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My partner’s sister is sabotaging our relationship


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My partner’s sister is sabotaging our relationship

 

Need help!!

 

My partner (M29) and I(F28) have been in a relationship for 3 years. We moved in together 2 years back. We live overseas just by ourselves. Our parents are not in the same country as us. His sister(F33) lives in the same country as us. She got married and moved here 5 years ago. She got divorced after 1 year and then moved in with my partner after her divorce. He was then living with his ex girlfriend and sister for a year. His sister didn’t get along with his ex and his ex decided to end the relationship because of his sister as she was very intrusive and made her life hell in the house. My partner and his sister continued to live together after his break up.

 

After we started dating, they were still living together and then she had to move out as she got a job far away from where they were living. My partner asked me if I wanted to move in with him and I said yes. His sister has now bought a new house which is like 100 kms away from where we currently live. She is still single and feels lonely and depressed so she wants my partner to move in with her again as she can’t handle things alone. His family doesn’t know that we live together so they are supportive of her decision to have my partner move in with her. Me and her don’t get along either so I can’t move in with them. My partner feels that she is alone so he should help her out. He has come up with a suggestion that he will divide his time amongst the two of us during the week i.e. spend 3 days with me and 4 days with her and vice versa. I think it’s ridiculous because it’s hard for him to juggle between two homes in a week and when he has to go to work as well. I think his sister just does not want him to be with me and that’s why she’s causing all these problems in our relationship. What should I do? I feel like she will never find anyone as it is really hard to live with her and if I decide to marry my partner she will always be causing problems in our relationship.

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Why is your partner babying and coddling his sister so much? To be honest I think these situations are actually his fault because he always allowed all this to happen. For one thing it's actually not common for a brother and sister to live together. Especially when he had his ex girlfriend, why did he live with the sister too? Why does he want to live with her now?! Who cares if she's lonely, it's not his problem! It's not his responsibility to make sure she doesn't feel lonely. She can live by herself or with friends. Their relationship doesn't sound healthy at all! Very co-dependant. Almost even sounds incestuous because it seems like she's jealous of your boyfriend's relationships. He has to put an end to all this!

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Sorry, its not the sister, its your boyfriend. YOU are also the problem if you keep living together a secret. I don't see a problem if a brother and sister are the only family in a foreign country and they decide to live together. But since he lives with a girlfriend, it should be a mutual decision. I think things are rather clear. If he wants to visit his sister every other weekend, i'd be supportive of that, but if he wants to live there 50-50 to hide his live in relationship - i'd kick him out or move out.

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The guy doesn't have any kind of normal, healthy adult boundaries with his family. Also, you've been living together two years but his family doesn't know about that? That's also really really wrong on many levels. Your relationship is basically a secret to them to a large and important extent. Why is this acceptable to you?

 

You are right that what he is proposing is unrealistic. However, be sure that you aren't missing the forest for the trees. The overall family dynamics are really messed up and problematic. He already wrecked one relationship that you know of over this and don't be surprised that yours ends the same way. Before you get involved and get into a serious relationship with any guy, always pay attention to these kinds of things because what he did in the past is literally your future story. Dude has serious issues and no spine to speak of. That doesn't make him a good partner overall, more like good for now, but not for keeps.

 

If you want, talk to him. However if he doesn't wake up and rethink his behavior, nothing you can do but walk away. You can't fix a toxic family dynamic.

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I would have to break up with this guy. I know its not what you want to hear... I was with a guy whose dad died and he became the man of the house to his mother and sisters.

 

It was the wall and boundary, that was always between us- by his choice... it took me a lot of time and feeling "less than" to finally realize, this is him. He is never going to put a woman above his mum.

 

Last I heard, he is still living with his mom, never married, no kids. Not that there is anything wrong with this. Just goes to show, this is his choice for his life.

 

Its ridiculous for a man to split time between his gf and his sister. Its also total BS that you hide living together.

 

This is as far as this guy is going to go with you. You're wasting your time tolerating this.

 

Put your foot down and you'll find where you stand....

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They sound like a package deal and it may not be a family dynamic that works for you. You don't have to like it. It doesn't sound like your relationship with your partner has progressed much in two years.

 

I wouldn't go down the rabbithole getting upset at his sister for interfering - it doesn't sound like you know her very well. Do you? Why do you not get along with his sister? Any examples of her behaviour towards you or situations that have come up prior to this current one about moving? Focus more on your relationship and ask yourself why you haven't met his parents or more of his family or maybe haven't had a chance to spend time (meaningful time) with his sister since you've been dating for awhile now.

 

He may not have told his family about you for any number of reasons. If it's a conservative culture, maybe that's just what people do. I think you should have a good, long, hard think about whether you're both compatible and ask yourself why this relationship dragged on this long without you getting to know more of his family.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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Your bf is a wimp for not setting boundaries with his sister. She needs to be told to find a roommate where she lives, not her own brother. It sounds like a really screwed up toxic family and you need to think hard about whether or not you really want to continue living as you are, which is a secret from his parents. That is just ridiculous.

 

If your bf wants to divide his week between you and her, tell him to pack up his sh1t and move in with her.

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You are right, it is ridiculous.

 

You need to put your foot down. What would happen if you were married. Your bf is weak and has zero boundaries.

 

Why have YOU allowed the relationship to be a secret?

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