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Hi guys. Hope everyone is doing well. Having some coffee this Saturday morning and just feeling the weight of the world or maybe just the weight of my choices and life... Needing to vent and if you have any new perspective or advice, it's welcome.

 

A few years ago, I had my tarot cards read. Not sure if anything came as the reader predicted... But one thing she said that stuck out was, "my life getting smaller." Which at the time I was like, wow! Smaller? I already had a small group of friends, I live in a modest place, I don't have a lot of family... I was single then and I am now. A lot of this is by choice.

 

Over the years, getting on from college and young adulthood, I lost interest in what a lot of people are into. mainly, partying and meaningless interactions and drama. I prefer more meaningful interactions, intellectual pursuits, peace and positivity. I don't like crowds or a lot of hassle. I like to be outside, at home, in a pretty restaurant or traveling. All in all, I am generally happy with a good book or a good friend. Because of this more quiet lifestyle, I have lost touch with some friends.

 

I think we all lose touch or move on at times. That's life. And I am willing to sacrifice quantity for quality. It does hurt though to outgrow people. And I've come to realize that is what is happening again. I have a long time friend that just so self centered and so needy. It feels like, my participation isn't even required. Lol. As long as I don't rock the boat or mention any of the ways I am slighted, all is fine. If I mention a problem, there will be an exchange of words. They will apologize, but never really hear what I am saying and there is no change.

 

This pandemic has been hard on everyone and it has definitely highlighted some cracks in my own life. I regret this friendship. I should have ended it a long time ago. I see now how draining this has all been and how it has held me back. And them. They refuse to grow. And here we go again, I'm being suffocated by this person. Everything is about them. I'm not even in there with them.

 

I have pulled back and didn't say anything.... I don't want to fight. I could be happy with just more boundaries. But this person doesn't have boundaries, only for their own purposes. Their marriage and such for example. But me? My life? "They are my best friend, why didn't I tell them whatever it is...."

 

Yesterday, they asked me if everything was ok. I said (paraphrased) I didn't feel like they weren't treating me right. They said since they're so bad, they wonder why I want to be their friend. Have a good day. (Also paraphrased)

 

Well, touché, right? They didn't ask why I said that. They dismissed what I said and that's pretty much the crux of the problem.

 

I didn't respond.... Later in the day they apologized and wished me a nice weekend.

 

? I didn't respond and I have not figured out when I will....

 

It kills me though. I once wondered how could my life get smaller? Well, now I know. If people don't treat you right, are you just destined be alone or just feel alone while with other people...

 

I just don't know anymore....

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I'm sorry you're feeling so negative. A few quality people/friends/loved ones can make life a lot bigger not smaller. Why measure it by the number of friends or acquaintances? I don't relate to all the desperation in my moms groups for 'mom friends"-and the truth is -when I've reached out to some of these people they are soooo delighted -until they have to put in the effort to actually meet -then it's poof. MIA. And no it's not me at all -it's simply not wanting to do the effort and work that developing a friendship requires. I also stopped connecting people -I know tons of people. I network a lot. I love connecting people but now I limit myself - only if the person is a good friend OR it benefits me to do the connection for my own networking. That way I don't get as frustrated when I email or call someone on someone else's behalf, then share the connection -and never hear from the person again. And I am fairly certain that is the same person who later will claim she has such a hard time finding resources/getting a job, etc - I have to check myself sometimes with this need to "help" because of the frustration that results.

 

I'm sorry you're feeling this way!! I had my tarot cards read in the summer of 1994. I was told I'd meet my husband spring of 1995. Well I actually met him in fall of 1994 and our first date was summer 1995. Hmmmmmm (but we didn't marry till 2008).

 

I hope today is better.

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thank B!

 

I do agree with you. Some people do waste our time and it's not worth it. I didn't mean to say it's the number of friends... i don't know what I mean... Lol. It's like I'm always posting advice about not settling and you'll find better... Am I full of crap?sure most the time it's romantic advice... But it is true of friends, too. Guess I'm just down and feeling alone.

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Feeling for you. Big hugs.

 

I'll muse on some of the larger concepts for a moment before delving into the micro. Best I can see, the experience of living is a cycle of our worlds (interior and exterior) expanding and contracting. Zoom out a bit, and those two opposites are kind of become the same thing, which is the brain explosion emoji we conduct the business of living inside.

 

At 17, for instance, I was deciding on where I wanted to go to school, which came down to California, Connecticut, or New York City—a moment of expansion. I chose New York City—contraction. Once there, of course, there was expansion galore: meeting people, learning the city, discovering a zillion or so new corners of the eternal mystery that is me. It meant "letting go" of a big idea of mine—California!—but lo and behold here I am writing you from...California, having "let go" of New York seven years ago and meandered here through an extended stay in the South. Expand, contract, expand, contract...

 

To your friend? Maybe it is as simple as recognizing, in part under the surgical lights of the pandemic, that this is something that you've long needed to "let go" of. And that's okay, if always painful. Hugs. But maybe it's a version of "letting go" this is also a reset—or a time to contract a bit to make room for new expanding. What that looks like? That's the unknowable part. A new connection out there on the horizon, or a new connection with him/her at a later date, or...

 

My personal belief in people is that all of them, all the time, treat us exactly as "right" as they are capable of. We get people's best, always. One person's "best," of course, may fall far short of our needs or, at a point, stop serving our needs as we expand on the interior—as our own sense of our "best" changes shape, and no longer meets theirs. Not sure if that resonates at all, but I guess it goes back to the idea of expanding and contracting—a.k.a evolving, which is constant. Since we are always changing shape—slightly, extremely, depending on the day—it's inevitable that the puzzle pieces of our lives change as well, with some pieces/people no longer fitting as they once did.

 

But, of course, that's a lot of fancy talk to say: big hugs to you.

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Thanks Blue!

 

You make good points. And help me remember it's a journey. one door closes, anther opens, or it opens again. So true about people doing their best... It's hard to always see that. You know, we all make mistakes and we do the best with what we got....

 

I guess at the end of the day, I have to look at my own life and do the things I think are best for me. And while I blame this person for being less than what I need in a friend... That's not really the point. They're sorry. Ok I can forgive and all that... No need to be mad and I'm not. But we're kind of at cross roads here and it's like how does a person become less self centered? That's not me to address.

 

Thanks for reminding me of the ebb and flow of life.... Maybe it's this pandemic. Feeling like nothing will change. Like this is how I'm destined to be for the next, "however many years this old gal got. " Hahaha

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My world is way too big right now on Facebook -so many concerning and dramatic posts about the looting and violence and protests. So many high emotions. I don't see it as a helpful format on which to express opinions or emotions especially in this situation. I want my world to be big as far as contributing and smaller as far as less of this venting and agitating - without action or trying to come together to take necessary actions.

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A few quality people/friends/loved ones can make life a lot bigger not smaller.

 

I think this is a great point.

 

And to go further along this same line of thinking: It sounds like this friend of yours was actually making your life smaller with the guilt and the slights.

 

You actually even described this relationship as suffocating. Do you realize that? I mean, suffocation has got to be the ultimate manifestation of too small.

 

I'm being suffocated by this person.

 

From what you describe, there is literally no room for you in this friendship.

 

It feels like, my participation isn't even required.

 

I'm not even in there with them.

 

Sometimes a cage can feel like a safe place. It can feel so safe, in fact, that you don't even recognize that you're in a cage.

 

There's a story circulating around on the web about a tiger named Mohini, who was presented as a gift to President Eisenhower.

 

I am not sure of how much is actually true, but the story seems pretty plausible--it's definitely relatable--and to me it seems like a representation of the situation you're facing.

 

Here's one version:

 

For years, Mohini lived in the Washington Zoo and spent her days pacing back and forth in a 12-by-12 foot cage. Finally the zoo decided to build her a larger cage so Mohini could run, climb and explore. But when Mohini arrived at her new home, she didn’t rush out, eagerly adapting to her new habitat. Rather, she marked off a 12-by-12 foot square for herself, and paced there until her death, never enjoying the new opportunities in front of her. Mohini exemplifies the classic conditioning most of us live within. Although she was a magnificent, powerful creature, Mohini was convinced her “place” was just a 12-by-12 foot square. We all have the propensity to behave exactly like Mohini. Based on our conditioning, we create invisible cages for ourselves, limiting our lives within their boundaries. But we don’t have to succumb to our internal imprisonment.

 

https://www.bethshalombluehills.org/2015/08/20/mohini-the-white-tiger/

 

I think you may be stepping out of a cage. Your world is getting bigger, not smaller. That can be overwhelming and disorienting.

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I was wondering how living alone or having few friends make life smaller

does a movie star or lead singer of a famous rock band who has so many admirers friends followers around the world lead a larger life going by math. But why do few of them end up dying with overdoze of stuff and suffer from all kinda psychological issues.

growing through the years we end up with a handful of friends only.

Even relationships fade away, few remain.We grow we learn sometimes life tests our resilience our learnings through its ups and downs, all a test, this pandemic is one such test.

Some people dont need to be part of our journey, yes we love them but they dont really help us grow in our life, they dont care much, but do they define us who we are, we are who we are what we learn the knowledge we get through all these experiences, nothing can change that. These are all that we have in the end, we are alone with these learnings and experiences so maybe this is what that makes it smaller. Am alone at home today for last 2 months, looking back at a life that has many downs than ups but whatever i achieved my home car taking care of my mom my engg degree all working hard with my own money but this space is mine all the decisions of leaving some people in life are all mine. Not living a larger life but isnt this enough it is i feel, this is what we choose this is what defines us even if it is smaller or larger it is what is.

Just think we need to be grateful for the people and the experiences and life in general, a pandemic today or tomorrow will not take that away from us.

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I hear you on the social media. That's I am not on it. I appreciate what you mean... What's the value in posting, if your everyday life doesn't contribute to a more just and understanding world.

 

Thinking of life in terms of big or small... It is interesting. And not my own words... It was from that tarot card reader. Maybe smaller leads people to think less but, there is another side to that coin... Good things come in small packages.

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I think this is a great point.

 

And to go further along this same line of thinking: It sounds like this friend of yours was actually making your life smaller with the guilt and the slights.

 

You actually even described this relationship as suffocating. Do you realize that? I mean, suffocation has got to be the ultimate manifestation of too small.

 

 

 

From what you describe, there is literally no room for you in this friendship.

 

 

 

 

 

Sometimes a cage can feel like a safe place. It can feel so safe, in fact, that you don't even recognize that you're in a cage.

 

There's a story circulating around on the web about a tiger named Mohini, who was presented as a gift to President Eisenhower.

 

I am not sure of how much is actually true, but the story seems pretty plausible--it's definitely relatable--and to me it seems like a representation of the situation you're facing.

 

Here's one version:

 

 

 

I think you may be stepping out of a cage. Your world is getting bigger, not smaller. That can be overwhelming and disorienting.

 

Thanks, Jibs! I know... I picked those words because they express my dire need to stop being in this situation... And my acknowledgement of how I actually feel.

 

I know this friend would be very upset to know these terms I am using. And the disturbing part is, they would focus on how someone saying those words about them makes THEM feel. Not, the OMG what do you mean? How can I rectify the situation.

 

Maybe I am coming out of a cage. Maybe I am realizing the friendship was defining me in a way I don't want anymore. I've been in someone else's shadow, a tambourine player to someone else's band if you will.... Haha

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I was wondering how living alone or having few friends make life smaller

does a movie star or lead singer of a famous rock band who has so many admirers friends followers around the world lead a larger life going by math. But why do few of them end up dying with overdoze of stuff and suffer from all kinda psychological issues.

growing through the years we end up with a handful of friends only.

Even relationships fade away, few remain.We grow we learn sometimes life tests our resilience our learnings through its ups and downs, all a test, this pandemic is one such test.

Some people dont need to be part of our journey, yes we love them but they dont really help us grow in our life, they dont care much, but do they define us who we are, we are who we are what we learn the knowledge we get through all these experiences, nothing can change that. These are all that we have in the end, we are alone with these learnings and experiences so maybe this is what that makes it smaller. Am alone at home today for last 2 months, looking back at a life that has many downs than ups but whatever i achieved my home car taking care of my mom my engg degree all working hard with my own money but this space is mine all the decisions of leaving some people in life are all mine. Not living a larger life but isnt this enough it is i feel, this is what we choose this is what defines us even if it is smaller or larger it is what is.

Just think we need to be grateful for the people and the experiences and life in general, a pandemic today or tomorrow will not take that away from us.

 

thanks, spawn! I agree gratitude for the journey, the good, bad, ugly... Is key because it all leads us to the lessons we must learn.

 

I think the bolded part of what you said struck me the most.... I do feel supporting, nurturing and soothing this friend's own insecurities and needs for validation and attention has influenced and defined so many of my own responses and actions to her. some of which are against my own ideas. Like why do I have to baby this person? Why can't they grow and evolve as a person to handle stuff on their own? As we all, as adults must do.... Why can't they be an equal participants, respecting and acknowledging the other person has needs too

 

The excuses, the claims of weakness, inability, over emotional responses are all just manipulations at this point. They will be fine. Just as I will. They only offer apologies and excuses... No attempts to change or even acknowledge the need for change.

 

Maybe as a friend, I lowered the standard or however we want to say, as no one is perfect and tolerated this for too long....

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A good friend is like a four-leaf clover; hard to find and lucky to have. (Irish Proverb)

 

I know exactly what you mean by the "self-centred and needy" (to which you might add passive-aggressive).

Give such people a wide berth, always. Let them in and they'll dog your heels like an unhealthy shadow.

 

Not everyone is like the "friend" you described, Lambert.

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A good friend is like a four-leaf clover; hard to find and lucky to have. (Irish Proverb)

 

I know exactly what you mean by the "self-centred and needy" (to which you might add passive-aggressive).

Give such people a wide berth, always. Let them in and they'll dog your heels like an unhealthy shadow.

 

Not everyone is like the "friend" you described, Lambert.

 

So true.... The passive aggressive.... I think when we met we were much younger and I've just evolved past a lot of this old behavior. I've definitely had falling outs with them before and it's always been just easier to forgive and forget. Because in general, I'm a live and let live. Which is both a blessing and a curse... Accepting people as they are used to be something I valued. Now I'm kind of like, please be you over there. Hahah

 

I wish I could just distance myself from this friend, be more acquaintances. However, the suffocation, as jibralta, pointed out, makes that a challenge in itself.

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Aaah Lambert. You ask:

 

"Like why do I have to baby this person? Why can't they grow and evolve as a person to handle stuff on their own? As we all, as adults must do.... Why can't they be an equal participants, respecting and acknowledging the other person has needs too

"

 

Possibly because this person has always used others as crutches and has never (for whatever reasons) learnt to be an adult. Such people are actually dangerous in the sense that they stealthily move in on your space and grip you like ivy. And ivy has a habit of throttling what it invades. So, the remedy to be applied is much as you would use if ridding a place of ivy. Quite hard work, particularly getting the roots out!

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Aaah Lambert. You ask:

 

"Like why do I have to baby this person? Why can't they grow and evolve as a person to handle stuff on their own? As we all, as adults must do.... Why can't they be an equal participants, respecting and acknowledging the other person has needs too

"

 

Possibly because this person has always used others as crutches and has never (for whatever reasons) learnt to be an adult. Such people are actually dangerous in the sense that they stealthily move in on your space and grip you like ivy. And ivy has a habit of throttling what it invades. So, the remedy to be applied is much as you would use if ridding a place of ivy. Quite hard work, particularly getting the roots out!

 

 

I know right! You are exactly right.... I have not heard from them today... But it's not the end. There's going to be some real passive aggressive BS coming from that direction at some point.

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Hey Lambert,

 

Everyone has a different definition of what a friendship is as we all value different things. But getting down to brass tacks: If spending time with someone doesn't make you feel good, then they are not worth having around. Sounds harsh, but reality is we want to be surrounded with people who lift us up and add value to our life. I do believe that life is a roller-coaster thus friends who are going through a difficult season will temporarily behave differently.

 

From what you told us, it seems that at this point your friend isn't adding value to your life.

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Hey Lambert,

 

Everyone has a different definition of what a friendship is as we all value different things. But getting down to brass tacks: If spending time with someone doesn't make you feel good, then they are not worth having around. Sounds harsh, but reality is we want to be surrounded with people who lift us up and add value to our life. I do believe that life is a roller-coaster thus friends who are going through a difficult season will temporarily behave differently.

 

From what you told us, it seems that at this point your friend isn't adding value to your life.

 

hey green

 

thanks for the reply.... I agree. Not everyone is meant to stay. And when things start to hurt us more than comfort us, then its time to step back.

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That doesn't sound like a good friend or a good listener. It's ok to let go. There may also be periods in time where people drift to sort things in their own lives. I've never been a big believer of being joined at the hip to friends. Learning to give each other a healthy distance is important to me. I'm poor with daily and weekly updates not for lack of caring but due to not much to report back, quite frankly, and my family keeps me busy and on my toes. There's a time and place for everything. Good friendships know when to ease off and give each other space.

 

Try not to take the 'your life will get smaller' comment to heart. It's a negative comment overall and bound to make anyone think or reflect negatively on themselves, wondering what they could possibly do to deserve a comment like that. Maybe the tarot reader's third eye was slowly growing cataracts and her overall view was getting smaller?

 

Feel better soon.

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I once wondered how could my life get smaller? Well, now I know. If people don't treat you right, are you just destined be alone or just feel alone while with other people...

 

I'm going through the same thing with a friend who I've loved since we were babies.

 

People do not grow at the same rate in the same areas. This doesn't make either person a villain, but it also doesn't mean that remaining entrenched in the ways that may have served us before are necessarily heathy today. That's when divergence is not only okay, it's often for the best.

 

This is not the same thing as trashing away someone we love. Often, it's just about putting things on 'pause' despite a connection of the heart.

 

With romance it's easy to see how we can't always choose who we love, but we can recognize that it's smarter to love from far away. Well, you're seeing how that can translate into friendships as well.

 

We don't need to have a knock-down-drag-out fight in order to 'break up' with a friend. Sometimes we can just see a misalignment with our priorities at a given time and avoid pursuing the connection as frequently or to the degree that has become habitual.

 

In my own case, I've noticed the same self-centeredness that you've described. It feels draining and chore-like to maintain the kind of contact we've kept up during this lockdown. So I'll step back and let her do the same. If she wants to pursue contact, I'll be kind, but I'll also limit my time and skip my own investment in keeping up the pretense of a balance that I've come to recognize is not there. If she doesn't pursue, then that makes it easier for me to decathect and decide later whether and how much I want to invest my own efforts--or not.

 

There is no shame in making a 'smaller' life in order to decide who and what matters to you--and who and what does not. The same merry-go-round will still be there later whenever you want to jump back on it again--or not. Bigger is only better when it's your private choice to go there, and smaller can be healthy to the degree that self-preoccupation doesn't make you fragile or sad.

 

Head high.

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That doesn't sound like a good friend or a good listener. It's ok to let go. There may also be periods in time where people drift to sort things in their own lives. I've never been a big believer of being joined at the hip to friends. Learning to give each other a healthy distance is important to me. I'm poor with daily and weekly updates not for lack of caring but due to not much to report back, quite frankly, and my family keeps me busy and on my toes. There's a time and place for everything. Good friendships know when to ease off and give each other space.

 

Try not to take the 'your life will get smaller' comment to heart. It's a negative comment overall and bound to make anyone think or reflect negatively on themselves, wondering what they could possibly do to deserve a comment like that. Maybe the tarot reader's third eye was slowly growing cataracts and her overall view was getting smaller?

 

Feel better soon.

 

Thank you, Rose... I greatly appreciate your comment to disregard the tarot reader's comment. I don't know why I latched on to that... Not much else she said was true or came to be either. So yeah, you're right... I am doing what's right for me. And I also agree with healthy distance. I don't know how this one friendship got into this bad boundary zone. Maybe due to the length of the friendship.... But at the very least some change and space is needed.

Edited by Lambert
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I'm going through the same thing with a friend who I've loved since we were babies.

 

People do not grow at the same rate in the same areas. This doesn't make either person a villain, but it also doesn't mean that remaining entrenched in the ways that may have served us before are necessarily heathy today. That's when divergence is not only okay, it's often for the best.

 

This is not the same thing as trashing away someone we love. Often, it's just about putting things on 'pause' despite a connection of the heart.

 

With romance it's easy to see how we can't always choose who we love, but we can recognize that it's smarter to love from far away. Well, you're seeing how that can translate into friendships as well.

 

We don't need to have a knock-down-drag-out fight in order to 'break up' with a friend. Sometimes we can just see a misalignment with our priorities at a given time and avoid pursuing the connection as frequently or to the degree that has become habitual.

 

In my own case, I've noticed the same self-centeredness that you've described. It feels draining and chore-like to maintain the kind of contact we've kept up during this lockdown. So I'll step back and let her do the same. If she wants to pursue contact, I'll be kind, but I'll also limit my time and skip my own investment in keeping up the pretense of a balance that I've come to recognize is not there. If she doesn't pursue, then that makes it easier for me to decathect and decide later whether and how much I want to invest my own efforts--or not.

 

There is no shame in making a 'smaller' life in order to decide who and what matters to you--and who and what does not. The same merry-go-round will still be there later whenever you want to jump back on it again--or not. Bigger is only better when it's your private choice to go there, and smaller can be healthy to the degree that self-preoccupation doesn't make you fragile or sad.

 

Head high.

 

Thanks CF! I wish I could have just continued pulling back and let a natural distance happen... But when they asked, I could not be fake and pretend.... Up to that point, I was being polite but distant. But then again, I feel better that it's out in the open. And whatever happens next, so be it.

 

I know they will continue to have a great life. I don't want to bash anyone. I'm not saying what they talk about is better or worse than the stuff I talk about... I just feel I put a lot more effort into to listening while they're talking things out, offering suggestions or strategies to try, and just generally validating what they says. And I just don't get that back. Fortunately, I have a few other friends that do support me back. I enjoy that time spent much more. They are more what I want my life to be... And that's just the truth.

 

Good luck with your friend, too. It's not easy, but it sounds like we both know what needs to happen. And that's a good thing...

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Thanks CF! I wish I could have just continued pulling back and let a natural distance happen... But when they asked, I could not be fake and pretend.... Up to that point, I was being polite but distant. But then again, I feel better that it's out in the open. And whatever happens next, so be it.

 

I know they will continue to have a great life. I don't want to bash anyone. I'm not saying what they talk about is better or worse than the stuff I talk about... I just feel I put a lot more effort into to listening while they're talking things out, offering suggestions or strategies to try, and just generally validating what they says. And I just don't get that back. Fortunately, I have a few other friends that do support me back. I enjoy that time spent much more. They are more what I want my life to be... And that's just the truth.

 

Good luck with your friend, too. It's not easy, but it sounds like we both know what needs to happen. And that's a good thing...

 

So glad to hear that you do have friends who ARE supportive and invested. I do, too. It's just been an eye opening contrast with one who would interrupt my musings about possibly losing a job that I've loved for many years over how her toenail polish looks at the moment.

 

Uhm... that told me something important. Whether it was a temporary lapse in her judgment or an ongoing one in mine ... that will work itself out.

 

Head high, honey. WE care. (((Safe HUG)))

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The pandemic has been so difficult for many: loss of life and employment, and isolation from loved ones and life.

 

There has been some positive, as it has given us plenty of time to reflect on what is good and bad within our lives. See this as a positive and extricate this individual who brings little and takes a lot. She sounds selfish, manipulative, passive aggressive, and an all around poor friend. Take this time to let her fade away, as it will make your life much bigger.

Edited by Hollyj
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Thanks CF! I wish I could have just continued pulling back and let a natural distance happen... But when they asked, I could not be fake and pretend.... Up to that point, I was being polite but distant. But then again, I feel better that it's out in the open. And whatever happens next, so be it.

 

I know they will continue to have a great life. I don't want to bash anyone. I'm not saying what they talk about is better or worse than the stuff I talk about... I just feel I put a lot more effort into to listening while they're talking things out, offering suggestions or strategies to try, and just generally validating what they says. And I just don't get that back. Fortunately, I have a few other friends that do support me back. I enjoy that time spent much more. They are more what I want my life to be... And that's just the truth.

 

Good luck with your friend, too. It's not easy, but it sounds like we both know what needs to happen. And that's a good thing...

 

Is it possible you're making the understandable mistake that the way you act in a caring way is not the way others choose to?

 

Example. I take out the garbage in our house. It's really annoying lately because with the virus I have to be extra careful with the door handles/trash handle in the incinerator room. And we're all home so I have to do it more often. My husband makes it a point to make sure that by the time I return -less than a minute later -there is already a clean bag in the kitchen garbage can. He thinks this is really thoughtful of him and "team work". It is!! And the truth is he would take out the garbage if I asked and I also know it's not his favorite thing to do (he does other things). So. My point is - I see it as imbalanced - I go through the manual labor of collecting and going out with the garbage and he just puts the bag in ASAP so I can wash my hands and perhaps discard a paper towel in the lined garbage can.

 

Had he not mentioned to me once casually how he see this as team work I might have started to resent the extra work and wondered why he wasn't offering to take it out. I picked this example because it's mundane, it's about garbage, it lacks depth (other than my garbage can's depth and my husband's skill at getting the liner alllll the way to the bottom) - but it shows how you need to think about your expectations differently from how others view the dynamic. Like, perhaps your friends think you enjoy the advice-giver/validator role and perhaps at least one feels like she tried to take that role with you and it wasn't effective -you may have brushed her off nicely with "oh thanks but I'm fine". Just consider it.

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