from the little that you have shared here (which I know can seem like a lot because it is so painful), it doesn't sound to me like this warrants a break up. It could be the last straw but this alone? Doesn't sit right with me. I'd be cautious about swinging so far and ending a relationship based on one indiscretion from way back then when things were still new. Will it hurt and sting for awhile, sure. I would have to think about what this person is to me now versus what that thing meant back then.

 

Do you have any other issues in the relationship? Do you communicate well otherwise and work well together?

[JenCrowley]

I'm curious as to why you had such a strong urge to delve so deeply into his personal Facebook account? (I mean, it's been 2.5 years, so you scrolled through 2.5 years worth of posts, messages and such?) Generally speaking, people do this due to lack of trust in their partner, either because their partner has already given them good reason not to trust them, or, because the person has deep-rooted trust issues.

 

If your boyfriend has already given you good reason not to trust him (i.e. he lies to you, keeps secrets from you, engages in shady behavior) then he simply isn't the "knight in shining white armor" you so desperately want him to be. If he is untrustworthy, he is not relationship material. One giant red flag that I see in your post is that your boyfriend is giving you different explanations as to why he decided to sleep with someone else. The first explanation was that the two of you were not yet exclusive. The second explanation was that he felt insecure and believed you were sleeping around. A person who tells the truth will always be consistent, their story won't change. My guess is that your boyfriend is telling you whatever it is he believes will get him off the hook. He probably sensed that you weren't buying the "we weren't exclusive" explanation, so then he tried the "I was insecure" explanation, which you clearly aren't buying either.

 

My advice? Honestly, this relationship does not seem healthy at all, you clearly do not trust your boyfriend and your boyfriend can't seem to communicate with you honestly and openly. I would advise to cut your losses, continue to seek medical treatment, and get yourself to a place where you are both emotionally and physically healthy. It's unwise to enter into a relationship when you are at a low point in your life, when a person is at a low point their judgment is always clouded and it's very easy to pick someone who isn't a good match.

[Quaver]

I am very sorry. This sounds excruciating and painful.

 

I read and reread your original first post and for the life of me I can't see where he's being disrespectful to you after the fact (in the present time). I would be hurt too if I found out I was so gung ho about someone and then later on found out he didn't quite feel the same at the same time I did way back when.

 

The honest truth is that people develop feelings over time and for others it may take longer. He said that he thought you were out with other colleagues. It appears both of you seemed to misunderstand each other at the start.

 

I can't tell you whether breaking up is right or wrong but from the little that you have shared here (which I know can seem like a lot because it is so painful), it doesn't sound to me like this warrants a break up. It could be the last straw but this alone? Doesn't sit right with me. I'd be cautious about swinging so far and ending a relationship based on one indiscretion from way back then when things were still new. Will it hurt and sting for awhile, sure. I would have to think about what this person is to me now versus what that thing meant back then.

 

Do you have any other issues in the relationship? Do you communicate well otherwise and work well together?

 

Thank you.

 

It's difficult to think about him with anyone else other than me and it's just that I had to find out bits of information which just makes me hurt all over again.

 

I understand that and the last thing I would want to do is break up with him, we've been through so much. We are currently saving for a house together.

 

It's just about how I process this and learn to forgive which I don't find easy anyway.

 

He suffers with mental health issues as well so I help him with that, we are both in the same boat like that. We work really well together, a lot of laughter and love. That's why this has been so much of a shock.

[SherrySher]

How do you know he's not cheated again since then?

[Quaver]

I'm curious as to why you had such a strong urge to delve so deeply into his personal Facebook account? (I mean, it's been 2.5 years, so you scrolled through 2.5 years worth of posts, messages and such?) Generally speaking, people do this due to lack of trust in their partner, either because their partner has already given them good reason not to trust them, or, because the person has deep-rooted trust issues.

 

If your boyfriend has already given you good reason not to trust him (i.e. he lies to you, keeps secrets from you, engages in shady behavior) then he simply isn't the "knight in shining white armor" you so desperately want him to be. If he is untrustworthy, he is not relationship material. One giant red flag that I see in your post is that your boyfriend is giving you different explanations as to why he decided to sleep with someone else. The first explanation was that the two of you were not yet exclusive. The second explanation was that he felt insecure and believed you were sleeping around. A person who tells the truth will always be consistent, their story won't change. My guess is that your boyfriend is telling you whatever it is he believes will get him off the hook. He probably sensed that you weren't buying the "we weren't exclusive" explanation, so then he tried the "I was insecure" explanation, which you clearly aren't buying either.

 

My advice? Honestly, this relationship does not seem healthy at all, you clearly do not trust your boyfriend and your boyfriend can't seem to communicate with you honestly and openly. I would advise to cut your losses, continue to seek medical treatment, and get yourself to a place where you are both emotionally and physically healthy. It's unwise to enter into a relationship when you are at a low point in your life, when a person is at a low point their judgment is always clouded and it's very easy to pick someone who isn't a good match.

 

Thank you.

 

You're right, I have do have trust issues. In the beginning he was always a mystery, he was very private but things were going so well I never questioned it. The first opportunity I got I looked through just to ease my conscious (it wasn't much to scroll through, he doesn't use FB anymore).

 

That's what got my back up with it, the excuses. They made no difference to the way I felt about it.

 

I understand where you're coming from and appreciate the advice

[Quaver]

How do you know he's not cheated again since then?

 

I don't know 100% but, I didn't see anything that has told me otherwise. I can only go off my instinct unfortunately.

[DancingFool]

Three different thoughts.

 

One is that whatever trauma and baggage you are dealing with - you cannot make that any other person's burden. It's on you to resolve and it's between you and a good therapist. You cannot use your partner, your relationship as a balm to fix your past hurt.

 

Second is that when you first start dating, expecting an instant relationship, commitment, fidelity, etc will lead to a great deal of pain and disappointment. It's not a reasonable expectation. Getting into a relationship is more like a slow marathon than a sprint and it's certainly not instant. People start out at a different pace and move forward at a different pace from each other. A relationship forms only once you both catch up and start matching your pace.

 

Third....is the hard part. What he said, the way he defended this and turned it around on you is really bad. Had he just said something along the lines of still being early dating, being unsure where you two stand or keeping his options open, then I'd say let this go and focus on the relationship you have today. However....he pretty much accused you of being a cheater. What he said is, "I thought you are cheating so I did it too." That's gaslighting and blame shifting all in one....and for that reason....I think you should dump him. Your knight in shining armor has big fat clay feet.

 

Bottom line is deal with your baggage before getting into relationships because if you don't, you'll just keep attracting the same bad elements in different forms.

[SherrySher]

I don't want to see you and he end up miserable people, okay? Bad endings are never a nice thing. But I am experienced enough to know that red flags are not things that should be ignored.

 

It's always great to be sympathetic and try to understand. Even to look inward and to better yourself if you feel that you may need improvements.

 

But this is about him and what kind of man he is. If it were as simple as saything, "he just didn't feel as you did and needed time to warm up, etc"...then life would be easy.

But it is a more complicated scenario than that.

He was bringing you over to meet his family so that obviously means he was trying to make you feel as though things were quite serious. But he had slept with someone else very recent to those events.

It does say something about him and about his morals.

 

A lot of the time, ignoring red flags can be exactly what comes back up in the future. I again am not saying 100% that it will. however you do need to be cautious.

He demonstrated lack of control, lack of loyalty and not respecting you or the romance you two had started.

I agree with you, it's not 'nothing' and it is an upsetting thing to find out.

[SherrySher]

Third....is the hard part. What he said, the way he defended this and turned it around on you is really bad. Had he just said something along the lines of still being early dating, being unsure where you two stand or keeping his options open, then I'd say let this go and focus on the relationship you have today. However....he pretty much accused you of being a cheater. What he said is, "I thought you are cheating so I did it too." That's gaslighting and blame shifting all in one....and for that reason....I think you should dump him. Your knight in shining armor has big fat clay feet.

 

Yes! Very well said.

Had he said something to you like " I wasn't sure how I felt in the beginning and made a mistake...or even if he had said "I slept with her due to not being sure what I wanted at the time." Then that would have been heaps better. It is demonstrating accountability, showing responsibility and being honest.

But how he did it, was sneaky, and turning the tables on you, so that you were to blame for him getting into bed with someone else.

Those are not good qualities and they are not things that should be ignored.

[Quaver]

I don't want to see you and he end up miserable people, okay? Bad endings are never a nice thing. But I am experienced enough to know that red flags are not things that should be ignored.

 

It's always great to be sympathetic and try to understand. Even to look inward and to better yourself if you feel that you may need improvements.

 

But this is about him and what kind of man he is. If it were as simple as saything, "he just didn't feel as you did and needed time to warm up, etc"...then life would be easy.

But it is a more complicated scenario than that.

He was bringing you over to meet his family so that obviously means he was trying to make you feel as though things were quite serious. But he had slept with someone else very recent to those events.

It does say something about him and about his morals.

 

A lot of the time, ignoring red flags can be exactly what comes back up in the future. I again am not saying 100% that it will. however you do need to be cautious.

He demonstrated lack of control, lack of loyalty and not respecting you or the romance you two had started.

I agree with you, it's not 'nothing' and it is an upsetting thing to find out.

 

Thank you SherrySher.

 

I completely agree, the red flags are important. I was trying to shield myself and I know if I was to end things it would be horrible for me at the minute. I am being selfish and trying to figure out what I want from this relationship but I have definitely lost respect for him with it all. Just the lies, I hate liar's whether that be hiding the truth.

 

I just wish he would of said before we were "official", right just before we do this here some things you need to know. It wouldn't of been as hurtful or hard to take.

 

I completely agree and thanks again.

[Quaver]

Yes! Very well said.

Had he said something to you like " I wasn't sure how I felt in the beginning and made a mistake...or even if he had said "I slept with her due to not being sure what I wanted at the time." Then that would have been heaps better. It is demonstrating accountability, showing responsibility and being honest.

But how he did it, was sneaky, and turning the tables on you, so that you were to blame for him getting into bed with someone else.

Those are not good qualities and they are not things that should be ignored.

 

I agree and trust me I made that very apparent. I said to him, I'm not the one who got into bed with someone... you did!

 

He has stopped using these excuses now and understands that he made a mistake. Still doesn't make it okay but I need to focus on what I want and need for myself.

 

I've got to be selfish for once.

 

Really appreciate your replies btw

[SherrySher]

At the end of the day, Quaver, it truly is up to you what you decide to do. No judgement at all if you do decide to stay with him.

 

I'll be the first the hold my hand up to say that people can change. If he has shown to be a good partner, and has been good to you, then it is worth talking it all through and working it out.

YOU are the one who knows him and has lived with him. So only you can decide if he's worth the risk and if you feel that he will be a good man to you.

 

People do make mistakes.

I just want you to be safe as well. No one wants to be hurt or fooled. Getting help with your issues is a very important thing.

If you do decide to stay together, you should not only consider having a talk with him but depending on how serious you both are, you may consider counselling together too.

If he loves you and is truly wanting this to work, he will not only understand but do what he can to make things right.

 

No, it's not his fault that you have trust issues, but you've acknowledged that and are working on it. But being as he has now placed doubt in your mind due to his actions, he should do what he can to work things out with you and be understanding.

[Quaver]

At the end of the day, Quaver, it truly is up to you what you decide to do. No judgement at all if you do decide to stay with him.

 

I'll be the first the hold my hand up to say that people can change. If he has shown to be a good partner, and has been good to you, then it is worth talking it all through and working it out.

YOU are the one who knows him and has lived with him. So only you can decide if he's worth the risk and if you feel that he will be a good man to you.

 

People do make mistakes.

I just want you to be safe as well. No one wants to be hurt or fooled. Getting help with your issues is a very important thing.

If you do decide to stay together, you should not only consider having a talk with him but depending on how serious you both are, you may consider counselling together too.

If he loves you and is truly wanting this to work, he will not only understand but do what he can to make things right.

 

No, it's not his fault that you have trust issues, but you've acknowledged that and are working on it. But being as he has now placed doubt in your mind due to his actions, he should do what he can to work things out with you and be understanding.

 

Thanks very much.

 

It's going to be tough but I am going to try an take it day by day. This has helped, it's made me think about what I need and not what he needs. I will forgive one day but I won't be forgetting. I think we need some work an I will hope for the best.

 

[j.man]

You're taking all the wrong lessons from the advice given. At the end of the day, Wiseman was most correct when he put it bluntly. You get over it or you don't. "Someday I'll forgive, but I won't forget" absolutely screams "hold it over his head, mark an extra tally on my side," etc. Speaking personally, I do find what he did kinda sleazy. I'm all for being a free man or woman until you both agree not to be. Still, it's outside my MO to introduce women to my mother only to bang someone else the next week. Then again, I wasn't introducing women to family until well beyond the point we were exclusive.

 

Be that as it may, you dig through 2.5 years of his facebook history? Confront him over something he wasn't in the wrong about whether or not any of us would find it distasteful? Put him in a position he needs to be forgiven after he in fact didn't do anything wrong while you'd just pretty ****in' egregiously invaded his privacy? That you'd even reference your sin in this situation with a joke of "BIG MISTAKE LOL" speaks volumes. Yes, it's bad that he vaguely tried to turn the tables on you. But he had sex with another woman while still getting to know you and you two not being exclusive. You, well into a committed relationship with him, extensively invaded his privacy. Honestly the biggest fault isn't that he came up with a crappy argument to defend himself. It's that he didn't tell you point blank to go kick rocks for what was the only legit breach of trust after you two had committed.

[Lambert]

You're taking all the wrong lessons from the advice given. At the end of the day, Wiseman was most correct when he put it bluntly. You get over it or you don't. "Someday I'll forgive, but I won't forget" absolutely screams "hold it over his head, mark an extra tally on my side," etc. Speaking personally, I do find what he did kinda sleazy. I'm all for being a free man or woman until you both agree not to be. Still, it's outside my MO to introduce women to my mother only to bang someone else the next week. Then again, I wasn't introducing women to family until well beyond the point we were exclusive.

 

Be that as it may, you dig through 2.5 years of his facebook history? Confront him over something he wasn't in the wrong about whether or not any of us would find it distasteful? Put him in a position he needs to be forgiven after he in fact didn't do anything wrong while you'd just pretty ****in' egregiously invaded his privacy? That you'd even reference your sin in this situation with a joke of "BIG MISTAKE LOL" speaks volumes. Yes, it's bad that he vaguely tried to turn the tables on you. But he had sex with another woman while still getting to know you and you two not being exclusive. You, well into a committed relationship with him, extensively invaded his privacy. Honestly the biggest fault isn't that he came up with a crappy argument to defend himself. It's that he didn't tell you point blank to go kick rocks for what was the only legit breach of trust after you two had committed.

 

 

OP

 

J.man is right here. You had no right looking through his Facebook. And then to be all cutesy about it. Like it wasn't wrong, is pretty self righteous. You're not a parent looking out for your child. You went looking for trouble and you found it.

 

Decide whether you forgive and forget or forget this guy. It is not right to hold something over someone's head.

[Tinydance]

What made you look through his Facebook? Were you feeling suspicious about anything? Are you doubting his feelings about you? I don't think he cheated per se if you weren't official. But to be honest after two months if someone you're dating deliberately plans to sleep with someone else while you're out, it sorts of sounds like he "wasn't that into you". I would think that after two months of seeing someone every weekend every week, the person would know if they really like someone. And if you really like someone, you don't generally feel like hooking up with other people because you don't need to. You can just be with the person you really like. Do you feel like maybe you are more head over heels for him than he is for you? I mean, it's been 2.5 years, so maybe now he could be on the same page....

[SherrySher]

I don't know. I mean, both of them made mistakes. Different timelines, but neither were okay. Weighing the two out though? Looking isn't a crime. I actually support people looking if they have the chance to. You can never be too careful now a days.

 

Policing someone, now that's a different story. OP admits to looking at his facebook. But it doesn't sound as though it was an ongoing thing.

 

As for the boyfriend, I agree with Tiny in that he more than likely wasn't as into her as she was him, (at least in the beginning). I do however fault hm for lying and for trying to turn the tables and blame her. That's total bs.

 

But again this was 2 years ago. Who knows how it's gone between them since. He might be a good partner to her, in which case, the mistake is from the past and should be left there. But not forgotten as it's always good to be cautious.

 

I don't rake people over the coals for looking though. People lie, hide things, put peoples health in danger etc.

 

My husband and I leave our devices all over the house. Both of us could look if we chose to. Neither of us have anything to hide. Half the time we pick up whatever device is lying there and use it. No one cares.

 

If you're that caught up on privacy and hiding things, then why bother being in a relationship? I think people get too high strung over that stuff.