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My relationship is definitely a complicated one, we met last January while I was traveling for work, I would arrange my schedule to see him for least a day or two as often as possible and took all my vacation time to visit him. In January we decided that my traveling was putting too much strain on the relationship and he needed help with his two young boys. So we decided that I should quit my job, which I did. In doing so we had planned to get married to start our life together and to avoid any visa complications which gave us a 5 month timeline.

We got all the necessary paperwork ready and plans in place we were just waiting for the courts to open as they were closed for the pandemic.

The courts opened again and every time I mentioned the wedding he completely ignored me. Eventually I got so upset that he said he feels rushed and that I’m forcing a wedding. This completely destroyed me. I thought he wanted to marry me, I thought the whole reason we were doing this was to build a life together, now I just feel like I was a free babysitter, maid and cook for him.

Due to his decision I have to now leave the country with no job and no money (I used everything to support his poor finances) and honestly I just feel stupid.

He says he doesn’t want to break up but how can I be ok with someone who cares so little about what this would mean to me

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now I just feel like I was a free babysitter, maid and cook for him.

 

He says he doesn’t want to break up but how can I be ok with someone who cares so little about what this would mean to me

 

I'm so sorry for what you're going through OP. It was a mistake to quit your job before getting married. Now you see who he is and of course he doesn't want to break up because it's not always this easy to find a free babysitter, maid and cook that comes with sex and financial support. Write him off, get a job when you can and go back to live your life for yourself.

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OP, my advice to you is to cut your losses pronto and to make a plan for yourself and your future as you head back to your country.

 

The important thing to learn from this is that you were in a relationship with a User. The relationship was always a one-way street straight from the beginning. You were the only one who was investing time, money, and work into the relationship. The guy you were with sat back and did nothing, really. He never traveled to see you, he allowed you to support him financially, and he had you cooking, cleaning, and babysitting for him. What effort did he ever make, on his end? None that I can see.

 

In future, don't get into a relationship which is so obviously one-sided. A good relationship should be an equal partnership in which both sides are making contributions.

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Of course he doesn't want to break up. Free help is hard to find.

 

Please get whatever you have left of your funds and go back home. Get a job, get your life back on track. Check to see if maybe you can get your old job back. There is no way around the fact that this was a colossal mistake on your part and one I hope you'll never repeat again. Never again quit your life because some guy needs a maid and a babysitter. Never get ahead of yourself and start playing wifey to a user and a loser who needs to be mothered.

 

As my great grandmother and all the other women in my family drilled into my head since I was a child, never ever depend on a man for money. Always have your own means, your own job, your own life, and your own resources and when it comes to relationships, look for an equal partner who wants to share a life, not usurp it.

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So we decided that I should quit my job, which I did. In doing so we had planned to get married to start our life together and to avoid any visa complications which gave us a 5 month timeline.

 

Oh no, bad move!

 

He says he doesn’t want to break up but how can I be ok with someone who cares so little about what this would mean to me

 

You can't be ok with someone like that. Don't make a bad decision worse by sticking with him!

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I have to agree with the others. Get out of this situation asap. I'm sorry you invested so much in a user.

 

You're going to feel bad about this for a time and its going to take a lot to get yourself back on your feet.

 

Do you have any family or friends that can help you get back to your home country? Maybe stay with them for awhile?

 

I would secretly plan my exit and just leave his user ass.

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Doesn't sound like a nice guy or one who seems in the right frame of mind. How recently has he been separated or divorced from his wife if he's been married (the mother of his kids)?

 

I agree with the others. Cut your losses now and start picking up the pieces. It's better that you never married, as terrible as that might sound. Imagine if you had married this person and he didn't treat the commitment as seriously as you might have.

 

There's a lot to process and accept here. Take a time out and start rebuilding. Is there any way your previous employer will re-hire you? You quit in January which is when the pandemic wasn't at full tilt just yet. Are you able to contact your previous employer or have those bridges been burned, so to speak? The lockdowns and quarantines are just lifting slowly now. I think it's worth a shot if you don't feel uncomfortable about it.

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Be thankful you can get away from him and move back home. What type of visa complications? Sorry to say he used you as slave labor.

we decided that I should quit my job. In doing so we had planned to get married to start our life together and to avoid any visa complications which gave us a 5 month timeline. he said he feels rushed and that I’m forcing a wedding. I just feel like I was a free babysitter, maid and cook for him. Due to his decision I have to now leave the country with no job and no money
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As my great grandmother and all the other women in my family drilled into my head since I was a child, never ever depend on a man for money. Always have your own means, your own job, your own life, and your own resources and when it comes to relationships, look for an equal partner who wants to share a life, not usurp it.

 

This a million times over.

 

Also wondering why the huge rush to get married when you only met this guy in January? Are you looking for a way out of your country?

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  • 2 weeks later...

Feeling like I'm losing my mind. Been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half and we spent the first 9 months doing long distance because of my job, I would see him every 2 weeks. In January we discussed our future and we decided that I should quit my job, mainly because he didn't want to do the distance anymore but in doing so it meant that we had 6 months to get married else my visa would expire. But at the time it's exactly what we wanted and the direction our relationship was heading in. Things were great, we were partners and life was great until it became time to start planning on getting married. With Covid making things even harder too. I noticed that whenever I would bring it up he would stonewall me. Eventually I snapped and just asked if he even wanted to get married and he said no, and that I'm forcing him. I was so shocked, we had discussed a plan and it was never my idea, now I was being told I was forcing him. We had hired a lawyer and done all the paperwork necessary. Why waste all that money that we don't have if it's not what he wanted?Freaking hurts. I love him so much and he knows that but I guess it doesn't go both ways. So my visa is only valid for 2 more weeks and with Covid my country has been in lockdown. There was one repatriation flight on monday which I said I would take and he literally just said do whatever you want. no care in the world. I left my job, drained all my accounts to build a good life with him and I just feel stupid, embarrassed and crazy.

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A year ago this relationship was having issues due to his ex (who he has children with!). Also his financial issues.

 

This man was never going to be the relationship you wanted.

 

Sorry for how things turned out, but now you can be free to pursue the right relationship when you're ready.

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Feeling like I'm losing my mind. Been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half and we spent the first 9 months doing long distance because of my job, I would see him every 2 weeks. In January we discussed our future and we decided that I should quit my job, mainly because he didn't want to do the distance anymore but in doing so it meant that we had 6 months to get married else my visa would expire. But at the time it's exactly what we wanted and the direction our relationship was heading in. Things were great, we were partners and life was great until it became time to start planning on getting married. With Covid making things even harder too. I noticed that whenever I would bring it up he would stonewall me. Eventually I snapped and just asked if he even wanted to get married and he said no, and that I'm forcing him. I was so shocked, we had discussed a plan and it was never my idea, now I was being told I was forcing him. We had hired a lawyer and done all the paperwork necessary. Why waste all that money that we don't have if it's not what he wanted?Freaking hurts. I love him so much and he knows that but I guess it doesn't go both ways. So my visa is only valid for 2 more weeks and with Covid my country has been in lockdown. There was one repatriation flight on monday which I said I would take and he literally just said do whatever you want. no care in the world. I left my job, drained all my accounts to build a good life with him and I just feel stupid, embarrassed and crazy.

 

What kinds of arguments did you have leading up to the stonewalling? People stonewall because they've reached their limits usually. There's an unspoken belief or understanding that no matter what else is said nothing else helps or changes things. It's a person checking out and it can also be emotional blackmail for the manipulative type.

 

He, however, seems like he's checked out completely.

 

My advice to you is to gather your things, your wits and your dignity about you and don't waste a minute's hesitation more. Start thinking more on your terms. All those months or years you've been without him prior to meeting him? Yes, all that time. Switch gears and flip the switch. The amount of time this person has existed in your life vs. not existed is minimal. You know what to do. It will be painful and you may feel the earth give way under you as you reorganize your reality and revert to thinking of yourself as an individual but that is what has to be done. Put yourself first from now on. This person's life is no longer a part of yours. There's no time to feel stupid, embarrassed or crazy. Be a survivor and start thinking of yourself first. Process all of this in due time but don't be paralyzed. Move now and take care of yourself.

 

Something to keep in mind: there are people out there who won't be as self-aware, honest or forthcoming as yourself. Yes, they exist. When you look back at this one day, you'll be able to tell the difference and you'll be the wiser. For now, please take care of yourself and don't linger.

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