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I cant forget everything my boyfriend has said to me after our big fight


seanelly

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My boyfriend and I had a huge fight weeks ago and it was painful for both of us, especially me. Lets just say he said some things to me that are too harsh in our native tongue. We made amends afterwards and gave each other some space and had some agreements, one of them being him refraining himself from cursing at me.

 

A few days after that agreement he let himself slip wherein we had a small fight about me always disturbing him during his gaming sessions, he took it too far again and he cursed at me and asked for space. I felt so much disappointment in him on that night and did not even bother to shed a tear for him after what he did. We eventually made amends again the day after and he promised that he wont curse at me or blow off at me again whenever we fight.

 

In those following days afterwards, I didnt feel right with myself, I always beat myself up by repeating every insult he said to me and i couldnt help it. He has become more patient when we have arguments and doesnt resort to being verbally abusive. We had a recent fight today about how I was so needy for him, it is a bad character of mine that one of my exes has fallen victim into and I doing my best to be less needy in the relationship . He asked for space and wanted the day to pass. In our past arguments I didnt have any thoughts of degrading myself but lately even though he stopped being verbally abusive to me, his words before still affect me and how it completely changed my perception of myself.

 

Whenever we’re on our daily call I feel somewhat okay and slightly comfortable with him, but once im alone with myself I would often beat myself down for the person that I became. And I would sometimes be frustrated with myself as to why I am so clingy with him whenever we argue. Im not comfortable addressing any of my issues with him anymore because Im scared that it might lead to an argument. I want to overcome this type of issue with myself and the issue of me becoming too needy. I feel so beaten down mentally and this is one of the only ways I can cope with it by ranting out my feelings into this site.

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Your boyfriend doesn’t sound like he respects you. For him to become verbally abusive after every argument to the point you have to walk on eggshells, is not good. In fact it’s not much of a loving relationship. He either accepts you including your areas of imperfections or he doesn’t at all.

 

I’m sorry OP but for your self worth ditch the loser.

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This is a very bad relationship. Your bf does not respect or love you. Do you usually chose people who treat you like this?

 

Do you have a life outside od this guy, or is he your entire world? Do you have girlfriends? Did you have any social life before the pandemic?

 

Why is your self worth so low?

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Because you are not supposed to forget them. Not so soon anyway. Some hurtful things, once said or done, cause permanent damage that can't be undone. Not to mention he says those things pretty regularly from your description. Never condone abuse physical or verbal. It probably wont be long before he slips again, I'm afraid.

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He doesn’t sound like he’s on your team at all. But also, leaving aside this guy (who I personally think being alone would be better than being with someone who makes you doubt yourself so much), can you get access to a psychologist? A psych could help you pick apart your neediness and find ways to meet your own needs.

 

A word of caution, if nothing changes this relationship will continue to rip your self esteem to shreds. And it’s a long slog to build it back up again (ask me how I knoooow)

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You should take a step back and get back to some calm. That jittery, nervous feeling is no good. It's anxiety and fear. Feeling uncomfortable around someone is your natural instincts kicking in and protecting you. Your instincts are telling you that something is very wrong.

 

When I experience a shock or something destabilizing, here are some things that help me re-evaluate:

 

-Look at the situation overall - does it warrant that type of behaviour or reaction?

-Look at the person - is that person normally unhinged or highly reactive?

-Ask yourself whether it's worth putting yourself in that position again and how you can prevent it.

 

You can't control others' behaviour. You can only control yours. You've tried reasoning with him but his reactions are much deeper than a few conversations and I'm willing to bet this person has experienced shouting and cussing for a very long time (he's conditioned to react that way and that is his norm). Going back again and again to the same unhealthy situation thinking you will get a different outcome or blaming yourself for someone else's indiscretions is a gross mistake. You felt that he could have controlled himself a bit more with his tone and language. If you are feeling "needy" or "insecure" those are also warning signs in the relationship that something is very wrong! This person is triggering a lot of red flags in you.

 

If you have come to the point where you really are self-doubting so badly and want a professional opinion, go for it but I wouldn't sell yourself so short. If anything, I think you probably don't have the best self-esteem to start and you're now mixed up with an abusive and immature partner.

 

Know when to cut your losses or take a breather.

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You sound really insecure. Why do you need your boyfriend? He's obviously not good to you, doesn't treat you with respect and kindness.

 

If you don't want to feel so unhappy, get rid of him so you'll feel free, can heal and finally be at peace. It's a process and will take time to recover.

 

It's unhealthy and abnormal to fight like cats and dogs. It's time to go your separate ways so you can learn that being in a toxic, dysfunctional relationship makes your life miserable. Your boyfriend should become an EX-boyfriend immediately!

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We had a recent fight today about how I was so needy for him, it is a bad character of mine that one of my exes has fallen victim into and I doing my best to be less needy in the relationship

 

Sorry, but that's ridiculous. Are you supposed to be some kind of walking flytrap that ensnares and digests unsuspecting men? Absolutely absurd. Are these men that you're dating or infants? Why do they rely on you so much for protection?

 

I want to overcome this type of issue with myself and the issue of me becoming too needy. I feel so beaten down mentally and this is one of the only ways I can cope with it by ranting out my feelings into this site.

 

You can start by accepting who you are without self-loathing and all of these labels. It's ok to want the things that you want. It doesn't make you "needy."

 

If someone calls you needy because you are asking for what you want, then they are probably the needy one.

 

All they have to do is say "no." But they can't say no because they have weak boundaries. Often times, this is because they don't want to look needy or (my favorite) look like a bad guy.

 

Instead, they ridicule you in an attempt to make you insecure about yourself. The goal is to get you to change for them. They make themselves look strong by making you look weak.

 

Now that is the definition of needy, right there.

 

The only way out of this power struggle is to respect yourself, have faith in yourself.

 

In a healthy relationship, both parties are able to say "no" and negotiate for what they want. They don't break each other down with needy ninja-tactics.

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You are always walking on eggshells. Don't you see that? This is not the way to live, no matter how you look at it. Your boyfriends lacks respect for you. He is putting you down and belittling you. This leads to the negative feelings that you have of yourself. Don't allow that to happen. The hurtful things he said to you are going to affect you and cause damage to your well being. You need to get rid of of jerk, NOW, before he causes more damage. If he truly loved you, he'd accept you as you are. This is a miserable relationship.

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