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My woman is not respecting me and I`m lost


4dvz

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We have been together for 4 years, and live together. We have a good history together, only a couple of big fights that we have sorted out from both of our perspectives and I believe we are happy together as a couple determined to be together. She has even told me that she would like to marry me, often. No signs of she wanting do break up with me whatsoever. She is fun, intelligent, beautiful and everything I want in a woman.

 

Yet she demonstrates this unexplainable disrespect towards me often, and I`m lost both on both why and how respond. She tells bad things about my level of intelligence, and has also given me an impression that she doesn`t think I`m capable of protecting her physically. Both of these things cause serious confusion in me, not because that I would lose any confidence and of because her having false believes in me instead. I know I`m capable both mentally and physically, yet she only disregards those qualities in me everytime there is a possibility to do so.

 

We have a bit of different interests which might be because of our age gap which is 9 years. She enjoys some things I find dull, and listens to some music I find annoying insteal of musical but I try to be in them and support her in doing what she enjoys. We have also similar interest though, as well as hobbies so i quess this field is doing well.

 

Both of us have jobs, and our economy is well.

 

Every time I try talking with her about this stuff, she just gets upset and claims that there is nothing to talk about. Just as if there was no issue to her, except me asking about it. She completely ignores me, when I tell her I need to be respected by my woman instead of what she`s doing.

 

Any ideas on why she might be acting this way, or what should I do about it?

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Well, I'd say it's because she doesn't respect you.

 

Has she always been like this? If so, why have you tolerated it?

 

I quess she has. I have tolerated it because I have a very good level of self confidence, and to me it was kind of "Ok you think this way if you want to". I have not let it affect in my behaviour in any way.

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I quess she has. I have tolerated it because I have a very good level of self confidence, and to me it was kind of "Ok you think this way if you want to". I have not let it affect in my behaviour in any way.

 

Right, but it clearly does bother you or you wouldn't be bringing it up to her or making a thread about it.

 

All you can really do is start laying down better boundaries and telling her to stop if she makes belittling comments about you. And you also need to really ask yourself if you want to be with someone who you feel disrespects you.

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Right, but it clearly does bother you or you wouldn't be bringing it up to her or making a thread about it.

 

All you can really do is start laying down better boundaries and telling her to stop if she makes belittling comments about you. And you also need to really ask yourself if you want to be with someone who you feel disrespects you.

 

Yes, it does botther me. I didn`t mean to say it wouldn`t. It didn`t bother me initially, but now it does. The time passes us by so fast that every time she does this she has also been nice to me a lot of times, so I forgive her, but deep down I ask myself if she has an idealization of an better man than myself in her brain. I want her to say everything she thinks, so how could I ask for boundaries.

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I might be wrong here but I am finding it disrespectful that you refer to her as “my woman”

 

Your “woman” has suggested she would like to marry you ,yet you have been with her for 4 years and not proposed and asked her to be your “wife”, why not?

 

I sense she feels disrespected.

Yet neither of you have actually sat down and communicated properly.

 

You have dismissed her opinion in the past as you said “ok you think this way if you want to” and you refer that to being confident. I wouldn’t call that confident , I would call it cocky and dismissive and not self aware.

 

If you want this relationship to work , I suggest you treat her as an even , listen to what she is saying, don’t dismiss it just because you think the world of yourself, she might just have a valid point. Consider that.

 

And if you are not willing to commit to her , ask yourself , why not? And communicate this to her.

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I might be wrong here but I am finding it disrespectful that you refer to her as “my woman”

 

Your “woman” has suggested she would like to marry you ,yet you have been with her for 4 years and not proposed and asked her to be your “wife”, why not?

 

I sense she feels disrespected.

Yet neither of you have actually sat down and communicated properly.

 

You have dismissed her opinion in the past as you said “ok you think this way if you want to” and you refer that to being confident. I wouldn’t call that confident , I would call it cocky and dismissive and not self aware.

 

If you want this relationship to work , I suggest you treat her as an even , listen to what she is saying, don’t dismiss it just because you think the world of yourself, she might just have a valid point. Consider that.

 

And if you are not willing to commit to her , ask yourself , why not? And communicate this to her.

 

I`m not that eager to get married in general. I don`t know why, but this is the way it has always been for me. We have discussed this, and I have actually made a promise to her that I will marry her eventually if that is what she desires. I have gven every promises humanly possible there is to her already, that I`m with her forever and I mean every word.

 

Could you ellaborate a bit why you feel "my woman" is disrespectful? Just curious. I understand the concept of "my" having it certain tone to some folks, but here it`s just purely a statement of love just like a ring. I´m her man as well, no one elses.

 

When I said the "ok you think this way if you want to" it wasnt any way cocky, it was me giving up on trying to figure out why she acted the way she acted because she didn`t actually care to tell me. If someone tells you bad stuff about yourself, should you care if that stuff ain`t true? In my opinion you shouldn`t care.

 

I have committed to her every way possible. I can`t even describe it.. It feels like I I`m constantly asked in changing, giving up on something, and I`m always doing everything I can for her but I need to remain myself in the way.

 

Sorry if my answer is a bit obnoxious, it`s just that I have really given my all here.

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I find it hard to equate the idea of "confidence" with "tolerating disrespect" for four years. Something to think about, perhaps, as reading between the lines a bit I can't help but think that part of your self-conception as "confident" might be connected to what you're "tolerating," a bit like me thinking I am "super tough" because I don't cry or fall over when someone punches me in the face, and then making sure to invest a lot of my time in people who punch me in the face so I can feel super tough.

 

Super tough people, all in all, don't seek out getting punched. Confident people, all in all, don't thrive on feelings of disrespect. Those are shortcuts to feeling tough and confident that, ultimately, cut us down.

 

Can I ask how old you both are? Nine years, depending on the ages and people, can either be a manageable gap or a very real maturity gap. The specifics you bring up—notably the idea she voices about you not being able to "protect her physically"—are pretty immature, to my eyes. Damsel and knight stuff, basically. The stuff someone says when they're insecure, to make another person feel weak. Of course, "taking it" is also a potential symptom of insecurity or weakness, one you may be mistaking for strength?

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Is part of the conflict still related to her not "fulfilling your needs/desires":

 

http://https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=563564&p=7198110&viewfull=1#post7198110

 

No, nice to meet you again wiseman.

 

I have given up on hopes of her pleasing me a long time ago, sad to say.. this is another issue having nothing to do with that one in my perspective whereas it might in someone elses.

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When you try to talk to her, how do you approach it? If you say something generic like "I feel disrespected" - it's really impossible for her, or anyone, to understand what your specific problem is and what they might be doing to cause it. It just creates an empty argument where she might be thinking "but I do respect you and I don't know what your problem is." So maybe next time she makes a disparaging remark - stop her right there and tell her in the moment that what she just said is disrespectful to you.

 

If that doesn't work or if you've already tried that, then quite frankly you have nothing to work with. Meaning that she really doesn't care if she hurts you. In that case you have a more serious hard question to answer for yourself - do you really want to stay in this relationship?

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When you try to talk to her, how do you approach it? If you say something generic like "I feel disrespected" - it's really impossible for her, or anyone, to understand what your specific problem is and what they might be doing to cause it. It just creates an empty argument where she might be thinking "but I do respect you and I don't know what your problem is." So maybe next time she makes a disparaging remark - stop her right there and tell her in the moment that what she just said is disrespectful to you.

 

If that doesn't work or if you've already tried that, then quite frankly you have nothing to work with. Meaning that she really doesn't care if she hurts you. In that case you have a more serious hard question to answer for yourself - do you really want to stay in this relationship?

 

I've found this to be very effective (using specific examples).

 

Also paired with a technique that Andrina has mentioned in the past on a different thread and I've also observed works: Phrase your feedback with "I" comments not "you" comments. For example, "I need a moment here because what just happened has hurt me a lot." or "I am in a bit of shock because of the things that were just said." Let the other person respond.

 

Keep in mind that when things escalate or are so bitter and dysfunctional that shouting matches occur or people are in the habit of perpetually brushing off or disregarding each other (not listening anymore), the timing may be off or maybe neither of you know how to communicate or have forgotten how to communicate respectfully with one another.

 

I think it's best to cool it at that time, go your separate ways or separate parts of the house or hang up the call with respect and agree to come back to this at a better time. It doesn't always work as smoothly with hurt feelings but try doing it with as much grace and kindness you can muster. The other person might be rude to you but don't internalize it.

 

I'd do some serious thinking then about whether you both are able to communicate in general or whether either of you want to be together or see a future with each other. Openly disregarding concerns and ridiculing a partner or lack of care does constitute emotional abuse over time. Break the cycle and stop accepting that kind of influence in your life if that's the case.

 

Do you feel like you both are in a relationship based on comfort? You're comfortable with each other, not necessarily liking or enjoying your time together?

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I refer to the man that i love as "my guy" here -- i say it very affectionately. The reason i do is a further level of anonymity - no one knows if we are dating, engaged, married or have a wholly different situation. I don't think he meant any disrespect referring to her as "my woman" - i took it like i am using "my guy"

 

If you are in no hurry to get married and she keeps talking marriage, i would be brutally honest. "I don't want to get married at this point in my life. if you really want to get married in the next year or two, i am not your guy."

 

Also, you deserve someone that respects you (not "obey", but does not insult your intelligence in front of others, etc.) If you respect someone, you don't talk about how they can't protect you or that they aren't very bright.

I mean, imagine a lifetime of that...

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