Jump to content

Being unfriend by ex. ( Advice for this messy situation please )


Recommended Posts

What would you even feel or think in this situation?

 

This is quite a tale so please bear with me. I had the worst and basically the only true fight I’ve ever had with my ex back in December. It’s too much detail to go into but Ill try to condense. We had picked up talking again for a few months like we did when we were flirting and in our relationship after extensively reforging a connection on a group Pax trip months after our breakup. I was supposed to hang out with him in Oregon for his birthday but we had an emotionally charged fight 2 days before my trip so he changed his mind. He had revealed to me during our heavy 3 hour call (which he cried intensely )the deep extents of his depression and dire up and downs with his type 1 diabetes. I assured , comforted and listened as hard as I could.

 

Our call ended on a bitter sweet note. Hearing him so distressed learning the extents of his turmoil made me want to talk to him in person. I couldn’t leave it be so when my flight landed I decided to see him. I called him and he had said “ Hey I’m about to shower so I can’t talk long but what’s up..?” “ I said “ Dont be mad but I’m around if you want to talk.” He immediately freaked out and said “ WHAT I said I’m not right state of mind for this. I can’t . This is too much.” I say a few things but he hangs up

I get really really really upset. I say “ why are you so afraid of me????” What is making you this anxious?? Please, why can’t you just come down to talk for 2 mins...”

It’s cold as hell , raining , getting darker and I’m by myself in a city I don’t know over here texting him back and forth on the streets.

 

He says this is ed up

And that I need to go. My phone is close to dying and I’m here pleading with him. Tell him “Please I’m at 2% “. He says , “What ? Go charge your phone please”

 

He replies with a paragraph not even acknowledging anything I said about how I felt like he doesn’t care about me, how I always considered him highly and valued him where was that ever for me? Why do you push away the people that care the the most? How I was just shaking outside having people ask if I’m alright. He goes on to say how I am twisting his hand , that this is messed up and I don’t just randomly show up, that if I think people touching my shoulder in concern makes me right that I’m delusional. That the people asking me if I’m okay dont know the real reason I’m there. That this is creepy im done talking bye.

Luckily my friend from California was driving down anyways to join up for the trip so I had her.

 

The day after I apologized severely and intensely. ( I really shouldn’t have looking back now)

I told him that after what he revealed to me that night I just wanted to be there for him , and make him feel better somehow. That I’ll give him space and won’t speak to him for the rest of the trip. I told him to please take care.

 

During the reminder of my trip over there I posted so many Snapchat photos of it with me and my friend and he didn’t remove me. 2 weeks after my trip his birthday crawls along. His birthday was the 22nd of December and I didn’t send him anything. Same with Christmas. Come Christmas I’m over here posting my dog in pjs and other dumb stuff and he doesn’t care yet when I posted my last photo of an up close picture of me smiling on Snapchat, I see I’m removed from EVERYTHING imaginable all at once. It struck me cause after our breakup he avoided my Snapchat but didn’t remove me. I was hurt beyond words but didn’t lash out. We haven’t talked since. I’m in a much better place but sometimes I really wonder about all of it. It still lingers in my mind a bit from time to time.

 

I would deeply appreciate any insight on this. Please guys. I just need assorted thoughts from outsiders.

Link to post
Share on other sites

He told you he didn’t want to be in a relationship with you.

 

Unfortunately , you didn’t accept that. And you decided it’s because of his diabetes and being depressed over it.

Yes he may have been struggling to come to terms with his diagnosis etc and lifestyle changes he has to make , blurted it out to you, but you decided that he needs a carer and really wants to be with you and only choosing not to be with you because somehow he is delusional?!

 

Sorry, but you turning up at his doorstep was fecked up!!!

 

You then are full of self pity because you are in a city you don’t know , cold , raining , dark and texting him back and forth in the streets despite having only 2% battery! Oh the drama!!! That YOU created for yourself.

 

And then the remainder of your trip , happily posting several pics on snap chat. Not homeless in a cardboard box in a city you don’t know, but fully charged phone!

 

You say he doesn’t care because he never acknowledged your snap chat photos? And think it’s significant that when you post a close up selfie he blocks you?

It’s not!? He just wasn’t on snap chat much(as you said) and when he probably felt a bit better in himself and dealing with his diabetes better etc started interacting more in social media and culled people.

 

Don’t take it so personally.

 

It was absolutely wrong of you to turn up at his doorstep unannounced. It was insulting to him. It was dismissive of the people close to him in his life and to be honest it was a bit selfish of you.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

It’s not as bad these days! We were dating for a month but were talking for 6 months. It was long distance. He lived couple states away from me!

 

The break up was him realizing he needed to focus on himself to better take care of himself and wanting to focus on his career of streaming from home. I respected it but it’s just hard when you both still have feelings for each other but they are closed off.

 

It just hurt cause when he hurt me I forgave him yet when I “sleight” him I get removed?? After our break up he didn’t remove me and just opted for not looking at my stuff....so this really shook my world.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sounds like you misjudged your friendship after the break up. You did a good job taking a step back after he was rude to you and didn't want to see you outside. It's probably a good idea at this time to stop with the snapchat, social media posts or delete and block him for yourself. Don't seek attention from him anymore. Get off the social media for awhile. You might be a bit too dependent on it.

 

Did you ever meet each other when you were dating or was it an online type of relationship? You said it was long distance. How did you meet each other?

Link to post
Share on other sites
He immediately freaked out and said “ WHAT I said I’m not right state of mind for this. I can’t . This is too much.” I say a few things but he hangs up

I get really really really upset. I say “ why are you so afraid of me????” What is making you this anxious?? Please, why can’t you just come down to talk for 2 mins...”

It’s cold as hell , raining , getting darker and I’m by myself in a city I don’t know over here texting him back and forth on the streets.

 

Any chance he might have had a girl up there? I agree that his reaction seemed a bit over the top.

 

I don't know why he blocked you, but I truly believe it's for the best. Nobody needs this silly crap in their lives.

Link to post
Share on other sites

This dude is shady. It sounds to me he was seeing or with someone when you showed up. That would explain him freaking out like a madman. Tip: when they remove you from social media...that's usually because their GF told them to.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

So if I understand this correctly, you were chatting long distance for 6 months, you barely dated for a month, then he told you he isn't interested in pursuing things with you anymore. After some time you continued to chat some more.

 

OP, you really didn't date long enough to even call him an ex, let alone show up at his house uninvited. That was a level of crazy behavior on your part that you are lucky he didn't call the cops on you. He would have been justified. Please leave him alone and never contact him again.

 

Blocking you on social media is normal and proper behavior for a person who no longer wants you in their life. It's not some kind of revenge or upset or whatever. People are supposed to move on and that's what he is doing. You are not friends and were never really such.

 

You might want to get off this online and long distance business and focus on living in the present in real life, date locally, go on real dates, develop actual relationships. Online long distance is 90% fantasy and the other 10%, as you are learning the hard way, is the rude awakening that reality isn't what you imagined it to be.

 

You got way over invested in this idea of a relationship and way overstepped your boundaries in reality.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
This dude is shady. It sounds to me he was seeing or with someone when you showed up. That would explain him freaking out like a madman. Tip: when they remove you from social media...that's usually because their GF told them to.

 

Really? So if someone you barely know, dated barely a month suddenly showed up at your doorstep at night, completely uninvited, you would be totally cool with that? Invite them right in? You are way nicer than I am. I'd think this person is dangerously unhinged and no way would I want anything to do with them. I don't think the guy was shady at all. I think the OP was beyond out of line.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Rejection hurts.

 

Sometimes our ego creates all this drama to excuse away that basic fact.

 

Start liking yourself more, loving yourself more, so you don't need the approval or acceptance of others.

 

When simeone ends things, accept that, remove them from your life and turn your attention to your friends, family, yourself, the things you enjoy!

 

Whatever it was back in December, it doesn't matter. Since then, there's been a pandemic, winter is over, it is Memorial Day weekend! Life has moved on and its time to look forward!

 

I know that's easier said than done, but you gotta do it. For yourself! For your future happiness! Focus on that, new guys, new fun, new hope....

Link to post
Share on other sites
Really? So if someone you barely know, dated barely a month suddenly showed up at your doorstep at night, completely uninvited, you would be totally cool with that? Invite them right in? You are way nicer than I am. I'd think this person is dangerously unhinged and no way would I want anything to do with them. I don't think the guy was shady at all. I think the OP was beyond out of line.

 

I agree with this. He no longer wanted contact with her and yet going to the length to buy a plane ticket and showing up on his doorstep unannounced shows really poor judgment.

 

If it were me I'd be concerned for my safety.

 

After being turned away she still places way too much value and meaning behind the fact he merely hadn't removed her from social media? And in the end is confused and upset when he finally does. Yet, she's had no real contact with him in between.

Link to post
Share on other sites

There really doesn't have to be any deeper reason for his actions (remove you or not). You've dated a month and broken up for many months, with no contact for at least 5. Maybe he was simply cleaning up his friends list and removing a bunch of people at once. It doesn't necessarily have anything to do with what you've been posting. It shouldn't have any impact on you either.

 

Don't show up uninvited. Most people would not react nicely to this kind of surprise. Even my bf who stays at my place frequently knows better than to show up without letting me know. And it's not because I have anything to hide from him. For an ex it would be stalking and harassment. I've actually had someone out of state showing up uninvited at my doorstep once and trying to wait for me to get home. It was CREEPY. I completely agree with his reaction to your visit.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm not trying to be rude but if you only dated for one month, it doesn't sound like a relationship exactly. It just sounds like trying to date to see if you're right for each other. He obviously decided you're not the right person for him. I think you were acting a bit too pushy and desperate after he broke up with you. After you broke up he didn't really owe you anything and sounds like you were acting a bit full-on.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I suspect he wasn't alone the night you showed up, OP.

 

It would follow that he's deleting you altogether now if he is seeing someone else as well. Unfortunately, he's done with this. And with only a month-long relationship, it's better to let it go. It wasn't wise to turn up uninvited to begin with, but for someone you only officially dated a few weeks, it's too much. I know it hurts, but it's important to take people at their word when they tell you they can't continue dating you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You are unreasonably harsh. I'm sorry but I was hurt enough to have to clarify ALOT. I knew I shouldn't have posted this without more context since it's a long history and story. I'm an idiot for expecting others to give a full scope look. Plus this only reopened wounds when I was healing. ...:upset:

 

We actually have the same circle of friends and met in person on a Pax trip back in 2018. Later on we talked for 6 months pretty much each day , a majority on video call. We made it official in February of last year. It's not that he "wasn't interested". Before all this happened we planned for 5 day trip together in his state in which I visited back in March of last year, but when I got there he had a diabetic ketoacidosis attack so I had to stay by his bedside the rest of the trip. It was real serious. He had cried infront and me after vomiting on end in his apartment , said he ruined the trip and so many other things. It broke my heart to pieces. When I got back home, days later he broke up in saying " How can I take care of another person when I can barely take care of myself" " I think I need to focus on myself" and a ton more etc. He cried alongside me. We didnt talk for months after that. It was heavy. Wasn't till later we reconnected on another annual video game trip with friends , where he apologized for how he handled me, that I GAVE A about him, how he missed talking , how after I left to the airport he thought " This is where we should have hung out, not a hospital" and beat himself up for it for awhile. He revealed through a text days after the trip I was the highlight and he would have wanted to spend even more time talking with me if possible. It also came to light in a call we had that he does have feelings for me still , but didn't want to string me along. That it would irk him and he would care if I dated someone else but he cant stop me. That he isn't looking for anything serious right now.

So months after this , we are in contact pretty much everyday. In November I run it by him If I can visit for his birthday in December since he doesn't have friends nearby or family and he lives by himself. I wanted to get him out of the house and just spend time together. Stay in an airbnb and just see more of Oregon. He was super nervous at first but warmed up after talking about it some more. We talked about where we would eat and planned it a bit. SO HE KNEW I was gonna be in his state.It's not like I just appeared out of nowhere. I didn't just show up as some random on the internet he talked to for a little bit. HE KNEW I was gonna be in his state. I had already bought my ticket cause this wasp lanned. He just backed up 2 days before. Luckily I had another friend from California coming so I wasn't alone for the reminder of this.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Really? So if someone you barely know, dated barely a month suddenly showed up at your doorstep at night, completely uninvited, you would be totally cool with that? Invite them right in? You are way nicer than I am. I'd think this person is dangerously unhinged and no way would I want anything to do with them. I don't think the guy was shady at all. I think the OP was beyond out of line.

 

That's uncalled for and real rude tbh to say all that but , I didn't give full context so that was my bad. He's known me for 6 months and we met in real life a few time so Im not unhinged or out of line. I was also not uninvited , he was supposed to be part of my planned trip but backed out during an argument.

Link to post
Share on other sites
So if I understand this correctly, you were chatting long distance for 6 months, you barely dated for a month, then he told you he isn't interested in pursuing things with you anymore. After some time you continued to chat some more.

 

OP, you really didn't date long enough to even call him an ex, let alone show up at his house uninvited. That was a level of crazy behavior on your part that you are lucky he didn't call the cops on you. He would have been justified. Please leave him alone and never contact him again.

 

Blocking you on social media is normal and proper behavior for a person who no longer wants you in their life. It's not some kind of revenge or upset or whatever. People are supposed to move on and that's what he is doing. You are not friends and were never really such.

 

You might want to get off this online and long distance business and focus on living in the present in real life, date locally, go on real dates, develop actual relationships. Online long distance is 90% fantasy and the other 10%, as you are learning the hard way, is the rude awakening that reality isn't what you imagined it to be.

 

You got way over invested in this idea of a relationship and way overstepped your boundaries in reality.

 

You are unreasonably harsh. I'm sorry but I was hurt enough to have to clarify ALOT. I knew I shouldn't have posted this without more context since it's a long history and story. I'm an idiot for expecting others to give a full scope look. Plus this only reopened wounds when I was healing. ...

 

We actually have the same circle of friends and met in person on a Pax trip back in 2018. Later on we talked for 6 months pretty much each day , a majority on video call. We made it official in February of last year. It's not that he "wasn't interested". Before all this happened we planned for 5 day trip together in his state in which I visited back in March of last year, but when I got there he had a diabetic ketoacidosis attack so I had to stay by his bedside the rest of the trip. It was real serious. He had cried infront and me after vomiting on end in his apartment , said he ruined the trip and so many other things. It broke my heart to pieces. When I got back home, days later he broke up in saying " How can I take care of another person when I can barely take care of myself" " I think I need to focus on myself" and a ton more etc. He cried alongside me. We didnt talk for months after that. It was heavy. Wasn't till later we reconnected on another annual video game trip with friends , where he apologized for how he handled me, that I GAVE A about him, how he missed talking , how after I left to the airport he thought " This is where we should have hung out, not a hospital" and beat himself up for it for awhile. He revealed through a text days after the trip I was the highlight and he would have wanted to spend even more time talking with me if possible. It also came to light in a call we had that he does have feelings for me still , but didn't want to string me along. That it would irk him and he would care if I dated someone else but he cant stop me. That he isn't looking for anything serious right now.

So months after this , we are in contact pretty much everyday. In November I run it by him If I can visit for his birthday in December since he doesn't have friends nearby or family and he lives by himself. I wanted to get him out of the house and just spend time together. Stay in an airbnb and just see more of Oregon. He was super nervous at first but warmed up after talking about it some more. We talked about where we would eat and planned it a bit. SO HE KNEW I was gonna be in his state.It's not like I just appeared out of nowhere. I didn't just show up as some random on the internet he talked to for a little bit. HE KNEW I was gonna be in his state. I had already bought my ticket cause this wasp lanned. He just backed up 2 days before. Luckily I had another friend from California coming so I wasn't alone for the reminder of this.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I agree with this. He no longer wanted contact with her and yet going to the length to buy a plane ticket and showing up on his doorstep unannounced shows really poor judgment.

 

If it were me I'd be concerned for my safety.

 

After being turned away she still places way too much value and meaning behind the fact he merely hadn't removed her from social media? And in the end is confused and upset when he finally does. Yet, she's had no real contact with him in between.

 

I already wrote this to the other person but that's not the full context of our relationship. Why should his safety be concerned when I'm not some freako who looked up his address and came unannounced??? I knew I shouldn't have tried to condense things and should have just be vague with my question.

 

Here is some more context but not nearly all of it since we have alot of history.

 

 

We actually have the same circle of friends and met in person on a Pax trip back in 2018. Later on we talked for 6 months pretty much each day , a majority on video call. We made it official in February of last year. It's not that he "wasn't interested". Before all this happened we planned for 5 day trip together in his state in which I visited back in March of last year, but when I got there he had a diabetic ketoacidosis attack so I had to stay by his bedside the rest of the trip. It was real serious. He had cried infront and me after vomiting on end in his apartment , said he ruined the trip and so many other things. It broke my heart to pieces. When I got back home, days later he broke up in saying " How can I take care of another person when I can barely take care of myself" " I think I need to focus on myself" and a ton more etc. He cried alongside me. We didnt talk for months after that. It was heavy. Wasn't till later we reconnected on another annual video game trip with friends , where he apologized for how he handled me, that I GAVE A about him, how he missed talking , how after I left to the airport he thought " This is where we should have hung out, not a hospital" and beat himself up for it for awhile. He revealed through a text days after the trip I was the highlight and he would have wanted to spend even more time talking with me if possible. It also came to light in a call we had that he does have feelings for me still , but didn't want to string me along. That it would irk him and he would care if I dated someone else but he cant stop me. That he isn't looking for anything serious right now.

So months after this , we are in contact pretty much everyday. In November I run it by him If I can visit for his birthday in December since he doesn't have friends nearby or family and he lives by himself. I wanted to get him out of the house and just spend time together. Stay in an airbnb and just see more of Oregon. He was super nervous at first but warmed up after talking about it some more. We talked about where we would eat and planned it a bit. SO HE KNEW I was gonna be in his state.It's not like I just appeared out of nowhere. I didn't just show up as some random on the internet he talked to for a little bit. HE KNEW I was gonna be in his state. I had already bought my ticket cause this was planed. He just backed up 2 days before since he had an emotionally charged fight that lasted awhile on the phone. Luckily I had another friend from California coming so I wasn't alone for the reminder of this.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you for clarifying and sharing the whole story. To be honest though it sounds like the long distance and him not knowing what he wants meant that it wasn't going to work out between you. I think if you're trying to date it doesn't matter in the long run why the person broke up with you. The point is they wanted to break up. I'm a very forthcoming person so if that had been me that had the diabetes issues, sure I would have been embarrassed. But afterwards I would have been contacting you on video call and so on to explain myself. I'd say something like: "I'm really sorry about what happened when you visited. I feel really bad. I like you a lot and I hope we can continue dating. Maybe I can come visit you next time, or you can come again and visit me." Instead he actually broke up with you and you didn't hear from him for a few months. Now the same thing happened again and he stood you up. I think bottom line is he's not interested in dating you. Even if the reason is his own personal issues, the end result is still the same. He doesn't want to pursue this.

Link to post
Share on other sites
when I got there he had a diabetic ketoacidosis attack so I had to stay by his bedside the rest of the trip. It was real serious. He had cried infront and me after vomiting on end in his apartment , said he ruined the trip and so many other things. It broke my heart to pieces.

 

I wanted to get him out of the house and just spend time together. Stay in an airbnb and just see more of Oregon. He was super nervous at first but warmed up after talking about it some more. We talked about where we would eat and planned it a bit.

 

You're very kind for being so concerned. Unfortunately, he doesn't appreciate it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

He sounds wishy washy and his head is in the clouds. Yeah, he broke up with you (I get it) and he moaned about how he didn't want to string you along but yet he continued to chat with you for days after you broke up, months even. I don't believe at all that he wasn't aware of your lingering feelings. I can see where he gave you the idea that he's interested passing comments like that about the airport etc and the sad/wistful comments about how he should have spent his time with you. Both of you also talked about your feelings for each other so I doubt there was any misunderstanding about the romance and how genuine it must have felt at the time. I think this is really a case of someone who isn't very with it and whatever personal issues he's going through, stop right there and don't take any more of his baggage on your shoulders. If this type of person annoys you, avoid them.

 

You seem to want to jump in and help him at every opportunity but I think you should realize that not everyone will deserve your help or your care. Know when to stop dead in your tracks when someone shows you a different side of them. Whatever misunderstandings you both have had in the past consider it all flattened and diminished entirely by the way he treated you when you were outside his apartment. That should be enough for you to give this person the big ol' flip of the finger and say screw you once and for all.

 

Don't keep pining for people like that. It'll just drive you into the ground and you deserve company that's a whole lot better.

 

Move on and don't look back.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't think he was afraid for his safety, OP.

 

But unfortunately, your presence was still un-welcomed. He didn't owe it to you to invite you inside or spend time with you, much as it hurts to hear. He might have known you were coming to his area but you were still not invited to his house.

 

I mentioned before, but it could simply be that he had another girl at his house - or wasn't even home because he was out with another girl - and reacted the way he did to keep from wondering just who the heck had shown up looking for him.

Link to post
Share on other sites

OP, regardless of reason, the relationship is over. What happened, how it happened, when it happened with who and the circumstances of the break up doesn't matter. It did not work out and you two are on different paths in life.

 

Your X is doing what they should be doing, and that is purging you from his life. You should be doing the same, purging him from yours. Also, he is an X, which means you do not have to care what they are doing and with who they are doing it with. It is over and its no longer your responsibility to care.

 

If you want to get off the ride, then all you have to do is step off.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...