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Is my behavior inappropriate?


TMurphy

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I am Male and married and I love my wife.

A couple months ago a girl was hired in a different department. Our departments work closely together so we see each other frequently. We started out talking on the phone about work but now we talk on the phone almost everyday for 30 minutes to an hours and not too much about work anymore, just conversation. We have been out to drinks with coworkers before and have hung out at the office after work just chatting a few times. The other day we got off early so we went for a late lunch and lost track of time and were there for 5 hours.

It really bothered my wife i was there with her for so long and because of this she found out we had been talking on the phone a lot. Is my behavior inappropriate even though I only view this girl as a friend?

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Yep. You are developing an intimate, emotional relationship with another women. Time, feelings, effort and thoughts that should be going toward your wife and your marriage are being misdirected. Your behavior is endangering your marriage and it is wrong.

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I don't know. When's the last time you had a guy friend you talked on the phone for 30 minutes everyday with and caught yourself lost in time on a 5-hour lunch date? I'd be honest with yourself and save face with your wife sooner than later.

 

Are you actually the guy or are you the wife in this situation?

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Yes, it's inappropriate especially if this "girl" reports to you.

 

I'd look back at your marriage and ask yourself why you feel this friendship has been vital or important. There's something lacking in your marriage. That happens. Sometimes the spark is lost or there's a very long lull in routines and you stop looking at your spouse a certain way. Not all marriages survive and that is fine. Just don't sink so low and use third parties as a crutch. Do the hard work and ask yourself whether you're happy married to your spouse.

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Inappropriate with regard to sexual harassment or inching toward cheating on your wife?

A couple months ago a girl was hired in a different department. The other day we got off early so we went for a late lunch and lost track of time and were there for 5 hours. It really bothered my wife i was there with her for so long and because of this she found out we had been talking on the phone a lot.

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A female RN nurse tried to do the same thing with my husband (who is an ultrasound tech). It did not sit very well with me at all. We had a very serious discussion and he had to limit his contact with her.

 

She was lonely, single and came to a city with no friends and family... she just happened to find someone (my husband) who had common interest. She came forward and sincerely apologized to me, and we’re good. They only talk like acquaintances now and go to social settings in groups of which I get invited to (I don’t always go because we have a kid).

 

Boundaries have been crossed and it’s becoming an onset of an emotional affair. Do NOT socialize with her alone. Be with a group because like others said... she can hold a grudge and try twisting things around on you.

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So you think I may have developed feelings for this girl even though I just view her as a friend?

 

And actually I don't really talk to anyone else very often, my parents maybe. I do not have many friends, I dont usually socialize a lot. Usually just work and with my wife.

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It doesn't matter what you view her as. Your wife doesn't like it and it's causing issues between the both of you. It's best looking at why you feel you need to persist despite it causing problems in your marriage. Maybe rethink your priorities?

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If this coworker is nothing more than a friend, how would you feel about introducing her to your wife?

Serious question.

 

After all we can assume your wife knows most, if not all of your other friends.

I'll guess you have more contact with this woman than you have with your other friends.

 

Invite her over for dinner to meet your wife.

If the thought of that makes you balk. . then you know your answer.

 

Is your level of contact innappropriate? It is if it's disrupting your marriage.

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And actually I don't really talk to anyone else very often, my parents maybe. I do not have many friends, I dont usually socialize a lot. Usually just work and with my wife.

 

Well, maybe you need to expand your social circle and activities, but that doesn't mean you find a single woman to spend hours with. Join a club, volunteer, do something worthwhile and make friends of all kinds. Spending time alone with another woman is called starting an affair. You seem incredibly unaware of your life and your behaviors. Maybe you should do some thinking and reading. And maybe you and your wife should work on your marriage.

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Without a doubt - YES! You have developed an emotional relationship with this woman. You may regard her as a friend but boundaries have been crossed. You must be aware of that, right? A 5-hour lunch? Really? What comes next? Can't say I blame your wife. Another question: have you ever thought that this woman may, at some point, accuse you of sexual harassment? Come on, dude, this is the workplace. You should maintain professionalism. What you've involved with is not professional.

 

You are married therefore, you are sending the wrong signals to this woman with your long, non work-related, conversations, and the lunch. Lastly, if it bothers your wife, respect how she feels and limit your conversations to work topics only.

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flip the script....

 

Your wife has a male colleague that she speaks to at length with daily. Today, you come home to find, she had a leisurely 5 hour lunch with this man, while you assumed she was working....

 

If that doesn't bother you, your problems are much bigger than you know.

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It really bothered my wife i was there with her for so long and because of this she found out we had been talking on the phone a lot.

 

How did you manage to keep your wife unaware of the fact that you were talking to your coworker every day for 30-60 minutes?

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It doesn't matter. People will notice at work and mark you for a lecherous skirt chaser. Omitting the truth is lying to your wife including "just out with coworkers", "on the phone with work people", etc.

 

Make friends outside of work. Don't pick on new women at work who may think you are being a mentor, etc. or worse, think some married guy is hitting on them. The 'thought we were just friends' excuse won't fly if she gets uncomfortable and reports this.

 

Even if she casually mentions to another coworker that she thinks you are hitting on her, you could be in trouble.

So you think I may have developed feelings for this girl even though I just view her as a friend?

 

And actually I don't really talk to anyone else very often, my parents maybe. I do not have many friends

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Read some articles on emotional affairs. Even if you're not envisioning being intimate with this woman, male/female friendships like this are not often accepted by a spouse. Your spouse is reasonable and doesn't like it. She is, or should be, your priority. You need to tell your co-worker that you've made a mistake and made your wife uncomfortable by communicating daily on the phone and eating lunch together, and so you will have to delete each other's numbers. Yes, it's an awkward conversation, but things will eventually go back to normal, and otherwise, if you don't have that talk, your marriage is at risk of ending.

 

My husband and I have relationship rules, and you should, too. Yes, I chat with male co-workers, and some are Facebook friends. I've eaten lunch with one or two of them as a matter of just tagging along, but have never regularly eaten with any of them, nor do I exchange phone numbers with them, with the exception of two who are gay and they are also group friends of my husband. I know what boundaries to keep and expect the same from my husband. When you start treating one co-worker of the opposite gender a lot more differently than all the other co-workers, it's a sign you're in an emotional affair. Start pouring that emotional energy into your spouse, because even if you think you're happy, it sounds like an extra spark is needed to water that dying plant.

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So I have to come clean, the scenario I told in my original post was actually about my wife. I made it about me so that people did feel biased to just say she was wrong. I wanted to get honest criticism to get honest opinions. The issue was I couldn't get my wife to understand what she was doing was wrong. We had a pretty lengthy blowout a while ago after letting her read everyone's response and she now understands and I believeshe feels true remorse. I really want to thank everyone for helping me through this. I believe we can start to rebuild now, thinking we probably want to seek some professional guidance through this to make our marriage stronger as we rebuild.

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Without a doubt - YES! You have developed an emotional relationship with this woman. You may regard her as a friend but boundaries have been crossed. You must be aware of that, right? A 5-hour lunch? Really? What comes next? Can't say I blame your wife. Another question: have you ever thought that this woman may, at some point, accuse you of sexual harassment? Come on, dude, this is the workplace. You should maintain professionalism. What you've involved with is not professional.

 

You are married therefore, you are sending the wrong signals to this woman with your long, non work-related, conversations, and the lunch. Lastly, if it bothers your wife, respect how she feels and limit your conversations to work topics only.

DURING work hours only, if absolutely necessary for work-related issues. Got it?
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So you think I may have developed feelings for this girl even though I just view her as a friend?

 

And actually I don't really talk to anyone else very often, my parents maybe. I do not have many friends, I dont usually socialize a lot. Usually just work and with my wife.

 

Yes I do. "We started out talking on the phone about work but now we talk on the phone almost everyday for 30 minutes to an hours and not too much about work anymore, just conversation." Do you see a pattern building here? First, it's work related. then it's not work related, then your conversations become longer, etc. Get the picture? This is wrong on so many levels...

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Show her this post: This is not a court, she is not on trial and a forum is not a jury.

 

Yes if you have to troll, lie and then show that to your wife marriage therapy is definitely in order.

So I have to come clean, the scenario I told in my original post was actually about my wife. I made it about me so that people did feel biased to just say she was wrong.
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Doesn't matter what your feelings are, what you are doing is inappropriate and disrespectful to your wife.

 

You are acting like you are in the beginnings of dating. AND if it makes your wife feel bad, cut it out man, or you are going to lose your wife.

 

And if it's the other way around, yes your wife is being disrespectful of you. it don't matter if it's a wife or husband...it's not right.

 

BUT I do know a married couple that are OK with these types of "relationships", but that is something they are both ok with.

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Doesn't matter what your feelings are, what you are doing is inappropriate and disrespectful to your wife.

 

You are acting like you are in the beginnings of dating. AND if it makes your wife feel bad, cut it out man, or you are going to lose your wife.

 

And if it's the other way around, yes your wife is being disrespectful of you. it don't matter if it's a wife or husband...it's not right.

 

BUT I do know a married couple that are OK with these types of "relationships", but that is something they are both ok with.

 

His update says his wife is actually the one spending time with another man. He posted this and showed his wife to prove a point, I guess.

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Yes, your behavior is highly inappropriate! :eek: :upset: You need to enforce healthy boundaries with people including coworkers. Your sincere loyalty and devotion belongs to your wife. Guard your eyes, heart and mind because your wife will appreciate it.

 

I'm married and my husband and I know how to respect each other accordingly as should you.

 

Cut that chat with your coworker. (Same with all electronic communication, too.) Remain professional, well mannered, polite, respectful, kind yet distant. Know where to draw the line. No more after hour drinks. Go home to your wife. You're not a single guy anymore. Act like a respectable married man.

 

Going out for an occasional lunch with a group of coworkers is okay. That's it. Be honorable and show your marriage respect.

 

It doesn't matter regarding gender whether the husband or wife spending excessive time with the opposite gender. Integrity is required even when no one is looking. That's what love and respect is.

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