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I lied about my past relationship years ago to my fiance. Should I come clean?


SonaRi2013
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My fiance and I started dating five years ago. Before him, I had been in a serious relationship with one other person which lasted two years. We told each other about our past relationships - I was still a virgin but I had cleared the other bases with my ex-boyfriend. This really bothered by current fiance. We had a great relationship otherwise but he mentioned multiple times that that he just couldn't get passed the idea of another man having seen me naked. So, I decided to lie about it and said that actually my ex-boyfriend had only seen me in my underwear. At this point, I had lost all contact with my ex and I knew there was no way my fiance would ever find out the truth unless I told him.

 

It's been five years and my fiance and I are getting married this summer and have a great relationship. I hadn't thought about the lie, but recently, my fiance and I had a conversation where he said again that it would have really bothered him if my ex had seen me naked.

 

Personally I am not ashamed of what I did in my relationship with my ex. However, I believe that a marriage should be built on trust and I do think that lying to him was wrong. I've been considering telling my fiance that I've lied to him but I don't think he'd be able to get over not just me being untruthful, but his need to be the only one to ever have had any sexual experience with me. I worry that that insecurity could ruin our relationship. Would it be the right thing to do to tell him? Or should I forget about it and let us move forward without thinking about the past?

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So was your fiance a virgin when you began dating? If he was not then why did he expect you to be a virgin and never to have been intimate with anyone before? I'm sorry but especially if you were both over the age of eighteen and been in relationships, it's really unfair of him to have a problem that your ex saw you naked. Unless people are religious or celibate by choice, people get sexually intimate with a partner. It's considered completely normal and common to do this. Especially in Western society. I don't know what background you are from of course...

 

Personally if a partner had a problem that I had sex with someone else before them, they can just get lost lol I mean how is it possible to never have had sex with anybody if you've been in relationships? It's very unreasonable to have a problem with this in my opinion.

 

No, you shouldn't be ashamed of it. Unless of course it goes against your religion or personal beliefs and values. I think you shouldn't have even had to lie about this to your partner. Most people would not be so jealous and have an issue with it.

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I think it’s a good idea to come clean now rather than for this issue to resurface after you got married. It’s not just for your partner but for your own peace of mind since it seems you’re really bothered about lying.

 

You’ve braved 5 years already so I suppose your relationship is stronger and you’ve both matured. Expect the worst - he might get pissed off; but hope for the best. If he truly loves you, he’ll be able to forgive.

 

I’m not sure if you’re into pre-marital counseling but it might also help. You might want to do the ‘confession’ in one of the sessions together with a professional who can guide you and help you process the ordeal. At least you will be on neutral grounds.

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Your boyfriend is acting as if he owns you and your body: that's not on. Why on earth shouldn't an ex-boyfriend have seen you naked? Your boyfriend sees countless naked women's bodies in the media/porn all the time and he presumably has no problem with that, but he thinks that nobody before him should have seen yours? He's not being rational or realistic. Don't tell him; you'll get a load of aggro and it's not like you can go back and change the past to suit him.

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I agree with Tinydance.

 

The lie doesn't concern me as much as why you felt you had to lie. You did nothing wrong in your past relationship which was just that, a past relationship and had no bearing on your current one.

 

Your fiance has a problem, that is what concerns me in all this. If he is that insecure and jealous and you are still intent on marrying him then keep this tiny secret to protect his ego.

 

I would ask you to take a good hard look at your fiance and be brutally honest with yourself if he is truly the man you want to spend the rest of your life with as he is now. If the answer is yes then you know you went into the marriage with your eyes wide open.

 

I am extremely honest and despise lying and cheating but in this case I would consider this one of those lies like when your friend asks if her butt looks big. You should be able to be honest with her but for the sake of her feelings you tell her those vertical stripes are very slimming...

 

Lost

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How is he now? If you'd come here five years ago with what he said to you, we'd all rightfully call it out as the red flag it was. It's difficult to contextualize it 5 years after the fact. People can and do change for the better in much less time. Do have cause beyond a desire to bring up a needlessly dramatic conversation? Does he exhibit jealous behavior today?

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but recently, my fiance and I had a conversation where he said again that it would have really bothered him if my ex had seen me naked.

 

The fact that this was a recent comment suggests he hasn't matured much since he first made a big deal out of it.

 

What the context of this recent conversation?

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Its not weird that he told you 5 years ago that he had a hard time knowing another man saw you naked, but mentioning it again 5 years later is odd to me. Unless he said it in the context "You are the perfect woman for me, you really get me, and the icing on the cake to me is that I am your first and only." Then that's different. If he stared you down and said "And no other guy saw you naked but me right??" Then that is different.

Unless the ex is his cousin - someone you see a lot of.

 

To me, you told a white lie. A lie lie would be to say "i am a virgin" when you had full intercourse. You were sexually active, just not "all the way" so you didn't tell a huge lie. If you have never told other lies (except lying to him about knowing nothing about a surprise party...) then i might just forget about it.

 

Whether you come clean depends -- is this going to be guilt on your heart for years? Coming clean after 3 or 20 years of marriage would be worse.

 

I would ask him "i am surprised you are still talking about what if my ex saw me naked. i wonder why its still so important to you after all this time. Would you have dumped me back then if he did?"

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Sorry to hear this. It's none of his business. Do not mention it again. Trust and privacy/boundaries are two different things. Be careful of someone who is jealous or controlling or injustice-collecting to hold things over your head. Do not get married without premarital counselling.

My fiance and I started dating five years ago. We told each other about our past relationships - I was still a virgin but I had cleared the other bases with my ex-boyfriend. This really bothered by current fiance.
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He sounds irrational enough that he'd cancel the wedding if you tell him.

 

Oh boy, if that's true, then the marriage is already over before it began! That's a really rocky relationship if you have to already walk on eggshells due to him being over the top like this.

 

Yes, you should absolutely be able to tell your partner everything, truthfully. If he loves you (in a healthy manner) he will deal with it like an adult and let it go.

Lies should never be a part of a relationship and certainly not a part of marriage!! If you have to lie in order to calm him enough into marriage, that is a HUGE red flag that this is not the right man for you.

 

Also OP, please don't confuse love and control. Your boyfriend getting over the top jealous like this, is not love. It's about control. There isn't a person on earth who is happy about their partner having a past or being with other people. But as grown ups, it's a part of life. Loving someone is accepting all of them, even their mistakes, without judgement and without anger or upset.

He may be disappointed, sure. But again, this is adulthood, he needs to be a grown man and deal.

If he expects perfection now or only wants things his way and how he wants it, and can't handle disappointments or things not always perfect...you're gonna have a hell of a marriage. Trust me on that.

 

Talk to him, tell him, gauge his reaction. If he can't handle it, he can't handle marriage.

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To me, you told a white lie. A lie lie would be to say "i am a virgin" when you had full intercourse.

 

Loads of respect for you abit. But a lie is a lie. I think that's where our society goes wrong is trying to justify smaller lies to bigger ones and making themselves feel better because it's smaller.

 

A lie is false information as well as trying to fool someone. It's never okay on any level.

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There is being honest and then there is TMI. It's rather important that you understand the difference between the two. Being in a relationship is not a license to vomit TMI to your partner at will, especially when it comes to discussing past relationships and what you did with your ex or ex's, especially sexually. That is nobody's business except yours and your ex. Children vomit TMI without filters, adults are expected to be more mature. No way should you be discussing or yield to pressure to discuss your sexual past. It's an inappropriate question to be asked and you need to have enough healthy boundaries to refuse to engage in such conversations. Only thing your partner is entitled to know in that regard is that you are not carrying any diseases. That's it. Anything more than that is unhealthy TMI.

 

That said, if your partner has serious insecurity and jealousy issues and you find yourself walking on eggshells often in general or about many subjects.....that's a whole other can of worms. If your relationship is truly conditional on your virginity and him being the only one who has seen you naked......there is so much wrong with that I don't even know what to say or where to start. He doesn't sound like he is a fit partner for anyone and has a lot of growing up to do.

 

Think long and hard if this is really the person you want to marry and tie your life to...... Just because you spent 5 years with them doesn't mean you need to continue.

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Come clean and tell your fiance the truth. If he can't handle your truth after you've expressed your remorse for lying to him, his reaction will determine whether or not you can see yourself having a future with him. If your truth is a deal breaker for him, then his lack of forgiving character should tell you he's not the husband for you.

 

A real man forgives especially when there's admittance for wrongdoing, a sincere apology and changes for the better. Then healing and new trust begins. A real man is mature and knows how to conduct himself accordingly even with uncomfortable situations which put him to the test.

 

Concentrate on your fiance's character or lack thereof. He shouldn't judge you so harshly especially if you're honest with him. If he becomes belligerent over this, he will make your life miserable in unholy matrimony. :upset:

 

Only come forward if your conscience weighs heavy regarding lying to your fiance. If marrying him anyway, lies and all is more important than apologizing for lying, then remain silent. If you are comfortable looking at yourself in the mirror despite lying, that's all on you.

 

I think it's a red flag in the first place that your fiance is so preoccupied with your past which is none of his business. If I were you, I wouldn't marry him because if he's this difficult and complicated now, he'll make your marriage hell eventually. He is not a sound, reasonable man which is alarming. Heed your warnings and never ignore them because your gut instincts and intuition are always right on the mark.

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Tell him the truth and be glad.

 

If he freaks out you will see his true colours - abracadabra!

 

What a show.

 

Watch him disappear. It will be worth it and you will walk away having dodged a bullet.

 

Yes, it was wrong to lie and it is also not right to start your life with someone based on a lie. He also appears quite peculiar and controlling about your body (these are warning signs for possessiveness and emotional/psychological abuse down the line). That level of paranoia and aversion is not normal.

 

I'd have a serious think about whether this person is someone you want in your life forever.

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As someone has mentioned already I would tell the truth, but not because he has a right to know. Because he needs to learn to be able to deal with his obvious insecurities and retrospective jealousy. If he can't then moving forward in to marriage will be very difficult for a number of reasons. When he knows the truth let him have his scream and shout when he's done tell him if you want to move forward that's the last time your prepared to talk about it. If it wants to dig it up again he needs to talk to a therapist about it as it's his problem and he shouldn't be making it yours.

This is not a unique thing as many people are jealous and insecure about their partners past. Men can especially be affected by it because they want to be your best lover, they will measure and compare themselves to your previous partners. They judge you on how many men you've slept with and will continue search for answers. Often when they get the truth it plays on their mind and sours a relationship because of their insecurity.

Think carefully about how you want your life to be and don't enter a union with someone that will using your past against you.

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