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How would you feel about using an egg donor?


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Question for the Ladies:

If you had a baby later in life and used an egg donor and your husbands sperm would you still feel it was 100 percent your child knowing even though you carry it, you have none of your dna in that child?

 

And if you used an egg donated from your sister.... how would you feel for the rest of your life looking at the kid and knowing your husband technically has a child with your sister? If you were the sister would you always look at the child and think in your mind "you are looking like me, i am your mum" but never say it to anyone? Would you just rather the donor be an anonymous donor?

 

All opinions and ponderings are welcome. Just interested on what you all think.

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Yeah i too seem to not be able to carry a child for long after my first. Had a few miscarriages. The doctor wont investigate. Im thinking now im in my 40s it is probably my egg quality, but prior to this i thought it could be some other complication from my first c-section. I kick myself for not finding a better doctor... mine is totally incompetent. I asked for referral to a fertility specialist when i was 40 to help have another baby and he keeps telling me i dont need it and I have plenty of time to have another child. Im 43 now...plenty of time NOT. I feel like reporting him to the medical board for his total lack of medical care. I was thinking of asking my sister for an egg but i'm not sure if i could cope with it being her child not mine.

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Are you in a stable loving relationship and trying? Is it the same partner or has he had kids before? Get a second opinion and discuss it with your current partner.

Yeah i too seem to not be able to carry a child for long after my first. Im 43 now.
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Yeah i too seem to not be able to carry a child for long after my first. Had a few miscarriages. The doctor wont investigate. Im thinking now im in my 40s it is probably my egg quality, but prior to this i thought it could be some other complication from my first c-section. I kick myself for not finding a better doctor... mine is totally incompetent. I asked for referral to a fertility specialist when i was 40 to help have another baby and he keeps telling me i dont need it and I have plenty of time to have another child. Im 43 now...plenty of time NOT. I feel like reporting him to the medical board for his total lack of medical care. I was thinking of asking my sister for an egg but i'm not sure if i could cope with it being her child not mine.

 

I had 4 miscarriages after my first but I know my problem. Sorry to hear of your troubles. :(

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I'm not a woman, but I do think it carries a potential for drama or a long-term cocktail of complicating feelings for all parties when involving donors whom you're intimately familiar with. The relative anonymity along with there typically being tending to be inherent and far less complicated legal protections and boundaries in place are a couple of the larger benefits of going with an egg / sperm donor bank.

 

Not saying you should go with one or the other, or to go about it at all for that matter. I've got a friend who had a mutual female friend surrogate for him and his husband. From what I've seen, everyone got along and continues to get along just fine. She is pretty involved with them and the kid though; probably more than we'd conventionally think someone would be. Again, they get along fine so I certainly am not in a position to judge. Still, I'm not sure what kind of feelings or tensions would flare up were they to have a falling out with her. Or perhaps not even falling out, but them or her having to move away. Hopefully that's a hurdle none of them ever need to navigate. Or if they do, it's resolved amicably with minimal disruption for the kid.

 

I can think of few decisions to make that would be heavier than that. Have you talked to your sister about it yet? Best of luck with everything.

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I would choose not to go down the road of donors etc.

 

Similarly for me.

 

Although I hold no prejudice against the idea. That you are feeling these worries creep up and feel unsettled, I'd suggest don't go through with the donor idea either. You do not seem comfortable about this and a child being born into this world is innocent of these fears and insecurities that adults have. Don't bring a child into the world this way.

 

If you also come from a conservative background that frowns upon this I don't recommend it or sever ties with that part of your life and bring the child up in a loving environment on your own terms. Any type of dissent or issue needs to be resolved before you decide if you want to go down this road.

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I had my one and only pregnancy and my one and only child at age 42. Had I not been able to conceive I would have considered a variety of options including adoption -meaning that the fact that the child would not be my biological child would not have mattered to me. But I would have used an anonymous egg donor if I decided to go that route. It's a very individual decision!!

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Does your partner want to adopt or use a surrogate since the pregnancy, not the eggs is the problem? Is this a real situation or just a survey? The doctor probably told you to try for a year first.

 

Not sending you for expensive IVF etc is not malpractice. Wanting another child is not a medical diagnosis that was missed. It sounds like this is a hypothetical question because the facts do not add up.

i too seem to not be able to carry a child for long after my first. Had a few miscarriages. I asked for referral to a fertility specialist when i was 40 to help have another baby
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I think even though the sister is the closest for DNA, that it's too close for comfort. Yes, I don't see how a person could not look at the baby and know it's your husband and sisters child. I suppose some people might be able to do it? I know I couldn't.

 

I'd rather choose an anonymous donor. Although adopting (if possible) is always a great idea as there are so many babies needing a loving home.

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If you had a baby later in life and used an egg donor and your husbands sperm would you still feel it was 100 percent your child knowing even though you carry it, you have none of your dna in that child?

 

For me, DNA is irrelevant. I lean more towards adoption, personally.... And then only if I win the lottery lol!

 

I can't ignore that there are so many kids that need good homes right now, without my (or my partner's) genetic draw on already-taxed natural resources.

 

Seems unfair, like I'd be setting them up for war if I actually added to the population....

 

Human race vs my DNA? Let the human race win. Hands down. Mother the already-existing kids.

 

So, if I actually wanted kids, I wouldn't go this route...

 

HOWEVER I can see some possible potential issues here:

 

And if you used an egg donated from your sister.... how would you feel for the rest of your life looking at the kid and knowing your husband technically has a child with your sister? If you were the sister would you always look at the child and think in your mind "you are looking like me, i am your mum" but never say it to anyone? Would you just rather the donor be an anonymous donor?

 

This would be an exercise in trust, and I can see the appeal of an anonymous donor.

 

Personally, I feel confident in saying (despite all of our differences), that my sister is well-bred, and that she would never permit such a thing to happen between us.

 

But that's just my sister and my family.

 

It just wouldn't be permitted.

Edited by Jibralta
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Does your partner want to adopt or use a surrogate since the pregnancy, not the eggs is the problem? Is this a real situation or just a survey? The doctor probably told you to try for a year first.

 

Not sending you for expensive IVF etc is not malpractice. Wanting another child is not a medical diagnosis that was missed. It sounds like this is a hypothetical question because the facts do not add up.

 

Infertility certainly is a medical diagnosis and warrants referral to a fertility specialist, especially at the poster’s age. Not going to speculate on malpractice but the OP should see a specialist, and soon. And without a work up, there is no way to know why the poster is experiencing recurrent pregnancy loss. It could very well be an issue with her eggs given her age, or something else.

 

OP, I would consider using an egg donor if I had egg quality were the cause of my infertility, but would use an anonymous donor. I wouldn’t feel comfortable using a sibling’s eggs - not to mention that if you and your sister are at all close in age, she likely would not be the best option for a donor.

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My two cents on this is that having an anonymous egg donor will make things less complicated in the long run. We don't know if the sister could become too emotionally attached to the baby later on. It can also become awkward if the child becomes too close to the aunt. So to avoid that, might as well just have an anonymous egg donor.

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Is this the same partner?:

I keep finding my partner setting up profiles on a swingers site... i discovered the first profile while looking through his email one night trying to figure out what was up with him as he had been acting very very strange and kept disappearing The thing that worries me is in this profile in the what are you looking for comment box it says "I am a straight male looking for a MMF threesome". And in the email he sent that couple just after i had the baby he said "its been a while since i had my last ffm threesome and ive had one mmf threesome and im keen to do it again".

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Question for the Ladies:

If you had a baby later in life and used an egg donor and your husbands sperm would you still feel it was 100 percent your child knowing even though you carry it, you have none of your dna in that child?

 

And if you used an egg donated from your sister.... how would you feel for the rest of your life looking at the kid and knowing your husband technically has a child with your sister? If you were the sister would you always look at the child and think in your mind "you are looking like me, i am your mum" but never say it to anyone? Would you just rather the donor be an anonymous donor?

 

All opinions and ponderings are welcome. Just interested on what you all think.

 

Please call a fertility clinic and get a referral to a counselor who handles this matter. They can give you points to consider.. Also, join online groups of women who are considering this or have done this. Has your sister offered? If she approached you and offered that is way different.

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