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How to tell if he is genuinely interested or is grooming me for sex?


elyssac
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Talk after talk after talk.

 

When someone wants to be with you there is no need for multiple "talks". You would be very clear.

 

It's not that you're "not good enough for him". Stop that. It's that he wants to date around. And when he "agreed" to be exclusive he didn't enthusiastically say "I don't want to date anyone else. I want to date only you." He said "sure, I am not seeing anyone else right now anyway" That's not exactly a ringing endorsement. And if pressed he would probably say he didn't lie, right at the time you asked him he wasn't seeing anyone else. But since then, maybe, maybe not. Probably he is.

 

You are trying to force this and he is not on board. Having umpteen "talks" will not change that.

 

BTW, referring to you as a "significant other" doesn't mean diddly. It's just a convenient term. His actions are what matters.

 

Agree with this completely. If he wanted to be with you he would. And you wouldn't have to write a novel about it.

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Thanks everyone for the replies.

Have you read the book 📚 He's Just Not That Into You?

I have not read the book but I have seen the movie. I get the idea, it's pretty simple. It says if someone makes you doubt about their interest, they are just not that interested.

I mostly write here when we are having issues/doubts. But we have also gone through periods of *very high* interest. These made me feel like there was potential. He even took interest in my family and such. I figured maybe this is a fixable situation. I guess there is a balance between holding on and letting go in situations like this. I get that I need to let go now

 

It's not that you're "not good enough for him". Stop that.

Thanks for saying this. I feel a bit deceived (more on that at the end) so it just feels good to have it verified that I shouldn't think this way.

 

It's that he wants to date around.

I am sure he wants to see other people now that he is probably already seeing other people. But I am not sure if dating around is his goal. He claims he wants to find a relationship because he wants to start a family not too far in the future. Not sure how to much to take that at its face value, but I don't see a reason not to.

 

And when he "agreed" to be exclusive he didn't enthusiastically say "I don't want to date anyone else. I want to date only you." He said "sure, I am not seeing anyone else right now anyway" That's not exactly a ringing endorsement. And if pressed he would probably say he didn't lie, right at the time you asked him he wasn't seeing anyone else. But since then, maybe, maybe not. Probably he is.

I guess I don't understand how else I am supposed to approach the exclusivity talk, then. Before this conversation, he had brought up a few times, out of nowhere, that he is not dating anyone else. During that time, we had both mentioned to each other that we would want to know if the other person started seeing someone else. But that conversation wasn't saying "I want us to date exclusive" it was "here how it is currently". We had discussed it in this thread, people have been very helpful and because I decided I wanted to see him exclusively, I brought it up.

The point of this most recent conversation on exclusivity was to agree to stay exclusive. Is saying "Hey, can we date each other exclusively?" not conveying that? If someone just says "sure, I'm not dating anyone else anyway", should I say "OK, you don't sound enthusiastic enough, I am walking away, then"? If someone had asked me "can we date each other exclusively?" I would take this to mean "moving forward, this person wants us to see each other exclusively, no one else, so if I agree and then change my mind, I would have to let them know". Saying "he didn't lie" sounds like a stretch to me. The conversation reads to me that he agreed to stay exclusive and I guess I don't get how else it could be interpreted. Edit: And honestly, the fact that he kept emphasizing he was going out with a guy and lying about it makes me think he is aware he is being deceitful so I think he is aware the conversation we had meant we would continue to date each other only.

 

Moving forward, in order to avoid this issue again, how else are people supposed to agree on dating exclusively? I guess this is the important question I should be asking here.

 

And you wouldn't have to write a novel about it.

Yeah, sorry for the very long post. Thank you all for taking your time to read it!

Edited by elyssac
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I want to be able to talk about this with him

So that (1) I make sure there is no misunderstanding, (2) walk away if he decided there is nothing between us, (3) just attempt again to align us on the same page. But currently I feel so hurt. I feel as if I have been cheated on. What's worse is, I don't even know if I am validated in feeling that way. I know we never said we were in a serious relationship but we did agree to be exclusive and he did refer to me as his significant other before. I let him know I "like liked" him. I think it must be reasonable to expect that he just not see other women, period. It's also awful that whenever I try to think about how I am going to talk about this, I get tearful. In every version of the conversation in my head, I am tearful. I definitely cannot appear desperate and this vulnerable when I talk to him about this. I guess I need to practice it multiple times to appear strong. I wish this had happened like 2 months ago, before I decided I actually liked him quite a bit. I guess it has been 4-5months only, but started developing real feelings and it hurts more when that happens. I also feel like he thinks I am not good enough for him, something is missing for him so he is looking outside now. I look back and think "perhaps I should have done X/Y etc". Feeling that way, of course, does not help. Lastly, I thought this was a trustworthy, decent man. This just makes me lose trust in people in general and that feels perhaps even worse.

 

Does anyone have any advice? I think I need some support right now.

 

I don't think it's wrong of you to want to communicate with him but there's something you should understand - a lot of individuals are very poor communicators. I would be just as hurt as you are if I found out the same thing. He made it appear that you were a significant other to you and to his roommates, both of you involved each other in your daily/weekly lives and there was no room for dating anyone else. This points to mutual exclusivity in a relationship. For him to veer off and not be honest with you about seeing someone else is wrong. You are correct to feel blindsided and I understand how hurt you must be.

 

The problem with him is that he's already transgressed and crossed the line. He's appeared casual and his demeanor changed towards you, he's not making any better efforts to spend time in an exclusive relationship or to give you the time of day when you are talking. You've also discovered some information on the dating website and he's still active on it talking with others. This is just one out of many, many men (and women) who have little integrity and no conscience.

 

Count it as a huge blessing that he's skipped off into the sunset and is now someone else's problem. Remember that whatever he does to you, he's probably done to countless others and is likely to do to the next person. The common denominator here is lack of communication which is vital to any relationship. I think you dodged a bullet. Take all that hurt and turn it into something productive such as not communicating with him anymore and don't ask to meet with him during the week. This is as good as over.

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Once the "agreement" is made and you find out he is not keeping it or is hiding things from you, it's time to let him go. The thing to do is NOT to have yet another "talk" because you already know he's capable of deceit. So what good would yet another "talk" do? Do you WANT to continue to date someone who deceives you? If so, why?

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I don't think it's wrong of you to want to communicate with him but there's something you should understand - a lot of individuals are very poor communicators. I would be just as hurt as you are if I found out the same thing. He made it appear that you were a significant other to you and to his roommates, both of you involved each other in your daily/weekly lives and there was no room for dating anyone else. This points to mutual exclusivity in a relationship. For him to veer off and not be honest with you about seeing someone else is wrong. You are correct to feel blindsided and I understand how hurt you must be.

The problem with him is that he's already transgressed and crossed the line. He's appeared casual and his demeanor changed towards you, he's not making any better efforts to spend time in an exclusive relationship or to give you the time of day when you are talking. You've also discovered some information on the dating website and he's still active on it talking with others. This is just one out of many, many men (and women) who have little integrity and no conscience.

Count it as a huge blessing that he's skipped off into the sunset and is now someone else's problem. Remember that whatever he does to you, he's probably done to countless others and is likely to do to the next person. The common denominator here is lack of communication which is vital to any relationship. I think you dodged a bullet. Take all that hurt and turn it into something productive such as not communicating with him anymore and don't ask to meet with him during the week. This is as good as over.

Firstly, thanks a lot for showing sympathy! It means a lot when hurting.

I agree with you that most people are not good communicators. Honestly, I know I am not, either. But knowing that, I have been trying to communicate a bit more, but I guess it only goes as far as the other party's willingness to keep the line of communication open. I also get that it's not an attractive and exciting thing to do in a relationship -- being playful etc seems more attractive so perhaps people avoid it easily. But it does feel important to sustain any mature relationship. I kept blaming myself yesterday for not being explicit about my expectations when communicating, but thinking about it with a more clear head, I don't think this was my fault and I think I was at least a little more expressive than him about what I wanted and felt. And even if I had never communicated my expectations, I guess if he wanted to date me exclusively, he would have even without me bringing it up.

Anyway, maybe I will see it as a bullet dodged later on. Currently, I don't view it that way, probably because I had developed feelings for him, had a narrative in my head that went like " this guy is so nice and compatible in all these x,y,z ways" and still need to process being blindsided. I think I will still go for a walk with him and talk because if we are ending things now, I would want to end it face-to-face and whatever closure I get might help me move on more quickly.

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Once the "agreement" is made and you find out he is not keeping it or is hiding things from you, it's time to let him go. The thing to do is NOT to have yet another "talk" because you already know he's capable of deceit. So what good would yet another "talk" do? Do you WANT to continue to date someone who deceives you? If so, why?

 

I think you are right that a "talk" will likely not fix things. I do think it might bring some sort of closure, though. As I got to know him more, I felt like there were many similarities between his background and mine, from the size of the family, dynamics of the family members, profession of the parents, places we have lived around the world, our future goals, our professional interests and curiosities etc. And I thought I liked his personality and enjoyed spending time with him. He felt more mature than other guys I have dated. But now that I'm living through this, I think he has a selfish personality. I'm sure I'll get over him but reflecting on it, I guess these are why I have been wanting this to work out, as well as just simple attraction. Also, I'm the type of person who likes stability and I actually dislike dating new people. But I guess it's a necessary thing to do to find and establish a good relationship.

Edit: Looks like some video gets automatically embedded to my post as an ad. Not sure if everyone sees the same thing but I am not linking it.

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"Closure" is a myth.

 

I've found that when people insist they need to meet up to get "closure" their real motivation is to try to get the relationship back or to keep it. They hope the other person will want the relationship to continue.

 

I'm sure he likes you just fine and he would certainly want to keep the physical relationship going. But let me ask you this; if you found out he was having sex with other women would you be OK with continuing to date him?

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"Closure" is a myth.

 

I've found that when people insist they need to meet up to get "closure" their real motivation is to try to get the relationship back or to keep it. They hope the other person will want the relationship to continue.

 

I'm sure he likes you just fine and he would certainly want to keep the physical relationship going. But let me ask you this; if you found out he was having sex with other women would you be OK with continuing to date him?

 

Absolutely not. I don't need a FWB situation. I find that if I want to sleep with someone, it's because there is some level of both physical and emotional attraction. And if I have some sort of emotional attraction, then I don't want to be just casual with them. It would hurt me to continue this.

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Please do not apologize to me for writing a novel - that is not what I meant. I meant that if you have to write a novel it's often because you're overthinking and trying to make things more complicated to avoid the simple "not that into you" truth.

 

There is no need to be a good communicator to make your intentions simple and clear. And there's a simple reason why. When one person wants to be with another, they do not want to risk that person being snapped up by someone else - so they find a way. 15 years ago this week I was in a seemingly complicated situation. I'd seen this guy two times over a two week period, then we didn't see each other for close to two weeks but we finally made plans for a third time - the first two times were completely platonic. The back story - we'd been engaged almost 8 years earlier. Had only sporadic contact, seen each other only one time about two years earlier for a quick dinner. We reconnected to meet and catch up - because he was in town only for the summer! But sparks flew at least on my side. And he was leaving town and he was kind of newly out of a rather serious relationship -so was I - can it be any more complicated?

 

But despite all this and him being a kind of reserved/shyer side guy we got back together in a two minute conversation. Because he knew what he wanted - to make sure I knew he wanted us to give it another chance to see if we should eventually marry this time. So it was a one sentence thing. And my response was to stammer, to get teary and to say yes about 60 seconds later. Done. And the "details' took another few minutes -our intention in getting back together (potential marriage), exclusivity, plus my willingness if it worked to relocate.

 

There's no script I get it - but if it's not that simple to state your intentions towards each other it typically means it's because you're not on the same page.

 

"I'm not dating anyone else" just means what it means -that could change the very next day. The real intention needs to be "I don't want to date anyone else because I only want to be with you."

 

The rest is twisting yourself into a pretzel. Find someone who really wants you to do the twist with. In my case we've been married now almost a dozen years.

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