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I'm too sensitive


kim42

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Hi everyone, I am someone who is overly sensitive and gets quickly emotional. Let me say this right at the beginning - I don't like this about myself.

So today I had an argument with someone and then I was crying and just felt sad. I don't even know what I've done, I was just told I'm selfish. I feel miserable every time I fight with someone. Now I try to avoid conflicts as much as I can but sometimes it just happens, and I always feel so drained afterwards. I wish I could be one of those people who don't care that much, and are able to quickly move on.

I just wish my emotional response would be more peaceful and less intense. I hope this makes sense.

It's funny because at work and in other situations I'm this very rational, logical person, when my team is freaking out, I am the one who usually stays calm. But in my private life I'm a mess sometimes 😐

I feel like a weak person because I cannot control how I feel. I think this is the reason why I'm.sort of avoiding long term relationships with men because all the arguments and fights I had with my exes were just too much (there was nothing violent, just normal stuff).

Sorry if this is too long, I just feel bad for acting like this. I feel I should grow up and be less emotional.

Any help is appreciated, thank you.

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I think you worry way too much what people think of you, or your thoughts on what they may think of you is simply exasperated with the intensity of the argument or comment made. It just sets your emotions off. The only thing I can suggest is behavioral therapy to reprogram your brain to respond differently to become indifferent in normal situations.

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I was just told I'm selfish.

 

I feel like a weak person because I cannot control how I feel. I think this is the reason why I'm.sort of avoiding long term relationships with men because all the arguments and fights I had with my exes were just too much (there was nothing violent, just normal stuff).

Well, comments like this are spewed "all the time" in an argument. It doesn't mean they are always true though. Maybe they are true sometimes, maybe not; you have to objectively evaluate whether they are true after the argument when you are calmer.

 

 

In my opinion, nobody controls how he feels. I don't believe we can control our emotions. What we can control though is how we react. To discipline yourself to control your reactions is NOT easy. I can count with my one hand the people I've met who were able to do that. I am personally cultivating this habit by not reacting straight away or at the time of the argument (unless someone is cussing at me in front of my face). Also, I've developed a thick skin. Damn, this is so essential in life.

 

Dunno, this is my approach. Hope you find a coping mechanism.

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Well, comments like this are spewed "all the time" in an argument. It doesn't mean they are always true though. Maybe they are true sometimes, maybe not; you have to objectively evaluate whether they are true after the argument when you are calmer.

 

 

In my opinion, nobody controls how he feels. I don't believe we can control our emotions. What we can control though is how we react. To discipline yourself to control your reactions is NOT easy. I can count with my one hand the people I've met who were able to do that. I am personally cultivating this habit by not reacting straight away or at the time of the argument (unless someone is cussing at me in front of my face). Also, I've developed a thick skin. Damn, this is so essential in life.

 

Dunno, this is my approach. Hope you find a coping mechanism.

Thank you, Dias, this is helpful. I need a thick skin for sure. I understand controlling emotions is really hard, I just wish I could feel less overwhelmed. Like the rational 'me' knows it's not the end of the world if I fight with someone. I just feel so sad and I know I'm overreacting. I'll try to google some coping mechanisms.

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Sorry to hear this. Work usually is just business, so interpersonal conflict is most often more stressful. It all depends who this someone is and what hold they have. Nobody likes fights so the good news is feeling bummed about it is normal.

 

How do these conflicts "just happen"? It depends on what the content of the argument is. Personal attacks or logistics disagreements?

 

You don't have to be thick skinned or robotic. Emotions are just like physical feelings. They are navigation signs. Exit. Stop. Slow down. Yield, etc. Listen to them and lean in rather than strive to build walls against them. The trick is not to get freaked out by unpleasant sensations. "This sucks" is a very important message to your brain.

 

Imagine if you couldn't feel pain and didn't know to take your hand out of the fire? Or didn't learn or remember that fire burns or knives cut? Well that is why emotions are there. They are your psychological defense system.

So today I had an argument with someone and then I was crying and just felt sad. I don't even know what I've done, I was just told I'm selfish. I feel miserable every time I fight with someone.

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I think you're too hard on yourself. I've been called overly sensitive and after thinking long and hard about this, I don't think it's always about being so sensitive.

 

With work, there's obvious professionalism at the workplace and people generally don't get personal. It's easier to have logic and boundaries there.

 

As for your private life, it's a different story especially regarding relatives (or in-laws), friendships and relationships. The bottom line is being treated with habitual respect, kindness and consideration which requires emotional intelligence (EQ - Google 'emotional intelligence'), empathy and maturity. Without those basics and treating you and others with dignity, there is no such thing as being "sensitive." It's the natural order of either being compatible with others in the name of integrity and graciousness or the opposite of that which is acrimony and animosity.

 

Some people will call you "sensitive" in order to give themselves free passes and excuses for their inconsiderate or obnoxiously rude and uncalled for behavior towards you or others. If they call you "sensitive," than they're gaslighting you. Google "gaslighting." They are changing your perception and forcing you to feel that you are nuts when it is they who are mentally ill because they are selfish, deflect and don't treat others with consistent respect and care.

 

I don't think you are overly sensitive. You and I have feelings. We're not robots here.

 

What matters is how you react or not react. Whenever I've encountered people who are 'off,' say something inappropriate or inconsiderate, I've since learned to walk away. I don't stoop to their level and argue. I leave them alone. If they feel like criticizing a wall, I let them. I'm nowhere to be found. I simply stay away. I don't engage. If I must deal with them, I've learned to keep a safe distance. I don't get involved with drama. I stay away. I surround myself with very moral, upstanding people instead or I'm off doing my own thing and enjoying life in peace.

 

I don't enjoy fighting and in the past, it never ended well. :upset:

 

Change the way you think. When anyone acts weird and says anything unacceptable, know the source. Generally people who lack self discipline and self control are unstable, insecure and unhappy to the point of some form of mental illness. Certain serious mental disorders are incurable and there for life. (Narcissisists, gaslighters, sociopaths, manipulators, etc.) It's actually very sad. You can't deal with them. Separate people into camps such as a normal group who knows how to behave with common decency and common courtesy and the weird group whom you need to avoid. That's what enforced boundaries are. Then you won't be bothered anymore. This is what I do.

 

Most of all, transfer your work logic into your private life. Become unemotional. Emotions will always cloud your judgment. Become a better judge of character. Be with those who will treat you with consistent honorable respect and avoid those who act like animals.

 

Also, concentrate on taking care of your health. There is a sound body, sound mind connection. Exercise, eat right, enjoy life and focus on your physical and mental well being. Then you can think clearly and logically more than ever before. You won't take _ _ _ _ from anybody anymore. You'll become strong and tough minded. You'll also become more resilient.

 

Don't fight. Avoid conflict and confrontation because you will not feel good today nor tomorrow. Think of the harsh consequences for today's impulsive behavior. Become a peaceful person because you'll like yourself better and you can look at yourself in the mirror tomorrow. Keep the peace. You will not like everyone on this Earth. Keep the peace with them anyway. Simmer down.

 

Practice good diplomacy. Those are my mother's wise words! :smug:

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So today I had an argument with someone and then I was crying and just felt sad. I don't even know what I've done, I was just told I'm selfish.

 

Do you ever try to write out the specifics of what happened during the argument? I think it might be helpful for you

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When I'm overloaded I come back to it the next day and see if I'm still feeling the same way. If the feeling persists for longer than a week, there's usually a serious issue.

 

You don't have to try to process it all at once. There's a lot that can happen in a day and often issues resolve themselves before you can get to them. That person who called you selfish might be the selfish one imposing his/her own guilt on you. Someone else might have said that to the person recently also. Whenever I hear something off, I question the source of the information and whether they're reliable in the first place. The next thing is whether I did something wrong (review whatever I have said and done a second time). And the third after that, whether what I did wrong warranted that type of reaction or response or was it OTT or ridiculous etc.

 

Nothing wrong with being sensitive. You get to pick up a lot that way. Just use the info to your own benefit.

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Thank you, Dias, this is helpful. I need a thick skin for sure. I understand controlling emotions is really hard, I just wish I could feel less overwhelmed. Like the rational 'me' knows it's not the end of the world if I fight with someone. I just feel so sad and I know I'm overreacting. I'll try to google some coping mechanisms.

 

But Dias didn't suggest controlling emotions. That's unhealthy and not doable. It's about controlling the reactions. You're going to feel just as overwhelmed - you're just not going to react in the same way.

Here are some examples of what I do depending on the situation:

 

I walk away (or cyberly walk away from Facebook or a messaging situation)

I do 4-7-8 breathing

I focus on something like - washing my hands - the way the water flows, the way the soap bubbles looks -whatever is grounding.

I place my hands down flat on a surface and stretch out my finger.

Self-talk - I ask myself before reacting -will this matter in a year from now? If I say what I want to will I create more stress/chaos - and do I want to say "x" because I'm stressed right now?

Will this person actually hear what I am saying right now?

 

Etc..It's hard but it's not about controlling emotions at all.

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Try to look at it from a logical point of view without reacting. Did the other person have a point? Were you being selfish or can you be?

For what it's worth, we all have our downfalls from time to time, no shame in that. It makes us human. However, if the other person is being unfair, then don't let it get to you.

 

It can be tough to control reactions, but if you work at it, you can achieve it. Not everything requires a reaction.

 

You notice this about yourself, you don't like it. Make it a point of improvement for yourself. Instead of taking things so personally, or reacting with emotions to the degree that you do, try to reign it in. Be more logical and less emotional. Try to not take things so much to heart and reason instead.

 

Take a deep breath in, count to 5, hold for five seconds, slow exhale for 5 seconds. Meanwhile try to imagine all of the over the top emotions exiting with your exhales. Shoulders loose, body becoming less tense.

Calm, peace,

 

It does take practice. It really does. And it something to be mindful about and work on. Don't expect things to change drastically overnight. But with work, it can improve within months.

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Most people don't like confrontation. And we all can be emotional at times. It can be overwhelming at times and hard to control all the time, but it's definitely in your best interest to learn to control them sometimes. For people who are able to control their emotions, it can feel a bit manipulative to be involved with people that can't.

 

Like somehow because the other person is more emotional, angry, irrational, upset, however you want to describe it... That person is more hurt, more invested etc. we can all be selfish and emotional, it's on us to control it, to have productive conversations and to deal with conflicts effectively. It also can cause people to pull back from just because it's so much work and so draining to deal with overly emotional people.

 

Can you tell I've got some draining, emotional people in my life? 😄 I love them but I keep them at arms length.... Life gets hard and it on you to owe your crap. Now, if you are accused of something you are not, then that's another story. stop looking for validation from others and validate yourself, based on your own values. Respect yourself, respect others.

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For people who are able to control their emotions, it can feel a bit manipulative to be involved with people that can't.

 

Like somehow because the other person is more emotional, angry, irrational, upset, however you want to describe it... That person is more hurt, more invested etc. we can all be selfish and emotional, it's on us to control it, to have productive conversations and to deal with conflicts effectively. It also can cause people to pull back from just because it's so much work and so draining to deal with overly emotional people.

 

100% agree.

 

Also 100% tired of covering for people who can't pull themselves together (speaking also in the professional sense regarding work, not just personal or general).

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As a sensitive person myself I can testify that it’s a blessing and a curse.

 

My daughter was once beating herself up for being very emotional and from out of nowhere I thought of this analogy: In the realm of scientific instruments, the most expensive devices are always the most sensitive ones. They pick up more information than other less sensitive instruments. This information can be extremely useful! She liked that.

 

But these tools must also be handled with care because they can be delicate, or thrown out of adjustment if not handled properly.

 

Not everyone is sensitive and appreciates the added information you are aware of...not everyone uses precision tools like you have so they simply aren’t aware that these tools require special care; it’s not that they don’t care about you, it’s that they simply don’t have a need to maintain specialized equipment so they can’t understand why you can’t just go banging around with your oscilloscope as if it were a hammer or a maglite flashlight.

 

The trick is knowing it’s up to us to be able to reap the benefits of sensitivity by learning to carry ourselves in a manner that protects the equipment without forcing everyone around us to walk on eggshells. We don’t ask bricklayers to care for the lab microscope, no?

 

So daily calibration helps me...I like to do a reading that resonates with me on a deep level each morning and then meditate for 10-20 min. Knowing when to keep my emotional array folded up and go into “business only” mode (you will never see me cry talking to a mechanic for example) is very helpful too. In other words I am learning how to give people just enough of me, and not to make them uncomfortable by opening up more than they can stomach...but I have that depth if and when it will be helpful...

 

Making a deal with my heart to “feel it fully later on.” When something really gets to me I will think to myself “heart, we can’t do this right now. Tonight at 9:30 after the kids are in bed we can come back and revisit this and feel it all the way through, but I need you to let it go for now, thanks.” And I follow through with some quiet reflection time that night. It probably sounds super dumb (well it sounded dumb to me when I first heard about it anyway,) but it works like a CHARM for getting through challenging social situations.

 

And guess what, if I do get emotional despite myself and it makes somebody else uncomfortable? That sounds like a THEM problem lol. Your discomfort is your issue and you get to choose what to do about it. Helps weed some non-compatible people from my day to day life haha.

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I've noticed that some people have thicker skin, let other people's comments bounce off of them easily and smugly say, "Nobody's perfect." That comment right there is infuriating to me. It's the same as saying, "Well, I lack empathy and emotional intelligence (EQ), I'll give them a free pass, their behavior is excusable and acceptable because I treat people with disrespect, too." No bueno. :upset:

 

Some people pretend to be good and then their true colors show when you become their verbal punching bag. This is a real deal breaker and I'm OUT.

 

The word "sensitive" has a negative connotation. My ignorant Caucasian physical therapist said that Indians, black people or anyone of color are "sensitive" regarding racism. :eek: :upset: I've learned not to fight with people. I change the subject and we discuss what we enjoy such as his daughters, where they went, cooking, etc. I divert attention away from what we don't agree upon to what we have in common. I'm not going to give him a finger wagging lecture and become a belligerent person. It's not my way. I can't change his narrow mind nor would I want to. It's not my job. All I can do is be a graceful lady.

 

If you are ever angry or don't appreciate other people offending, insulting or disrespecting you such as in an obnoxiously rude way, there is a way to handle these types of situations. First of all, you need to know whom you're dealing with. If they're the type of people with subpar intelligence and habitually incurable character defects, flaws and (many times) mental illness (narcissism, gaslighting, sociopaths, etc.) talking back to them will only ignite a fight which ends in permanent animosity and acrimony. Learn to get up, walk away and leave. Don't stay and in the future, minimize contact. If you must cross paths, treat them as if they're co-workers. Remain polite, well mannered, respectful yet DISTANT. Diffuse it by making your exit with nary a word. Or, change the subject such as what I did with my physical therapist. After that, keep conversations brief, pleasant, superficial and go home. Limit contact with them throughout the year both electronically and in person.

 

If you can afford to avoid certain people, then become estranged. You have to eliminate certain toxic people from your life permanently.

 

Exercise tact.

 

If you can't afford to eliminate some people from your life (such as in my case with certain relatives and in-laws / some professional people / service people), limit interactions, only get together infrequently, mind your own business, be polite, pleasant, mindful, respectful and again, remain DISTANT. Then go home and you've survived! This is what I do.

 

Carry yourself with self control, self discipline, dignity and grace. It's all you can do. Don't become emotional because your emotions will get the best of you and cloud your judgment. Emotionally charged people are impulsive and then you'll regret your lack of self control and self discipline. Repercussions and harsh consequences are bitter.

 

Become piercingly astute and shrewd in order to protect yourself and you'll become proud of your new behavior because you can be in control. I've had this mindset for several years now and it has since saved me. It works. You ought to try it! :D

 

It's okay to call yourself sensitive if you define the word "sensitive" to having feelings. We all want to be treated well. If you're not treated well and as if you matter, it's not called being "overly sensitive" at all. You are human and want to be treated kindly always and if you're not, then do something about it without conflict and confrontation. Enforce healthy boundaries with people while being a peaceful person. This is how you conduct yourself accordingly without regrets. This is how you handle uncomfortable situations maturely.

 

There are times when I wish I could explode in anger at some people. I've since changed my tactic. I either walk away or limit all contact as much as possible. If I'm with them at family reunions, for example, I maintain a polite, respectful DISTANCE. I'm nice but not too nice. I don't engage in lengthy conversations and I don't get personal. I keep things light and polite. It works. I engage in very brief, superficial conversations only, never linger and after that I go home.

 

There will always be people whom you don't like or despise. Have integrity and carry yourself with dignity. You can be in control where it is fair for everyone. Don't get close, conduct yourself admirably and keep the peace.

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