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Thank you for accepting me into the forum. 2 year relationship. We broke up a year ago. I was too needy and she’d lost her autonomy. I’d made a few choice remarks about not always feeling cared about, and she took it deeply to heart and couldn’t get past it. For those believing in attachment styles, she is certainly avoidant while she brought out the anxious in me. I’m usually a bit avoidant too but I guess she has that effect on me. I begged the night of. We were devastated. Then I let her go.

 

2 weeks NC. She called me at 3am crying. She wanted to talk but not about the breakup. A year later. She still calls or texts literally throughout every waking hour of the day until winding down and telling me goodnight every night at about 1am. She initiates contact each day. It’s my way to discipline myself against bugging her. I initiate dates. We usually see one another twice a week. We are physically intimate but there are definitely boundaries. Any attempt to discuss her committing, and she gets very uncomfortable and shuts down. Every few months I do it anyway because I love her and limbo sucks. It never goes well.

 

2 months ago, her beloved grandmother is diagnosed with terminal cancer. My ex is focused on helping with this and has been living with family an hour away throughout the week days. She still texts/calls as often, still sees me when she’s home, most everything is still the same. As far as other people, when I hit a wall with her a while back, I dated for a while. We ended up talking about it. She said she got jealous and tried to find more guys to talk to, but it took her an evening of talking to new guys on social media to realize It wasn’t what she wanted. I have since stopped dating other girls because it felt empty and pointless, and as embarrassing as it is my ex girlfriend and I agreed to be exclusive. Yes. You read that correctly.

 

Okay last month, we are having a few good weeks. Closer than we’d been, she was getting more flirtatious and consistent with things. I had totally been non reactive and barely asking for things where she was coming to me more. I then cracked and told her how much it hurts to stay in limbo. She had to leave the next day to be with her grandmother. She has been gone ever since. Still talking to me throughout every day. Finally last week, after a month, I asked to see her and got a maybe. I asked why she was scared. She said the recent meltdown and she hates herself for hurting me. I told her I’d like to put it behind us, but I understand she has a lot going on and maybe it’s time for the break we’ve talked about for a long time. I said we could just go no contact a while and see what happens. Or we could put a limit on it and meet in three months at a restaurant and see what we got. We can make it a game. She said because her grandmother, she is afraid to commit to a time to see me or she might stand me up. I said well let’s just go with general NC and take time and not worry about it. She said okay. I went to close the conversation, and she said “but we’re still meeting in August, right?” I said “I thought you didn’t want to lol” and she said “no just not a specific day lol”. I told her I felt like I had been carrying this show for the most part, and I think it’s fair that she reaches out to me then and we can set a date. She agreed that it’s fair and she will contact me when we had outlined for her to do so. We have tossed this idea around before, but she didn’t agree and wanted to keep interacting, just no commitment for a relationship. I am now tired of this and want out of purgatory.

 

I told her that because I’m still sorta her boyfriend and definitely still her best friend, that I hope she’ll still reach out if she needs support dealing with her dying grandmother. She thanked me. And we joked a little more and said goodnight. I am now a week into NC. I miss her so much. I’ve grown so much from our unhealthy codependency when we were together. I didn’t even mention seeing her the recent month. When I finally brought it up, it was curiosity rather than desperation. I worry by giving her the three month NC endpoint, that she’s not feeling the emotions of loss that NC is supposed to evoke. I want a blank slate where words start meaning something again and where she can stop associating me with being strapped down. I have plans to meet her on our date, if it happens, and become far less available at first. I will shoot for shorter public dates, every two weeks rather than every week at first; and I will show her that patient and simple are the only things I’m interested in right now. Any words on recovering from “breaks” would be very much appreciated. I know most people would write someone off in this scenario. Right now I’m very focused on my career day to day and want to use NC as a last chance toward making headway here, though.

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She doesn't want to commit to a relationship but she's already been in a relationship with you and you're both not seeing anyone else. Are you sure she's not dangling the R word (relationship) like a carrot infront of you when the both of you are already dating and the carrot's already had? Sounds like semantics and a whole lot of manipulation to me.

 

If she's playing mind games with you just call her out on it and don't play into it anymore. It seems like a much ado over nothing and both of you are behaving and acting as if you are in a relationship. She's just got commitment issues and can't admit to it.

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