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Hi everyone,

 

I have been with my ex for 4 years. We’ve been LDR but I get to spend 4-5 months living with him in a year. All this while he’s been the one who’s wanted to make this work - he has talked about the future and a ring. Meanwhile, I was always a bit apprehensive as there were issues like his temper and chronic pain (his sleeping is disrupted and he curses almost middle of every night and I get so worried about it).

 

In Feb this year, he calls me and out of frustration said that we were not working on future plans, and because of LDR we should break up. I agreed with him. A week later, I decided that that was just stupid and called him up to tell him I’d pack my bags and move to be with him and settle down. I sense hesitancy and he says we should be alone for a while to figure out what we want. So of course I was hurt, but I respected that and really left him all alone. He’s checked in with me a month later to ask me how quarantine was going.

 

Here’s a turn of events: I’ve been offered to relocate to his city next month for work. I text him about it and he congratulated me and was wishy washy with replies. I let him be and didn’t confront anything.

 

A few weeks ago, I found out from a mutual friend that we broke up possibly because a girl was in the picture - and possibly moved in immediately, quarantining together. I’m extremely hurt! He’s been so committed to me all this while and my belongings were still there. I also found out that he’s not given themselves a proper status, and that when he heard I was moving to his city, he was very affected by the news.

 

I know this sounds petty, but I saw a photo of the girl and she’s not quite a looker - or his type that I know of! But I’m sure she was there to give him attention when I was not around.

 

I’m not sure if I should confront this and meet up when I’m there or if I should just ignore this all and let it go (that’s been what I’ve been doing so far). I’m angry and hurt, and in shock. Please advice.

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I am so sorry you are hurting, gosh what a way to find things out! He didn't have the decency to even be honest. Take note: He isn't being honest, and he's a coward. He selfishly took on another relationship for his own needs with no regard for you or your feelings. You don't need this guy in your life for any reason.

 

Confront him? if it will give you closure, then yes let him know BUT meet up? what's the point? It will only hurt you more. It's over, be done with it.

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What a terrible shock. I'm so sorry.

 

You don't know for sure that there's someone else living with him but you do know that he is not committed to you anymore and possibly hasn't been for awhile. I'd separate the fiction from the truth for now and deal with the parts you are certain about: He hasn't treated you well and hasn't appeared consistent or committed in the relationship.

 

This should be reason enough to take a step back. Whether he has someone else in the picture is insulting but it's not the point. If he is ready to treat you this way, I'd seriously question how this person could ever give you the love or commitment you seek. He may have had his own reasons but avoiding you was unconscionable.

 

Do you want to move there in the first place? Is this position a lateral move or are you losing any responsibilities or putting your career in jeopardy or is it a step up? Move only if it benefits your career. Whether you confront him or not depends on your career. Do not move there just to confront him. Once the dust settles, you'd have created lasting effects on your career for one impulse move - to confront someone who is already a part of your past. It's your future you should be focused on.

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Sorry to hear this. Do not isolate yourself and move to someone who is 'angry' and possibly has a local gf. He does not want you to move there. Let go. Do not get in a catfight over someone who broke up and is indifferent to you and do not chase, confront or force anything.

there were issues like his temper

 

he says we should be alone for a while to figure out what we want.

my belongings were still there.

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Whoa, I didn’t expect these replies. Thank you so much. I feel less alone and appreciate your perspective - my mind has been spinning so badly thinking about how I should have been better to him, how I could have moved there last year. Your messages make me realise I do deserve better too.

 

I’m hurt and angry at how someone who was so in love with me betrayed me in the end. Does this say a lot about his character?

 

I can’t stop thinking about what he’s doing with her in bed - doing what he used to do with me, and probably right after we broke up. It drives me insane. I will be going to therapy next week.

 

Regarding my career - he lives in a major city; I’m in a small city and we both work for ourselves. I was offered a three year project there, but you’re right, part of me wants to take up the offer as “revenge” to show him what he’s lost. One of the last things he told me was how he felt he’s now at the same level as me in terms of career success (?!) and how he’s worried about my age and if I can bear children (?!? I’m in my early thirties).

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One of the last things he told me was how he felt he’s now at the same level as me in terms of career success (?!) and how he’s worried about my age and if I can bear children (?!? I’m in my early thirties).

 

Whoa, that just shows how insecure he is, by puffing up his ego, and taking stabs at you...good riddance. You have to "show him up." We all know you are doing and always will do better than him.

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I'd be pissed, too. It seems pretty likely that he had this new girl on the back burner for a while.

 

If I were in your shoes, I'd only confront him about it if I was in a good state of mind.

 

Meaning, my hurt feelings were gone and I was able to make career decisions without him being a factor in them.

 

That way, there would be less chance for me to say or do something stupid.

 

It will probably take some time to get there.

 

In the meantime, I think you should focus on yourself.

 

Yes, it says a ton about his character.

 

he’s worried about my age and if I can bear children (?!? I’m in my early thirties).

 

Sounds like he thinks this is all about him.

 

Imagine building a family with someone like this?

 

No thank you.

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I was fantasizing about texting him last night, saying “You selfish coward, you didn’t break up with me cos we had no future plans - I wanted to work things out but you had other plans, like having a girl behind the scenes all along. You think I didn’t know?!” I don’t want to feel stupid afterwards though. So yes perhaps I’ll wait till I’m TOTALLY over him.

 

He has this nice guy image that people around love him for and he’s covering up what happened by telling friends that “we had no future plans” and how I didn’t move over.

 

Thanks for letting me rant here. It’s been hella tough, and I appreciate the support and hope to give back to this community too.

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You split up 3 months ago???

There might be another girl on the scene but you don’t know when it started?

 

Perhaps he did question his feelings for you after meeting another? But you actually have no evidence of that.

 

You agreed to split up with him. You changed your mind and assumed he would too but he didn’t.

 

He is correct in that there were no concrete future plans. You only agreed to make plans once it was an ultimatum of sorts.

 

I don’t think he has necessarily done wrong by you except moved on quicker than you would have liked??

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Gawd, have you been in a long-term relationship before?

 

His good friend who I spoke to said that the breakup happened possibly because there was a girl in the background, who apparently moved in right after we split up. The reason why I agreed to breakup with him was because he sounded so absolute, and I was angry. A week later I called him to work things out. You don’t decide to split once and for all after spending four years together. I questioned if he broke up because there was someone involved and he did not answer me. He hid the fact that someone was involved in this. The last time I saw him was only a month before the breakup, and when I told him I was going to plan a trip to see him (before we broke up), he kept saying I shouldn’t spend too much time and money to go over. I’m only piecing the puzzle pieces together three months later, and I’m in shock as this was someone I absolutely trusted.

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Unfortunately, agree. it seems hes been seeing someone local for a while and did not have the courage to break up sooner. Consider this your ticket to freedom to pursue a happy local relationship.

a girl in the background, who apparently moved in right after we split up.

I questioned if he broke up because there was someone involved and he did not answer me.

I’m only piecing the puzzle pieces together three months later.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thanks LaHermes, and thanks everyone who replied. I’m dealing with a lot of anger, and I apologize if I’ve lashed out.

 

I’m angry that he’s going around telling our friends that we broke up because “we didn’t have a plan”. I gave him a plan! The grand plan was to move over to be with him. But when I told him what I wanted for us, it was, “let’s give ourselves time apart alone and see if we want to be with each other”. I guess that time apart being alone meant sleeping with another woman.

 

Is it normal to be so angry? I found out about all this a month ago. I have not confronted him at all about this. Some days I think about calling him and giving him a piece of my mind, and then I worry about regretting, about losing my cool and dignity.

 

Again, thank you for all your replies. I will try to heal and move on.

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