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I lost interest before the 1st date, should I keep my promise and at least go?


stuka80
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OP, you titled this thread with "lost interest." What is the point of this date if you have lost interest?

 

My sense is you haven't actually lost interest, but are hoping she does something to "prove" herself to you, because your ego took a kicking when she didn't reply until morning.

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You have already decided that you are not interested. You have a right to that.

She also has a right to know that.

At this point there is a date made. She still intends on going. But she probably wouldn’t go if she knew it was not a date but you basically turning up just because you said you would at some point!?

 

You have made a LOT of assumptions about her!! With no evidence to back it up.

Apparently you know where she was from 5pm until 7am and you also know that she would have been on her phone.

And only after a week of chatting???

 

She DID apologise for the late reply and no she did NOT have to give reason why.

 

For all you know she possibly was on her phone all night but no you were not priority. And do you not think that there might have been a viable reason for that??? A family member unwell etc? And something she doesn’t want to share with someone she hasn’t even been on a date with??

 

Would you rather she concoct some bs story as to why she hasn’t got back sooner?

 

You are the one playing games here.

You have said if she became suggestive of more than friends in your supposed good guy sympathy date then you might reconsider!???

 

I think she deserves better than that. And I think she deserves for you to reveal your current opinion of her so that she can choose to cancel the date .

 

With that said , my advice would be to tell her how pissed off you were that she took 14 hrs to respond to a text . Tell her you don’t appreciate it. That you have now lost interest but that you are still willing to honour your word and turn up for the date but only to tell her you are not interested unless she comes on strong romantically.

 

You are too high maintenance .

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I can see why you think she’s playing games with the late response but you won’t know anything until you actually go on the date. I think it’s worth checking out, I just suggest you go not to reject but go with an open mind and heart. You may be pleasantly surprised. I mean there’s that off chance she couldn’t get back to you right away. Also if the messages showed unread that’s better then showing read and no response.

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Since you are already convinced that she was playing mind games with you and lost interest in her, I would cancel the date. I won't consider it flaking if you have a good reason and let her know well in advance. Tell her as soon as possible so she can make other arrangements.

 

The alternative (still going on the date but act platonic) sounds disingenuous and just a waste of her time. At least you should let her know that you see this (lunch? coffee? whatever activities) as just friends hanging out. She might as well decide she's not interested in that case.

 

Approaching the date with a "I don't care if she's put off, I'm done, but if she makes a move things might change." attitude is counterproductive. If she makes a move during the date and starts chasing you will it change your opinion about her "playing mind games"? If so, it sounds contradictory to your high standards. And chance is, a woman who will tolerate your hot and cold behavior and fall to this push-pull dynamic is likely one that is capable of playing mind games. Yes, going on a "date" with no romantic intentions just waiting to see what the other has to offer sounds like playing mind games to me too.

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You have no evidence she was playing hard to get. She could have had a migraine or the stomach flu and being on her phone would've been the last thing she wanted to do. She could have had a friend come over with a serious problem, and spent hours getting her friend through something, and then dropped into bed, emotionally exhausted. Those are reasons she wouldn't want to burden you with, and that would've been okay. If it were me, I would've gone on to date her and have a wait and see attitude to see what her patterns were, instead of making assumptions and rejecting her outright.

 

I met my husband on OLD, and before meeting him, had made a few assumptions about him, knowing they could be wrong, and decided to meet him. It's a good thing I did, because my assumptions were only that and not reality. I wouldn't have the happy life I do now with my wonderful lifetime partner if I had rejected him because of false assumptions I'd made.

 

If you can't go on the date without anger and aloofness, speaking as a woman, if I knew what was going on in your mind, I'd rather you cancel the date. You think it's more ethical not to flake. It's not. Don't waste her time. Let her know by a phone call or in person that for personal reasons, you find it best not to date right now.

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I think you should definitely cancel.

 

I've always been the type that feel obligated to do what i say i'm going to do so i feel like i should at least go on that date that i arranged with her and after that just part ways. Or should i just let her know that i've had second thoughts and think its best if we just cut our losses now and just go our separate ways? Responses would be appreciated, thanks in advance.

 

If you go on a date with her, it will be a statement that you are interested. And you are no longer interested.

 

let her know that i've had second thoughts and think its best if we just cut our losses now and just go our separate ways?

 

I guess so.

 

Frankly, whether you cancel the date or not, I don't think there's anything you can say or do that won't make you look like a lunatic.

 

You've overreacted to some innocuous human behavior, translating it into some sign of disrespect or personal insult, and have "lost interest" as some form of punishment.

 

I texted her something around 5pm and she didn't get back to me at all until 7am the next morning.

 

I know for a fact she was not busy and was just at home during those hours and the messages showed that they were not read at all. There is no way she did not look at her phone during those 14 hours or at least before she went to bed so i suspect she purposely ignored my messages for whatever reason.

 

She replied at 7am saying sorry for the late reply but didn't offer any type of reason and just made a joke about it.

 

I dont really care if she was busy, it doesnt take long to at least respond before going to bed. If she actually gave me a reason though, i would've just let it go, but she didn't.

 

I knew she was just at home and will be on her phone so as i mentioned i can't help but feel she deliberately ignored my messages for possibly whatever stupid mind games people like to play when they're dating.

 

It really doesn't make you look good.

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Why waste her time? I don't personally feel a sense of obligation to meet a stranger. I wouldn't stand anyone up, but I would cancel out of courtesy to them if I'd be wasting their time because I'm no longer interested.

 

You're right about your reason being irrelevant. Plenty of people are multi-dating and end up cancelling on strangers in favor of investing their time instead into someone or something that matters to them.

 

As for living by a one-strike-you're-out rule, it's not against the law. You can do that if you want, it's just a form of fragility that isn't likely to gain you many reasonably good relationships or any degree of resilience in dealing with perfectly fallible humans.

 

If that's okay with you, who are we to argue?

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I think it’s worth checking out, I just suggest you go not to reject but go with an open mind and heart. You may be pleasantly surprised. I mean there’s that off chance she couldn’t get back to you right away. Also if the messages showed unread that’s better then showing read and no response.

 

I've already rejected but i will go with an open mind depending on the direction of the date as i mentioned previously. This is the course of action i'm planning on taking. I agree with unread message being better than read, however as i mentioned the circumstances was what didnt sit well with me. She had been on her phone and DELIBERATELY didn't read my message was it to deliberately keep me waiting? I dont know since she didn't offer any reasons i'll have to come up with my own conclusions.

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The alternative (still going on the date but act platonic) sounds disingenuous and just a waste of her time. At least you should let her know that you see this (lunch? coffee? whatever activities) as just friends hanging out. She might as well decide she's not interested in that case.

 

You're right it does sound disingenuous, i will probably have to just cancel and let her know i reconsidered.

 

If she makes a move during the date and starts chasing you will it change your opinion about her "playing mind games"? If so, it sounds contradictory to your high standards. And chance is, a woman who will tolerate your hot and cold behavior and fall to this push-pull dynamic is likely one that is capable of playing mind games. Yes, going on a "date" with no romantic intentions just waiting to see what the other has to offer sounds like playing mind games to me too.

 

i'm already set with no romantic intentions, but i was going to keep an open mind to see if for example, she offers an explanation or shows strong interest. the 2nd part is just a confirmation that she is actually interested and that she wasn't just stringing me along because aside from actually accepting the date, she has been kind of ambiguous, meaning i'm the one always initiating anything so the late reply was a bit of a reinforcement on the "not really into him" side and i wanna see if thats truly the case in the date.

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You have no evidence she was playing hard to get. She could have had a migraine or the stomach flu and being on her phone would've been the last thing she wanted to do. She could have had a friend come over with a serious problem, and spent hours getting her friend through something, and then dropped into bed, emotionally exhausted. Those are reasons she wouldn't want to burden you with, and that would've been okay. If it were me, I would've gone on to date her and have a wait and see attitude to see what her patterns were, instead of making assumptions and rejecting her outright.

 

True, but she gave no explanations, instead made a joke about it so i'll have to come up with my own conclusions. Seeing as its a first impression scenario, I would've at least given the other person a reason why i stopped responding mid conversation. I was even thinking something might've happened to her because it just seemed so out of place to suddenly stop reading my texts and responding for the rest of the day.

 

If you can't go on the date without anger and aloofness, speaking as a woman, if I knew what was going on in your mind, I'd rather you cancel the date. You think it's more ethical not to flake. It's not. Don't waste her time. Let her know by a phone call or in person that for personal reasons, you find it best not to date right now.

 

I have no anger towards her, I'm just accepting that thats how it is and i'm moving on. after she responded in the morning and i had the time to process what happened thats the only time when i got angry. After that is when my enthusiasm for going out with her completely dropped off and decided i was done. I think you're right though, it seems worse going on the date with each other under different impressions, i will most likely have to cancel it.

Edited by stuka80
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Sounds like you've got some paranoia or a persecution complex because she didnt reply fast enough.

 

If its just she doesn't reply fast enough, then i'd agree with you, she's taken a couple hours to reply before and it never bothered me, didn't even give it a second thought. however the circumstances this time are different.

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Why waste her time? I don't personally feel a sense of obligation to meet a stranger. I wouldn't stand anyone up, but I would cancel out of courtesy to them if I'd be wasting their time because I'm no longer interested.

 

She's not a stranger but yea you're right, i will be cancelling the date and just explain to her i've reconsidered.

 

As for living by a one-strike-you're-out rule, it's not against the law. You can do that if you want, it's just a form of fragility that isn't likely to gain you many reasonably good relationships or any degree of resilience in dealing with perfectly fallible humans.

 

If that's okay with you, who are we to argue?

 

the "one strike you're out" rule only applies to this one incident because we haven't even gone on 1 date yet. and yet i still would've been ok with it if she actually gave me a reason, leaving me hanging mid convo without an explanation given. Does she owe me one? no, but it gave a bad 1st impression. If this happened a few dates in, i would've given her the benefit of the doubt or not even consider it an issue.

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Alot of people here seem to think that i have some type of paranoia or i'm crazy cause i got mad that she didn't respond to my text fast enough. They dont seem to realize it was the circumstances under which it happened. IF we had not texted each other for some hours, then i send a random text and she didn't reply or even look at it for 14 hours I would completely understand and wouldn't cause an issue. Its pretty understandable why she didn't respond for 14 hours. She wasn't expecting a text at the time so didn't check her phone, perfectly reasonable conclusion, one i would completely understand.

 

HOWEVER we had already exchanged a few texts back and forth at that moment when the reply or even viewing the message suddenly stopped. Something significant must've happened for her to suddenly be busy enough not to be on her phone at all for the rest of the day right? Thats what my train of thought was at least. after 14 hours i started thinking that maybe there is some kind of issue going on or god forbid she got hurt(not because im arrogantly thinking she would respond to me instantly, but because the situation overall just seemed off, who suddenly stops responding in that type of situation unless the person just doesnt care enough to or is playing games) but the next day, as i was expecting her to tell me something crazy had happened she just said sorry and followed up with a joke....ok... i'll have to just make assumptions.

 

Based on people's responses, I've decided to go ahead and cancel the date, i'll just tell her that i reconsidered and i dont think it'll work out between us. thanks for the responses, it was appreciated.

Edited by stuka80
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I agree with this. There's no reason why you'd take so long to reply if you're actually keen on giving a good impression of yourself.

 

thats my thought exactly.

 

Yes, some people take ages to reply and others are OK with that, but others do not do that. If you see it as disrespectful you have the right to make the choice for yourself that you'd rather date someone else and you don't need to give an explanation, just as she didn't give one for not replying.

 

The thing is i'm perfectly fine when people take ages to responed if thats how they are. but in this situation it seemed she did it deliberately, that is what i take issue with. However, if she does ask why i'm cancelling the date i'll at least tell her.

Edited by stuka80
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OP, you titled this thread with "lost interest." What is the point of this date if you have lost interest?

 

as i mentioned, i try to do what i say im gonna do so i made that date with her, i intended to keep it despite my personal feelings towards wanting to or not.

 

My sense is you haven't actually lost interest, but are hoping she does something to "prove" herself to you, because your ego took a kicking when she didn't reply until morning.

 

I wasn't drawn to her looks(as i've mentioned we'd been coworkers and nothing about her stood out for me physically, looks wise she's average, i never gave her a second thought until recently when we happened to interact during lunchtime) it was her personality that i was drawn to and made me want to pursue something more. Since the reason for attraction went down the tube so has my interest. i'm not hoping at all, i would have to care for that hope to be there, i honestly dont care anymore. im not saying it lightly when i say i cut out bs, especially from people who are not part of my life in a meaningful way. i have no problems walking away from people at all, based on my past experience its better than putting up with the bs to somehow get something out of it. im just sitting back and seeing if she does make up for that disrespect, if not oh well if she does, great we can start over. however i've decided to cancel anyway based on what people have been saying around here.

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"I lost interest before the 1st date"

 

^^^ this is your answer - plain and simple. If your heart is not in it, don't force yourself. You are not obligated to go. If you do, you will more likely give off negative vibes. That will serve no purpose for either one of you.

 

Simple, right?

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"I lost interest before the 1st date"

 

^^^ this is your answer - plain and simple. If your heart is not in it, don't force yourself. You are not obligated to go. If you do, you will more likely give off negative vibes. That will serve no purpose for either one of you.

 

Simple, right?

 

yes, you're right, my conscious thought of trying to be a person with integrity and doing what i say i'm gonna do is what causing me to decide to just go on the date and after that going our separate ways, but after reading a few responses, i believe it is actually better to just be honest with her and cancel rather than go on that date and giving her a false impression of it.

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This is the course of action i'm planning on taking. I agree with unread message being better than read, however as i mentioned the circumstances was what didnt sit well with me. She had been on her phone and DELIBERATELY didn't read my message was it to deliberately keep me waiting?

 

How exactly do know this to be fact?

Serious question

Is it possible she was on a date and it would have been rude to respond to you in the middle of it? Or on a zoom call, or talking to someone else.

Just let it go. At this point you seem to just be shyt testing her. You referred to online articles about gauging attraction by their response.

This seems to be sending you down the wrong path. You aren't being open minded nor flexible which is required when you date

If I were her and found out you got this twisted over the prompt response you felt entitled to, I'd pass.

Your entitled to your standards, but I doubt they'll serve you well.

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You know for a fact she looked at her phone and deliberately chose to ignore your message? How do you know this?

 

And, you've concluded she's "playing games" or "testing" you. Again, how do you know this?

 

"I can't believe she didn't look at her phone" isn't concrete proof.

 

However, seeing as you've arrived at these conclusions and believe them to be true is an indicator that going on the date would be pointless. She is not going to strongly indicate "romantic interest" on a first date! That would make no sense.

 

So yeah, your decision to cancel the date is the right one IMO.

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I wouldn’t bother going on the date.

 

If you’ve lost interest, why waste her & your time?

 

You don’t think it’s fair that she took some time to respond to your texts, & I think it would be equally unfair for you to attend a date that you have no interest in attending.

 

Would you want someone to go out with you even though they’re not interested because they feel obligated?

 

I know I wouldn’t.

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How exactly do know this to be fact?

Serious question

 

i dont, im just going by my assumption of what happened since no explanation was given. but that was a bad first impression to leave me hanging in the middle of a conversation without an explanation.

 

i'll leave this quote that i wrote down in the previous responses, maybe it'll help you guys understand where i'm comming from if you didn't read it already.

 

IF we had not texted each other for some hours, then i send a random text and she didn't reply or even look at it for 14 hours I would completely understand and wouldn't cause an issue. Its pretty understandable why she didn't respond for 14 hours. She wasn't expecting a text at the time so didn't check her phone, perfectly reasonable conclusion, one i would completely understand.

 

HOWEVER we had already exchanged a few texts back and forth at that moment when the reply or even viewing the message suddenly stopped. Something significant must've happened for her to suddenly be busy enough not to be on her phone at all for the rest of the day right? Thats what my train of thought was at least. after 14 hours i started thinking that maybe there is some kind of issue going on or god forbid she got hurt(not because im arrogantly thinking she would respond to me instantly, but because the situation overall just seemed off, who suddenly stops responding in that type of situation unless the person just doesnt care enough to or is playing games) but the next day, as i was expecting her to tell me something crazy had happened she just said sorry and followed up with a joke....ok... i'll have to just make assumptions.

 

Too many women out there who wouldn't pull this type of stunt before a first date. i'll go with my intinct and wont waste my time as well as hers.

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Too many women out there who wouldn't pull this type of stunt before a first date.

 

This is true. I never leave messages unanswered, especially not from someone I am interested in. If I can't respond for some reason, I always make sure I tell the other person what happened...not in detail if I don't know them very well but, at least, a general idea.

 

There are people like us in the world :)

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This is true. I never leave messages unanswered, especially not from someone I am interested in. If I can't respond for some reason, I always make sure I tell the other person what happened

 

Exactly, she had no time at all to even send me a quick response saying "hey something came up talk later"? too many women out there for me to be making excuses for her as to why she left me hanging like that.

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