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Does this sound like an emotionally abuse relationship?


Roadtoheal
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Hi,

 

Does this sound like an emotionally abusive relationship?

 

2.5 year relationship (cohabitated for a year) - 30 me (F) and 32 (M). Actually met through his cousin 3 years ago, his cousin always liked me and wanted to be with me but we ended up having a connection and got into a serious relationship instead.

 

Now I’m doubting our connection my sister said he seems emotionally abusive, but she’s always been known to be over dramatic.

 

Examples of things that make me unhappy in this relationship:

 

- Secretive conversations will his female friends (would have video calls with them once a month when I wasn’t around) - only saw this because he left his phone on the chat screen once and I saw it open, nothing dodgy in the conversations, very friend like.. and they have known each other for many years prior to me being in the scene.

 

^ I don’t have an issue with female friends, but double standards I do. If it were me having those secretive video chats with a guy, I know it wouldn’t fly with him.

 

- Angry over small things, yell and loose his temper. Never hit me, but has yelled at me many times. Apologises afterwards when I make a point that it wasn’t acceptable to speak like that.. only after having it escalate and blow out of proportion.

 

- Shutdown and get angry whenever I mentioned how I was feeling upset about something in the relationship.

 

- Would say things like “don’t say another word or I’m going to loose my !” If I was bringing something to his attention that I didn’t like, in hope of discussing it. Avoided communicating about things.

 

- Get drunk alone while I was sober on a Saturday night when we were meant to be spending it together chilling out, instead spends it calling all his boys while I sit there waiting for him to be done.. hint at him talking to his friends another time so we can spend time together, and get told I’m being controlling and he starts to get angry and tells me not to start a problem.

 

- Would always ask who messaged me when he hears my phone go off, but if I ask him that I get told I’m being nosy.

 

- Was alright for him to have drinks with female colleagues while away at work conferences, but if I were to have a beer with a male colleague he’d get all paranoid (I broke his trust once in our relationship) - so this I understand. He works in events and when away at big road shows would be out socialising with a lot of people.

 

- Would ask for a back massage which I always gave, but he would never massage me when I asked - his excuse was “I’m not good at giving them”. Ask me to do things for him and I did, when I asked for things he would get annoyed and do it reluctantly.

 

- Would speak with a tone and aggressive manner sometimes, when called up about it would get angry but if I speak to him that way he looses it and demands an apology.

 

Do these sound like emotional abusive things?

 

Thanks in advance!

Edited by Roadtoheal
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He sounds abusive, controlling and shady in my books. But regardless whether you define his behavior as abusive, his double standards, short temper and inability to communicate are huge red flags and should be deal breakers IMO. Why do you stay in an unhappy relationship without any hope to improve (he isn't even open to discuss it)?

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Thanks for the all the replies. I’m not happy, and haven’t been for a while. I feel we speak completely different love languages (we have different needs in a relationship) he is not emotional at all.

 

It’s good to have clarity around if this is abusive behaviour. We both love each other very much so that makes it hard, but my sister has convinced me I should leave him.

 

As much as it’ll break my heart I think I will follow my sisters advice to leave.

 

I just wanted some outside opinions to verify my sisters thoughts, because she is quite the drama queen and likes to make things worse than they seem.. but she must be right about him.

 

The more I think about it the more I think how have I put up with this for so long, guess love is blind? But now I’m finally starting to see the light.

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That’s the thing, I always speak up for myself when he’s being unfair. I call him out on his behaviour when I feel it’s not acceptable, which just makes him angry and turns into an argument. Or he downplays it and is quick to say “oh but you do this and that etc” immediately says something I’ve done wrong before, or the reason he’s acting that way is because of something I’ve done or said.

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Hm but he will yell at me and lash out verbally with anger? I have been making excuses for that this whole time thinking that is just his anger problem - and we all have our faults.

 

Anger issues are a major problem. Stop excusing!

 

His behavior is not love. You should have listened to your sister, and you knew that all of this was not healthy.

Edited by Hollyj
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Been with my husband for over 30 years...he doesn't yell at me, or make me feel resentful, doesn't video chat with other women, doesn't get drunk when we have plans, and is respectful of my feelings. You need to dump this guy. Your relationship of only a year and a half sounds like a crappy relationship full of deal breakers. Girl give your head a shake....you are in a terrible situation. That's not a healthy relationship...no guy is worth a second chance that acts like that. Get out now...your sister isn't being dramatic, she's calling it like it is. She's your sister! give her some credit, she does actually care about you. Your feelings on this is totally misplaced.

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I feel your reply is quite harsh and insensitive. Don’t know if you have been in my position before in a relationship, but it’s not easy to just walk away and see the signs off the bat and actually SEE them. I loved him and was so caught up in what I thought was normal.. In denial I guess.

 

I won’t be staying in this. Going to move in with my sister.

 

I haven’t been happy for a while and I even started looking up signs of abuse but thought I was maybe being extreme.

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Been with my husband for over 30 years...he doesn't yell at me, or make me feel resentful, doesn't video chat with other women, doesn't get drunk when we have plans, and is respectful of my feelings. You need to dump this guy. Your relationship of only a year and a half sounds like a crappy relationship full of deal breakers. Girl give your head a shake....you are in a terrible situation. That's not a healthy relationship...no guy is worth a second chance that acts like that. Get out now...your sister isn't being dramatic, she's calling it like it is. She's your sister! give her some credit, she does actually care about you. Your feelings on this is totally misplaced.

 

Thanks you are right!

I have been with him for almost 3 years, lived with him for nearly a year. That’s how “conditioned” I was and how long it’s taken me to see him for who he really is. I can’t believe it took me this long to see that

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I feel your reply is quite harsh and insensitive. Don’t know if you have been in my position before in a relationship, but it’s not easy to just walk away and see the signs off the bat and actually SEE them. I loved him and was so caught up in what I thought was normal.. In denial I guess.

 

I won’t be staying in this. Going to move in with my sister.

 

I haven’t been happy for a while and I even started looking up signs of abuse but thought I was maybe being extreme.

 

Yes I have. I was in an abusive relationship for 2 years, near the end it became more physical, I tried to walk away many times, but he knew how to play on my emotions by promising things would be better...I admit it was stupid of me to believe it. After that I know what's healthy and what is not. I can't stress enough that there is nothing to candy coat bad relationships. I really wish I had some guidance back then, if I did I would have ended it sooner. I had no one. You are lucky you have a sister that is trying to pull you out of it, and get some sense into your head.

 

I hope you will move onto much happier satisfying relationships.

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Yes I have. I was in an abusive relationship for 2 years, near the end it became more physical, I tried to walk away many times, but he knew how to play on my emotions by promising things would be better...I admit it was stupid of me to believe it. After that I know what's healthy and what is not. I can't stress enough that there is nothing to candy coat bad relationships. I really wish I had some guidance back then, if I did I would have ended it sooner. I had no one. You are lucky you have a sister that is trying to pull you out of it, and get some sense into your head.

 

I hope you will move onto much happier satisfying relationships.

 

Thank you so much. I think it’s just hard when you’re so stuck in tunnel vision about the relationship. I am definitely grateful for my sister bringing this to my attention, and I can clearly see now based on all these replies that it is an abusive relationship.

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I feel your reply is quite harsh and insensitive. Don’t know if you have been in my position before in a relationship, but it’s not easy to just walk away and see the signs off the bat and actually SEE them. I loved him and was so caught up in what I thought was normal.. In denial I guess.

 

I won’t be staying in this. Going to move in with my sister.

 

I haven’t been happy for a while and I even started looking up signs of abuse but thought I was maybe being extreme.

 

It may be "harsh," but it's true.

 

In the future, if you are not happy and someone is treating you like crap, then get out and lean on friends and family for guidance and support. You were calling your sister "dramatic" and excusing his behavior. Sissy was spot on! How would you advised a close friend going through the same scenario?

 

Thrilled you are getting out. Good decision! Once everything is settled financially, block and delete this creep. I also suggest being single a long while to process the relationship you were in, and why you stayed.

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It may be "harsh," but it's true.

 

In the future, if you are not happy and someone is treating you like crap, then get out and lean on friends and family for guidance and support. You were calling your sister "dramatic" and excusing his behavior. Sissy was spot on! How would you advised a close friend going through the same scenario?

 

Thrilled you are getting out. Good decision! Once everything is settled financially, block and delete this creep. I also suggest being single a long while to process the relationship you were in, and why you stayed.

 

Hi Hollyj

 

I agree with everything you said. I actually spoke to him last night and said this relationship is toxic and unhealthy, and I don’t see there being any changes because it’s a constant cycle. He felt it was unfair me wanting to end things between us over that, when he’s forgiven me in the past for breaking his trust and couldn’t believe I was leaving our 3 year relationship because of him “just loosing his temper and getting angry sometimes”. I explained everything how it was more than that, his anger and the fact we can’t communicate. The double standards and imbalance. He was so upset and was crying said he loves me so much, and actually thinks I’m being dramatic by doing this.

 

Typical at first though when I pointed out the things he does that I’m not ok with, he was quick to point the finger back at me for times I was in the wrong.

 

This is something I have thinking about for a long time, my sister has been hinting as this for months now and only finally cos I have had enough of his crap and feeling so unhappy did I sit down and hear properly what my sister has to say.

 

The frustrating this is that he will play the victim and no doubt I will be the bad guy for breaking up with him, and will make everyone feel sorry for him.. while he continues to say how I messed him over when he was so good to me. Sad that he will never understand and undermines the issues as being nothing.

 

I shouldn’t worry about what people think though once I leave this toxic relationship

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Typical at first though when I pointed out the things he does that I’m not ok with, he was quick to point the finger back at me for times I was in the wrong.

 

The frustrating this is that he will play the victim and no doubt I will be the bad guy for breaking up with him, and will make everyone feel sorry for him.. while he continues to say how I messed him over when he was so good to me. Sad that he will never understand and undermines the issues as being nothing.

 

If you don't rise above this petty little power struggle, you will be drawn back down into it. Eyes on the sky.

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I shouldn’t worry about what people think though once I leave this toxic relationship

 

Exactly.

 

Your decision to end things is just that - a decision, not a negotiation or an ultimatum for him to do this or that. You are in a relationship not a marriage. When you are done you are done - a breakup doesn't need his cooperation. His reactions just showed again what a emotionally immature, manipulative and self-centered person he is and confirmed you made a right decision IMO. After being manipulated by him for so long it takes time and effort to recondition yourself so you are not affected by his finger pointing and playing victim. Don't feel bad for this.

 

If he badmouths you after the breakup, know that only further reflects who he is. Cut him out of your social circle. Any "mutual friends" who take his side and blame you are not your friends. Leave them behind and choose people who are capable of seeing your perspective as friends and partner.

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Hi Hollyj

 

I agree with everything you said. I actually spoke to him last night and said this relationship is toxic and unhealthy, and I don’t see there being any changes because it’s a constant cycle. He felt it was unfair me wanting to end things between us over that, when he’s forgiven me in the past for breaking his trust and couldn’t believe I was leaving our 3 year relationship because of him “just loosing his temper and getting angry sometimes”. I explained everything how it was more than that, his anger and the fact we can’t communicate. The double standards and imbalance. He was so upset and was crying said he loves me so much, and actually thinks I’m being dramatic by doing this.

 

Typical at first though when I pointed out the things he does that I’m not ok with, he was quick to point the finger back at me for times I was in the wrong.

 

This is something I have thinking about for a long time, my sister has been hinting as this for months now and only finally cos I have had enough of his crap and feeling so unhappy did I sit down and hear properly what my sister has to say.

 

The frustrating this is that he will play the victim and no doubt I will be the bad guy for breaking up with him, and will make everyone feel sorry for him.. while he continues to say how I messed him over when he was so good to me. Sad that he will never understand and undermines the issues as being nothing.

 

I shouldn’t worry about what people think though once I leave this toxic relationship

 

I went through something similar, when I ended a toxic relationship, that sounds a lot like yours. My ex, was the same way... wouldnt change, didn't want it to end, & blamed me for things.

 

Truth was, I also did things wrong... it was a toxic relationship. I never set the boundary, the first time he acted like a jerk. And whatever was done by whoever, it didn't matter. The relationship was not what I wanted my life to be. It was over.

 

So take what he says with a grain of salt. He's an angry guy. He's not all of a sudden going to become this emotionally intelligent guy out of the blue. Break ups hurt and are hard.

 

You may lose some friends... I did. But my real friends stayed. In time I made new friends, new choices, met better guys, saw signs earlier, learned lessons.

 

We did have good times. but even now, the scars are still there. I feel bad at times for staying as long as I did. and for this one reason-- I did not deserve to be treated like that. I broke my own heart tolerating BS in the name of love and loyalty...

 

You are doing the right thing. You will get through this and better times are ahead.... Trust your journey.

 

I would never go back. I don't care about him or those lost friends. I'm not even the same person anymore and for that I'm proud.

 

Its not our mistakes that define us.... its how we pick ourselves up, keep going, doing better!

 

Keep posting! we're rooting for you! [emoji173] Leave this guy behind you... you'll be ok.

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Hi Hollyj

 

I agree with everything you said. I actually spoke to him last night and said this relationship is toxic and unhealthy, and I don’t see there being any changes because it’s a constant cycle. He felt it was unfair me wanting to end things between us over that, when he’s forgiven me in the past for breaking his trust and couldn’t believe I was leaving our 3 year relationship because of him “just loosing his temper and getting angry sometimes”. I explained everything how it was more than that, his anger and the fact we can’t communicate. The double standards and imbalance. He was so upset and was crying said he loves me so much, and actually thinks I’m being dramatic by doing this.

 

Typical at first though when I pointed out the things he does that I’m not ok with, he was quick to point the finger back at me for times I was in the wrong.

 

This is something I have thinking about for a long time, my sister has been hinting as this for months now and only finally cos I have had enough of his crap and feeling so unhappy did I sit down and hear properly what my sister has to say.

 

The frustrating this is that he will play the victim and no doubt I will be the bad guy for breaking up with him, and will make everyone feel sorry for him.. while he continues to say how I messed him over when he was so good to me. Sad that he will never understand and undermines the issues as being nothing.

 

I shouldn’t worry about what people think though once I leave this toxic relationship

 

You are spot on. This guy will not respect or hear a word you say, but will continue to deflect everything back to you. He does not see anything he does is wrong, because he is an abusive bully. These folks do not change.

 

So glad you are getting away from him!!! Stay strong!

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I went through something similar, when I ended a toxic relationship, that sounds a lot like yours. My ex, was the same way... wouldnt change, didn't want it to end, & blamed me for things.

 

Truth was, I also did things wrong... it was a toxic relationship. I never set the boundary, the first time he acted like a jerk. And whatever was done by whoever, it didn't matter. The relationship was not what I wanted my life to be. It was over.

 

So take what he says with a grain of salt. He's an angry guy. He's not all of a sudden going to become this emotionally intelligent guy out of the blue. Break ups hurt and are hard.

 

You may lose some friends... I did. But my real friends stayed. In time I made new friends, new choices, met better guys, saw signs earlier, learned lessons.

 

We did have good times. but even now, the scars are still there. I feel bad at times for staying as long as I did. and for this one reason-- I did not deserve to be treated like that. I broke my own heart tolerating BS in the name of love and loyalty...

 

You are doing the right thing. You will get through this and better times are ahead.... Trust your journey.

 

I would never go back. I don't care about him or those lost friends. I'm not even the same person anymore and for that I'm proud.

 

Its not our mistakes that define us.... its how we pick ourselves up, keep going, doing better!

 

Keep posting! we're rooting for you! [emoji173] Leave this guy behind you... you'll be ok.

 

Thank you so much for your kind words of support and sharing your similar experience.

I have since broken up with him and moved out, I packed everything up. He was crying of course as I know he still loves me. I feel terrible but I understand it’s for the best.

 

I just keep doubting my decision though. What if he really wasn’t that bad, I feel like my post portrays him to be a lot worse than he was.. and I was just so angry that I’ve gone and broken up with him and maybe I was taking things to the extreme?

 

It’s too late now anyway I’ve moved out from his house and moved away to my sisters place an hour away from where he lives.

 

He was very apologetic and didn’t want it to end. He didn’t think there was a big enough reason to just throw our relationship away.

 

I feel awful and guilty and sad for him. I know he’s hurting. He was crying and I have only seen him cry 3 times in our relationship, he doesn’t do fake tears.

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