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I messaged my ex back, did this disempower me?


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I broke up with my ex a week ago and moved out from his place. We were constantly arguing and I said our relationship was toxic, and clearly not going to change. There were good moments too in between these arguments. Even weeks of no arguing, but I was over the walking on eggshells things.

 

As hard as it was to do, I gave him my reasonings and ended the relationship and moved out.

 

He messaged me after a week of no contact, to ok say thanks for returning his tools (I dropped them off at his place when he wasn’t home) saying he misses me so much and hope I was doing ok

 

I replied back saying no problem, of course I miss you too. Hope you’re doing well too.

 

He read my msg and never replied.

 

Please reassure me that my msg wasn’t disempowering in any way. I wanted to reply because I don’t believe in being petty, and I believe we should all be kind when we can.

 

In no way did my msg imply that I regret my decision and that I want him back, right? Cos that isn’t the case.

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How would that disempower you?

 

You already made the decision to end it. That was a pretty empowering move. Why are you so worried about what he thinks of you at this point? I mean that as a genuine question, too.

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How would that disempower you?

 

You already made the decision to end it. That was a pretty empowering move. Why are you so worried about what he thinks of you at this point? I mean that as a genuine question, too.

 

I guess the fact that I replied to him, and admitted that I missed him too. From your interpretation of my response to him, by reciprocating what he said about hope heÂ’s doing well too - that doesnÂ’t in anyway portray that I want him back, and re opening the door right?

 

IÂ’m worried that he thinks I still want him cos I replied to him, but I donÂ’t!

 

Was it in bad taste to say I hope heÂ’s doing well too, when clearly he isnÂ’t cos I broke up with him and I know heÂ’ll be really down about it.

 

Was my reply appropriate and simply just a kind civil response, thatÂ’s all. I feel I would have been more anxious had I didnÂ’t respond at all, as I never wanted to be nasty about this breakup.

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How long were you together ? you were decent civil about the reply, you chose to respect and respond to his message the way you did it. it was not in bad taste at all.

Now the important question, what do you want to do next? if you keep in touch with him that will create false hopes and unnecessarily further awkward situations and possibly lead to more resentments and disappointments. Leave it at that and go about your life, at some stage you will need to block him off so you and him both can heal at their own pace. Being in touch, being civil, respectful etc are all good but give some time and space to heal from this. At the moment you both are fresh out of it and emotions and feelings are all rushing in and out. Head will never be at the right place. Stay away from social media common friends etc it will be tough but will get better slowly. Give yourself lot of time and patience.

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If there is no unfinished business, go no contact. Not to win any sort of ongoing power struggle, but to find peace. Your altruism is misplaced and should not be confused with trying to keep the door open or be friends.

We were constantly arguing and I said our relationship was toxic, and clearly not going to change.

He read my msg and never replied.

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Please reassure me that my msg wasn’t disempowering in any way. I wanted to reply because I don’t believe in being petty, and I believe we should all be kind when we can.

 

No, I think it was totally appropriate and compassionate. The ability to show compassion is a sign of strength, not weakness.

 

by reciprocating what he said about hope he's doing well too - that doesn't in anyway portray that I want him back, and re opening the door right?

 

I'm worried that he thinks I still want him cos I replied to him, but I dont!

 

I don't think it does. But this is his problem, not yours.

 

Was my reply appropriate and simply just a kind civil response, that's all.

Only you know for sure what your motives were! But I don't have any trouble believing that you were simply trying to be civil. Why do you LOL??

 

I feel I would have been more anxious had I didn't respond at all, as I never wanted to be nasty about this breakup.

 

Understandable.

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I could be off base, but I'm under the impression that you're leaving a door open, yet at the same time attempting to think/say otherwise. With that said, maybe it's time to come to terms with what the future would hold if you chose to stay.

 

At any rate your reply to him was polite, but a bit overdone, (imo).

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I could be off base, but I'm under the impression that you're leaving a door open, yet at the same time attempting to think/say otherwise.

 

I'm wondering that, too.

 

Are you still hopeful that he can change, OP?

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It sounds like you feel like you said too much. Do you feel slighted that he didn't respond back or ask further about how things are going with you?

 

If you're feeling jittery, slow your responses next time. Sometimes we respond with emotion and there's residual pain there, heartache and a void. When we say we miss someone there is something missing inside of us that can't be easily replaced or fixed instantly. You shared that moment by reciprocating those words with him and because you both were previously partners or in a relationship, you may have offered comfort to each other at other points in time when times were unsettling or painful. That comfort has ceased as the relationship has ended.

 

If it feels painful and unnatural not to continue after that or to leave the conversation where it is or feel like there's that void again, it's normal and it's healthy to acknowledge it. It's on you now to learn how to be tender towards yourself and heal from that pain. That's why break ups are hard. It's a one-sided job in the aftermath and rebuilding the pieces. It's no longer functioning as a couple but as an individual and caring for yourself as a solo endeavour.

 

You can only empower and disempower yourself. That is also a solo project and these are all mindful ways to process the break up and practice gentleness and kindness towards yourself. How you see yourself in all this is everything. Keep the faith (faith in yourself).

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I think your response was compassionate and honest. I didn't read anymore into it than a kind response to someone you know and cared for deeply at one time.

 

There's no need to be rude to the guy. And you weren't. Of course you miss each other. Thats human. It doesn't mean you want them back.

 

I think its completely expected to second guess oneself in your shoes.... its a lot of change and discomfort. Our brains latch on to stuff....

 

But life will go on. Its ok he didnt respond.... maybe his message was just like yours- compassion and kindness for what it was.

 

Its ok.[emoji4] If he reads any more or any less into it, that's on him. You did not send some subliminal message to him that conveys any kind of weakness or whatever.

 

You are still the master of your fate!

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I'm wondering that, too.

 

Are you still hopeful that he can change, OP?

 

No I don’t ever want to give him another chance because there’s been too many chances before, and things got really bad.

He wasn’t willing to work on himself.

 

That’s what I was worried about, because I didn’t want my msg to imply that I was open to getting back with him.

 

I am thinking now maybe I should delete my FB. We are still FB friends, and his mutual FB friends (his friends not mine), are all on my FB still too. So I was thinking to deactivate FB because I didn’t want to be petty by unfriending him, I just unfollowed him instead

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I think your response was compassionate and honest. I didn't read anymore into it than a kind response to someone you know and cared for deeply at one time.

 

There's no need to be rude to the guy. And you weren't. Of course you miss each other. Thats human. It doesn't mean you want them back.

 

I think its completely expected to second guess oneself in your shoes.... its a lot of change and discomfort. Our brains latch on to stuff....

 

But life will go on. Its ok he didnt respond.... maybe his message was just like yours- compassion and kindness for what it was.

 

Its ok.[emoji4] If he reads any more or any less into it, that's on him. You did not send some subliminal message to him that conveys any kind of weakness or whatever.

 

You are still the master of your fate!

 

Thanks for the reassurance. I think I only second guessed myself because I feel my msg was too nice to him, then I thought to myself once I had already sent it. That the msg was far too nice, and why did he deserve a nice msg, but I just didn’t want to come across mean or cold if I didn’t reply at all.

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How long were you together ? you were decent civil about the reply, you chose to respect and respond to his message the way you did it. it was not in bad taste at all.

Now the important question, what do you want to do next? if you keep in touch with him that will create false hopes and unnecessarily further awkward situations and possibly lead to more resentments and disappointments. Leave it at that and go about your life, at some stage you will need to block him off so you and him both can heal at their own pace. Being in touch, being civil, respectful etc are all good but give some time and space to heal from this. At the moment you both are fresh out of it and emotions and feelings are all rushing in and out. Head will never be at the right place. Stay away from social media common friends etc it will be tough but will get better slowly. Give yourself lot of time and patience.

 

Nearly 3 years, and we lived with each other for one year.

 

I didn’t want to give him the impression that I still want him (because I don’t). I’m done with that chapter of my life, but I did not want to send a mean message.

 

I have no intention of messaging him again or desire to want to talk to him again. I was thinking to de activate FB because to me unfreinding on FB feels petty, so I unfollowed instead. But I’m thinking I will deactivate it for a while, and if he messages me again I just won’t open his message.

 

I hope it wasn’t a mistake by replying to him

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How would you feel if he contacted you today saying he's sorry, he wants to "change" and he wants you back?

 

As far as "disempower", to whom do you fear you lost power? To him?

 

If he messaged me again I don’t think I’ll even bother to open the message. I’m certain that I’m done with this relationship.

 

This is why I worry my reply gave him false hope, or made me look like a fool because of ending it with him then I go and reply with a nice message, that he never replied to.

 

Did my reply imply that I have no intention to speak with him again? I struggled to word the msg because I didn’t want to be nasty or heartless in my reply.

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A cordial uncoupling is certainly less wear and tear than any ongoing rancor. Slowly but surely start deleting, unfollowing, etc all his people. There is no need to worry about how it looks to him or his people. You both and his people surely know you are no longer together and, in fact, would probably think it was weird that you wouldn't delete them or can't let go.

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A cordial uncoupling is certainly less wear and tear than any ongoing rancor. Slowly but surely start deleting, unfollowing, etc all his people. There is no need to worry about how it looks to him or his people. You both and his people surely know you are no longer together and, in fact, would probably think it was weird that you wouldn't delete them or can't let go.

 

I just feel regretful for sending that message and being so 'nice' but I didn't want to be perceived as cold of mean / petty.

 

So my message doesn't contradict my decision at all to end things with him?

 

It didn't send mixed signals to him that I want him back or regret my decision to end things with him? In reality that isn't the case, I am not going to open his message if he ever messages again.

 

He never replied back to my message, which I found strange or is that because my message does signal that I am still done?

 

This was the message 'No worries. Of course I miss you too. I hope you're doing well too'

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Thanks for the reassurance. I think I only second guessed myself because I feel my msg was too nice to him, then I thought to myself once I had already sent it. That the msg was far too nice, and why did he deserve a nice msg, but I just didn’t want to come across mean or cold if I didn’t reply at all.
I totally get that!

 

I can be way too nice for the situation. I have done this more than once! facepalm!

 

But when you feel better about this, in time, you'll realize it doesn't matter.

 

You chose to be nice because you deserve peace, not because he does.

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No, your message didn't "disempower" you. However, going backwards instead of moving forward with your life is counter productive for not only you, him, too.

 

I know both of you still have the emotional pull. Even though my story is not the same as yours, I've done the same thing with resuming contact with 3 people following a major fall out due to character, value and personality incompatibilities. I wanted to salvage relationships that went awry in the past to no avail. We were civil towards one another. However, former innocence in previous relationships had since died. It wasn't the same anymore try as I did. Even my enthusiasm waned and it was my desire to permanently drift apart and fade away. It's time to become realistic.

 

Even though there were good times in the past, again, it's those character flaws, incurable defects, non-shared values, beliefs and personality differences which overshadows any former goodness in a previous relationship. You can't ignore it.

 

Your intentions were good to resume civility and he politely exchanged well mannered words but at this point, you really need to drop it forever. You can't truly heal and recover if you keep resuming ties to a failed relationship. You need to build high self esteem and high self confidence to the point where you want to eliminate toxic, dysfunctional people from your life. Once you're kinder to yourself, it becomes easy because by this time your mind is made up, you are absolute, steadfast and unwavering.

 

I'm at the point where I don't want certain people in my life because of bad memories with them and I'll never forget how some people made me feel which was pained and miserable. I've learned to walk away and that right there is EMPOWERING. I've also enforced healthy boundaries with certain unavoidable people in my life which again is quite EMPOWERING. I'm in control and there's no other feeling that is more liberating.

 

Even though it's difficult, try your best not to get emotional about this because it's your emotions which cause you to become impulsive. Emotions cloud your judgment and emotions override logic and reason. Once you remove emotions out of the equation, you'll become piercingly astute, shrewd and cold in a good way. This new mindset protects you. Change the way you think and then you'll respect yourself. This is what I've done and it has worked wonders.

 

You have regrets which is normal. You can't undo the past. All you can do is become mindful and change yourself from this minute forward.

 

What helps is to remind yourself why you don't want him back. In your mind, highlight his negative traits which you look upon with great disdain. Never be with a man who doesn't treat you with sincere, consistent, HABITUAL respect and love. Any other type of man will give you a miserable life. Think about that and then you'll realize that you made the right, sound decision to leave him and start anew.

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There was nothing in your message that suggests you are leaving a door open. It wasn't the answer he was hoping for and that was "I made a mistake, lets talk." You quickly repeated what he said and then nothing. He gets it, it's done.

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There was nothing in your message that suggests you are leaving a door open. It wasn't the answer he was hoping for and that was "I made a mistake, lets talk." You quickly repeated what he said and then nothing. He gets it, it's done.

 

Thank you, reading this and having that confirmation that my message had no mixed signals what so ever really helps.

 

I think at the end of the day, it is good that the last messages between us were of peace and a civil manner. I never had any intention to be nasty toward him, and I don't believe in being petty.

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“Was it in bad taste to say I hope he’s doing well too, when clearly he isn’t cos I broke up with him and I know he’ll be really down about it. “

 

It sounds to me like you want him to feel bad. And you are worried that your response will make him feel less bad.

 

Sometimes the dumpee feels relieved about the break up , moreso than the dumper.

You felt empowered by leaving him but now you are concerned that he sees you as not so powerful even though he likely wanted it to end as much as you did.

 

It’s natural to miss someone that’s been in your life for so long even if they were not right for you.

He misses you , you miss him.

But I sense that what bothers you most is that he didn’t try win you back. Even though you don’t want him back.

 

He doesn’t want you back either .

Yes he probably does feel better that you said you missed him but that’s all.

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“Was it in bad taste to say I hope he’s doing well too, when clearly he isn’t cos I broke up with him and I know he’ll be really down about it. “

 

It sounds to me like you want him to feel bad. And you are worried that your response will make him feel less bad.

 

Sometimes the dumpee feels relieved about the break up , moreso than the dumper.

You felt empowered by leaving him but now you are concerned that he sees you as not so powerful even though he likely wanted it to end as much as you did.

 

It’s natural to miss someone that’s been in your life for so long even if they were not right for you.

He misses you , you miss him.

But I sense that what bothers you most is that he didn’t try win you back. Even though you don’t want him back.

 

He doesn’t want you back either .

Yes he probably does feel better that you said you missed him but that’s all.

 

I didn’t want him to feel bad.

He ended up messaging me. One day later.

We chatted about me coming over to collect the kitchen things. All the stuff in the kitchen are mine, I thought it would be awkward to take it. He said he wants me to take it.

 

I need kitchen things for my new place but I said to him he can keep it. Plus he lives an hour away, and my sister doesn’t want me near him.

 

We share a mutual friend and it’s his birthday party soon, so that will be interesting. We are both on the Facebook event invite list too!!

 

I guess I won’t be going to that party!

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