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Ex wants me back


mayflower165

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So about a month and half ago my on/off ex of 4 months broke up with me because he said he was stressed out over the pandemic and needed to focus on his self, telling me I deserve better. Since then I’ve severed all contact. I’ve even began dating again. I’ve met some guys that I really liked along the way. For the first time in my life I’m dating more than one guy at a time. I’m finding that it helps me not to form an attachment to one guy too quickly. I really get to look at each guy objectively. I’m really focusing on the way I feel after each date and not worried so much about the moving the relationship too fast. Now that I feel like I’ve moved on from my past relationship my ex contacts me to tell me that he misses me and he’s sorry for his actions and he wishes things could’ve been different between us. Part of me wants to be friends with my ex at least. But then part of me believes that I shouldn’t even entertain him. I’m trying to get to know other guys to find a long term partner and to have my ex in the mix would hold me back. What do you all suggest I do?

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"my ex contacts me to tell me that he misses me and he’s sorry for his actions and he wishes things could’ve been different between us"

 

OK, but did he say "I want you back"?

 

And do you trust him to never do this again? That he won't run away the next time life gets difficult?

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It sounds like you've already given yourself the best advice. Here you are, having shed the most potent feelings from that chapter, exploring new connections in a new way, with the intention of finding a partner—a man who can meet you on your level, cherish it, all that. Wonderful path, right there. Reopening this, per your own words, throws some weeds onto that path.

 

So why do it? I get the short term gratification, but does it fit into the long term goals?

 

Also, as bolt said, it doesn't sound like he's even expressed any clear intentions. He's told you he's sorry, he misses you, and that he "wishes" he could have been different. I can imagine that feels good, but does it move the compass? Does it give you any sense that things would be different whenever things get overwhelming, as things do? Speaking for myself, while I can withstand a lot of discomfort and forgive many lapses in another, I can't be with someone whose go-to response to discomfort in a relationship is to end it. That's like trying to drive across the country on leaky fuel tank. You never know when you'll get stranded.

 

So what would I do in your shoes, which I've been in? I'd roll the adult dice, which is to say I'd let him now, with grace and respect, that you appreciate his message but that you're moving on. Wish him the best, and that's that. Will feel, for a second, like a door closing and a room getting darker, but when that second passes? You'll thank yourself, because right there you just got an inch closer to being the person you want to be, and finding the person you want to share yourself with.

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Listen to your sensible half - have nothing more to do with him and move on. You are completely correct that a decent guy who is worth dating isn't going to step into a messy situation where you still have an ex loitering around you. Also, this guy showed you who he is - when the going gets tough, he runs away. Not relationship material.

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***So what would I do in your shoes, which I've been in? I'd roll the adult dice, which is to say I'd let him now, with grace and respect, that you appreciate his message but that you're moving on. Wish him the best, and that's that. Will feel, for a second, like a door closing and a room getting darker, but when that second passes? You'll thank yourself, because right there you just got an inch closer to being the person you want to be, and finding the person you want to share yourself with. ***

 

This is awesome advice!

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My question would be: How would having him back in your life (even as a friend) improve your goals of meeting the right guy and forming a long lasting relationship?

 

I can only see negatives and zero positives.

 

I agree with the others it is time to close the door on that relationship. Your reply "Yes it is to bad we didn't work out but it is obvious we were not meant to be together" "I wish you the best as you search for the woman that is perfect for you"

 

Good luck with these new men in your life. Just don't string them along to long before you choose. Us guys have feelings, hopes and dreams too...

 

Lost

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its your time now, love yourself so much that no relationship becomes bigger than you, mutual respect, love, understanding , to be there when the going gets tough all matters.

Take control of your life, your goals and your future. Choose wisely :)

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he said he was stressed out over the pandemic and needed to focus on his self, telling me I deserve better.

 

Focus on the words that were used, and that might help you in making your decision. He's not clear at all in what his true reasons are. The pandemic has nothing to do with you, so why bring it up? Saying you deserve better is a "cop out" excuse that has been used during the ages, and explains nothing. All red flags. Dating other men, along with time away from him will put you in control of this situation, and not him.

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Thanks all,I told him that I’m going to continue moving on and he should as well. Looking back on our short lived relationship it wasn’t all that great to begin. I can only remember the way I felt when he broke up with me. He didn’t even make his intentions clear with me in the past 2 weeks that we were communicating. That in itself really made me start to really lose attraction to him. I believe I’m doing the right thing by moving on completely.

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Thanks all,I told him that I’m going to continue moving on and he should as well. Looking back on our short lived relationship it wasn’t all that great to begin. I can only remember the way I felt when he broke up with me. He didn’t even make his intentions clear with me in the past 2 weeks that we were communicating. That in itself really made me start to really lose attraction to him. I believe I’m doing the right thing by moving on completely.

 

Good job!

 

More time and more space to fill your life up with fulfilling experiences. Don't fall into the same trap dating the same type of guy again though.

 

It can be hard to break those patterns if you haven't given yourself enough time in between. No rush.

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Thank you! I feel like I’ve learned so much. The old me would stay with a guy like that for a year when I should have walked away at 4 months. I’m proud of myself for recognizing and that I shouldn’t be attracted to a guy who confuses me. This time around I know what I want and how I would like to be treated, and when to walk away.

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