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the amount of clarity and peace you can experience from taking yourself away from toxic lifeless relationships is a good therapy in itself.

 

Although there will be quite an urge to unblock that person and let them know you are living a life on your own and no longer afraid of them, but this peace can become addictive, you love that space where you only think about yourself, why would we let go of that, it gives you a sense of purpose, a sense of belonging to a world which was not there before.

 

If somebody disgusts you, degrades your mental health to such levels that you start hating yourself then that person needs to be left alone cause they don't care for you they don't love you.

 

Live your life in solitude, be grateful for life as it unfolds the unknown before you, learn and grow. Someday someone right will be part of your life. Save your feelings for them.

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Yes, it could be that way. May be she's in a new relationship. Best to leave the door unlocked and not worry about it too much.

I finally cleared the Microsoft Azure Architect exam, it does feel good and promising for a new year start. It was a surprise ask from my boss to lead a group of engineers to build a separate Squ

last 3 days happened to be the quite stressful am not sure if this pandemic is elevating all the levels , nothing seems to work meditation workouts movies songs pathetic.

To make matters even tougher i happened to book the Amazon Aws solution architect exam, whole time leading to this exam for some reason kept recollecting past memories, i had failed this exam last year and more than me being upset with that result it was the cold reaction of my ex that hurt the most.

 

oh well that was then and today i cleared it :D

 

[ATTACH=CONFIG]11641[/ATTACH]

 

staying away from the exes can sometimes be really peaceful

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Feeling pathetic lonely for past 2 days dont feel like doing workouts my meditation,

ex just popped up in my dreams, we were just talking at some home about a kid

, was not afraid seein her dont feel weird but its a different feeling waking up today.

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life has so much peace to offer yet we are attracted to drama in so many ways.

I guess these lockdown we are so much occupied with mobile phones, prime, netflix, internet, social media, instagram whatsapp.

The eyes hurt sometimes and its good to take a break once in a while

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  • 2 weeks later...

Ok the day has come when i woke up and dont think about the past.

It feels like some big weight has been lifted. Sometimes i still think about her and let the memories pass by.

 

Had a meeting with my manager and he is mighty impressed with my efforts and wanted me to be part of a new Cloud computing engineering group first one for Europe and US.

 

Sounds exciting something new to look forward to

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Sometimes i feel did i do the right thing of blocking the people who just kept hurting me.Their behavior and those nasty responses just gives a shiver within me, looking back i feel i should have left long back from these people and the relationships.Life seems like a roller coaster of emotions, some days you feel good about being alone doing your own stuff and then the memories come haunting you back.its like you want the memories to be erased but the not the lessons learnt.

Unfortunately you need to go through the pains to learn the important lessons, this was meant to happen to make you the person you are today.

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  • 2 weeks later...

ok 2 good things happened in my life last week

 

cleared AWS Speciality certification - [ATTACH=CONFIG]11644[/ATTACH]

and we won a million pounds deal to upgrade customer infrastructure, my contribution was widely appreciated across the company.

this was one tough deal to get through so many presentations and queries from the customer, in the end was so exhausted to even do my regular workout and meditation routine.

Need to get this into my diary, miss my dad, shared the news with my sister and Mom all are so happy.

I truly feel like i have moved ON today but not without the learnings from past not without the failures not without the hurts the abuses....they have all shaped me into who i am.

 

This small, tiny moment in my life is whats called happiness!!!

 

Grateful to all the people who inspired and motivated me throughout.

 

Life has just started again :)

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These past few days have been mixed there is this immense feeling to let go of that ex of mine, why keep her blocked.

Am not acting on it, trying to occupy this mind as much as possible with work or something else like music, workouts, mediations.

 

Her name doesnt bring bad feelings any more but the memories are still fresh, when you look back the whole relationship feels fake.

As if she never loved me and just vanished once i was no longer useful for her. I don't know why she came into my life. we sometimes talk about learning the lesson through our failures.

I dont know how to trust someone again. its normal to feel like this but someday i wish i would trust someone and she will not let me down and leave me.

Once you get invested in some person it becomes super tough to see the real person and when they show their true identity you are just completely in a different zone altogether, Did i meet someone else before and who is this person, what her values, why would somebody change their nature so drastically towards you. Although the signs are there from the very beginning we have ignored them unfortunately its not your brain its your heart thats telling you to ignore it.

Need to learn loving your self more so you dont get involved with such people.

 

God bless.

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Am not sure whats happenning, woke up in the night kept thinking about that ex, why am i losing it offlate, i have been doing well personally but still there is this disappointment inside, why me why i had to go through all the abuse why i didnt see the real person in her and let myself damage in the whole process. Wish i could visit my therapist its been many months.

Sometimes this continous WFH not much social life can really mess up this mind.

Am up from early morning sitting on the office laptop and typin this. Watched some netflix and youtube videos to change this frame of mind but nothing ticks for now.

its too cold here, dont feel like cooking going to have some bread and cheese on it.

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Spoke to Mom couldnt keep on working she asked why i was not speaking much today, i just kept doing hmm for everything.

Something is weird about what am going through, is this because i have not been out for a while due to infections rising around or just plain anxiety disappointment, sadness all working overtime within me.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Well finally have some cousins visiting me , they left their home and reached my place without getting out of their car fearing infection.

Its such a good feeling to be amongst family, so thrilled to see them, they have a beautiful kid who is going through online education, happy seeing him go through his class online.

Awesome feeling.

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It's good to hear that you've re-connected with family. Family is very important. It's been an issue of being separated for many, through out this whole pandemic with forced isolation.

 

I'm glad you all stayed safe.

 

Thanks Sherry hope all are doing well at your end too.

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  • 2 months later...

I have been off for few days not sure why there is a feeling of void inside. I have not been to the therapist for many months now. Finding happiness and peace within during all this pandemic is like climbing the mount everest. Sometimes i just see dad's pictures and tell him i will not loose it and will keep fighting sad thoughts, past abused memories until whatever it takes to get to the other side.

Sister has been really supportive of whatever am taking up to work on my growth and personal well being. Sometimes i feel am not strong enough to go through all the that happened with me. But its been a year of finding myself all over again. lot of patience and hard work being put in, staying off liquor, cigarettes for almost 8 months now. Working out,meditation and doing stuff that makes me feel good about life in general. Although i sometime curse my ex for treating me the way she did, i just have not come to terms with it and have not been able to forgive or forget her.

Whenever i think about forgiving her or myself the whole experience of taking loads of abuse comes right before me and i freeze. i will get there some day.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I was in a very good happy space today went for a long drive just hung out with myself.

Roads look good without traffic i guess people are just not roaming around much.

Spoke to Sis it was her birthday, niece was on too, niece says she wants to become the president of America one day.

I was like after looking at what happened & is happening, any job but president sounds so assuring and amazing.

the clock's ticking i need to be at the doctors tomorrow for a regular checkup. Somebody just stole the Ford's Tyre air cap, that's something new to look at.

There was a time i used to be so happy doing stuff for me slowly getting there i hope

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a very good colleague of mine is leaving the organization today unfortunately its a virtual farewell.

Its a sad and happy moment he is moving to Juniper a good organization so am happy for him. Sad that we will no longer be working together.

He is going to be reporting to one of my best friends there. So looks like he is moving from one family to another lol

I guess we meet quite few personalities in real life who motivate you a lot, they keep their life very simple, are not the ones who are very famous or obsessed about success, pay and stuff.

I learned a lot from him and the way he cared about his team mates during fire situations lol.

Well life keeps going on they say no matter what happens in life.

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