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ADVICE NEEDED: I caused my mom to miscarry?


rchubn

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I've had a rocky relationship with my mom and I never understood why.

 

When I was in middle school (11) my mom got pregnant and told me, then proceeded to ask me how I felt about it. I acted like any other teen and was annoyed because I felt like our lives were already difficult and I was obviously disturbed that my mom was starting a new family. That being said I was like most angry teens and didn't want anything to do with the situation. (I genuinely feel like I would've warmed up to the idea eventually). I didn't stress her out in a way that made her life complicated, I didn't hurt her physically and I didn't rebel or act out, i just annoyed and shocked.

 

Then she miscarried and blamed me for it. I assumed general life stress and poor health was the cause but after her appointment she got it in writing and presented it to me as if I had done it. The narrative was that my negative emotions tampered with her ability to carry and that I out out negative energy that manifested. I was 11.

 

I want a mother so bad but the one I have thinks I killed her child and if that's the case, she will always hate me. I've always felt that she held resentment towards me but I have no other parents

 

I need to leave this situation but I'm not financially stable yet. I can't take it anymore, I'm starting to give up on mending this relationship

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She has always favored my sister and at some point, I became the outsider of the family. As if I was terrorizing this family or that I had stolen joy from them.

 

I don't personally think I'm the reason now but a good portion of my childhood I felt like I was a murderer and felt those complicated emotions and guilt.

 

And when she'd say hurtful things, things I couldn't comprehend as to why she'd say them, I realized that she thinks I killed her child/the reason she lost her child and that it was very easy for her to hurt me physically

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It wasn't your fault. Miscarriages can happen and for a number of reasons. What you had guessed were the reasons, sound much more plausible.

It's terrible of her to blame a child. She was the adult, she should have known better.

 

Don't let this affect you anymore. You did not do it. She was disappointed with losing a child and decided to find a scapegoat.

 

But because she treats you this way, it would be better for you to move out. Parents make all sorts of mistakes. They aren't perfect, but some parents are worse than others and by the sounds of it, you, unfortunately, got a parent who has a lot of issues and is treating you badly due to that.

 

It does not mean you're not a good person or worthy of love. It does not mean you don't have great value or will end up like her.

It means you have a mother who needs therapy.

 

I hope you can find a way to become stronger and not only get out of this situation but won't let it define who you are or what your path in life will be.

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To start with, no, you did not cause your mothers miscarriage.

 

20% of pregnancies end up miscarried. For various reasons , some unknown.

 

You were 11. Not a teen. A child.

And your reaction was a relatively normal one.

 

I am guessing you are the eldest?

And your sister who was favoured was younger , essentially at that time the “baby” of the family?

 

How old are you now?

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Call a mental health hotline to talk. Also look into social service for assistance with housing , employment, healthcare and food. You need to make some changes.

I need to leave this situation but I'm not financially stable yet. I can't take it anymore, I'm starting to give up on mending this relationship

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To start with, no, you did not cause your mothers miscarriage.

 

20% of pregnancies end up miscarried. For various reasons , some unknown.

 

You were 11. Not a teen. A child.

And your reaction was a relatively normal one.

 

I am guessing you are the eldest?

And your sister who was favoured was younger , essentially at that time the “baby” of the family?

 

How old are you now?

 

I agree. My sister wanted to return me for a kitten when I was born. My mom miscarried once between my sister and me - it happens. I was under a lot of stress during my pregnancy and I was over 40 - stress doesn't cause miscarriages with rare exception (I mean I guess there are stressful situations that can trigger issues -I'm not a doctor). Her accusations are all on her -they show issues with her that she would treat a child like that. Yes, I've told my child he gives me a headache when he screams lol. But no a parent should not blame a child. I'm sorry this happened to you.

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No, it's not your fault. You seem so down and hurt. Yes, do get out of this place. Are there any places hiring in your area?

 

What you remember of your mother may be true but of all the reasons she treats you this way, her miscarriages may be just the tip of the iceberg. There could be any number of things she's upset or angry about and doesn't know how to deal with. Where's your father? Your mother has lived a lifetime while you were not on earth yet and parents have their own lives they often don't reveal to their children. What you see or remember may not be the whole picture. I'm curious if you both are able to communicate at all? Or is it sporadic - hot/cold/unpredictable?

 

Definitely get out and create some buffer and distance and stay safe. I don't think therapy or self-help in some way is a bad idea either for you. You've learned for a long time that your (primary?) caregiver is not consistent and that can hurt and damage a child long term. You'll have to re-learn what love, kindness, comfort and consistent care means. Being around friends and family who care about you unwaveringly also helps but this is rare and people are usually dealing with their own issues.

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I've had a rocky relationship with my mom and I never understood why.

 

I want a mother so bad but the one I have thinks I killed her child and if that's the case, she will always hate me. I've always felt that she held resentment towards me

 

She may feel resentment towards you, and she may even blame you for the miscarriage. But it's definitely not your fault that she miscarried.

 

You may never find out the source of her resentment. She may not even know it herself.

 

It's not fair, I know.

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Some mothers have a lot to answer for. You have every right to have a loving mother and every right to be loved. This is purely down to her and how she's projected it on to you. I feel so sad for you as it's going to be very hard to recover a relationship with your mother.

Naturally you will feel resentful to have been blamed for this and denied love. My mother put me in to a children's home at 6 months and told her other 2 children 3 & 5 at the time that I died in a fire. I honestly believe some women should never have children but that's another story. You could do with speaking to a good counselor and get rid of this idea it was your fault...it never was!

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