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How to tell if he is genuinely interested or is grooming me for sex?


elyssac
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Thanks for responding, everyone! Looks like most people think there are no obvious red flags, which is comforting to hear.
I dont mean to stir the pot. right as you seem to feel comforted...

 

but.... I always listen to my gut. If you feel he is only hanging around until you have sex, I would not just dismiss it.

 

Follow your own compass... do, say, act in accordance with your feelings. It makes no difference what others think, do or say in their relationships.

 

Your relationships are yours. You determine what works for you, with the other person of course...

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wow... you really are an over thinker :-) You are both young, he is definitely thinking about sex with you. Men dont go on that many dates and do that much talking and getting to know you stuff and not expect it to be leading to the next level of seeing each other. I dont think I've ever had a man pay that much attention to get me into bed at that age so you should be happy to find a man who would even wait for it this long. Sex is very important to a lot of men (and women), and I guess you need to decide are you wanting to sleep with him and maybe become his girlfriend? And do you require some long term commitment before you have sex with anyone? That is fine if you do, im just sussing the situation out. Because hands up here who can reel off a few boys they had sex with at your age just for a bit of fun? :p :eek: :p haha...okay everyone put ya hands back on the keyboards now ;-). Babe, he sounds lovely. Give him a chance stop over thinking everything. Go with the flow. If its meant to be it will be.

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I always listen to my gut. If you feel he is only hanging around until you have sex, I would not just dismiss it.

 

Yeah, I do have some odd gut feeling but I mostly can't tell whether that's his main focus or is just trying to advance the relationship, I guess... Thanks for responding! :)

 

wow... you really are an over thinker :-)

And do you require some long term commitment before you have sex with anyone?

Babe, he sounds lovely. Give him a chance stop over thinking everything. Go with the flow. If its meant to be it will be.

 

Haha, yes, I think I am indeed an overthinker :D I don't require a long term commitment before having sex, in fact I don't think I would want to commit to someone before having sex to see compatibility first but I guess I require that we look for the same thing (a relationship if all goes well, not interested in hookups) before I have sex. I think this all comes down to us not having talked about what we each look for in dating and me now feeling too awkward to ask that question. But looks like people think it is still OK to ask so perhaps I should just do that. Thank you! :)

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I dont mean to stir the pot. right as you seem to feel comforted...

 

but.... I always listen to my gut. If you feel he is only hanging around until you have sex, I would not just dismiss it.

 

Follow your own compass... do, say, act in accordance with your feelings. It makes no difference what others think, do or say in their relationships.

 

Your relationships are yours. You determine what works for you, with the other person of course...

 

Have to agree with this. We are not there to see the whatever it is that you see or sense, that can't really be described well in any post you are writing.

 

You have to learn to trust your own instincts. Sure, a guy who is interested in you is also interested physically. That's all normal and above board. However, if you feel that much doubt about his intentions, if your gut is screaming at you, better that you listen to it.

 

I don't know how many guys I've met where I couldn't tell you exactly what sent me bolting away from them - it might be the nth date and they invite me over and my gut screams "heck no!". Then again, I've dated guys where I was invited over fairly quickly and no problem, no doubts, no questions, totally comfortable and no unpleasant surprises from them either.

 

As for players in general, it's not about time or effort, it's about winning. They can invest months just to score if that's their goal with that woman. Different mentality and not much to do with efficiency. Sure they can get laid elsewhere today, but that's not the point, the point is winning over that woman. It's a game to them. So again, goes back to listening to your gut and being smart about dating. If it's too good to be true, it probably is. If something you can't quite put your finger on feels off, it probably is.

 

Don't rationalize away your personal alarm bells. Nobody here can see and read his body language. Only you and something about this is obviously triggering doubts.

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OK, it really is simple. Are either you or the guy in question dating with the hope for a chaste relationship?

 

Would you prefer a man who expresses no sexual interest in you?

 

Good luck in finding that in a dating situation.

 

Exactly everything. If you were not defensive, you would see this.

 

Any man interested in you romantically is interested in a sexual relationship---at some point.

 

Any woman interested in a man romantically is interested in a sexual relationship---at some point.

 

I think you were framing yourself as potentially a victim of a sexual predator.

 

Not warranted!

 

 

 

 

 

What does this have anything to do with the original post?
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In this day and age it’s pretty easy to get a hookup for sex just by swiping right enough and being direct if that’s what he really wants.

 

Do you think there’s a possibility that he’s somebody who enjoys the “conquest” at the expense of someone else’s feelings?

 

Based on your responses to everyone I will say this: if you were my daughter I would absolutely trust you 100% to make a healthy decision in the scenario you have laid out here. You seem to be an intuitive and thoughtful woman.

 

Keep us posted??

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In this day and age it’s pretty easy to get a hookup for sex just by swiping right enough and being direct if that’s what he really wants.

 

Do you think there’s a possibility that he’s somebody who enjoys the “conquest” at the expense of someone else’s feelings?

 

I think you are right that if he just wanted a one night stand, he could probably find other options that are easier/quicker to get to (i.e. other people who are also interested in hookups). I think he comes across as a really nice and responsible person but he did mention that he has slept with women that he saw no potential with before. But I don't know if these women knew he wasn't intending on pursuing them any further afterwards when they agreed to sleep together. So to answer your question: I am not really sure.

 

Based on your responses to everyone I will say this: if you were my daughter I would absolutely trust you 100% to make a healthy decision in the scenario you have laid out here. You seem to be an intuitive and thoughtful woman.

 

Keep us posted??

 

This was such a supportive and heartwarming response, thank you very much! :)

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I am going to take a chance and say he already knows you aren't an easy mark.

 

We need to give him some credit here. You've given all the indications that you aren't someone who's going to jump into bed with him.

 

Men are pretty good on picking up on whether a woman is up for a romp or not. You clearly aren't. And he's still asking you out.

 

It goes both ways. While you are trying to get a read on him, he's busy sizing you up.

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So to answer your question: I am not really sure.

 

Personally, I wouldn't be sure, either. There are so many differences in people. It takes more than 2 - 3 months to get to know someone.

 

Some guys are very direct. Some aren't comfortable enough with their own desires to be so direct.

 

Some guys enjoy the thrill of the chase. They love the challenge and can't resist running one down.

 

Some guys like to keep a couple irons on the fire at all times, which requires steady and consistent emotional 'maintenance' of women (or men).

 

Some guys actually enjoy the "love" experience and believe everything they say at the moment they say it. But then they find that they're not really up for what they thought they were.... awkward...

 

That's why you have listen to and trust your own intuition. Don't let anyone else rubber-stamp someone for you. You are the one who will deal with the consequences, not them.

 

When many or most conversations with a guy somehow seem to end up sexualized, it's a good indicator of his priorities. I speak from experience.

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My interpretation was (and is) that she doesn't want to find herself used for sex.

 

Yep, this was exactly my thoughts/concerns.

 

I think my choice of word for "grooming" was wrong and although I tried to clarify that earlier, it's possible that's why jimthzz feels like I act like a victim of a sexual predator.

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I am going to take a chance and say he already knows you aren't an easy mark.

You've given all the indications that you aren't someone who's going to jump into bed with him.

It goes both ways. While you are trying to get a read on him, he's busy sizing you up.

 

I think you are right here. I think I have been clearly presenting myself and he knows that I am interested in him but not interested in hookups.

 

 

Personally, I wouldn't be sure, either. There are so many differences in people. It takes more than 2 - 3 months to get to know someone.

When many or most conversations with a guy somehow seem to end up sexualized, it's a good indicator of his priorities. I speak from experience.

 

I think this is also right :D Trying to synthesize it all now, I think he is interested in exploring the possibility of a relationship (seems to enjoy our conversations even when it isn't sexualized) but I'd say sex is indeed a priority for him based on his recent behavior and I am alright with that. I think I am still trying to gauge if this is a good fit or not and I guess that's why we are dating.

I'll admit that I am probably overthinking way more than he is :p

 

Thank you all again :)

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I am going to take a chance and say he already knows you aren't an easy mark.

 

We need to give him some credit here. You've given all the indications that you aren't someone who's going to jump into bed with him.

 

Men are pretty good on picking up on whether a woman is up for a romp or not. You clearly aren't. And he's still asking you out.

 

It goes both ways. While you are trying to get a read on him, he's busy sizing you up.

 

Winner, winner chicken dinner. This is spot on.

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elyssac, check out this thread:

 

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=564781

 

This lady had a concern similar to yours, but it's interesting because the guy's true nature came to light in the middle of the discussion on this board.

 

They had gone out on a few dates. The guy was showing her a lot of attention and seemed to be genuinely interested in a long term relationship. He even talked to her about marriage and kids.

 

She really liked him, but didn't want to sleep with him too soon. This was both due to her personal values and due to the fact that she did not want to be used for sex.

 

Well, in the middle of her thread (post 25) she found out that the guy had a girlfriend in another town!

 

He gave her the typical sob-story, that the relationship is problematic, that he will break up with his girlfriend, yada yada yada...

 

Point is, he spent a lot of time on her, and he represented himself to be completely opposite of what he truly was.

 

Why? No reason. He just felt like it, apparently.

 

There are all sorts out there.

 

Might be worth reading this thread and/or reaching out to the poster (celine2) to get her take on the situation.

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elyssac, check out this thread:

 

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=564781

 

This lady had a concern similar to yours, but it's interesting because the guy's true nature came to light in the middle of the discussion on this board.

 

They had gone out on a few dates. The guy was showing her a lot of attention and seemed to be genuinely interested in a long term relationship. He even talked to her about marriage and kids.

 

She really liked him, but didn't want to sleep with him too soon. This was both due to her personal values and due to the fact that she did not want to be used for sex.

 

Well, in the middle of her thread (post 25) she found out that the guy had a girlfriend in another town!

 

He gave her the typical sob-story, that the relationship is problematic, that he will break up with his girlfriend, yada yada yada...

 

Point is, he spent a lot of time on her, and he represented himself to be completely opposite of what he truly was.

 

Why? No reason. He just felt like it, apparently.

 

There are all sorts out there.

 

Might be worth reading this thread and/or reaching out to the poster (celine2) to get her take on the situation.

 

Hi Elyssac, your story resonates so much with me. I shared almost the same concerns as you regarding a man I was seeing... Please read my thread and if you need more info on my story, do not hesitate to contact me. Though, I hope this man will not end up being like mine !

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In this day and age it’s pretty easy to get a hookup for sex just by swiping right enough and being direct if that’s what he really wants.

 

 

This is so true and this is precisely why men seem to have lost their natural 'instincts'... because of all those women out there (who are not few) who have made things so effortless for men and difficult for women like us who do not wish to jump quickly into a sexual relationship...

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elyssac, check out this thread:

 

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=564781

 

This lady had a concern similar to yours, but it's interesting because the guy's true nature came to light in the middle of the discussion on this board.

 

 

 

Hi Elyssac, your story resonates so much with me. I shared almost the same concerns as you regarding a man I was seeing... Please read my thread and if you need more info on my story, do not hesitate to contact me.

 

Thank you Jibralta and Celine2! I just read through your thread and wow, Celine2, what that man is doing sounds terrible! I am sorry this happened to you and looks like he acts like what he is doing is fine, which is astonishing. My respect to you for showing your integrity.

 

I don't think the man I am seeing has a girlfriend (I've met his roommate and a few of his friends through some online games he invited me to, and while I am not sure how exactly he introduced me, I know his roommate knows that we are dating and they all have been pretty nice to me. It's of course not an evidence against it but I find it unlikely). However, I do share your concern about things progressing quickly (in terms of talks of physical intimacy after our kiss) and "love bombing" (as you have referred to it in your thread) and his flirting starting to feel a little bit disingenuous/odd to me. So perhaps that is indeed a common red flag and I am trying to proceed with caution (e.g. trying not to attached too soon). Yesterday we were chatting and out of nowhere he said "I'd like to kiss you" (topic was something work related, so not flirty at all) and I pointed out that he could when we meet this weekend (he asked me out again and offered to cook dinner this weekend) and he said "who knows if I'll kiss you again, weekend is so far away, so much could happen in between", which sounded silly and meaningless to me. I don't really know what he expects to happen in between or if this was an odd attempt at flirtation or to get me to meet up sooner (he didn't ask that, though). I still feel like he might be just looking for a hookup followed by breaking it off because most conversations he starts now are flirty and have some intimate connotation --apart from some "good morning" texts-- and this sharp change makes me question his genuineness. He did mention sleeping with women he did not intend to pursue before and asked if I had done the same, as well. He claims our attraction isn't just physical but I am not sure if he really means it plus he can still change his mind or his feelings could change in the future.

 

But I think Wiseman is right, I can only speculate now and only time will show his true intentions. Perhaps he does indeed like me and wants to pursue a romantic relationship and since I like him otherwise, I plan on continuing to date him for now and I guess I will see how this weekend goes. I try to remind myself I still don't know him well and I think that keeps me a bit grounded without getting too excited about/attached to him.

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This is so true and this is precisely why men seem to have lost their natural 'instincts'... because of all those women out there (who are not few) who have made things so effortless for men and difficult for women like us who do not wish to jump quickly into a sexual relationship...

 

I am personally fine with other women choosing to hook up with people early on or do one night stands and such since everyone is looking for different things and have different values and needs. However, what I realize now is, because of that, it is actually important for me to know ahead of time what the other person is looking for (as SophiaG and bluecastle pointed out). I keep finding that question too awkward to ask but I think it is important for me to (somehow) get comfortable with asking it in the future so I don't have to question next time and stop wasting time if the other person is looking for something different.

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I think it is important for me to (somehow) get comfortable with asking it in the future so I don't have to question next time and stop wasting time if the other person is looking for something different.

 

Yeah, I agree. I think you had a good opportunity to ask when he asked you whether you were seeing anyone else or not. But it doesn't matter; you can ask any time.

 

One thing to keep in mind is that not everyone truly knows what they want. Sometimes, you discover things along the way.

 

For example, for a long time, I assumed that I wanted a serious, committed relationship. When I did online dating, I put that in my profile. And when people asked what I was looking for in a relationship, that's what I told them.

 

But if you look at my track record from age 20 to 35, my average relationship lasted 3 - 4 months. I was perfectly happy with that, and I didn't even realize it.

 

I was in my mid-30s when it finally dawned on me that I didn't actually want to be married and have children.

 

It seems crazy that I wouldn't have known that about myself, I know. I guess I was in denial about it....

 

ANYWAY, it's possible that (like me) this guy is still figuring out what he wants.

 

As Wiseman2 said, time will tell.

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You are doing the right thing using optimistic caution. Yes, hard to tell at this stage if he is making lame attempts at being 'flirty' or trying to steer it too hard in the sexual direction. So far he seems interested in you overall.

I can only speculate now and only time will show his true intentions. Perhaps he does indeed like me and wants to pursue a romantic relationship and since I like him otherwise, I plan on continuing to date him for now and I guess I will see how this weekend goes. I try to remind myself I still don't know him well and I think that keeps me a bit grounded without getting too excited about/attached to him.
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Wanted to give an update here.

We had our date this weekend and spent the night together and based on this last date, I think he does actually like me (although I am not sure if this will work out in the end).

We had a pretty disappointing first (and second) sex, I think. I can confidently say it was unfortunately the most unsatisfactory sexual experience I had so far and while I am not sure if it's the same with him, I am pretty sure he was disappointed, too. I think he likes me because despite that, he asked to meet up for a walk in the park some time during the week and then see each other again next weekend so I don't think he is seeing me just for sex. At least, if I were hooking up with someone just for sex, I would have called this quits. I guess he could still change his mind, though but I think he must have felt some sort of connection, too.

 

We both seem attracted to each other and get turned on by each other but it seems when we get down to business, we are pretty out of sync (I felt similarly the first few times we kissed, too). I am not so sure if this is a compatibility issue or just requires some time and effort to "get in sync", I guess we will see that. He says he usually has trouble orgasming when he sleeps with a new partner for the first time and we can play around/try stuff and figure each other out (I don't think either of us came close to orgasming, unfortunately). On the plus side, we had very open communication during the act (asking for feedback, trying to describe to each other what we like and dislike) and I am glad to see he would like us to try and improve together instead of just saying "yeah, no, this was no good, let's call it quits". However, I felt pretty much nothing during sex (both times although second time I was more relaxed and enjoyed it better overall) and we have so different styles that I am not sure if exploring will actually help that much. But yeah, I no longer have concerns over feeling used and I guess we will see how this will go. We did end up cuddling all night and had a pleasant breakfast so at least that was very nice.

 

Thanks again everyone for chiming in!

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