Jump to content

Recommended Posts

Hello,

 

I am new here and I was hoping someone could give me some advise. I've been married for about 11 yrs now and have 3 kids. Throughout the course of our marriage my husband has moved out once (to his own apt) and has told me he wants to separate at least 5-6 other times. Every time he has done this I have told him to go and find his happiness (except for the first time , I pretty much begged him to work it out). The other times he has told me he wants to separate, just as he's getting ready to leave, he comes begging me to give him another chance. This is usually when we aren't in speaking terms for a few weeks while he's finding a place to move into. And ME being a dumb a*s (in LOVE) falls for it. I take him back! He tells me all the right things I want to hear. How he's going to change and show me more love blah, blah, blah and I start thinking about our kids and how much I love this man and want to make it work so eventually I give in.

 

Well just recently again my husband has told me he wants a divorce. He states he is not happy in this marriage because it isn't how he "imagined" it would be. That he loves me, but he isn't happy. I have asked, what will make you happy? He can't seem to answer it. BUT he does say this marriage isn't it.

 

I want to FINALLY just move on and let him go so I can find my own happiness and he can find his own. For those who have gone through a divorce/split.... Please tell me what helped you through it? What did you do? What did you tell yourself?

I hide myself when I'm crying because I don't want him to see me weak and I'm trying to be strong and tell myself constantly that I deserve better. But just like I'm sure you've all experienced, my heart is fighting my head.

I know in time, the hurt will heal. But I'm going through the hurt now because I know this time it has to be done. I know I can't continue this anymore. I am no expert on marriage but I know this isn't it.

Someone please tell me how you managed to get yourself and your kids through a split?

 

Just the thought of him eventually being with someone else kills me. Plus I tell myself who the heck would date me after 3 kids, and a divorce? (Not that I'm even thinking of dating, I'm just saying)

 

What do I tell my heart if by any chance he does change his mind and wants to stay but I know he needs to go? I have never once kicked him out because I NEVER wanted him to turn back and say he left because I kicked him out. I don't want him to try and put blame on my in any way.

 

He's told me before, "if one of my friends would tell me their spouse had put them through what I have done to you. I would of told him/her to leave them"

 

I feel like I've tried all I could to make it work but I can't do it alone. I know it takes two. To be honest, I feel as if he doesn't even know what he wants and I just happen to be in this yo-yo of his while he tries to figure it out. I need someone to tell me that there is a light out of this tunnel. That they did have the courage to finally say enough is enough and they never looked back with regret. All I can think with right now is my heart.

 

So yes this time I know I have to put on my big girl panties and just be done with it but I need some advise on how to get myself through it emotionally and mentally.

 

Please help

Link to post
Share on other sites

What got me through it was thinking about how the badly marriage was affecting my kids.

 

The moving out/moving back in/moving out damages the children. And I know, EVERY couple having issues thinks the kids have no idea what's going on. Well, kids are not unobservant blobs. They see and know way more than you think they do.

 

Think about your kids having a marriage like yours. If you want better for them it's time to end this. Remember, a home is broken when there's dysfunction and unhappiness inside it. It's better to have two peaceful, harmonious homes than one where there's unhappiness.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry this is happening. The marriage sounds quite turbulent. What were the 'changes he promised' to make? Is he having affairs?

 

Your first stop is to a therapist privately and confidentially. Do not tell him or drag him along. Your second stop is to an attorney to review all your options including finances, division of assets, child support and visitation/custody. Again, do this privately and confidentially. Do not stick your head in the sand, cry, argue with him or try to fix it.

 

Divorce will involve emotional and practice challenges which is why a two pronged approach of getting professional advice is a place to start. With expert help and support from friends and family you can start getting your ducks in a row rather than feel blindsided.

I've been married for about 11 yrs now and have 3 kids.

Throughout the course of our marriage my husband has moved out once (to his own apt) and has told me he wants to separate at least 5-6 other times.

This is usually when we aren't in speaking terms for a few weeks while he's finding a place to move into

Well just recently again my husband has told me he wants a divorce.

He states he is not happy in this marriage because it isn't how he "imagined" it would be.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks boltnrun. You're absolutely right , the kids do see and notice things. The only good thing is that when he did move out that one time was when I had only one baby at the time and wasn't a year old yet. The other times have been word of mouth. Still though it doesn't make it any better. I appreciate your words. I loved what you said about a broken home.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Wiseman2: We went to couples therapy but he ended up having a disagreement with the counselor so we never went back. That I know of he hasn't had any affairs. He promised he would show me he loved me and put more effort into our relationship to make it work.

You're right though, i need some counseling for myself and also some legal advise would be good. I just don't want to make this split ugly. Thank you for your words

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I came from a very dysfunctional background and parents who should have been divorced and stayed the frig away from each other LONG before they did. I have mental health difficulties because they didn’t.

Link to post
Share on other sites

A good attorney can help it from getting 'ugly'. A good therapist can guide you through the emotional portion.

i need some counseling for myself and also some legal advise would be good. I just don't want to make this split ugly. Thank you for your words
Link to post
Share on other sites

Yep, my parents stayed together "for the kids". ALL of us have made poor relationship choices. ALL of us are divorced. ALL of us are damaged due to what we witnessed as children. And my parents continued to engage for YEARS after the divorce, which made things worse. However, it was nice coming home to a house where there was peace and quiet instead of a house of dysfunction.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Wiseman2: We went to couples therapy but he ended up having a disagreement with the counselor so we never went back. That I know of he hasn't had any affairs. He promised he would show me he loved me and put more effort into our relationship to make it work.

You're right though, i need some counseling for myself and also some legal advise would be good. I just don't want to make this split ugly. Thank you for your words

 

You may not want to make it so, but again, you aren't the only one in this equation. You can hope for the best, but you need to be prepared for the worst.

 

That said, you've been living on edge for years. When will he pull this bs again, when will he walk out on you again, is this time the last time? It's constant emotional and psychological torture.

 

The divorce may be hard, but what waits on the other side is peace and sanity. Can you even imagine what it's like to live without a constant cloud over your head? Without constant fear about what he is going to pull on you today? I doubt that he is just a total saint in between running away from his family.

 

The other thing too is that your husband sounds like a personality disorder in the flesh. The constant yo yo behavior, the I'm not happy but don't know why, not getting along with a therapist, etc. What you need to understand to the core of your being is that he is not going to change, get better, or become somehow Mr. Wonderful. It.is.never.going.to.happen. Even if he finds someone else to date or marry, he will always be who he is.

 

Your biggest obstacle isn't your heart, it's hope - hoping that he'll suddenly change and be a good husband. He won't and you've got to learn to believe that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
What got me through it was thinking about how the badly marriage was affecting my kids.

 

The moving out/moving back in/moving out damages the children. And I know, EVERY couple having issues thinks the kids have no idea what's going on. Well, kids are not unobservant blobs. They see and know way more than you think they do.

 

Think about your kids having a marriage like yours. If you want better for them it's time to end this. Remember, a home is broken when there's dysfunction and unhappiness inside it. It's better to have two peaceful, harmonious homes than one where there's unhappiness.

 

This is very strange for me to read this because I have been in a very similar situation, I will hold my hands up and say I was like your husband, I would say I'm leaving, say I was unhappy, leave, come back and so on, although it made me (and your husband now) look very bad I can say from my point of view is although I wasn't happy and the relationship had died as we are only human and we know the whole relationship wasn't bad and that ending things would cause us a huge loss of love and happy memories, I was always told I ended it wrong but I left not having had an affair, will support the kids and even her if she was stuck, what I'm trying to say is it's hard for everyone when things come to an end and your are clearly both going through mixed emotions because at the end of the day this is never the outcome we want. My advice is listen to the other posts as they are very sensible and will help you in the long run. Look after your kids and stay strong, it will get easier!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I’m another man who behaved as your husband did. The third time I filed for divorce was the time that it “stuck.” We have been divorced for seven years now. Although the divorce was the worst pain I ever went through: my kids, my ex wife and myself are all happier now.

 

I understand about the doom and gloom fear about “who would ever want me now?” I knew that financially I would be starting over from square one, single father, I have an STD, yadda, yadda, yadda... Like you I decided not to do any dating right off the bat. You’re smart for that. I took a year to be by myself and focus on my parenting and my healing. That helped SO much. Therapy, self-care and doing everything I could to be the best father I could possibly be were places to take my mind and be “productive” or positive when the pain was crushing me.

 

As a result, I was a far more secure and confident person “on the other side.” I healed and GREW so much. And guess what, dating is actually fun and interesting WHEN YOU ARE READY for it! Plenty of great, single men are family oriented and in your age bracket. My experience is that if you want to find love after divorce, then you can make healthy choices along the way that will enable you to enjoy that.

 

Don’t beat yourself up for staying in the marriage past the expiration date, and don’t feel guilty for making a difficult, but ultimately positive choice for yourself and your children.

 

All the best!

Link to post
Share on other sites

keepthefaith & Skeptic76 : I really appreciate hearing from you guys especially since you guys experienced the same situation yourself. May I ask what happened? Did you just fall out of love? Was there anything you think your spouse did/could of done to have changed or made things better? Just wondering.....

Link to post
Share on other sites

dancingfool : Your statement "Your biggest obstacle isn't your heart, it's hope - hoping that he'll suddenly change and be a good husband. He won't and you've got to learn to believe that." was a strong one. I really appreciate that because it made me stop and think and realize you're absolutely correct. Thank you for that

Link to post
Share on other sites
dancingfool : Your statement "Your biggest obstacle isn't your heart, it's hope - hoping that he'll suddenly change and be a good husband. He won't and you've got to learn to believe that." was a strong one. I really appreciate that because it made me stop and think and realize you're absolutely correct. Thank you for that

 

I'm putting in my two cents for two reasons. One - I'm so glad you can see this perspective. Two I'm glad you recognized Dancingfool. Her advice is so very often right on target and to the point while also being caring.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Welcome to ENA,

 

What does a spouse that is unhappy do? Who is at fault for their unhappiness?

 

They can't blame the children and it surely cannot be themselves so it has to be either their spouse or the marriage as a whole to blame.

 

There are plenty of people that enter into a marriage trying to make their lives happy or complete them or fill some void. In time the marriage, the kids and everything wears off and they are wondering once again why?

 

It isn't your fault your husband is not happy. He is responsible for his own happiness just as you are for yours and then you SHARE that happiness with each other. Are there ups and downs? Of course but trying to make someone else happy for all those years is exhausting.

 

What do you do? How do you survive this? The simple answer is one day at a time.

 

There are things you have control over (being a mom, work, safe home) so focus on those and stay focused. They will be your foundation. Then begin to work on things you don't have as much control over and learn to accept the things you have zero control over like your future ex husbands happiness.

 

Divorce is not fun but when you remove all the emotions it is a business arrangement. If he is amiable discuss a mediator instead of lawyers. Basically you both craft the divorce decree with the help of a mediator.

 

The house, custody, child support, alimony, holidays, birthdays, vehicles, cell phone plans, life insurance, vacations, school and on and on need to be figured out to separate your lives.

 

It may be amicable enough for you to go this route but many times when child support and alimony come up he will not be so reasonable. It is worth a shot though.

 

The children are tough and they will adjust to having divorced parents. Most importantly it is better for them to have two happy homes instead of one unhappy one.

 

Keep posting

 

Lost

Link to post
Share on other sites

lostandhurt: You have some great points. Thank you so much for them. You're right happiness is a choice and can't be given

Just trying to take it all in and put my emotions aside for a moment to figure out my next steps. I really just wished he would leave now so I can

move forward with my healing process. It's hard seeing him everyday at home

Link to post
Share on other sites

She had an affair. We couldn’t get past it. I also got sober two years before the divorce and she had a drinking problem so that creates a significant rift too.

 

In my own case I am very glad we split up. She ended up getting sober to get me back, and even though we didn’t reconcile she remains sober to this day so that was a positive. Also the kids stopped being exposed to horrible fights. I was forced to truly “find myself” and so I’m a much happier person today and that was a big positive.

 

We get along fine as co-parents and I would make the same choice if I had it to do again, despite the pain we all had to go through to get to “well.”

Link to post
Share on other sites
lostandhurt: You have some great points. Thank you so much for them. You're right happiness is a choice and can't be given

Just trying to take it all in and put my emotions aside for a moment to figure out my next steps. I really just wished he would leave now so I can

move forward with my healing process. It's hard seeing him everyday at home

 

I feel for you on having them still in the house. After I caught my wife cheating and told her to get out she walked around the house for 3 weeks before she found a place to move into. It was a tough time, she was like a ghost of the person I knew.

 

There is a lot you can do to stay busy so make a list of things you need to get done in preparation for meeting someone about the divorce.

 

Keep posting

 

Lost

Link to post
Share on other sites
It was a tough time, she was like a ghost of the person I knew.

 

Somewhere people just change maybe they are already broken before they get married or in a committed relationship and the whole understanding that a relationship, marriage, kids are all what bring us happiness is something that the society in general gives us.

 

I really just wished he would leave now so I can

move forward with my healing process. It's hard seeing him everyday at home

 

Sorry to hear nimza, hope you and the kids find courage to get through this. Maybe its the best thing to happen, life has its own ways to show you the way forward.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...