He is not sexually attracted to me...

[Clea]

Hi guys,

I am looking for some advice what more I can do.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 and a half years now, living together almost 4 years from that.

 

Our relationship was okay, but last 6 months, sex has not been too much often topic and literally nothing happened in last 2 months of lockdown. First I blamed it on our jobs, we both work long unsociable times (he sometimes comes home at 11 pm, leaves at 8 am and I mostly work till midnight), but with lockdown on, I though we will enjoy each others company more and more. He works from home, so he still spend lots of time in his office either working or playing WoW to unwind. I tried to be understanding, but in the end it broke me and messed my head. To put in context, I was badly cheated on by my ex, he was borderline abusive and to top this all up, on the beginning of this year, one of my childhood friends committed suicide. So my boyfriend and I sat down to talk on Saturday and he told me that he is no longer attracted to me in terms of sex. But that he loves me.

 

I obviously completely broke down, but I also became angry once he said this has been going on for 6 months, that he tried to deal with it himself, but he’s not successful and that he does not want to be in relationship without sex. It is my opinion that we should have dealt with it together from start and that he should have told me asap.

I asked him to give us a chance to actually reconnect, I acknowledged that we drifted apart, things have changed, like I gained weight (which he adamantly keeps saying that is not the issue, but I decided to work on it anyways). He also agreed to spend more time with me, after I told him that I feel lonely all the time with him being constantly in his office. But now I am not sure he is spending the time with me just from charity feeling or because he really wants to give it a try. I know that he is not cheating, I asked him, he said that there is no one else and I trust him. I suggested to take walks together, do movie nights, actually eat dinner in the same room, not sure what else can I do now during lockdown. I also decided not to pressure for too much physical contact, just the occasional hug, as I don’t want him to feel cornered into doing something he does not want to.

 

I really don’t want to loose him, he is my closest person here, I love him with all my heart and I know that without him, I would probably move back in to my old country. I just think that we should give this a chance, but I am also afraid that I am fighting a loosing battle.

Does anyone have any advice on what to do more?

 

Thanks. K.

[Andrina]

he is no longer attracted to me in terms of sex. That's a really frank thing to say to you, knowing you might walk away for good, hearing that. That would tell me that he no longer cares. He just bailed from intimacy with you without any discussion until you brought it up, and didn't do anything to improve things himself, with communication and action.

 

I suggested to take walks together, do movie nights, actually eat dinner in the same room, not sure what else can I do now during lockdown. I also decided not to pressure for too much physical contact, just the occasional hug, as I don’t want him to feel cornered into doing something he does not want to. You're the only one driving the train. Perhaps he's just going along for the ride for now because he's a coward and it's easier to ride along instead of the drama that will happen if he breaks up with you.

 

I was badly cheated on by my ex, he was borderline abusive Never bring emotional baggage into a new relationship. Perhaps this is the cause of this relationship's demise, even though your bf hasn't voiced this. Or has he complained about your baggage throughout the relationship?

 

I really don’t want to loose him, he is my closest person here, I love him with all my heart and I know that without him, I would probably move back in to my old country. Sounds like you made him the center of your universe and don't have much going on in a support system without him. This would be smothering to any partner. Why haven't you formed friendships and engaged in hobbies so that you have an independent life besides having a partner? If you did, a breakup would be upsetting but not the devastation you're envisioning because he's the entirety of your whole life.

 

If it were me, and a guy said this to me and I was the only one making the effort to improve things, I'd have to admit he didn't really love me after all and would take the bull by the horns and end things myself.

[MissCanuck]

How was your relationship going prior to lockdown?

 

I'm curious if something happened 6 months ago that may have formed this crack in your relationship.

[Tinydance]

Well to be really honest, if he's not sexually attracted to you but he "loves" you, then it's just as a friend? I'm actually not sure how you can change it if he's not sexually into you. Have you actually had no sex for six months? That's a pretty long time! Have you asked your boyfriend if he actually wants to continue the relationship? I mean the problem is that sexual attraction can't be forced.

[Clea]

He cares, he said himself he did not know what to do, admitted we should have talked before.

 

I know I am the one driving it, and I know it looks like he does not want any drama... But he said he wants to try this. He did come up with an idea for a weekend.

 

This emotional baggage resurfaced recently, when my current boyfriend started acting strange...

 

He kinda is my centre. Because I am either with him, or at work. I do have some hobbies, but most of my friends are back in my country. I don’t make friends easily.

 

I considered ending it, but I want to give it a shot before I do anything like that. Plus can’ t move away while on lockdown, so stuck in house anyways.

[Clea]

We were super tied up with our jobs, but otherwise it wasn’t bad.

 

I thought of what happened 6 months ago, and it was work. We both got loads of extra responsibilities and no raise.

[Clea]

Well to be really honest, if he's not sexually attracted to you but he "loves" you, then it's just as a friend? I'm actually not sure how you can change it if he's not sexually into you. Have you actually had no sex for six months? That's a pretty long time! Have you asked your boyfriend if he actually wants to continue the relationship? I mean the problem is that sexual attraction can't be forced.

 

Not sure how you have it but for me there is different love between friends and lovers and the only difference is not just sexual attraction. We had some sex in past 6 months. I asked him and he said the is will try to work on it. I know you can’t force the attraction, but we lost sense of intimacy, so therefor the more time together. Maybe it will help...

[Andrina]

You refuted every bit of advice and insight every poster has given. So, just see if you get results from all of the efforts you're currently trying. Time will tell if everything improves or not. He's still going to feel smothered, though, since you've labeled yourself with the sabotaging prophecy as not making friends easily.

[DancingFool]

You've been together for 4 years, so I don't think it's something so clear cut as "oooops I'm not attracted to you". More likely, as you said yourself, it's a combination of working crazy hours as well as losing some emotional connection and intimacy.

 

Bottom line is that if he is willing to work on things as are you, then just give in an honest shot. Don't doubt or question his intentions because that alone will stop you from reconnecting as you will be holding yourself back and he'll sense it. He had the balls to tell you what he thinks the problem is and that's not a light or easy thing to say. So give him the benefit of the doubt that when he is putting forth effort to fix the problem, he actually means that. There are no guarantees that it will all work out, but you won't know until you both give it an honest shot.

 

Working long and bad hours takes a huge physical toll and yes, libido can drop like a rock with that. Hardly uncommon. So again, not sure how much it's about you and how much it's lifestyle/work related. Recovery isn't instant either.

 

What stands out to me is that he is hearing you and is offering freely to put up the effort. That's not a person who just wants out without a fight. It would be so much easier for him to tell you what he did and then talk about parting ways, aka striking while the iron is hot.

[Rose Mosse]

That's a really low blow. To tell someone they are not sexually appealing and yet say that he still loves you is a scoundrel's answer to life. He should be pulling the plug right there and being very honest with you without running away from the issues to play WoW in his office. In my opinion there is no working on this unless you change your body shape and that will take time. I think the relationship is already tainted with those comments.

 

Don't pursue him anymore. The more you try the less and less appealing you become and you sell your soul more and more. And for what? He can very well come to you if he wants any answers about the relationship.

 

This person is already a figment of your past and your imagination because he's willed himself so. He doesn't care because he knows you have no other alternatives and you've got nothing else going for you except to go back home to your family. Learn to stand your ground and take care of yourself if you need to. Are there absolutely no work options or work alternatives so that you are able to support yourself?

 

For the meantime, I'd cool it and let the dust settle for the next two weeks. In that time start rebuilding and planning. As for him, you can watch and see whether his demeanor changes after you back off for a bit.

[Lambert]

That's a really low blow. To tell someone they are not sexually appealing and yet say that he still loves you is a scoundrel's answer to life. He should be pulling the plug right there and being very honest with you without running away from the issues to play WoW in his office. In my opinion there is no working on this unless you change your body shape and that will take time. I think the relationship is already tainted with those comments.

 

Don't pursue him anymore. The more you try the less and less appealing you become and you sell your soul more and more. And for what? He can very well come to you if he wants any answers about the relationship.

 

This person is already a figment of your past and your imagination because he's willed himself so. He doesn't care because he knows you have no other alternatives and you've got nothing else going for you except to go back home to your family. Learn to stand your ground and take care of yourself if you need to. Are there absolutely no work options or work alternatives so that you are able to support yourself?

 

For the meantime, I'd cool it and let the dust settle for the next two weeks. In that time start rebuilding and planning. As for him, you can watch and see whether his demeanor changes after you back off for a bit.

I agree with Rose. Furthermore, I think your approach of not pressuring him, is exactly the kind of thinking that might have helped perpetuate this situation. Not saying its your fault. Its takes two, so he is in this with you 50%. but shame in him playing the not attracted card.

 

That's a slap in the face and really hard to muster up some good old fashioned confidence and sex appeal to fix it. After 4 years, he could have done better.

 

Now you're nervous and hoping to win him back with love and kindness. Sadly, that rarely works when a person doesnt value you.

 

I would dump him. smack him right back with a "on second thought, I'm sorry you can't get it up. I can do better than your lame butt"

 

Start working on yourself, while you figure out your next steps. Let him see for himself, he'll miss you, when he doesn't have you hanging on his last word.

 

I know its hard... but I would not play the wounded bird. You're not attracted to me? Fine. I am dumping you, because treating me like crap, makes you very unattractive to me.

 

you desrve better.

[MissCanuck]

This emotional baggage resurfaced recently, when my current boyfriend started acting strange...

 

What was strange about his behaviour?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this, sad situation. Corona is impacting many relationships negatively. Divorce rates and breakups are soaring.

 

Do either of you feel depressed? Sometimes that can lead to low libido and withdrawal. Have you dealt with your loneliness, homesickness and friend's death?

 

Has he dealt with his job changes and isolation from coworkers? It seems he has always avoided you through excessive work hours.

[Spawn]

take time off from your work and your separate lives.

Spend some time together doing some fun stuff

It will never happen unless you both want it, i guess he is taking the easy way out.

Long hours of working is just an excuse also to be honest, it also impacts your personal well being, the whole thought about working more and having a good sex life is stupidity.

Stress and depression can take over people who put in lot if hours at work and in turn effect other parts of relationship, where do you have time to think about sex, your mind is at work always