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Was it ok for me to behave the way i did?


Jinstron

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Hey guys this is a spinoff from my other thread and im so sorry i cant stop talking about my breakup im so heartbroken, and this seems to be the only thing thats helping. So please bear with me.

 

So the ex breaks up with me and goes on a major date the next week. But week before that we had a huge fight that is the precursor to all this and i need to know if i had the right to react the way i did.

 

The detail is that she has a trauma of men cheating, and strongly against porn. 2 days prior to the fight she finds on my phone old contacts of women ive met in the past, and also 2 porn images (for meme template!) And next day has a mini breakdown, crying on the phone how she cant trust me, ive been with too many women, and that the lockdown is getting to her. That night i spend about 4 hrs facetiming her until she goes to bed at which point she seems to be in a jovial mood.

 

The next morning shes suddenly distant to me. We always text excessively so i can sense it. And also since we text excessively its a pattern breaker when she just says she needs to focus on her own stuff today and disappears. Never once in a year of knowing her and 2 months of dating has she been vague with details like this. But right before she leaves the house i give her a quick call, because for some reason since 2 days ago she started using snapchat. (We also share screenshots excessively, tho not for checking up on eachother mind u). Her excuse is that the apps always been there and its ads thats popping up, that she doesnt talk to anyone there. She hurridly hangs up saying she has to go, and when i call back her phone is busy, then shes out of the house and doesnt open my messages for 5hrs.

 

And my messages were these- that we are both struggling with this long distance thing, and that you know im getting more insecure, and its unfair that you dissappear on me without a word like that and if the shoes were swapped i would never do that to you.

 

She comes back 5 hrs later and unloads on me. That i cant even give her space and dont deserve to hear about her day. And that shes having a meltdown right at that moment and that shes crying. So i try calling her about 5 times in various apps, because in the past when she was crying she would always pick up, and receive comfort. I figured if i kept trying she would calm down enough to pick up the phone.

 

Nope.

 

She calls back an hr later berating me, and then on text starts telling me of her day which was that she spent 4 hrs driving around looking for an open restaurant and to find a sense of normalcy in this lockdown. Unconvinced i ask her- by yourself?

 

She explodes for the last time. Comes back next day and ends our exclusivity. Then only 11 days later on a camping trip with another dude.

 

She also says me calling her 5 times like that was a stalker behavior. And that she was greatly hurt i couldnt see her mental state and be supportive. (but we sexted just as she went to sleep the night before!! Hows that for someone whos distressed? )

 

I dont know... writing it all down it looks more like she was snapchatting this guy and seeing him on the side and that my suspicions were valid. But i dont know, im still very hurt :(

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All this drama over someone you haven’t actually dated in person???

 

But apparently exclusive for 56 days?? What does that even mean?

 

The one word that stands out from your post is “excessively” !!!

 

There is something not right about you both “excessively” messaging each other etc

 

Was it ok for you to behave the way you did?! Absolutely not.

Neither of your behaviour is normal.

 

Get off your computer and start living life. Your fantasy world is not living up to the expectation.

 

Sorry. But you are not heartbroken over a real life person, rather you are heartbroken over a fantasy that turned real life.

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Billy, the only assumption that should be made here for this to be constructive is that the relationship was REAL. Otherwise youre judging me on factors that are from your assumption.

 

Ok then please clarify?

How long was the distance and how many times did you meet in person over the course of the 56 days you were in a relationship?

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We alrdy know what we're gonna say to eachother, billy. And nevermind your criticism, its your attitidue thats unwanted. Thank you.

 

To critique something is not always negative and more often than not results in a positive outcome.

 

Am I wrong to assume you have not met this person physically?

Please correct me if my assumptions that you apparently don’t like are wrong?

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Unfortunately you didn't block her when you broke up. After the breakup, there is no point arguing. Don't keep chitchatting and being her male-girlfriend talking about her dates. Block he and be glad it's over.

Gf breaks up with me then on the same week goes on a camping trip with another dude. Comes back and starts crying on the phone how lousy the date was and i blow up on her, because shes actually crying about the guy rejecting her.

I blow up on her so hard she blocks me on everything and its now completely over.

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We always text excessively so i can sense it. And also since we text excessively its a pattern breaker when she just says she needs to focus on her own stuff today and disappears.

 

She doesn't owe you anything. She's not your gf. In an exclusive relationship, yes, you would expect a partner would want to hear from you and make the effort at least once a day. With anybody, really, if you make an effort in communication, then you wait for them to reply or not. You have a wait and see attitude for reciprocity. You don't do anymore than they do, especially not continuing to communicate without any reply. If you see a person doesn't put in an equal effort, you let them drift away.

 

When you have a fulfilling life spent with friends, family, a career, hobbies, then losing one person who doesn't value you is upsetting, but not devastating, and then you're able to move on after going through emotional stages. If you don't possess those things, work on that part of your life to be able to better handle people who exit your life.

 

Investing emotional energy into someone who dumped you is preventing you from getting a girlfriend. Don't you want to enjoy another woman's company in 3D, holding hands, eating meals together, cuddling on the couch? How about going no contact with an ex so that you can move on and date locally?

 

Your life is so frustrating and upsetting right now with what you're experiencing. It's time for major life changes so you can leave the past where it belongs. As the saying goes: When the past comes calling, don't answer. It has nothing new to say.

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She's not into you. Best to let her go and focus on you. The moment you choose to let go of negative people in your life that don't add any value, is the moment you start moving in the right direction and inviting more harmony and peace.

 

Let this person go and don't pick up any other calls or sext her or have anything to do with her. As far as things are concerned, she's not available.

 

She also appears unhinged and a bit unstable. Whatever issues she has with the lockdowns or whatever state she is in mentally, that's for her to figure out. The porn issue and her issues with men cheating are also HER issues. Stop trying to fix her. Know when to walk away. It's not easy and we all get attached to people we care about but this is not your battle anymore and definitely none of your business as she's with someone else.

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Guys obviously im having a tough time getting thru this breakup. Its the worst one in probably a decade...

 

My mind run circles around it and writing it seem to help me see it objectively, so...

 

As u know on the last day she told me all the sweet words i wanna hear and also offered to fly me out to her city. Then the next day dumps me out of the blue and not only that, treats me like dirt and with zero respect.

 

And with pretty much zero emotion.

 

How could she be like that at a flip of a switch?

Was it to mask the guilt that she cheated on me?

And whats the use, besides cruelty, to lead me on like that until the last minute?

 

Im really baffled, still...

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Hi Jinston

 

I'm going to assume that you have never met in person so I'm going to base this response around that. I'm not going to belittle your feelings about her because you no doubt did have feelings for her. However, I will say that until you meet someone, you can never truly know the person to whom you are talking. Your feelings are based on the person you thought she was but maybe you never really knew her at all.

 

Whilst you've been investing yourself more and more emotionally, she could have been chatting to other guys. She may have been meeting up with guys too. The thing with online-only relationships is that all the qualities needed to build a real relationship upon (ie. hand-holding, body contact, etc etc) aren't really there. Imagine what a real-life relationship would be like ... you'd go to places together and create memories, you'd hold hands, snuggle up on the sofa, kiss, look into each other's eyes. You would have a real connection. Without that, what you really have is a fantasy. This means it is easy to "flip off the switch" when the fantasy is no longer pleasing or, more likely, something real comes along. At that point, it would be easy to see what had been missing from a virtual relationship.

 

As to how you behaved, I don't think you have done anything significantly wrong. I certainly, don't think the outcome would have been any different if you had behaved differently, if that is what you are thinking. It sounds as though she was getting itchy feet and is using your actions as an excuse to end things.

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