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I want my ex back but she is engaged?!? Help!


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Background: Met this cute Chaldean girl at work last July...we hit it off and started going on walk dates. Her Mom did not want her to go out with guys unless she is engaged. She wanted to be engaged within a few weeks of our first date. I explained to here that I wanted to develop a deeper connection ( it takes me longer to fall in love due to being hurt in the past ). It is good that we work together so I can still see her everyday and I always sneak a kiss to her at work when I can. She ends up getting let go from where we work due to lack of sales ( not anything we were doing I assume as others were let go ). She didn't like working there anyways although now we see each other much less, only way to see each other if for her to lie to her mom. Her mom eventually finds out and now she cant see me...this is around January. She cant see me anymore so I tell her I cannot marry her unless we can spend time together and get her family blessing. She breaks up with me and deletes me from facebook. She still contacts me and I play it cool and build attraction and we still fool around naked ( she is saving herself for marriage ). She says she wants to visit me since I work at home due to the covid although her mom wont let her go. She tells me her brother beats her and her family gangs up on her because her brother married an American girl and she divorced him and hurt him. I have never met her family and suggested to meet her mom but she says she hates me already. So she sends me some cute tik toks and I mail her a birthday gift which gets her in trouble with her family again. She stops contacting me so I visit her at work and find out her brother blocked me. She tells me she cant see me anymore and I just kiss her and tell her I love her , she is my girlfriend, and ask if it is because of her family and I'm American. She says she wants to see for one last time a day after her birthday.

 

So on May 1st, she comes over and I got her a slice of cake with a candle and sing her happy birthday and dance with her, she immediately wants to go upstairs and we get naked , fool around, and take a nap naked. She wakes up with me smiling at her. She says her mom is calling her and that she has to go. I tell her I love her and she says I love you back. I kiss her and she runs out. She texts me later that day to ask why I was smiling and I said because I was so happy and I missed her. A few sweet dream texts everyday and then on May 5 I text her to ask how she is doing. She tells me we should stop texting for good and for me to have a nice life and be safe. I tell her I will miss her so much and that if she ever changes her mind and her family's opinion that I will be here for her. She says ok and that I need to find someone else. We say sweet dreams to each other for the last time and she blocks me.

 

I check her facebook on May 10 and she is engaged to a chaldean. She never told me she was going to get engaged and I had just seen her 10 days ago so is this a rebound or forced marriage? Do I just let her go and hope she is happy? Do I fight for her? I am hurt but have no anger as she was sweet enough to see me for the last time? I am just worried she might not love him or being selfish to still want her back?

 

I am devastated and crushed...what can I do? I miss her already and am losing it

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Sorry to hear this. It sounds like she comes from strict religious/cultural family.Seems like a last fling for her before her marriage.

She tells me we should stop texting for good and for me to have a nice life and be safe. I check her facebook on May 10 and she is engaged to a chaldean.
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It sounds like she comes from a culture where women are not emancipated and could get beaten up or worse if it is perceived that they have "dishonored" their family. You don't sound like you want to commit to marrying her and she doesn't sound like she can go against her family. Imo, you should respect her wishes and let this go or you could get her beaten up or killed. Yes, it's probably an arranged marriage but that is not your business. You should respect her wish for no contact.

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If you are serious enough you go put a ring on her finger then.

 

Thanks for the reply

 

I wish it was that easy....Her dad died in Iraq from a suicide bomber so I suggested that I would ask her mom permission to marry her. I wanted to meet her mom and she said no because her mom already determined Americans are players for what a girl did to her son. She already was engaged before and she broke it off and her family had to move to a different city because of stigma in her culture? She has told me that she hates chaldeans and wants to marry for love which is why this more upsetting to me. It is not like I took her for granted although I am sure i made many mistakes ( I'm human ).

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Thanks for the reply

 

Her dad died in Iraq from a suicide bomber so I suggested that I would ask her mom permission to marry her. I wanted to meet her mom and she said no because her mom already determined Americans are players for what a girl did to her son. She already was engaged before and she broke it off and her family had to move to a different city because of stigma in her culture? She has told me that she hates chaldeans and wants to marry for love which is why this more devasting to me.

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Thanks for the reply.

 

She admitted that her brother hit her ( she showed me the bruises ) and it was because of me. I offered her my home if she ever needed to run away ( she mentioned this to me as well )

 

Her dad died in Iraq from a suicide bomber so I suggested that I would ask her mom permission to marry her. I wanted to meet her mom and she said no because her mom already determined Americans are players for what a girl did to her son. She already was engaged before and she broke it off and her family had to move to a different city because of stigma in her culture? She has told me that she hates chaldeans and wants to marry for love which is why this more devasting to me.

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It sounds like she comes from a culture where women are not emancipated and could get beaten up or worse if it is perceived that they have "dishonored" their family. You don't sound like you want to commit to marrying her and she doesn't sound like she can go against her family. Imo, you should respect her wishes and let this go or you could get her beaten up or killed. Yes, it's probably an arranged marriage but that is not your business. You should respect her wish for no contact.

 

Thanks for the reply.

 

She admitted that her brother hit her ( she showed me the bruises ) and it was because of me. I offered her my home if she ever needed to run away ( she mentioned this to me as well )

 

Her dad died in Iraq from a suicide bomber so I suggested that I would ask her mom permission to marry her. I wanted to meet her mom and she said no because her mom already determined Americans are players for what a girl did to her son. She already was engaged before and she broke it off and her family had to move to a different city because of stigma in her culture? She had told me that she hates chaldeans and wants to marry for love which is why this more devasting to me.

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The Chaldean Christians are an ancient culture of Iraq. Many have been slaughtered during the last 10 years by fighting in the area.

 

So those that could left Iraq.

 

Trying to fit in to new areas, many immigrants stay apart to hang onto their culture.

 

This lady you want to be with is engaged to marry. You really need to move on.

 

You know nothing of her family, her wishes, her struggles.

 

It is not meant to be.

 

Don't try to be knight in shining armor. It is not a Hollywood movie.

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The Chaldean Christians are an ancient culture of Iraq. Many have been slaughtered during the last 10 years by fighting in the area.

 

So those that could left Iraq.

 

Trying to fit in to new areas, many immigrants stay apart to hang onto their culture.

 

This lady you want to be with is engaged to marry. You really need to move on.

 

You know nothing of her family, her wishes, her struggles.

 

It is not meant to be.

 

Don't try to be knight in shining armor. It is not a Hollywood movie.

 

Thanks for the reply.

 

She admitted that her brother hit her ( she showed me the bruises ) and it was because of me. I offered her my home if she ever needed to run away ( she mentioned this to me as well )

 

Her dad died in Iraq from a suicide bomber so I suggested that I would ask her mom permission to marry her. I wanted to meet her mom and she said no because her mom already determined Americans are players for what a girl did to her son. She already was engaged before and she broke it off and her family had to move to a different city because of stigma in her culture? She has told me that she hates chaldeans and wants to marry for love which is why this more devasting to me.

 

I just feel like I am made a mistake or need to do something...This one just happened so fast I could not react. If she would have told me she was getting engaged, loved him, and was happy, I would have more closure and can heal quicker. Now I have to beat myself up and pick up the pieces

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Don't do anything. It will make you out to be an overpowering and inappropriate person who is only acting in his own interests. She has already blocked you and said no. No means no. Don't try to look for trouble here. You've been causing issues in that family for awhile. Take a step back and focus on your own plans for your future. This wasn't a surprise. You've known that you are not accepted by that family on several occasions and it's been made explicitly clear to you.

 

Sometimes we want something so badly and anything else feels like second best and a blow to the ego and the heart. Maybe ask yourself why she has such a hold over you that it seems like a terrible drug. Snap out of that haze and start thinking of what's best for you.

 

Any drama from the past regarding her siblings is her business and her family's business. If they don't want to get to know another American, they've made it clear so count your blessings that you are no longer in contact with judgmental people or people who can't put their prejudices aside. Whatever idea they have of Americans has nothing to do with you either so don't hold that as a chip over your shoulder. Be that person who is understanding, kind, intelligent and knows when to take a big step back.

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Thanks for the reply.

 

She admitted that her brother hit her ( she showed me the bruises ) and it was because of me. I offered her my home if she ever needed to run away ( she mentioned this to me as well )

 

Her dad died in Iraq from a suicide bomber so I suggested that I would ask her mom permission to marry her. I wanted to meet her mom and she said no because her mom already determined Americans are players for what a girl did to her son. She already was engaged before and she broke it off and her family had to move to a different city because of stigma in her culture? She has told me that she hates chaldeans and wants to marry for love which is why this more devasting to me.

 

I just feel like I am made a mistake or need to do something...This one just happened so fast I could not react. If she would have told me she was getting engaged, loved him, and was happy, I would have more closure and can heal quicker. Now I have to beat myself up and pick up the pieces

 

Why did you copy and paste the same response many times? Be honest though, are you ready to marry this girl? Do you want to marry in general? If the answers are "no, then really you have no choice in this situation. The only way you could have continued to date this girl is if you married. You were actually being FORCED to get married. It's not like you made your own choice and decided to propose. To me the whole thing sounds like it was doomed right from the start. You are worlds apart from this girl in terms of culture. The term "culture clash" exists for a reason.

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Personally, I would respect her culture and beliefs. I don't think it would ever work out, so why stir up trouble?

 

I'm trying really hard not to judge but this, to me, is completely ridiculous: "She wanted to be engaged within a few weeks of our first date." Really??? Let's get serious, Dr Whom!

 

Her engagement is probably arranged, hence, the reason she didn't tell you. She was more likely told/forced to become engaged and didn't have a choice in the matter. Don't cause trouble for her. You already said that her brother beats her. Please, don't be the cause for more bodily harm to her. She is not your responsibility. Hey, to each his own, however, I would forget her and hope she is happy. I'm not trying to make light of it, but you haven't known her that long. You are in pain, I get it, but I think you should accept the fact that she's not for you. She's blocked you. You both said your peace and now you both must go on your separate paths. I would forget her and hope she is happy. Accept that some things in life are not meant to be.

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Why did you copy and paste the same response many times? Be honest though, are you ready to marry this girl? Do you want to marry in general? If the answers are "no, then really you have no choice in this situation. The only way you could have continued to date this girl is if you married. You were actually being FORCED to get married. It's not like you made your own choice and decided to propose. To me the whole thing sounds like it was doomed right from the start. You are worlds apart from this girl in terms of culture. The term "culture clash" exists for a reason.

 

I am ready to marry this girl and I wanted er to have my children. I would have learned arabic if needed to get her families blessing. I am regretting that I never proposed before her mom found out she was seeing me. I regret not proposing the last time I saw her as well. I just sitting here beating myself up on what went wrong

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Don't do anything. It will make you out to be an overpowering and inappropriate person who is only acting in his own interests. She has already blocked you and said no. No means no. Don't try to look for trouble here. You've been causing issues in that family for awhile. Take a step back and focus on your own plans for your future. This wasn't a surprise. You've known that you are not accepted by that family on several occasions and it's been made explicitly clear to you.

 

Sometimes we want something so badly and anything else feels like second best and a blow to the ego and the heart. Maybe ask yourself why she has such a hold over you that it seems like a terrible drug. Snap out of that haze and start thinking of what's best for you.

 

Any drama from the past regarding her siblings is her business and her family's business. If they don't want to get to know another American, they've made it clear so count your blessings that you are no longer in contact with judgmental people or people who can't put their prejudices aside. Whatever idea they have of Americans has nothing to do with you either so don't hold that as a chip over your shoulder. Be that person who is understanding, kind, intelligent and knows when to take a big step back.

 

Thanks for the reply

 

Just a lot of regret that i didn't propose to show her and her family that I was serious...

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Yes, it's selfish. You are putting her in danger. She got beaten up for seeing you. Leave her alone.

I mail her a birthday gift which gets her in trouble with her family again. She admitted that her brother hit her ( she showed me the bruises ) and it was because of me.
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Personally, I would respect her culture and beliefs. I don't think it would ever work out, so why stir up trouble?

 

I'm trying really hard not to judge but this, to me, is completely ridiculous: "She wanted to be engaged within a few weeks of our first date." Really??? Let's get serious, Dr Whom!

 

Her engagement is probably arranged, hence, the reason she didn't tell you. She was more likely told/forced to become engaged and didn't have a choice in the matter. Don't cause trouble for her. You already said that her brother beats her. Please, don't be the cause for more bodily harm to her. She is not your responsibility. Hey, to each his own, however, I would forget her and hope she is happy. I'm not trying to make light of it, but you haven't known her that long. You are in pain, I get it, but I think you should accept the fact that she's not for you. She's blocked you. You both said your peace and now you both must go on your separate paths. I would forget her and hope she is happy. Accept that some things in life are not meant to be.

 

Thanks for the reply

 

Yeah I know...I should have read up on chaldean culture right away before my feelings deepened. I talked to her about this stuff and that we have different cultures right at the beginning. She said she wanted to marry for love only which makes me sad if I let her down.

 

Just a lot of regret that i didn't propose to show her and her family that I was serious...

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Yes, it's selfish. You are putting her in danger. She got beaten up for seeing you. Leave her alone.

 

I don't think my sending her a present got her beat up...this happened earlier this year. Her and her brother argue a lot mainly because she thinks he's lazy and cant work.

 

I asked her about danger and she said her family would never kill her or anything. She always seemed so unhappy with her family

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She doesn't want contact with you. She is engaged to a man of her preference and culture.She asked you NOT to contact her. It's not all about you and what you want.

I asked her about danger and she said her family would never kill her or anything.

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Thanks for the reply

 

Yeah I know...I should have read up on chaldean culture right away before my feelings deepened. I talked to her about this stuff and that we have different cultures right at the beginning. She said she wanted to marry for love only which makes me sad if I let her down.

 

Just a lot of regret that i didn't propose to show her and her family that I was serious...

 

Even if you did propose, I'm not sure you would have been accepted by her family. Your respective cultures are too different. It's not good to start a relationship/marriage when there's such resentment and prejudice on her family's side. That would put a lot of stress on a marriage. You'd probably be walking on eggshells a lot of the time. You'd be under scrutiny whenever you're in her family's presence. And, this is if you get her family's blessing. Do you truly want to be involved in something like that?

 

If you truly love her respect her wishes. She made her wishes clear. Give yourself time; your heart will heal. Perhaps one day you will see that it was the right thing to do, for both of you.

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