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Ex and I were about to get back together


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My ex girlfriend and I have been broken up for a few months, we started talking recently and everything has been great. I found out that while we were broken up she hung out with a guy she used to have a thing with, I told her that if we ever work things out that right now I am uncomfortable with her being around him. She went to a friends house to talk and hangout and the guy showed up, she told me that he got there and that she was going to leave soon but there were other people there too that she wanted to talk to. I told her that I’m upset and that I am hurt and said she should leave, she was being very kind and responsive to me but still didn’t leave yet because she didn’t want to be rude to everyone else. She was acknowledged that I felt bad and she said she knew it would make me upset but she had something to tell me. I eventually said a few rude things and told her it’s hard to trust her, she leaves and I come over to her house. She told me that she wants to be with me and I was still upset and I told her I don’t know if I want to be with her but I do. We had a long conversation and I apologized for the rude things I said and she was very upset. She now said she doesn’t know if she wants to be together because I reacted a certain way, which is how I would react to things when we were together and she thought I wasn’t like that anymore. I told her I’m not like that and I chose to react this way because I tried to express how upset I was and it felt like she didn’t care(which she did) so I was rude. She went home and I went to my house, I am worried that we won’t work things out and that’s what we both really want. I told her I’m not going to react that way again and I want to put all this behind us and she asked me to give her space to relax and think. I feel like I ruined our chances.

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Give her space, do not contact her. Unfortunately the controlling possessive rude aspect she left over reared it's head again. Work on healing yourself, not this situation.Sadly you may have only reinforced her decision to leave and shown her that there have been no changes, just cycles.

I feel like I ruined our chances.
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So did you mean that in order to get back together she has to do what you want her to do, and she should not do what you don't want her to do?

 

I get that boundaries should exist, but they are YOUR boundaries. You choose a partner based on shared boundaries, not on how well they adhere their behavior to yours.

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No I didn’t mean she had to do what I say, I just told her right now uncomfortable with it and she told me she understands. She didn’t mean to be there when he was and I told

Her that it makes me upset and I think she should leave. And when it took her over an hour to do so I got upset which was wrong

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Loosing argument there...you are still the same. This guy is part of her social circle so she can't leave her friends just because he's there...that is so ridiculous to expect her to do that. It's obvious you have always had a trust issue with her, and no matter what she does or syas, that will never change. She realizes this, and I don't blame her for walking away.

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No I didn’t mean she had to do what I say, I just told her right now uncomfortable with it and she told me she understands. She didn’t mean to be there when he was and I told

Her that it makes me upset and I think she should leave. And when it took her over an hour to do so I got upset which was wrong

 

This has contradiction all over it. That is exactly what you meant.

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I still don't know how you have changed in two months time. You also have not processed or recovered from the abusive relationship and childhood. Work on your trust and anger issues and forget about a relationship. You are no where ready.

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No I didn’t mean she had to do what I say, I just told her right now uncomfortable with it and she told me she understands. She didn’t mean to be there when he was and I told

Her that it makes me upset and I think she should leave. And when it took her over an hour to do so I got upset which was wrong

 

You said you told her this: "I told her that I’m upset and that I am hurt and said she should leave" That's not saying you were "uncomfortable", that is telling her what to do.

 

Isn't that what broke you up originally?

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If you've ruined your chances with her, you've kickstarted a new life without her. There is always a flip side. Either way, I think you'll be fine. I cringed a little with your reaction but such is life. We sometimes feel so uncomfortable that nothing we do or say to ourselves will take that feeling away.

 

Have there been other reasons during the relationship where you've felt she can't be trusted? I'm only asking because this is one scenario only and it doesn't give a full picture of what your dynamics were like as a couple. She may not have liked your reactions but she may have been no angel either.

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If you've ruined your chances with her, you've kickstarted a new life without her. There is always a flip side. Either way, I think you'll be fine. I cringed a little with your reaction but such is life. We sometimes feel so uncomfortable that nothing we do or say to ourselves will take that feeling away.

 

Have there been other reasons during the relationship where you've felt she can't be trusted? I'm only asking because this is one scenario only and it doesn't give a full picture of what your dynamics were like as a couple. She may not have liked your reactions but she may have been no angel either.

 

The back story. He admits he was "emotionally abusive".

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=564877

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Thanks, Bolt. I think she's right to take a time out. Let the dust settle, OP.

 

Give yourself some time to think about what happened. Maybe now is not the best time to date. Let go of each other. There's freedom in letting go or in accepting that another person is their own person, not part of or belonging to anyone else. I don't think your feelings of discomfort are wrong either. Anyone would feel uncomfortable but we have to learn to control that. It's not always easy. I also think the trust has broken down in the relationship and it's not easily repaired. You broke her trust early on in the relationship and she broke yours ending the relationship. There's tremendous instability there and fear of loss of control. Just my take anyway.

 

Breathe and just let things be for now. There's also some peace in knowing that once you're able to let go, nothing really matters. If she and you work out, that's fine. If she and you don't work out, you'll be just fine too. You have to believe in that and not base the quality of your life or the eventual happiness of your life on anyone else but yourself. Life will go on. Don't take all that guilt and baggage with you though. See someone (a professional about all those issues from your past) if you have to. You have to unpack all of that and let it go otherwise you'll be adding to the weight more and more as you travel through life. Things will get harder, not easier. I hope you find peace and solace in all this.

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It is absolutely fine to tell her you feel uncomfortable about the situation but it is definitely not ok to tell her what to do.

 

She was upfront and honest with you. Said he was there. That she will leave after she chats to a few friends but you decided that’s not good enough. Shame on you for not trusting her. And then being rude to her when she was actually doing the best she could!!

 

It’s ok to feel jealous. But your reaction to that jealousy was abnormal.

You need to learn to self reason and think logically.

But I would say in this case it’s too late.

You have reminded her of the reasons why she wouldn’t want to be with you.

 

You need to speak to someone whether professionally or a trusted friend about your anger and OTT reactions.

For the next relationship you will enter or you will ruin your chances again and again.

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Unfortunately you are just going through the 'cycles of abuse' ( google it) and she is done with that. She has the support of friends and family as well as some education about it. Get some help before you explode or she gets a restraining order.

 

1: Tension building

Stress builds from the pressures of daily life. During this period, the abuser feels ignored, threatened, annoyed or wronged.

2: Acute violence

During this stage the abuser attempts to dominate their victim. Outbursts of violence and abuse occur which may include verbal abuse and psychological abuse. The abuser may feel or express that the victim "had it coming" to them.

3: Reconciliation/honeymoon

The perpetrator may begin to feel remorse, guilty feelings, or fear that their partner will leave.Characterized by affection, apology, or, alternatively, ignoring the incident, this phase marks an apparent end of violence, with assurances that it will never happen again, or that the abuser will do their best to change.

4: Calm

During this period the abuser may agree to engage in counselling, ask for forgiveness, and create a normal atmosphere.Over time, the abuser's apologies and requests for forgiveness become less sincere and are generally stated to prevent separation or intervention.

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What exactly have you done in the last 2 months to figure out why you are being jealous and controlling? I would guess almost nothing other than the desire to get her back and promise to change.

 

You are insecure which leads to jealous behavior which leads to controlling behavior. Can you blame her for not wanting to be in a relationship with you?

 

It was perfectly fine for you to tell her hanging out with that guy makes you uncomfortable. Sharing your feelings is a good thing but it was totally up to her what she does with that information.

 

From what you wrote it sounds like she was VERY understanding of your feelings and did her best to avoid the guy but that wasn't good enough for you.

 

This is all on you and if you want a chance with this girl you need to seek out some help to figure out why you are so insecure. If you are serious about wanting to be in a relationship with her and actually changing then do something about it. Time has never fixed anything, it just allows us to calm down and perhaps forget details and as you have seen they are easily resurrected.

 

Seeing a therapist would be best but I doubt you will do that so google some books on insecure behaviors, jealously and controlling. Then tell her you know you screwed up and you really want to be with her but you need to figure yourself out so you can be the guy she always wanted.

 

Then read and work your butt off getting your stuff straight. If you don't you will never have a good relationship with anyone...

 

Lost

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Didn't read your other post...I know jealousy can be a natural feeling that just happens. But it's how we respond and react to that feeling that really matters. She can't change the past and that she had a thing with that guy. If he's friends with her friends and he just turned up to a party she was at, it's unreasonable to expect her to leave the party. And unless you guys actually are back together, in all fairness she can do whatever she wants. She can even have sex with that guy if she wants because you're NOT back together. I mean she wasn't actually doing anything with that guy (presumably) except she was just at the same party as him. If you really want to work it out with her then you need to act mature about this.

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"I told her I’m not like that and I chose to react this way because I tried to express how upset I was"

You see, that is the problem. When faced with a stressful situation, you CHOSE to react in a rude and controlling way. That s the habit you have and as you can see, habits die hard. If you had changed, you would not have even thought of chosing this route because you would know that it can only cause further damage in the relationship.

 

You have to learn other ways to express your fears and anger than trying to control her actions. It takes time and practice. You would have to be willing to tolerate the pain and fear of losing her and decide to trust instead. You would have to learn to control your anger by other mean like sports, meditation, engaging in social activities instead of looking at her to ease your pain by changing her behavior.

There is only one person you can control and it is YOU. If you really want to change, inform yourself about abuse, anger management, self confidence and work hard on it.

 

She had a very healthy reaction to your behavior which is to take time away. This is good because you guys should never go back together if the relationship cannot be a healthy one.

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sorry, if you are not officially back together, she should socialize as she pleases. Yes, it would be weird if you were somewhere with people and then some forbidden person shows up. You are supposed to walk out on your friends? You basically are telling her you believe she can't control herself. I think you should stop tormenting this woman and don't date anyone for awhile

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