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hello forum.

this is my first post.

 

I was dating a man five years ago. we me online and dated for about 2 months. he said he wanted to take things slow and at the time I was really lonely and clingy and gave him an ultimatum of relationship or nothing.

 

he said no to relationship and we stopped talking.

 

fast forward to last summer, I was recently out of a long term relationship and we started flirting again, I saw on his facebook that he was single.

 

that lasted about 1 month. same thing again. I wanted to take things further, but he is really aloof and sometimes into his hobbies and work and basically on another planet and hard to contact a lot of times.

 

that ended bad, he blocked me on facebook. a few weeks later I apologized for trying to force him and he accepted my apology and the next day said we could be friends if I wanted that. I said ok. The next day he posted that he was in a relationship with someone else. I was truly happy for him.

 

 

I have not talked to him much, but I was thinking about texting him. He usually texts back. We had AMAZING chemistry. but I understand that he just wanted to be friends. He lives about an hours drive from where I live.

 

Ive been feeling really lonely, my cat just passed and I m just alone and lost. :icon_sad:

 

 

Is it OK, to be his friend and just text him??? Thank you for your advice.

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Sorry about your cat. Hugs.

 

He is not your friend though. "Let's be friends" is just something people say when breaking up. You tried twice with this guy in five years and you and he remain the same different, incompatible people. Also he got into a relationship within weeks after your last fallout, so it doesn't sound like he was always that slow with relationships. Maybe he just doesn't feel you two are a match.

 

When you talk about chemistry you are not in a "friends" mindset. You can't be friends if either of you still have romantic feelings for the other, especially if he's still in a relationship. You risk hurting yourself again if you reach out to him for friendship. Do you have other friends or family for emotional support?

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I'm really sorry about your cat. Coronavirus quarantine has been a very difficult time. I'm sorry but I think this guy is just not that into you. The first time you dated for two months, he had enough time to decide if he wanted a relationship with you or not. And obviously he didn't. And also didn't the second time around either. I don't think he wants to be friends for real. I think he just said that to be polite. I think he's not really that interested in you in any capacity sorry.

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I'm very sorry for the loss of your cat especially during this time. No, don't contact him. He's with someone else and he and you didn't really see eye to eye previously. It'll drag you down and drag your self-esteem through the mud again. It's not worth it.

 

Practice lots of self-care.. I saw in another thread that you emphasized loving yourself. That's the right idea. Love yourself and give yourself space to cry about your current loss. You can post here to your heart's content and check the forums. Read, listen to music, watch movies, would making a collage or a memorial for your cat be helpful? Something to commemorate your time together and take a moment to remember.

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  • 3 weeks later...
You risk hurting yourself again if you reach out to him for friendship. Do you have other friends or family for emotional support?

 

Thanks SophiaG. I only have one best friend, he is a guy. Other than that I only have my mom and sister and dad that I am close to. I work really hard and that is what I like to do with my time, but as for as friends or emotional support, its very small.

 

Im just so depressed and hopeless. I have not contacted him for several days now only texted the other day 2 words hello and caught my self and then said bye.

 

Its just sad , you know you love someone and then you realize they have completely and utterly destroyed you.

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I would making a collage or a memorial for your cat be helpful? Something to commemorate your time together and take a moment to remember.

 

Thanks Rose Mosse, I collected a bunch of his stuff or anything that reminded me of him, he was orange and I had an orange blanket for him, his water and food bowl, his brush ( he was a long haired cat) other stuff a picture and I put them all in a silver box. I also have his ashes and paw print and picture on the mantle .

 

Oh I really miss him a lot. I guess I think now that I don't have a cat, maybe I am ready for a man to fill that role. My imagination really runs wild , I miss my ex a lot and wonder if he ever thinks about me.

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might as well asked "My X has told me a few times they no longer want to be with me and I want to be hurt again and be used as a doormat, is this the best way?"

 

you just have to accept that its not going to work. You might think you have amazing chemistry but if he felt the same way, you two would be together right now. He has said more than once that he didn't want a relationship with you and you want to remain friends so maybe one day he might look at you in a different way and ask you to try again? Your X knows you are out there and your X knows you want them and you are available to him and yet he hasn't taken a single step towards you. Do you need more hints or can you accept the ones he has given you?

 

I know it sucks when you feel something and they don't. I know you want to try really hard to make things work but it takes two people to do that. You are trying to force a square peg thru a round hole and its just not going to work.

 

You know the best thing for you is to let him go. So let him go. This is the best move for you. If your X sees a life without you and misses you, then he will come back on his own. If he doesn't want you then you wont hear from him. In the meantime, you cant wait. So move on with your life. Accept that its over, its not going to happen and make room in your heart for someone better.

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Its just sad , you know you love someone and then you realize they have completely and utterly destroyed you.

 

It is really difficult when someone doesn't return the feelings, but at the same time you need to be more objective about this. You dated for 2 months. Yet you hold him responsible for destroying your life.

You barely knew him and at 2 months is was likely more of an infatuation than real love.

 

This along with other circumstances you've shared suggests this really isn't about him. He doesn't hold the key to your happiness.

 

I suspect you had a large void to fill to begin with and when this didn't end the way you hoped, you seem to have hinged your whole world on a potential relationship with someone who didn't feel the same.

 

The goal here is to fill yourself up in other ways. Cultivate more friendships, interests and hobbies.

 

People get uneasy when they sense that someone sees them as their everything and their happiness and their entire fragile world is dependent on them.

 

At the same time I am sorry this is a difficult time for you. I'm sure we can all relate to the disappointment and feeling isolated without alot of support. Losing a pet no doubt magnifies that. I am so sorry.

 

But you are short changing yourself by blaming him for your loneliness.

Work on filling that void with other things and when you are content is the best time to venture out to date. You choose wisely because you want a partner and not because you need one to make you happy.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Thanks everyone, the advice on here is unbelievably helpful. I can’t thank you enough for taking the time and care to respond to my questions.

 

There has been no communication between me and this man. Suppose it’s for the best.

 

Stay strong. This is a tough time and the pandemic can amplify the feelings of loneliness and sadness. But all this shall pass. Find little ways to make yourself happy. Talk to your friend and family regularly and join some local club/group if you can. Take it one day at a time.

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