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Why Does My Friend Lying And Prioritizing Her Toxic BF Bother Me So Much?

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My used-to-be best friend is in a toxic relationship with a manipulative, gaslighting, controlling douchebag. I really wish I was exaggerating, but none of her friends like this guy. They've broken up close to 5 times in the ~9 months they've been dating. We could throw 9000 red flags and she would still make an excuse for every single one of them. He also is just all around not a guy any of us want to be around. But it's her first relationship so we chalk it up to that because we've all been there, right? Well it's gotten to a point where it is unbelievable. She's been lying to her parents, her friends, and especially herself. She told her friends she's under strict quarantine since she lives at home, we get that, she says she can't even see him, we rejoice. But she shares her location with us and we know she's been lying about it all because she's always with him. She went and explored a reopened county in our state with him (like, go into stores, eat at restaurants, etc.) but can't come sit at a picnic 8ft away from all of her friends in a PARK due to "danger of exposure" then she'll go on about how she has fomo and misses us so much. We all know she's been lying. We legit just planned a camping trip in 2 weeks and she agreed to go right away (and of course, bring her boyfriend) although she's told us just last week it'd be "months til her parents let her be around us again". My other friends are 100% done putting in effort with her. But I was closest to her and I feel like I'm failing her. But she can't be bothered to put any effort into anything that's not her boyfriend. Why do I care so much about someone who doesn't care about anyone but herself and their toxic boyfriend? Do I call her out on her crap or do I just let the friendship fade?

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She's enjoying her new relationship. Cut her some slack. I think monitoring her location is a bit over the top. She trusts all of you with that info - to believe in her and trust that she is not a bad person.


If she told you "Actually... I'd rather spend some one on one time with my bf," would any of you understand where she's coming from or would all of you think as badly about her just the same?


The issue is none of you like her boyfriend and see him as the enemy. I don't think making an enemy out of your friend is helpful. Just keep it neutral around her and stand up for her if you are a good friend and if you know her better. People have a way of doggypiling on someone just to take out their frustrations. What she chooses to do on her personal time is really her business so take the high road this time and don't sink as low as the others.

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I've been through this more than once in my lifetime. I might have been that friend that dated the guy no one liked.

All I can say is tell her how you feel. Don't hold back and then let it go. She'll hear you, but she'll continue doing exactly what she's doing.

At some point she may or may not learn her lesson and move on but there is nothing you can do about it.

In the meantime I'd just distance myself from the situation. It won't be too difficult because she probably won't be very available for the time being.

When things get rough she'll want some support, then she'll dismiss your advise and return to the same relationship over and over until she's either done or decide she will stay for good.

The only thing you have control over is how you handle your end. You can be there for her and you can decide when you've had enough. The more vocal you are about it, the more she'll either avoid you and not be honest about what's really going on.

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It's your friend's life and you have to let her live it. It's her responsibility to make her own decisions whether you agree with her or not. You have to learn to let go and let it go. Divert your attentions away from her and focus on yourself and your happiness instead.


Don't get involved in other people's lives. Know your boundaries with others.


I care about others, too. They have their own "demons" they need to live with and they cope with their poor choices. The best thing to do for your own sanity is to leave some people alone and let them deal with their own battles otherwise they'll drag you down to the point of their problems actually becoming YOUR problems. Don't try to be a hero. You can't rescue people. You have no control over other people's lives. Your intentions are good but you need to be logical and very realistic.


Throughout your lifetime, friends will come and go. It's inevitable that some friends will drift and fade away. This happens to everybody. Some are keepers for life and others will leave your life.


Keep in mind, enduring friendships are healthy, normal, stable, secure and peaceful. A roller coaster friendship is taxing and doomed for failure.


I agree with your friends. Think clearly and be kind to yourself. Don't obsess over your friend's life anymore. Concentrate on YOUR happiness and security.

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