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Talking to guy with mental health issues


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I probably havent put this in the right place but i wasnt really sure where to put it to be honest so, apologies if i have.

 

So... i have been talking to this guy for just under a month now. We have never met and he lives the opposite end of the country to me.

 

We have eachother on social media through a game we were both playing sometime last year. Spoke very briefly about that back at the time of adding eachother and that was it.

 

 

Recently we started talking as i made a joke that i seemed to be liking all of his posts lately.... we have spoken pretty much every day since and once all of this is over with the lockdown he wants to come and visit and meet me.

 

 

He seems to suffer quite badly with his mental health and tends to shut down when he is having a hard time rather than open up. I have told him im here to talk to and wouldnt think any different of him and that theres nothing he could say that would shock me or make me judge him as i have been through just about everything you can think of with members of my family.

Obviously i know them alot better though so i find it easier to deal with them.

 

 

I dont know how to be there for someone that i cant physically be there for and that i have never met before therefore dont really know all that well, especially when he wont open up to anyone. He doesnt shut me out completely, just says that hes sorry hes been distant and that hes feeling off again and not really talking to anyone.

 

 

Any ideas on how to show him he can open up to me and that im there for him?

 

Also, whats peoples opinions talking to someone you havent met like this?

At first i thought it was odd that we would talk and that he wanted to meet but we get on really well and the conversation just flows. He keeps saying how he wishes i lived closer.

But then i thought, is it really that different to if we'd have met through a dating app, which 1000s of people do every day?

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This guy sounds unavailable and not in a good place to have a long distance relationship. Which brings the question: Why are you trying to get into a difficult situation like that with someone who "lives the opposite end of the country" no less? Seeking to become someone's crutch/nurse does not lead to healthy relationships.

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This guy sounds unavailable and not in a good place to have a long distance relationship. Which brings the question: Why are you trying to get into a difficult situation like that with someone who "lives the opposite end of the country" no less? Seeking to become someone's crutch/nurse does not lead to healthy relationships.

 

Im not trying to get into a relationship with him. We're just having fun talking at the moment.

 

Hes the one that wants to meet.

 

Also, when i say the other end of the country, thats abit of an exaggeration, its a couple of hours drive.

 

 

And im not seeking to become his emotional crutch. I was just looking for advice on how to show him that i was there if he was to ever decided he wanted to talk. I have seen through family members how debilitating it can be and know that they often feel like they have no one to turn to. I just wanted to let him know that he wasnt alone.

 

I would do the same for anyone, regardless of how well i knew them as i have seen first hand the damage that can be done. 2 of my siblings suffer extremely badly and have tried on multiple occasions to take their own lives because they felt they had no one.

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I would keep in mind that this is indeed a stranger you're talking to; you two aren't in a place where you can (or really should) be there for him.

 

You don't know yet if anything he's told you about himself is true. I don't mean to suggest he doesn't suffer from mental health issues, but you don't know what his problems actually are or who he truly is. It's kind of you to be concerned but don't forget that this dude could be telling you just about anything and you have no real way to verify it. He might in fact be having a hard time, or he might already have a girlfriend or some other woman he's talking to. Be careful in positioning yourself as the supporter for someone you've never met, is my point.

 

I would take a step back. He is showing you he doesn't want to open up to you at this point. I wouldn't try to press it. You've told him you'll be there for him, which is more than enough for an internet stranger. If he doesn't keep up communication, well, nothing really lost.

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I would keep in mind that this is indeed a stranger you're talking to; you two aren't in a place where you can (or really should) be there for him.

 

You don't know yet if anything he's told you about himself is true. I don't mean to suggest he doesn't suffer from mental health issues, but you don't know what his problems actually are or who he truly is. It's kind of you to be concerned but don't forget that this dude could be telling you just about anything and you have no real way to verify it. He might in fact be having a hard time, or he might already have a girlfriend or some other woman he's talking to. Be careful in positioning yourself as the supporter for someone you've never met, is my point.

 

I would take a step back. He is showing you he doesn't want to open up to you at this point. I wouldn't try to press it. You've told him you'll be there for him, which is more than enough for an internet stranger. If he doesn't keep up communication, well, nothing really lost.

 

He still keeps up communication. Even when he says hes having an 'off' day he still messages. Just not as much as he would normally. But even when he says he doesnt really feel like talking to anyone, he still messages atleast once to 'check in', as in just to check im ok and say hes sorry for being distant. Even though i keep telling him he doesnt have to apologise for not feeling like talking

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i think you symphathize with his situation and want to help him.

But reality is he is a stranger to you and he needs to help himself here.

 

I know that i cant help him or 'fix' him or anything like that and that he has to do all for that himself but i also know through family that it is easy to push people away without realising it and feeling like you have no one so i just wanted to show him that he wasnt alone

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you have a good heart.

Dont get too attached with people you meet online. Sometimes what we assume or think by the way they present themselves to us is not at all the truth.He has his issues and will need to work on it. Unfortunately this is not a healthy situation for you to be in. Things could be quite different in reality.You don't know him well enough to say he is a friend either, can't trust him.

Leave him and make friends local to your place

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I know that i cant help him or 'fix' him or anything like that and that he has to do all for that himself but i also know through family that it is easy to push people away without realising it and feeling like you have no one so i just wanted to show him that he wasnt alone

 

I think you have already done so, really. You told him he doesn't need to apologize; he knows you're there.

 

I would leave it at that. The rest is up to him. If he's not revealing more, I would not press him to do so. He's been talking to you, yes, but I don't think he feels he knows you well enough to want to open up more. You having been through a lot with family makes you more sympathetic to him but you are still a woman online he doesn't actually know.

 

And again, this is assuming that what he's told you about himself is true. At this point, you don't know if it is. I will echo Spawn and encourage you not to get too attached. He isn't local and he's warned you he has mental health issues. It's not a great starting point so I would proceed with caution and keep your options open.

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Sorry to say but it's inappropriate to pry and pester him to talk. He is not your social work project. Be friends but stop playing psychiatrist. It seems more like you are seeking a friend or someone to talk to because of your own issues.

 

Therapy would be better than prying into the life and mind of this stranger. There are plenty of free 24/7 mental health hotlines available if you need to talk to someone.

He seems to suffer quite badly with his mental health and tends to shut down when he is having a hard time rather than open up. He doesnt shut me out completely, just says that hes sorry hes been distant and that hes feeling off again and not really talking to anyone. Any ideas on how to show him he can open up to me and that im there for him?

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Sorry to say but it's inappropriate to pry and pester him to talk. He is not your social work project. Be friends but stop playing psychiatrist. It seems more like you are seeking a friend or someone to talk to because of your own issues.

 

Therapy would be better than prying into the life and mind of this stranger. There are plenty of free 24/7 mental health hotlines available if you need to talk to someone.

 

I havent been prying or pestering him at all. I have just let him know that i am here and he has said the same goes for me. I dont expect him to tell me his life story or anything like that. I think you are misunderstanding me.

 

I do not have any issues, nor do i need to be actively seeking out friends. I do not suffer with my mental health. Just know people that do.

 

We speak because alot of the time it is him that continues to communicate. Just as it is him that has shown interest in wanting to meet. Yes i was the first to make contact, but only to make a joke about how i seemed to be liking all of his posts as i found alot of them to be relatable. He was then the one to start a proper conversation and continue on talking.

 

He was the one to ask for my snapchat so as to send pics and speak on there. Yes i enjoy speaking with him but if he didnt want to continue i wouldnt be cut up about it

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Ok, then don't try to "get him to talk". Just enjoy the friendship.

 

Thats what im saying, i havent been trying to get him to talk, just trying to show him that he can.

 

Maybe i said it wrong.

 

I feel as though people are misunderstanding me.

 

Its not that i want him to open up, just that i want him to know that he can and that i wouldnt judge him or think different of him.

 

And as for the talking/friendship.... everyone seems to think it is strange... which admittedly i did at first too... but how is it any different to meeting through any of the 100s of dating sites that are out there? 1000s of people a day meet and talk like that and nobody even bats an eyelid so i dont get why its so crazy for us to be talking?

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And as for the talking/friendship.... everyone seems to think it is strange...

 

I don't think that anyone here thinks the friendship is strange.

 

The issue people are having is that your sense of responsibility is disproportionate to the situation. In every post, you've repeated this deep concern you have for someone who you don't actually know:

 

I have told him im here to talk to and wouldnt think any different of him and that theres nothing he could say that would shock me or make me judge him

 

I dont know how to be there for someone that i cant physically be there for and that i have never met before therefore dont really know all that well, especially when he wont open up to anyone. He doesnt shut me out completely, just says that hes sorry hes been distant and that hes feeling off again and not really talking to anyone.

 

Any ideas on how to show him he can open up to me and that im there for him?

 

I was just looking for advice on how to show him that i was there if he was to ever decided he wanted to talk.

 

I just wanted to let him know that he wasnt alone.

 

i keep telling him he doesnt have to apologise for not feeling like talking

 

i just wanted to show him that he wasnt alone

 

I have just let him know that i am here and he has said the same goes for me.

 

If you were 1/5th as expressive to him as you are on this thread, he will have gotten the point that someone is there for him, and that he is not alone. You do not need to do more.

 

The question is, is anyone there for you, and do you feel alone?

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I don't think that anyone here thinks the friendship is strange.

 

The issue people are having is that your sense of responsibility is disproportionate to the situation. In every post, you've repeated this deep concern you have for someone who you don't actually know:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you were 1/5th as expressive to him as you are on this thread, he will have gotten the point that someone is there for him, and that he is not alone. You do not need to do more.

 

The question is, is anyone there for you, and do you feel alone?

 

I show concern because he has told me that in the past he has also tried to take his life because he reached a point where he felt he had no one to turn too. I have seen this with members of my family and wouldnt wish that feeling on anyone.

 

I would try and be there for anyone that felt that way regardlese of how well i knew them. Is that not what being a decent human being is about?

 

I have people i can turn to if needed but i do not need to. No i do not feel alone.

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Someone close to me suffers with clinical depression. I'm not saying that's what he is or what he has but the symptoms are very similar. You're going to feel helpless around this person a lot if you think that you can get through or help this person when you've never met him and he's halfway across the country.

 

Take a big step back. You can't help someone suffering with mental illness - you're not trained to do it and you've also never met him. I do understand your emotions though. I've felt it too. Just take a step back and don't take what he does personally.

 

Start incorporating other people back into your life. It will give you more perspective, strengthen your hope and compassion also but don't trick yourself into believing you can cure someone or help someone be more like you or less like what they are. You can choose to be there for him with the online game but for your own sake, take things with a grain of salt and don't get too emotionally drawn. I think the greatest buffer you can give yourself is to be involved with a variety of things and have people yourself who love and care for you. You'll have more of yourself to spread over and give or more compassion and empathy without burning out or getting frustrated easily. Take care of yourself.

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I would try and be there for anyone that felt that way regardlese of how well i knew them. Is that not what being a decent human being is about?

 

I believe you. I think everybody believes you. Nobody here doubts your decency. Why do you feel that you need to keep repeating this?

 

I have people i can turn to if needed but i do not need to. No i do not feel alone.

 

I am glad.

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Someone close to me suffers with clinical depression. I'm not saying that's what he is or what he has but the symptoms are very similar. You're going to feel helpless around this person a lot if you think that you can get through or help this person when you've never met him and he's halfway across the country.

 

Take a big step back. You can't help someone suffering with mental illness - you're not trained to do it and you've also never met him. I do understand your emotions though. I've felt it too. Just take a step back and don't take what he does personally.

 

Start incorporating other people back into your life. It will give you more perspective, strengthen your hope and compassion also but don't trick yourself into believing you can cure someone or help someone be more like you or less like what they are. You can choose to be there for him with the online game but for your own sake, take things with a grain of salt and don't get too emotionally drawn. I think the greatest buffer you can give yourself is to be involved with a variety of things and have people yourself who love and care for you. You'll have more of yourself to spread over and give or more compassion and empathy without burning out or getting frustrated easily. Take care of yourself.

I know i cant help him and i dont take anything personally. He hasnt done anything that i could even remotely take personally anyway.

I was just looking to see if people had any thoughts on how to show him he wasnt alone when im not actually there. But the general advice seems to be either that i already have, so thats fine, or that i shouldnt.

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I know i cant help him and i dont take anything personally. He hasnt done anything that i could even remotely take personally anyway.

I was just looking to see if people had any thoughts on how to show him he wasnt alone when im not actually there. But the general advice seems to be either that i already have, so thats fine, or that i shouldnt.

 

I think you're doing enough. Anything more and it appears like you're over-concerned and this isn't your battle. Just be compassionate like you are but if it doesn't appear to be going the way you wanted or hoped and he's not responding to you, yes, you are taking his behaviours personally or letting it bother you too much. That's what I meant by taking a step back for your own emotional/mental health.

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I know that i cant help him or 'fix' him or anything like that and that he has to do all for that himself but i also know through family that it is easy to push people away without realising it and feeling like you have no one so i just wanted to show him that he wasnt alone

 

"You are not alone. Please let me know if I can help you find some online resources for support. I'm happy to ask around. I want to help."

 

With all the downsides of starting a long distance relationship with a stranger I would not meet him in person given the added huge obstacle of his mental health.

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Are you interested romantically?

 

Doesn't he have a therapist?

 

I dont know him well enough for anything like that. Although we do sometimes have conversations about things like that.

 

No he doesnt have a therapist. He sees the dr and has prescription medications though. It is mostly due to the lockdown at the moment that he is struggling with. The being stuck indoors all the time. We're in the UK, so im unsure if the rules of our lockdown are any different here as i dont follow too much.

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I think you're doing enough. Anything more and it appears like you're over-concerned and this isn't your battle. Just be compassionate like you are but if it doesn't appear to be going the way you wanted or hoped and he's not responding to you, yes, you are taking his behaviours personally or letting it bother you too much. That's what I meant by taking a step back for your own emotional/mental health.

 

Its not bothering me. And he is still communicating. He has spoken quite abit today. There is nothing he has said or done that could be taken personally

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