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What should I do after my boyfriend only said ' Happy birthday' and that's it?


raquellexxx

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You know how a significant part of birthday joy is your close people cherishing and making you happy, by showing you how important you are to them? My boyfriend has always claimed how much he loves me and how he wanna spend his lifetime with me. We are in a long distance relationship and I have made lots of sacrifices neglecting my pride so far and he still does things even though I have asked him not to.

But on my birthday, everything escalated. When my special day came, I didn't expect gifts or material stuff from him (although I have sent him present just without a special event) but at least expected wishes that manifest his love making me special on my special day. In return, while most of the people EVEN STRANGERS wished me tons of things, my boyfriend who ''wants to spend his life with me'' only told me ''Happy birthday'' and absolutely nothing more.. which made me feel awful because he is one of the most important people of my life and at least, I was expecting him to wish me something, say that he loves me and stuff.. and not just ''Happy birthday'' as if we are strangers. And we haven't had any fights or something... I asked him if something is wrong and he said no.. even I have sent him present in the future just out of nothing while now, he only said ''Happy birthday'' and not a single wish, care, and love... When I shared this with him he was so surprised acting like ''2 more words mean nothing'' making me feel as if it's my fault and I'm petty.. and eventually saying things like ''Sorry for not making you happy on your b-day'' but he didn't mean them it was kinda sarcastic as if he was mad AT ME?! And when I told him that I am sad because of what he did, then he just wished me a goodnight and almost hung up... I really can't believe how he made me feel on my day after it was his fault...he ruined my special day plus made me feel petty and needy. Please give me your advice do you think I'm right to feel awful and sad because of what he did? Even if I barely trust men, I trusted him because of all that he has told me about how much he loves me and want to spend his life with me.. I thought he was a good guy respecting me and now it looks like I am not important to him and he doesn't care.. The fact the even though I have had more than 1 conversation just asking him not to do something easy because it's difficult for me to do it he never actually put the effort to even wake up on time to have more time to talk and stuff... while at the same time always saying that he loves me, misses me and stuff... and pretty much, I felt that my sacrifices are way bigger than his...

 

What hurts me the most (even though I know that I shouldn't blindly believe in men's words) is the fact the he seemed a different guy that really care for his girlfriend, not a womanizer (which I hate) and stuff. When I mean dignity, I was talking about neglecting my own feelings and needs after he is not changing his behaviour which hurts me before.. and I keep doing sacrifices just because apart from the actions, he is really kind, gentle to me, says that he loves me, misses me, and even wants us to have a family. AND at the same time, even though I have told him to change something that affects our communication (something actually easy like waking up on time so that I don't force myself to be up late night) he keeps sleeping late making excuses and since I don't feel good to always remind him, I neglect my own sleeping schedule ans stay up late just to talk to him resulting in me being constantly exhausted and emotionally/psysically drained... but apart from these things (which are not something small at all), when we talk, he is kind, we laugh, he compliments me, says that he loves me, wants to be with me for the rest of his life and stuff.. and all those things make me extremely confused, sad and bad.. because i don't know if I'm even right or no anymore.. and what do do..

 

Should I finally leave him after this situation and then the lack of understanding plus his behaviour because I know that he won't say sorry and even text me again until I do it?

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He's obviously not the very caring man you had envisioned and hoped for. You need to either accept him the way he is or break up. He's not a man of many words when it comes to your birthday and text. Some people or some men are just that way. And their talk is cheap because they whisper sweet nothings in your ear but when it's your special day, they yawn and don't care about your feelings which is cold.

 

Your relationship is lopsided. You do way more for him than he does for you. There is no balance nor mutual care. You make sacrifices, you give, he takes and he doesn't put forth any effort for you. He never reciprocates which is unfair. In other words, he's self-centered and selfish. He only cares about himself and doesn't put for the effort to do anything for you. He only texts or says "Happy Birthday" as if you're an acquaintance. I'd be disappointed, hurt and angry if I were you, too. :upset:

 

He will not change for you. This is his personality. Take it or leave it. I'd leave it and him if I were you!

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Should I finally leave him after this situation and then the lack of understanding plus his behaviour because I know that he won't say sorry and even text me again until I do it?

 

Yes, because it sounds like you're really the only one who cares if this relationship works out or not.

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It’s nice that he wished you a happy birthday , didn’t forget etc.

It would have been nice of you to simply thank him.

 

Just because you like to show your love in the form of gifts , doesn’t mean he does.

 

Google the five love languages.

 

I think you berate him for things he doesn’t even understand where you are coming from.

And while he might thank you for a gift you send , it might not mean for him what you intend it to mean.

 

So while you might treat him with a hot air balloon ride for his birthday , he might have just wanted a simple happy birthday text. When he sends you a simply happy birthday text , you go off at him for not organising a hot air balloon ride.

 

You can of course communicate your feelings to him on this , but maturely.

But if you speak a different love language then you need to be aware of this and adjust your possibly unrealistic expectations and weigh up what’s actually important to you.

 

If you like grand gestures , then be with someone that does that. But also realise that a guy who will do that might not fulfill other needs this guy does provide.

 

It’s up to you to decide what’s important to you , not any of us.

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I never said I wanted ''gifts'' and ''grand gestures''?! But only just a care, attention, and love. Not just a simple verbal ''Happy birthday'' as if we are strangers. I definitely don't think those are unrealistic expectations.

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I never said I wanted ''gifts'' and ''grand gestures''?! But only just a care, attention, and love. Not just a simple verbal ''Happy birthday'' as if we are strangers. I definitely don't think those are unrealistic expectations.

 

My comment was hyperbole.

As I said google the five love languages.

That might help you to understand.

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How long have you been dating? How often do you see each other? Why is it long distance? Stop being a martyr and "making sacrifices". It seems you are over invested and he is not as into this as you are. Instead reflect if you are compatible.

We are in a long distance relationship

But on my birthday, everything escalated.. and not just ''Happy birthday'' as if we are strangers. saying things like ''Sorry for not making you happy on your b-day''

 

I was talking about neglecting my own feelings and needs after he is not changing his behaviour which hurts me before..

I neglect my own sleeping schedule ans stay up late just to talk to him

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I can understand your frustration, but grilling someone over it doesn't get you very far. Did he used to make more of an effort on your birthday and now it stopped? How long have you been together? Maybe birthday's aren't important to him.

 

I second Billie's idea of taking a look at the 5 Love Languages. Really good book with incredible insight!

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The fact the even though I have had more than 1 conversation just asking him not to do something easy because it's difficult for me to do it he never actually put the effort to even wake up on time to have more time to talk and stuff... while at the same time always saying that he loves me, misses me and stuff... and pretty much, I felt that my sacrifices are way bigger than his...

 

What hurts me the most (even though I know that I shouldn't blindly believe in men's words) is the fact the he seemed a different guy that really care for his girlfriend, not a womanizer (which I hate) and stuff. When I mean dignity, I was talking about neglecting my own feelings and needs after he is not changing his behaviour which hurts me before.. and I keep doing sacrifices just because apart from the actions, he is really kind, gentle to me, says that he loves me, misses me, and even wants us to have a family. AND at the same time, even though I have told him to change something that affects our communication (something actually easy like waking up on time so that I don't force myself to be up late night) he keeps sleeping late making excuses and since I don't feel good to always remind him, I neglect my own sleeping schedule ans stay up late just to talk to him resulting in me being constantly exhausted and emotionally/psysically drained

 

I think your birthday disappointment is the symptom of bigger problems in the relationship.

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I think your birthday disappointment is the symptom of bigger problems in the relationship.

 

I agree. Also and separately I'd evaluate your expectations about your birthday/special occasions.Sounds like you place a lot of emphasis on how someone else should "make you feel" -what do you do for yourself to celebrate personal accomplishments or your birthday? I see a lot of posts that seem to expand what is expected from friends and loved ones - posts on facebook I mean -like "birthday weekend" and "gender reveal party" and now all the birthday parades where I see in at least one people tossing presents outside the car -etc. Do you truly need all of that -or is it triggered by what you read on social media or what your friends tell you you "should" expect?

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Happy belated birthday!

 

It doesn't matter what love language you both speak, he just sounds lazy and complacent IMO. If you used to celebrate each other's birthday and get each other gifts it's not "unrealistic expectation" to expect him to reciprocate. Some people are fine with just a text; some people don't even remember their own birthdays. But it should be based on mutual understanding, i.e., if he knows you don't care about birthdays and you both agreed to not celebrate then what he did would have sufficed. That is obviously not the case for you. He just decided to make the minimal effort and when you are disappointed he got mad. He sounds like the very opposite of a caring, thoughtful boyfriend.

 

From what you describe of your relationship though, this birthday disappointment might be the smallest of your problems. All you said about his good traits are what he says: him telling you he loves you and wants to start a family with you. Remember words are cheap. Even if he does love you and wants to marry you, do you really want to spend the rest of your life in an endless series of disappointments like this? Because it will not get better. He doesn't care about your feelings and needs, or he would have at least listened to your complaints and tried to do what it takes to please you on your birthday.

 

Don't make "sacrifices" for him. Why do you have to stay up late to talk to him? If he is not willing to adjust his schedule to make time to talk with you, he doesn't care about the relationship. Don't be the only person dragging the relationship forward. Stop treating him as the top priority in your life as he doesn't prioritize you. He doesn't appreciate your "sacrifices," you are just building up resentment toward him.

 

I would leave him if I were you. The relationship sounds very dissatisfying. Why do you "barely trust men" though? Don't let your bf or a few exes define your perception of men. There are probably as many reliable, trustworthy men in this world as there are loving and caring women. But you have to lose the lousy ones before you can find a good one.

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Happy belated birthday!

 

It doesn't matter what love language you both speak, he just sounds lazy and complacent IMO. If you used to celebrate each other's birthday and get each other gifts it's not "unrealistic expectation" to expect him to reciprocate. Some people are fine with just a text; some people don't even remember their own birthdays. But it should be based on mutual understanding, i.e., if he knows you don't care about birthdays and you both agreed to not celebrate then what he did would have sufficed. That is obviously not the case for you. He just decided to make the minimal effort and when you are disappointed he got mad. He sounds like the very opposite of a caring, thoughtful boyfriend.

 

From what you describe of your relationship though, this birthday disappointment might be the smallest of your problems. All you said about his good traits are what he says: him telling you he loves you and wants to start a family with you. Remember words are cheap. Even if he does love you and wants to marry you, do you really want to spend the rest of your life in an endless series of disappointments like this? Because it will not get better. He doesn't care about your feelings and needs, or he would have at least listened to your complaints and tried to do what it takes to please you on your birthday.

 

Don't make "sacrifices" for him. Why do you have to stay up late to talk to him? If he is not willing to adjust his schedule to make time to talk with you, he doesn't care about the relationship. Don't be the only person dragging the relationship forward. Stop treating him as the top priority in your life as he doesn't prioritize you. He doesn't appreciate your "sacrifices," you are just building up resentment toward him.

 

I would leave him if I were you. The relationship sounds very dissatisfying. Why do you "barely trust men" though? Don't let your bf or a few exes define your perception of men. There are probably as many reliable, trustworthy men in this world as there are loving and caring women. But you have to lose the lousy ones before you can find a good one.

 

I agree with SophiaG! :smug:

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So many times we want to look at someone as wrong or right. But he didnt forget. As someone else said...

 

Unfortunately what he did do was not what you wanted or expected.

 

I doubt you can change this about him. Which means you have a choice to make: accept him as is or move on.

 

Don't feel bad or anything he or anyone else says about it being materialistic or whatever.

 

If you want a guy that makes a bigger effort for your bday, then you deserve that.

 

Long distance sucks anyway. It rarely works out. Get a local guy.

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Please next time don't stay up late to speak with him. Go to bed early if you need to be up early for your own reasons. Take care of yourself better. If the both of you only catch up every other day or a few times a week, so be it.

 

I think you are way too available.

 

Cut it back and let him come to you. Get more sleep.

 

You'll think more clearly, feel better about yourself and you might not be so irritable overall. If you really are very unhappy, don't stay with this person but from the sounds of it this guy doesn't sound that bad from the way you described his other qualities.

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If my boyfriend, fiance or husband only gave me a lukewarm 'Happy Birthday' text to me after I've done a lot for him for so many times, I'd feel slighted and would feel that he took the easy route. Face it, some guys are just plain lazy. It requires too much thought, work, effort and care to make you feel special.

 

Since your boyfriend doesn't reciprocate, grow accustomed to it. Accept him the way he is or choose another man who knows how to treat you right especially on days when you want to feel important, wanted, thought about and cared for. It's called being considerate and unselfish.

 

Know that a lot of men aren't into expressing their feelings verbally or in written form. Many of them don't bother to give you a bouquet of flowers, greeting card, gifts nor anything. They consider your birthday just another day despite your making his birthday important. On your birthday (or holidays, anniversaries), they simply yawn. :upset: They think it's not a big deal which I agree with you, it's hurtful.

 

There needs to be a mutual understanding if you want him to make you feel as if you matter, too. If he's not willing to go the extra mile for you, your birthday will only amount to a short text year after year. Live with it or dissolve the relationship. The choice is yours.

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You guys, I can't describe how thankful I am for your answers and pieces of advice on this hard time for me. I have been reading all of them carefully absorbing them.

 

Lastly, I wanna share with you that since that happened, I have been torturing myself why is it SO EXTREMELY difficult for me to leave him even after all these clear red flags and signs... You know what I discovered?

 

1) Mainly because I have issues in my family, I was craving for love, calmness, peace, and care. And I somehow i thought I found the resquing in him assuming that he was my SHELTER and safe place and therefore, I was ignoring the signs.

 

2) The other reason for feeling it so hard to leave him is the fact that I've always loved his country (I've never been with him because of that since actually, there was something that I was missing in him that I couldn't find). But with time, I began imagining and assuming that I will go from my life now (hell) to his country with him living happy, loving, peaceful life together (heaven). Please, get me right - it's not about immigration or money since I wouldn't ever use someone for such purpose. I can still go to that country but I thought that I finally found the right guy who will just respect, care, and love me. And that's a perfectly different picture - not just going alone but going there and starting a happy relationship/family with him was like a dream come true to me...

 

Although I discovered the reasons why it's so painful to me, I can't still take it lightly, stop feeling sorry and I want to save myself to get over him easier and get rid of the awful thought that I am having now - "I am leaving the heaven and going back to hell"? Could you please give me an advice? I would be beyond thankful for each sentence!

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I want to save myself to get over him easier and get rid of the awful thought that I am having now - "I am leaving the heaven and going back to hell"? Could you please give me an advice? I would be beyond thankful for each sentence!

 

Well, is this relationship really heaven?

 

I know you desperately want it to be, but the reality sure doesn't support that fantasy.

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You and he value different things. Birthdays are a big deal to you, to him, they obviously aren't.

 

Would most women expect a gift or to have something special done for them on their birthday? YES..they'd be lying if they say otherwise.

 

He's not the guy who's going to be doing anything great or romantic for you on your birthday. It's up to you to decide if that's a deal breaker or not.

But I think most women would find it insulting.

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As for whatever country he is from, that shouldn't have any bearing on dating him or not. Because then it does sound like you're wanting him for a visa.

 

Perhaps that's why he did nothing? He was feeling used. In any case, your 'relationship' is over. He doesn't care.

You need to find another guy.

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No and no again. I said in my last message - this country doesn't even need a visa or someone to help you. Even if it did, I would never use someone. The thing was that I was imagining living there with him finally finding the right guy and together, we will live peaceful, calm life full of love...

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You guys, I can't describe how thankful I am for your answers and pieces of advice on this hard time for me. I have been reading all of them carefully absorbing them.

 

Lastly, I wanna share with you that since that happened, I have been torturing myself why is it SO EXTREMELY difficult for me to leave him even after all these clear red flags and signs... You know what I discovered?

 

1) Mainly because I have issues in my family, I was craving for love, calmness, peace, and care. And I somehow i thought I found the resquing in him assuming that he was my SHELTER and safe place and therefore, I was ignoring the signs.

 

2) The other reason for feeling it so hard to leave him is the fact that I've always loved his country (I've never been with him because of that since actually, there was something that I was missing in him that I couldn't find). But with time, I began imagining and assuming that I will go from my life now (hell) to his country with him living happy, loving, peaceful life together (heaven). Please, get me right - it's not about immigration or money since I wouldn't ever use someone for such purpose. I can still go to that country but I thought that I finally found the right guy who will just respect, care, and love me. And that's a perfectly different picture - not just going alone but going there and starting a happy relationship/family with him was like a dream come true to me...

 

Although I discovered the reasons why it's so painful to me, I can't still take it lightly, stop feeling sorry and I want to save myself to get over him easier and get rid of the awful thought that I am having now - "I am leaving the heaven and going back to hell"? Could you please give me an advice? I would be beyond thankful for each sentence!

 

It sounds to me that you are romanticizing this relationship way too much due to dissatisfaction with your current circumstances. Unfortunately, few partners can live up to this level of fantasy. A relationship may enrich your life and make it wonderful in many ways, but it cannot turn an otherwise horrible life 180 around and make it perfect. You will probably feel much happier if you address the problems in your life first before entering a relationship. Distance yourself from toxic family, become financially and emotionally independent, improve your career, make good friends and develop healthy hobbies. When you feel comfortable with your own life you wouldn't put so much hope on a man and feel the need to hang on as if he's the only light in your world. You will notice all the red flags and move on swiftly if he doesn't treat you right.

 

What do you mean you've never been with him? Have you ever met in person or is it a purely online relationship? If you can easily go to his country without his help, why not just go and visit? It can be also exciting to move to a new country without any existing ties - you are fully open and available to explore, to meet new people, and to date guys who will probably treat you much better than your long-distance boyfriend.

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It sounds to me that you are romanticizing this relationship way too much due to dissatisfaction with your current circumstances. Unfortunately, few partners can live up to this level of fantasy. A relationship may enrich your life and make it wonderful in many ways, but it cannot turn an otherwise horrible life 180 around and make it perfect. You will probably feel much happier if you address the problems in your life first before entering a relationship. Distance yourself from toxic family, become financially and emotionally independent, improve your career, make good friends and develop healthy hobbies. When you feel comfortable with your own life you wouldn't put so much hope on a man and feel the need to hang on as if he's the only light in your world. You will notice all the red flags and move on swiftly if he doesn't treat you right.

 

.

 

Exactly, Sophia. The very best advice! Be comfortable with and love yourself first and foremost. Always.

 

Raquelle, take the good honest advice you are getting on here

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