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My wife and I have been married for nearly 4 years. I had moved to a city nearly 2.5 hrs from where I am from for a job and subsequently met my wife and got married and bought a house here. I left my job last year and now have no ties to the city we live in. All my family are back home while my wife's family are pretty much round the corner. They come round nearly every few days uninvited and my wife goes to see them often. I feel trapped here and I miss my family tremendously as we can't see them that often. I have brought up the possibility of moving maybe half way so that we would be between families but my wife told me that there was no way she wanted to live in the middle of nowhere away from her family. I don't know what to do now. If I stay here I'll be pretending that I am happy to stay. My wife can be dominating and I do find resentment occurring on my part as she can be so close to her family but I can't be close to mine. Any advice would be appreciated thank you.

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Do you both work? Any plans for kids? Talk about boundaries with in-laws.

I had moved to a city nearly 2.5 hrs from where I am from for a job and subsequently met my wife and got married and bought a house here.

 

my wife's family are pretty much round the corner. They come round nearly every few days uninvited and my wife goes to see them often.

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We both work. My new work is about a 2hr drive away. She works in my home city a couple of days a week and travels by train and works from home the rest of the time. So moving would cut both our commutes. I've brought up boundaries several times but this doesn't get respected.

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Did you guys ever talk before you got married about moving or being closer to your family ?

 

How well does she compromise on other things in the relationship?

 

Is this the first time you will really stand up for your own needs?

 

I can understand the resentment. And I wonder, if you were complicit in setting this dynamic, with her leading and you going along, as it is now. Its so easy in the beginning, to not want to make waves, but then its like you handed over your choices to another person.

 

Are you willing to end the relationship over this?

 

I think you're going to need to have a very serious conversation about being unhappy... and its probably best to get your own thoughts together and what you're willing to compromise or sacrifice.

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Thanks for the reply.

I did mention that at some stage I would like to move but never put a time frame on it.

I do agree that I have contributed to this dynamic of going along with things as it was easier not to rock the boat.It is difficult to get her to compromise and the longer we have been married the more obvious it has become. Our house was her choice and most of the house is full of her ideas. It feels that I am just here to have paid for most of the house and to help out her family. I guess I have been too nice but as I am starting to voice my opinions it has definitely led to some issues between us. I do find that there are issues of a lack of respect for me and my lack of boundaries to date has probably contributed to this.

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Living in the middle will not work. It serves neither of you. It only works if you BOTH don't want to be around either family closely or said families are within an hour of eachother or something like that.

 

Instead of being miserable - here is what i suggest.

 

1) VISIT your family. You said you can't that often. Make time. Unless they live on another continent, carve out time. save up. If that means you go visit them solo a few times a year for a weekend or so, and then you visit together for a holiday - make it work. Say "I really like having your family around, but i want to see mine more. I think if i were to go for a night or two for some quick visits, that would really help me being able to o that" or just say "i am going to visit mom and dad for a night or two because i miss them" If its money, work a few hours overtime.

 

2) BOUNDARIES. "I like your family, but i really want them to call first before coming over or for us to actually invite them over. Its hard for me for them to always drop by unexpectedly." Also, plan dates or plan times with other people so you are not so available for them. Make plans with your guy friends - don't always be available to them

 

moving will not solve the problems, because it will just change who the miserable person is. And your wife may not have the job prospects in your home town that you do.

 

You knew you were going to live near her folks from the get go. It wasn't a surprise.

 

"vaguely mentioning" the idea about moving near your parents does not cut it. You had to do more than that and offer a more concrete plan.

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We both work. My new work is about a 2hr drive away. She works in my home city a couple of days a week and travels by train and works from home the rest of the time. So moving would cut both our commutes. I've brought up boundaries several times but this doesn't get respected.

 

Then don't just bring it up ENFORCE them "we both have to get up early tomorrow. It was nice of you to stop by. Would you like a slice of cake to take home with you?" and shuffle them out. If you both work near your parents, i think its foolish to not live closer to work if its 2 hours away unless you have a farm or something and don't want to live in the city. Why can't your parents visit YOU?

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That's a horrendous commute. I cannot imagine commuting 2 hrs each way. She is not being fair. Where is the compromise!

 

You need to establish some boundaries and stop being a doormat!

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OK, 2-hour commute guy here, if you live halfway between the two families, that seems reasonable to me.

 

Living an hour away from both, that would allow you some privacy and make you less of an add-on to her world. I think you ought to stand up for this.

 

But, take her to a likely area and show he how nice it is.

 

And lay out why you want to move. If she totally shuts it dow, ask her why.

 

You are not being unreasonable.

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I wonder if she'd be down for a short stint of couples counciling?

I mention this because even if you were to get her to agree on the move, there's other issues that you two will just carry with you. The dynamic with her family. The resentment you feel about her wanting control all the time.

Communication issues and working as a team.

What you said about feeling sometimes like you are just there to pay for most of the house and support her and her family stood out to me. That's a big problem, as she's your wife and she's the one meant to have your back in this world. I'd want to figure that out - is this just bad habits you two fell into, or is she really more all about herself and you aren't seen as an equal/teammate in this relationship?

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Thanks for the reply.

I did mention that at some stage I would like to move but never put a time frame on it.

I do agree that I have contributed to this dynamic of going along with things as it was easier not to rock the boat.It is difficult to get her to compromise and the longer we have been married the more obvious it has become. Our house was her choice and most of the house is full of her ideas. It feels that I am just here to have paid for most of the house and to help out her family. I guess I have been too nice but as I am starting to voice my opinions it has definitely led to some issues between us. I do find that there are issues of a lack of respect for me and my lack of boundaries to date has probably contributed to this.

 

The move is a symptom of this much larger problem in the marriage.

 

Does she have any idea how you are feeling? Not the move.... the resentment? that you are just the bank roll (for her desires) in what your life together is?

 

I think before tackling the subject of the move, you gotta step back and explain how you're feeling, the lack of respect and boundaries. And how incredibly lonely and unseen that must make you feel in your own life.

 

Any spouse should not want their spouse to feel like that...

 

I asked if you were willing to divorce over this. Although you didnt say, I think its important for your wife to know how you feel and if you are at or approaching a breaking point.

 

People (our partners) can not give us what we need, if we did not make these things known to them. You owe her that much. At least give her a chance to hear how you feel.

 

She may not even know. If this is the way you've always let it go, she's not fully to blame and needs to be set straight. And then you can decide from there....

 

Maybe that includes counseling, because of the arguing etc, you may need it to help keep the conversations productive. You guys have a serious problem and you both have to work to fix it.

 

Do you have children?

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My wife and I have been married for nearly 4 years. I had moved to a city nearly 2.5 hrs from where I am from for a job and subsequently met my wife and got married and bought a house here. I left my job last year and now have no ties to the city we live in. All my family are back home while my wife's family are pretty much round the corner. They come round nearly every few days uninvited and my wife goes to see them often. I feel trapped here and I miss my family tremendously as we can't see them that often. I have brought up the possibility of moving maybe half way so that we would be between families but my wife told me that there was no way she wanted to live in the middle of nowhere away from her family. I don't know what to do now. If I stay here I'll be pretending that I am happy to stay. My wife can be dominating and I do find resentment occurring on my part as she can be so close to her family but I can't be close to mine. Any advice would be appreciated thank you.

 

I can't tell which is worse: the location of your house or your wife. There's a lot of resentment coming through there. Are you sure this is about moving or is this about how your wife neglects you or the marriage?

 

I think if you move now, the marriage will fare no better and resentment will continue to pile up over time.

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Thanks for all the replies.

At the moment we don't have children.

I do realise now that I have played my part in just going along with things and not really putting much emphasis on what I need. When I moved to her home town I thought I could cope being far away and occasionally seeing my family maybe once a month. But as time has gone on I realise that it isn't enough for me especially since she sees her family all the time. Given the lockdown this has made things much worse for me as I haven't been able to travel to see them. My parents are getting older and are going to find it much more difficult to travel to see me. I worry that I will end up regretting not spending time with them.

When I have mentioned this she tells me that I see my family enough and when I say I want to visit on my own she gets upset that I didn't ask her to come or she will manoeuvre things so she can come and visit her other family/friends in the area. When I do mention that I am stuggling to settle here her answer is always that I should just spend more time with her family but I can't substitute my family for them and ignore how i feel.

 

It's difficult as she can be really sweet and nice one moment and then can be rude/controlling with a single comment so at times I feel I'm just on edge. It feels like I am living some one elses life and whatever things I wanted to do have taken a backseat.

 

I have mentioned counselling and we will arrange this and see how things go. I do struggle to communicate with her as sometimes I in myself feel my feelings are silly but at times she can turn things against me or hold me responsible for her own feelings.

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Thanks for all the replies.

At the moment we don't have children.

I do realise now that I have played my part in just going along with things and not really putting much emphasis on what I need. When I moved to her home town I thought I could cope being far away and occasionally seeing my family maybe once a month. But as time has gone on I realise that it isn't enough for me especially since she sees her family all the time. Given the lockdown this has made things much worse for me as I haven't been able to travel to see them. My parents are getting older and are going to find it much more difficult to travel to see me. I worry that I will end up regretting not spending time with them.

When I have mentioned this she tells me that I see my family enough and when I say I want to visit on my own she gets upset that I didn't ask her to come or she will manoeuvre things so she can come and visit her other family/friends in the area. When I do mention that I am stuggling to settle here her answer is always that I should just spend more time with her family but I can't substitute my family for them and ignore how i feel.

 

It's difficult as she can be really sweet and nice one moment and then can be rude/controlling with a single comment so at times I feel I'm just on edge. It feels like I am living some one elses life and whatever things I wanted to do have taken a backseat.

 

I have mentioned counselling and we will arrange this and see how things go. I do struggle to communicate with her as sometimes I in myself feel my feelings are silly but at times she can turn things against me or hold me responsible for her own feelings.

 

There is a huge imbalance in your relationship. I agree with you these subversive behaviours coming from her are negative and don't validate your concerns or feelings at all. Is she annoyed with you about something? In the end I do think it IS on you to change the pattern of things and start seeing your family more. Don't let her attitude erode your confidence.

 

I feel like both of you are joined at the hip in a very unhealthy way. She doesn't appear to be comfortable spending time on her own and appears to need her family within a short distance a great deal and she also needs to visit and see others while having you around all the time. What is she so afraid of?

 

People who are rude and controlling or passive aggressive and insecure usually are terribly afraid of something that hurts them or has hurt them in the past. She is afraid of being alone or maybe even afraid of what others think of her marriage especially if she doesn't feel confident about the marriage and has resentment built up between the both of you. Like I mentioned above, don't let her attitude erode your confidence and how you treat or see your family. If she wants to visit her friends and others she knows while you both travel to see your parents, you can cheerfully ask her take her own car along. It's a bit stale being in the same car or vehicle all the time, no? If you both have vehicles, it gives you both some autonomy and freedom and you don't have to be joined at the hip.

 

If you only have one vehicle, I'd make a strong suggestion to visit family on your own and leave her out of it. You can tell her cheerfully (again) and firmly this is about you visiting your family and you'd rather have some uninterrupted time for that as it's something that will make you happy and feel better. See how she reacts to that or if she takes it personally. This really isn't about her so she shouldn't be inserting herself in there.

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Thanks for all the replies.

At the moment we don't have children.

I do realise now that I have played my part in just going along with things and not really putting much emphasis on what I need. When I moved to her home town I thought I could cope being far away and occasionally seeing my family maybe once a month. But as time has gone on I realise that it isn't enough for me especially since she sees her family all the time. Given the lockdown this has made things much worse for me as I haven't been able to travel to see them. My parents are getting older and are going to find it much more difficult to travel to see me. I worry that I will end up regretting not spending time with them.

When I have mentioned this she tells me that I see my family enough and when I say I want to visit on my own she gets upset that I didn't ask her to come or she will manoeuvre things so she can come and visit her other family/friends in the area. When I do mention that I am stuggling to settle here her answer is always that I should just spend more time with her family but I can't substitute my family for them and ignore how i feel.

 

It's difficult as she can be really sweet and nice one moment and then can be rude/controlling with a single comment so at times I feel I'm just on edge. It feels like I am living some one elses life and whatever things I wanted to do have taken a backseat.

 

I have mentioned counselling and we will arrange this and see how things go. I do struggle to communicate with her as sometimes I in myself feel my feelings are silly but at times she can turn things against me or hold me responsible for her own feelings.

 

Your feelings aren't silly. And it's unfair for her to turn them around on you. I think when she does that, you gotta keep your cool, call time out and tell her, its hard to express your feelings, when you feel like she turns them against you.

 

You have to call her on things in the moment. She needs to understand that you are trying to fix something that is fundamentally flawed between you. she needs to respect that and work with you.

 

You gotta get her to understand that and see if she can 'go there' with you. That's really the crux of this whole thing, she's getting her way and your miserable.

 

Does she want this to change? And how do you feel about it, if she responds poorly?

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[quote=manatee;7219476

When I have mentioned this she tells me that I see my family enough and when I say I want to visit on my own she gets upset that I didn't ask her to come or she will manoeuvre things so she can come and visit her other family/friends in the area. When I do mention that I am stuggling to settle here her answer is always that I should just spend more time with her family but I can't substitute my family for them and ignore how i feel.

 

 

 

So what if she comes and sees her friends while you see her parents.

 

When you marry, your spouse's family become your family. There is a little truth to it. Get your own friends, etc as well. She might be difficult, but maybe you also need to budge a little, too

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Tell her the commute is killing you, and you want to move closer to your family where work is. Don't move halfway - imagine trying to get home if the kids have some school event or they threw up, and daycare needs you to pick them up? Plus, it inconvenients both families to come help babysit for date nights out.

 

It's one thing to be homesick, but it's another to have a 2 hour daily commute that is continuous - not temp or contract work. Show her all the savings by moving back - take your time to find a place you both would love.

 

And in the meantime, tell her once is a week please for visits - you need to time to decompress from your two hour commute home! My hubs commuted for two years two hours each way, but there was an end in sight!

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Thanks for the advice all. I did mention I wanted to see my parents on my day off whilst she was working so I was happy to go on my own as I was feeling a bit lonely at home. She started arguing that I should ask her if she wanted to come and that I don't prioritise her. She goes to see her parents on her own all the time so I don't see what I did wrong as she didn't want to take a day off work. How is that fair?

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Thanks for the advice all. I did mention I wanted to see my parents on my day off whilst she was working so I was happy to go on my own as I was feeling a bit lonely at home. She started arguing that I should ask her if she wanted to come and that I don't prioritise her. She goes to see her parents on her own all the time so I don't see what I did wrong as she didn't want to take a day off work. How is that fair?

 

It's not about "fair" - because sometimes things won't be fair on either side and it's for better or for worse. The question you should be asking yourself is "I feel frustrated with her response. How can I tell her that in a calm, direct, way that focuses on how I feel and not some abstract notion of what is fair" So how about "I feel frustrated when I take some time on my own to see my parents while you are busy working and you react with disappointment. I am sorry I hurt your feelings and it wasn't my intention. What do you think we should do differently next time I want to see my parents and you are working?" Keep it specific not the escalating "you don't prioritize me" or "it's not fair".

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