Upset because of receiving no support from boyfriend. Do I have a right to be?

[kenztaylor45]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year now. We have been long distance our entire relationship, we live about an hour and a half away from one another. We both work full time and I am currently in college pursuing a Bachelor's degree. Typically the only time we get to see each other is on weekends. For the first 10 months of our relationship everything was great, we never fought, we spent wonderful time together. However, the last month or two we have been fighting almost every day and he seems to have changed.

 

I lost my grandma last Thursday and have had other significant problems going on with my family. My boyfriend offered no support. He didn't ask me if I was okay, he didn't ask how I was doing or if I needed anything and he never told me that he was there for me. I proceeded to drive to his house on Friday to spend the weekend with him because I felt that I needed him. Again, he never said anything to me, acknowledged her death in any way, he didn't even bother to give me a hug at any point during the weekend or offer any sincere words... In fact, the opposite happened. He yelled at me at several points over the weekend over things I didn't really feel mattered. He got upset that he had to make dinner, even though we BOTH prepared and cooked together, after I offered to have food delivered and pay for it all. He yelled at me because I left one plate out, even though I cleaned everything else up by myself. He then yelled at me because he felt that I didn't want to do anything with him other than be at the house (He had asked what I wanted to do and the only response I said was that I wasn't from this area, that I didn't know what was around or what was open, so I couldn't make a decision but would be up for whatever he wanted to do). Well that response wasn't good enough because I didn't make a decision. The last straw was when he went off on me for not satisfying him sexually when he was aroused. I didn't feel connected to him, especially after him yelling at me, and there had been multiple times up to this point that I had tried to spark something and be affection towards him with no reaction, he was too interested in the tv and too tired to engage with me, he just wanted to taken care of himself and not do anything for me. So why would I? I was totally confused because he has never raised his voice or yelled at me before and he has never treated me this poorly.

 

I confronted him about this past weekend, and he admitted to being wrong but never apologized or offered to make it right. In fact, he proceeded to tell me that he's leaving on vacation with his dad, which hurt me for two reasons. The first being I really need him right now with everything going on and he absolutely hasn't been there at all. He's spent the last 3 out of 4 weekends spending time with his dad. I am all for him hanging out and spending time with his dad but he has bailed on commitments to me , every time his dad wants to go do something. The second reason being that we had a vacation planned in October for his friends wedding, and two other vacations planned before that over the summer. The ones over the summer I have already prepaid for, he did not help out at all, even for the one that is my birthday trip and he wasn't even willing to take a vacation day for my birthday. I didn't make a big deal about this originally because he was supposed to pay for the October trip to make it fair. Now he's telling me he can't afford to pay for the October trip, he can only help out and pitch in a little bit, when this trip was for HIM in the first place. The last 3 out of 4 weekends he's gone on fishing trips with his dad and paid for everything because his dad doesn't have a job nor has he every tried to get one. This weekend he is going on another fishing/camping trip with his dad. So he can afford to do all this other stuff with his dad but he can't afford the trip to go to his friends wedding and I'm just expected to step up and pay for everything when I have already paid for two vacations for us?

 

It just honestly feels like he doesn't care about the relationship and I'm not a priority anymore. Am I totally in the wrong for feeling this way?

[boltnrun]

No, you're not "wrong". How you feel is how you feel.

 

What would be "wrong", however, is thinking he will "change". He won't "change" unless HE feels he needs to and unless he decides to all on his own. It won't matter if YOU think he should want to "change" because he may not agree. (PS: See my signature line)

 

BTW, hoping he'll go back to the guy he was before is futile. This is who he is NOW. He is fine with who he is now, so thinking the guy he was in the beginning is the "real" him is pointless. That thought process is what keeps people stuck in bad relationships.

 

So the question is, knowing how he is, how many more years of this do you want to put up with?

[DancingFool]

Sounds to me like your relationship actually ended at the 10 months mark and the last two months he has been increasingly nasty to you hoping you'll dump him because he is too much of a coward to end the relationship himself.

 

He is showing you that he doesn't care anymore - your grandma passed away and he wouldn't even acknowledge your loss. How callous can a person be? Btw, I'm sorry for your loss and big internet hugs to you.

 

On top of that he is yelling at you? You should have packed your things and left for good right there and then. He is escalating conflict intentionally and deliberately. Please just dump him and walk away. Don't cling to the "I need him" because he isn't there for you no matter what. In fact, he is going out of his way to hurt you. You don't deserve this and you aren't going to fix this or change this. This guy isn't who you thought. I'm sorry. Please lean on your friends, family, pretty much everyone else for support, but dump him.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Condolences on your grandmother. Unfortunately you need to end things. You are over-investing in someone who only cares about himself. Talk to trusted friends and family, teachers, doctors or therapists. This is a toxic situation. Never be a martyr in a relationship. Never condone (by sticking around, calling him etc) disrespect like this.

the last month or two we have been fighting almost every day and he seems to have changed. I lost my grandma last Thursday and have had other significant problems going on with my family.

 

He yelled at me because I left one plate out

He then yelled at me because he felt that I didn't want to do anything with him

he went off on me for not satisfying him sexually when he was aroused.

 

I have already paid for two vacations for us

 

It just honestly feels like he doesn't care about the relationship and I'm not a priority.

[MissCanuck]

I think he wants out of the relationship and doesn't have the cojones to pull the plug, so he's hoping you'll do it.

 

Whatever is behind it, I wouldn't tolerate it anymore. Get rid of him and find yourself a guy who is consistently respectful. If it went so pear-shaped after just 10 months, it's probably only going to get worse.

[Rose Mosse]

I'm sorry to hear about your grandma. Hope you are doing ok and have your family around you.

 

He's checked out of the relationship and it sounds very painful for you. No, you shouldn't have to pay for the whole trip in October. Is there any way to get your money refunded? I would be wary about entering into any other financial agreements or shared plans regarding your finances again. The relationship is too volatile and he can't be trusted to hold his end of the bargain.

 

I would try to recoup any money you can from any planned trips and distance yourself from this person. There are some of us who have lost and are grieving also. This is a good community. Post on the forums or express yourself around here if you feel you need some support and check in with your trusted friends and family members whom you are close to.

[Cherylyn]

I'm sorry for your loss, kenztaylor45.

 

I hope you can get a refund.

 

He's not the one for you because he lacks empathy, he's incredibly selfish, self-centered and lacks emotional intelligence (EQ). Google 'emotional intelligence.' Whenever anyone lacks emotional intelligence, ALL relationships are doomed for failure whether relationships, friendships, family relationships, etc.

 

Both of you are incompatible. He will not change for you. You're the one who has to dissolve the relationship in order for you to attain peace in your soul. Never be with a jerk.

[shellyf62]

I'm sorry to hear about your Grandmother.

 

I would have packed my bag & left after the first yelling session. No one should treat you like that.