Jump to content

Nice guy, but really not interested


Recommended Posts

Thanks so much for a lovely evening and I don't think it makes sense for us to see each other again/ or I don't think we have enough in common for us to see each other again. Back when I dated I gave silence as my response most of the time. Much of the time when I mentioned "chemistry" etc the person wouldn't take no for an answer and/or harassed me in some way. I preferred silence to "you are sooooo amazing and I am not ready for a relationship"

Link to post
Share on other sites

You don't say anything at all unless he contacts you and asks you for another date. Quite often, the lack of spark and interest is mutual and doesn't need to be spelled out preemptively.

 

If he does reach out, then a polite "Thank you it was great meeting you but we are not a match. Wish you well with other dates." No need to say anything else. It was just a date. Don't go over the top sugar coating things or gushing about how he is such a great guy and you had such a great time with him - it's confusing and insulting to the other person. If he is so great, why won't you see him again? So just keep it straightforward and simple. Civil, but not sugar coating gushing nonsense.

Link to post
Share on other sites

So he didn’t ask you out. I was told things like this a lot and no follow up. Since you didnt say anything he likely won’t follow up. I get messages and calls regularly from people expressing interest in getting together. Quite often even if I respond enthusiastically and follow up with a particular time there’s silence or some equally tentative response where the ball is then in their court. If he calls you to actually ask you for a date you can consider it then.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Lambert..... he said he would like to see me again, and try a new restaurant that has opened in our area. I didn't respond, just thanked him for the evening and said goodnight.

 

So you already rejected him. Unless he is really dense or very persistent, doubt he'll be reaching out again. Unless or until he does, nothing to do for you.

 

If he does, big if, just be civil and keep it simple. Don't go on about how he is so nice or whatever, just say that you aren't feeling it and wish him luck elsewhere. Done. Remember the KISS principle - keep it simple....

Link to post
Share on other sites

Ok,if no word from him, leave it, otherwise as others suggested a simple 'not a match' type response is fine

Lambert..... he said he would like to see me again, and try a new restaurant that has opened in our area. I didn't respond, just thanked him for the evening and said goodnight.
Link to post
Share on other sites
Lambert..... he said he would like to see me again, and try a new restaurant that has opened in our area. I didn't respond, just thanked him for the evening and said goodnight.
I would let it go. The less said the better. If he asks you out again... then you can say thanks but I don't want to lead you on or something.

 

I think a lot of dates end with hey let's do this again sometime or whatever.... but if a plan is not made or an offer isn't extended, don't offer a rejection.

 

It comes across bad... like dag, girl I didn't even ask you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Say: "You're a nice guy and I had a lovely time during our date. However, I will thankfully decline a second date." Keep it brief, polite, gentle yet firm. No need to explain further. Do this only IF he asks you for a second date. If he doesn't offer you a second date, don't say anything. Keep quiet and let the two of you fizzle naturally.

 

Don't say you're "not interested." Don't insert any negativity. Remain positive and respectful. Soften the blow by being kind. No one enjoys feeling rejected but you can do it as nice as possible.

 

Often times doing and saying nothing is the message and the answer to the guy that you're obviously not interested without saying so. He'll take a hint and move on as should you.

Edited by Cherylyn
Link to post
Share on other sites

Whatever you do don’t text out a long list of why you can’t date him. Yeah a guy did that to me once. It was a three paragraph text of why he and I wouldn’t work. I mean I believe in being honest but yeah....

 

Just keep it simple and short and straight to the point.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, he hasn't technically asked you out again -- just expressed "hey, we should do this again sometime," possibly as a way of gauging your interest in a second date. Your lack of response to that may have been enough that he won't follow up on it.

 

If he does follow up and ask you out, keep it short and succinct: Something like "It was good meeting you, but I'm not interested in another date" or something along that line. Whatever you do, DON'T over-explain along the lines of "You seem like a great guy, and I know you'll meet someone really great, but..." or "I really enjoyed the date, but I've realized I'm not ready for a relationship right now" (that one is such a cliche at this point that no one really believes it.) You don't owe him any explanation; polite rejection of his request will suffice.

 

Also: I have to disagree with those telling you to preface your rejection by telling him he's a "nice guy." I'd advise against this. In my experience, and from what men I know have told me, no one wants to hear "You're a nice guy, butttttttttt......" It either a) Gives false hope; or b) More likely, it can come off patronizing.

 

You don't need to say anything unless you actually hear from him again, either. If he does contact you, then definitely respond honestly -- don't just ghost him -- but don't feel obligated to launch a preemptive strike and reject a second-date invitation before it even happens.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Lambert..... he said he would like to see me again, and try a new restaurant that has opened in our area. I didn't respond, just thanked him for the evening and said goodnight.

 

You deflected well, and no need to say anything further unless pressed. In that case, thank him for asking, tell him you enjoyed the date but don't feel the right chemistry for another.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Just keep it simple and short and straight to the point.

 

Agree with this.

 

I think it's ok to say that you enjoyed his company but don't feel enough chemistry to see him again if he starts up a new conversation or contacts you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Just don't ghost in my opinion. Not only is it rude, it also limits your own personal growth. Learning to reject things is extremely important in life, whether it's professional or personal. Like many people stated: a simple "I had a lovely time, but I don't see a romantic future for us" is enough. If you think there was a friendly vibe and possibility you can mention that aswell: "I had a lovely evening, but I don't see a romantic future for us. However, I think we could become friends if you feel the same".

 

I've had quite a few dates where we just didn't have that sexual attraction but I'm still in friendly contact with. There is no romantic hope on my side. I do see in my group of friends that some accept friendships hoping to maybe change her mind. They will deny that until much later. Do with that what you want.

 

EDIT: If he pushes you in any way, then you can ghost. You might even want to block him if he pushes or gets angry. It seems that's not a rare occurance for women to experience.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Just don't ghost in my opinion. Not only is it rude, it also limits your own personal growth. Learning to reject things is extremely important in life, whether it's professional or personal. Like many people stated: a simple "I had a lovely time, but I don't see a romantic future for us" is enough. If you think there was a friendly vibe and possibility you can mention that aswell: "I had a lovely evening, but I don't see a romantic future for us. However, I think we could become friends if you feel the same".

 

I've had quite a few dates where we just didn't have that sexual attraction but I'm still in friendly contact with. There is no romantic hope on my side. I do see in my group of friends that some accept friendships hoping to maybe change her mind. They will deny that until much later. Do with that what you want.

 

EDIT: If he pushes you in any way, then you can ghost. You might even want to block him if he pushes or gets angry. It seems that's not a rare occurance for women to experience.

 

I don't think silence in response to being asked by someone you just met once to meet again is ghosting. I've done both -silence and responding. On my end I 100% prefer silence especially to the "you're so amazing but...." ridiculous response. It's not rejection -it's declining another date with a near stranger. I've responded with tact and thought and been harassed too many times. To me ghosting is silence when you have an established relationship with someone and want to end it - then at that point the other person and you should meet in person preferably to discuss what's happening and why.

 

I also hate the "we should become friends" with someone I barely know - especially if it was through a dating site - my only purpose being on that site was to find a husband. Not to make friends. I had enough friends and wasn't interested in pursuing a friendship through a dating site. Having said that I did end up making friends through dating sites but no it wasn't an offer I would have made or accepted from a near stranger.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I don't think silence in response to being asked by someone you just met once to meet again is ghosting. I've done both -silence and responding. On my end I 100% prefer silence especially to the "you're so amazing but...." ridiculous response. It's not rejection -it's declining another date with a near stranger. I've responded with tact and thought and been harassed too many times. To me ghosting is silence when you have an established relationship with someone and want to end it - then at that point the other person and you should meet in person preferably to discuss what's happening and why.

 

I also hate the "we should become friends" with someone I barely know - especially if it was through a dating site - my only purpose being on that site was to find a husband. Not to make friends. I had enough friends and wasn't interested in pursuing a friendship through a dating site. Having said that I did end up making friends through dating sites but no it wasn't an offer I would have made or accepted from a near stranger.

 

Just because you yourself don't think silence (or not responding) isn't ghosting doesn't change the commonly accepted meaning of the concept. According to the Oxford dictionary: "Ghosting is ​the practice of ending a personal relationship with somebody by suddenly stopping all communication without explanation. Ghosting can happen after one date or a few texts, but it can also happen after several months of dating." I do agree the concept is used in all kinds of different contexts and to be honest, some dictionaries leave room for some interpretation. Even here, considering it only mentions up to several months of dating. What about years or decades? Also I'm sorry to hear about your experiences of being harassed. It's sad that this seems to be a common experience for women. And it's understandable you take an avoidant stance. Still, not responding could be considered rude and for some on the receiving (or not receiving, haha) end it could be a hurtful experience. I'd say do the tough but mature thing first, if they respond negatively you block them. In my opinion you preferably should communicate that aswell as it then comes from a place of power and ownership: "I have been clear about what I want. I feel like you disregard that so I feel forced to stop all communication with you. I wish you the best." Though I do understand that could be scary for many women as there are some scary men out there. Ghosting might feel like the safest response then. If so, sure. Whatever feels right for you. It's just that my point is that clear communication is objectively an extremely powerful skill to take ownership of your life in general.

 

That being said, regarding your argument it's in my opinion a pretty weak argumentative strategy that you only present the polarized response-options of either silence or an intense and ridiculous "You're so amazing bla bla bla". In addition to that, using merely your own personal experience is a really limited way of framing both ghosting aswell as dating in a world consisting of so many complex and variable people. Your personal goal of finding a husband through OLD isn't everyone's goal. Some are looking for only hookups, some for casual dating, others for finding a spouse, some might even be in it just for attention and some could be open or even closed to any kind of experience. This obviously can change for you personally over time aswell. However, just as there is a possiblity for a romantic connection, the possiblity of a purely platonic connection could be there aswell. If some people truly feel that way, why would they dispose of that possibility? To me it seems like you frame both the context and concept to fit your own specific but narrow interpretation of ghosting just for argument's sake. Or perhaps to justify your own ghosting, or "silence" as you call it. The point I'm making here is that you cannot know which feelings you're going to have yourself when meeting new people, and much less when it concerns someone else. I hope you don't see my response as an attack as that's not my intention. I hope we're just having a friendly but fierce discussion.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...