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Here it goes! I was in a relationship for 16 years. High school sweetheart. Love of my life... my whole world. We pretty much came from nothing and four years before we broke up we bought a house and really put ourselves in a good position. Six years ago she up and left me for another guy. Out of the blue. The word devastated does not even come close to how destroyed I was. Not suicidal but definitely in that realm.

 

You wouldn’t believe it but a year later I was on top of the world. Happier than I have ever even remembered being in my life. I kept the house, got some money, I was just blessed. I grew a hatred for her and it still remains. I’m perfectly ok with that.

 

Ok, so one year after the break up I met someone. Gorgeous girl. Model looks, loved the same obscure music I do and seemed perfect on paper! Prior to that I was looking hard for a girlfriend and just about to give up when she found me on a dating app and messaged me!

 

She was in a pretty bad place at this time. Recovering alcoholic (i mean as bad as they come!) but a year sober when we met... doing her best and struggling to stay afloat.

 

Maybe 3 months in, I asked her to move in to my house. She was falling behind on her rent and crying. I knew it was kinda soon but I was so confident and strong I was willing to roll the dice.

 

Initially it was pretty rocky. I was trying to give her a platform, safe place, security in hopes that she would become a happy person. Over the past five years she has made progress. She has matured in a lot of ways and is very strong, Completely loyal, independent and once again absolutely beautiful.

 

She is also possessive. I have lost a lot of good friendships due to her jealousy. Even my best friend who was my roommate for years had to move out because of how nasty she was toward him. and he’s a great dude! Super upbeat, considerate and just happy...

 

About a year or so into this relationship, she told me that she love me. She expected me to say it back. I did not. I explain to her that those words do not come easy and I do not take them loosely. There were still things but she did need to work on. The passive aggressive stuff, the territorial stuff, And the fact that she perseverates on the negative at all times never attempting to look on the bright side of any situation. Ultimately just a miserable attitude.

 

Over the past five years it has worn me down. She says I love you almost in spite of me. It causes a conflict every time. She uses those words to actually hurt me, which pushes me further away from being able to feel that way about her. Constant conflict.

 

We broke up for the first time a few months ago. Got back together with an hours to try to work it out. Ever since then we have pretty much just been coexisting here in my house. Maybe a month later we broke up again, got back together within 10 hours because the anxiety and feelings were killing me. Let’s try to make it work.

 

It’s pretty much the definition of a toxic relationship.

 

Over memorial day weekend she was picking at me. Had a little fight because I caught her talking trash about me to one of her family members. Petty stuff. But it upset me. She began picking “well what do you want to do then“ over and over. I pulled the trigger this time and said I want to end the relationship. First time those words ever came out of my mouth.

 

Another important factor is that I am about to turn 40 years old. I want a family with kids. I don’t know if it’s too late or not. She does not want kids. She’s a miserable person and I would not want her to be the mother of my children.

 

I have been worried for a very long time about this day coming. She is very emotional and negative and I feared what she would do. She has a history of suicide ideation and self harm. And the thought of her picking up the vodka again...

 

The first few days were tough. A lot of tears. She spends most of the time outfront in her car and only comes in to sleep. To my surprise she immediately began to look for a place to live. She is packing up things currently. I am sticking to my guns. I am shocked however how civil we are being. We’ve been talking a lot and she’s trying her best not to twist things around on me. Neither of us actually did anything wrong. No reason for any ill will.

 

Here’s the punchline: I feel totally devastated. I’ve been having a lot of trouble eating. Racing thoughts, continuously trying to tell myself things to make sense and justify. The fear I will never find the right one, be alone for more than I can stand, thoughts of her with another guy (which she could do at the snap of a finger) tons of guys message her daily as it is... I thought I would feel liberated but I am petrified and feel completely destroyed again. Rock bottom and completely exhausted.

 

I know things will get better with time but I am so weak right now. This is just way harder than I expected it to be. No intention of trying again with her though. I can’t continue that cycle.

 

I’m just in shock.

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I have so many things to say...but I'm about to head off to bed... and just sending you a virtual HUG and a reminder to just breathe. Big deep breathe in, slow on the out. You are doing great. At least you KNOW it is a toxic relationship and you should be proud you have the smarts to get out while you can. You know deep down you are not happy and she is not the one for you. I think the last thing you needed after your relationship to your wife ended was a person with so much baggage already. But whats done is done. You are in pain right now, its the codependancy trap! You are at the edge of panic and your heart feels like it beats too hard and too fast and you cant focus. But it will pass. You will find happiness in the future, we all do. It is just that we are incapable of seeing that and believing that on the day we are feeling this way. Without pain in our lives how would we know what love and happiness was? Hang in there buddy, your doing great. I wish you the best. xoxoxo

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I have so many things to say...but I'm about to head off to bed... and just sending you a virtual HUG and a reminder to just breathe. Big deep breathe in, slow on the out. You are doing great. At least you KNOW it is a toxic relationship and you should be proud you have the smarts to get out while you can. You know deep down you are not happy and she is not the one for you. I think the last thing you needed after your relationship to your wife ended was a person with so much baggage already. But whats done is done. You are in pain right now, its the codependancy trap! You are at the edge of panic and your heart feels like it beats too hard and too fast and you cant focus. But it will pass. You will find happiness in the future, we all do. It is just that we are incapable of seeing that and believing that on the day we are feeling this way. Without pain in our lives how would we know what love and happiness was? Hang in there buddy, your doing great. I wish you the best. xoxoxo

 

Thank you so much. Spot on.

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Sorry to hear this . Research "trauma bonding". Get in touch with all your friends, family and people including this former roommate. Tell them the situation, seek support. She is too toxic and making you sick. Most rebounds are horrible choices. But don't relive the last real breakup with your last long term partner. Actually a good sign that you are done, even if it is difficult right now. Look ahead into the future. Think of the sane women you'll be dating.

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Sorry to hear this . Research "trauma bonding". Get in touch with all your friends, family and people including this former roommate. Tell them the situation, seek support. She is too toxic and making you sick. Most rebounds are horrible choices. But don't relive the last real breakup with your last long term partner. Actually a good sign that you are done, even if it is difficult right now. Look ahead into the future. Think of the sane women you'll be dating.

 

Thank you so much for the support! My mind is so unstable right now. One minute thinking of negative things I need to replace with logical positive thoughts, feel content for a second, then the next bad thought hits me out of nowhere. Financial stuff, her being with another guy, trying to remember how bad things actually were, guilt that I called it off and hurting her. Around and around. So exhausting. I feel like I’m out in the middle of the ocean right now just trying to keep my head above the water. It would be so much easier just to be angry at her in a way. Once again neither of us did anything wrong. Just a sour unhealthy relationship.

 

The process of detaching is so emotionally powerful.

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I just want to say I'm sorry you are in so much pain and glad you feel you can write it out. She and you aren't compatible. You're a nice guy and invited her in but I think you also gave her some mixed signals in the relationship. Moving in with you most likely complicated things a lot as you didn't know each other very well.

 

Learning to trust again is hard. Sometimes it feels like parts of yourself won't feel the same again and they probably won't but all relationships need a degree of trust to function.

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I just want to say I'm sorry you are in so much pain and glad you feel you can write it out. She and you aren't compatible. You're a nice guy and invited her in but I think you also gave her some mixed signals in the relationship. Moving in with you most likely complicated things a lot as you didn't know each other very well.

 

Learning to trust again is hard. Sometimes it feels like parts of yourself won't feel the same again and they probably won't but all relationships need a degree of trust to function.

 

Thank you so much for the reply. I need the support so badly right now. I trusted her 100% and her loyalty was something I am petrified of never finding again. I let her meet up with all kinds of “photographers” (aka perverts with cameras) because her modeling hobby made her happy. I trusted her. I learned a lot from mistakes I made from my first relationship... dudes messaging her daily to hook up even though her fb status was in relationship... They loyalty is sooo important to me. she had the trust issues unfortunately. It did constrict me and slowly break me down. Can’t do anything I really enjoy without a little look or comment. Always resulting in an argument days later. I was never unfaithful either by the way. These feelings are so unbearable.

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Hang in there. It will get better with time. Look for someone with qualities outside of the looks department too. Hopefully you find yourself in better company next time and feel more comfortable with your partner. This didn't sound like a comfortable or easy relationship.

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I just want to say I'm sorry you are in so much pain and glad you feel you can write it out. She and you aren't compatible. You're a nice guy and invited her in but I think you also gave her some mixed signals in the relationship. Moving in with you most likely complicated things a lot as you didn't know each other very well.

 

Learning to trust again is hard. Sometimes it feels like parts of yourself won't feel the same again and they probably won't but all relationships need a degree of trust to function.

 

Hang in there. It will get better with time. Look for someone with qualities outside of the looks department too. Hopefully you find yourself in better company next time and feel more comfortable with your partner. This didn't sound like a comfortable or easy relationship.

 

I have to be honest. 1: I’ve gotta be physically attracted. I need to be able to look at a girl and say “wow, she is gorgeous” in my head. I know it seems shallow, but it’s a must from the get go....

 

Then the other attributes. Loyalty, honesty, (now) a positive outlook on life in general, (now) similar future goals... common interests aren’t even all that important to me as long as the spark is there.

 

Idk, it’s depressing thinking of finding the perfect person. Seems literally impossible right now.

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Man, breakups suck. Even the ones that are overdue or right on time...no bueno.

 

Don’t make choices out of fear. You’re not too old to have a family (generally a healthy man can be virile well into his 60’s.) You have serious self-diagnosed compatibility issues with this woman, so the fear of not finding somebody better suited for you to date seems illogical.

 

As far as what she does, well that’s truly none of your business anymore. Yes, she will sleep with somebody else. So will you. And frankly unless she was the one who chose the “things she still needs to work on” you mentioned in the OP then they aren’t really things she needs to work on. In other words you do you, and stay in your lane. It’s not your place to determine where other people need to improve. You keep your side of the street clean and if you can’t accept someone as they are then don’t make a project out of them, just relate to them (or cut relations with them) accordingly. Your fear of being alone (it is painful at first, but not dangerous) Can be transformed into an opportunity to enjoy yourself regardless of your dating status. It will help you land that perfect mate to work through the discomfort to a place where you don’t “need” somebody for yourself...but want somebody to share your awesome self with haha.

 

It sounds from the outside like you’re experiencing some second guessing and painful adjustment which is absolutely normal, though no fun. You’re well spoken and apparently prosperous and generous...you will get through to the other side and profit from the experience if you hang in there!! Keep on keeping on man.

 

Best wishes!

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She says I love you almost in spite of me. It causes a conflict every time. She uses those words to actually hurt me, which pushes me further away from being able to feel that way about her... Another important factor is that I am about to turn 40 years old. I want a family with kids. I don’t know if it’s too late or not. She does not want kids. She’s a miserable person and I would not want her to be the mother of my children.

 

You were in a relationship with her for 5 years and never told her you loved her? It sounds as if you like her looks but not much else, so why did you stay with her for so long? You feel devastated now because the relationship became a habit and habits are hard to break. How do you know that "tons of guys message her daily" and why is that of any relevance when she is not someone you love or want to start a family with? Again, it comes down to habit. Look at it as the opportunity for her to meet someone she is better suited to and for you to do the same. As you've discovered, just because someone has "model looks" it doesn't make them a nice person. You've got many years to find a good woman, but if the personality doesn't match the looks, don't drag it out for another 5 years - it's a waste of your time and hers.

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I just want to say I'm sorry you are in so much pain and glad you feel you can write it out. She and you aren't compatible. You're a nice guy and invited her in but I think you also gave her some mixed signals in the relationship. Moving in with you most likely complicated things a lot as you didn't know each other very well.

 

Learning to trust again is hard. Sometimes it feels like parts of yourself won't feel the same again and they probably won't but all relationships need a degree of trust to function.

 

Man, breakups suck. Even the ones that are overdue or right on time...no bueno.

 

Don’t make choices out of fear. You’re not too old to have a family (generally a healthy man can be virile well into his 60’s.) You have serious self-diagnosed compatibility issues with this woman, so the fear of not finding somebody better suited for you to date seems illogical.

 

As far as what she does, well that’s truly none of your business anymore. Yes, she will sleep with somebody else. So will you. And frankly unless she was the one who chose the “things she still needs to work on” you mentioned in the OP then they aren’t really things she needs to work on. In other words you do you, and stay in your lane. It’s not your place to determine where other people need to improve. You keep your side of the street clean and if you can’t accept someone as they are then don’t make a project out of them, just relate to them (or cut relations with them) accordingly. Your fear of being alone (it is painful at first, but not dangerous) Can be transformed into an opportunity to enjoy yourself regardless of your dating status. It will help you land that perfect mate to work through the discomfort to a place where you don’t “need” somebody for yourself...but want somebody to share your awesome self with haha.

 

It sounds from the outside like you’re experiencing some second guessing and painful adjustment which is absolutely normal, though no fun. You’re well spoken and apparently prosperous and generous...you will get through to the other side and profit from the experience if you hang in there!! Keep on keeping on man.

 

Best wishes!

 

Yes i am the one who determined the she needs to work on some things. It’s a fact. She is a miserable human being who basically made me miserable slowly over time. Wore me down to almost a shell of a person. During the times when we would actually fight and I would participate, I told her several times “I have no right to ask you to change, but if you want this to work, you need to work on being less miserable and trying to be more positive”

 

Clearly she was incapable. This is going to be a problem for her in the long run. The next guy might not be so calm and tolerant. Her last relationship she was beaten and had a gun pulled to her head. She has been in a lot of bad relationships and I hope she doesn’t remember this one as too bad at least in comparison...

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I just want to say I'm sorry you are in so much pain and glad you feel you can write it out. She and you aren't compatible. You're a nice guy and invited her in but I think you also gave her some mixed signals in the relationship. Moving in with you most likely complicated things a lot as you didn't know each other very well.

 

Learning to trust again is hard. Sometimes it feels like parts of yourself won't feel the same again and they probably won't but all relationships need a degree of trust to function.

 

You were in a relationship with her for 5 years and never told her you loved her? It sounds as if you like her looks but not much else, so why did you stay with her for so long? You feel devastated now because the relationship became a habit and habits are hard to break. How do you know that "tons of guys message her daily" and why is that of any relevance when she is not someone you love or want to start a family with? Again, it comes down to habit. Look at it as the opportunity for her to meet someone she is better suited to and for you to do the same. As you've discovered, just because someone has "model looks" it doesn't make them a nice person. You've got many years to find a good woman, but if the personality doesn't match the looks, don't drag it out for another 5 years - it's a waste of your time and hers.

 

You are right but also a little off base. Tons of guys message her on Facebook. She tells me from time to time. Until now we have been in a relationship and she has been loyal and I actually was able to trust her. That’s all there is to it. But yeah, it was my business due to the exclusivity of the relationship... I gave her trust, she did not break it.

 

I don’t think she is suited to be with anyone unless that other person wants to be totally miserable and trapped. She needs to fix that, and do it for herself.

 

And you are right. I do need to find someone I find physically attractive with a good personality, positive outlook, who is loyal, has a good work ethic, is able to be independent, wants kids soon, gets along with other people,,has a good sense of humor and doesn’t start fights all the time. Should be easy. I’ll probably just go pick one up tomorrow!!!

 

I was with her for 5 years for several reasons but mostly because I could not bear to hurt her and petrified of the process of breaking up. Also I did hope and try quite a bit to make things work. I wanted things to work. But mostly my fear of the current state I’m in.

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You mention all the things she needs to work on. To focus on you and the things that you need to work on is the better use of your time.

 

I know but this is fresh. Hell, not even at acceptance phase yet. I’m being slammed by a tsunami right now. Just trying to hold on. I’ll be working on myself down the line. Hopefully sooner than later because I’m completely unstable and non functional right now.

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