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2019 wasn't the best of my life, alone and at peace today, doing my own stuff for quite some months.

 

This is a 6 months update on how am coping with anxiety, getting things right with my life.

 

A relationship which i felt was going to be best for me & her turned out to be a very bad mistake. It was a never to be a relationship in the end, something i really shouldn't have put myself into without verifying facts and knowing well the person am getting involved with. Boundaries were crossed, i lost respect for myself in the end.

 

While getting through it i started developing lot of self pity, lost my self esteem, self worth, confidence, always looked down upon myself, ashamed of my behaviour, developed very bad anxiety issues, caused truck loads of other health issues. there wasn't a day where i wouldn't wake up, look in the mirror, feel sorry and sick of the person i had become.

I wished for the day to end soon but another day was waiting with everything repeating , an infinite loop.

 

Spoke a lot about it in the forums, many good souls here really helped me look at it from a different perspective, still something was keeping me hooked on to the pain and memories.

 

And then one day the therapist happened.

 

To be continued...:)

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Yes, it could be that way. May be she's in a new relationship. Best to leave the door unlocked and not worry about it too much.

I finally cleared the Microsoft Azure Architect exam, it does feel good and promising for a new year start. It was a surprise ask from my boss to lead a group of engineers to build a separate Squ

I wanted my 2020 to be only with memories where i do something for me only. I had been a giver throughout my life be it with Mom,sis and the ex.

 

Therapist was not a known one she works in super isolation but She has a phd in psychology and is also a well known corporate trainer, a life coach for many. She has been to my company and where my ex works now.

We spoke, she said go with your gut and call me if you want to meet up. I had her contact from a friend for six months, but didnt have the courage, when we spoke it was like about 1 month after the abusive interaction with the ex.

 

Before i met her i gifted myself a Ford SUV on my birthday and drove to my therapist place with that for first time.

 

She is of same age probably younger than me not sure but very mature and understanding. Her place is nearby my ex's parents home. My ex used to stay there and i used to hang around during the dating phase. I was little worried if she knew her, but she said even she did our thing will remain confidential.

 

I spoke about the childhood abuses of mine and experiences in our first meeting. I spoke about fear of life in general, like i had a fear for driving, vertigo, and reacting to abuse, somebody shouts at you and becomes mean and nasty, i go into shutdown mode, just freeze cant fight back.

She was happy i bought the suv, that was something i wished to get with all my savings :)...am happy that is what matters.

 

She explained that all the experiences i went through including the panic attacks where due to the endurance thing i have for abuse. I don't walk away when it happens. I just endure as long as i can and then vanish.You loose yourself with all such experiences in life, sometimes you have a better option to react in a positive way, like walk away or just calmly explain to the other person that their behavior is not something you can put up with it and leave if they continue.

But none of this happened with me, i kept enduring everything from childhood till now.

 

She asked me am i in touch with my ex, i said i have blocked her on all platforms. Told her I tried removing her quite a few times from block and few common friends talk about us but i go into shut mode, i completely isolate myself. I go back to blocking her.

 

She explained healing through multiple methods, through art, through hypnosis, through journalling, analyzes you the way you write, they call it something in psychology

 

understand why the other person is reacting the way they do, its not your problem its theirs.

Why we put our self in a position for the other person to hurt us, why dont we choose to walk away? be it in relationship, friendship or professional

 

The whole point to all the negative and bad experiences in life is - love & respect yourself more than anybody else, this need to be understood first just like we eat good food, go to college do our work etc.

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Art

==

 

Our paintings, way we write , can be analyzed to how we feel about life in general or the way we understand it

I drew a painting of a man walking with his umbrella on in a rainy season alone. I showed her some of my journals.

 

This was the first painting i drew after about 3 decades, i was a good painter in school, won few competitions but i never took that passion of mine through adulthood.

 

The grind of engineering college and work in general just made this passion to take a back seat....it never went with me as i kept experience life the way i thought was meant to be.

 

Nothing is meant to happen, we need to work towards it, be it finding a good partner, saying no to some who you dont feel are right for you.

Unfortunately with majority of my relationships after 5 or 6 months the signs were there but we givers dont let go of the hope and always wish that this is the one. The problem with this notion is the other party gets away with treating you without respect.The harm that it does to you - you change, there are behavior changes, sometimes we dont react the way we should cause of the trauma that the disrespect & abuse inflicts upon us.

 

It is only us who can take good care of our well being. We can be in a healthy relationship, friendships that you can rely upon when you are down and one that you can share your happiness with is very important for our lives.

Learn to say No, be brave to walk away from people who dont respect you, put you down often. You are not avoiding them or being childish, immature by blocking them, you are creating healthy boundaries for you, your well being.

Yes you love them but they dont, if your gut says somethings wrong about them, believe.

 

Its simple people whom you choose to be special in your life obviously were chosen for a reason and if they change and start hurting you, they dont belong in your life any more, they need to sort out their issues, its them not you.

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If you have made mistakes, even serious ones, there is always another chance for you. What we call failure is not the falling down but the staying down

 

I just keep reading these motivational quotes from people these days.

 

if we fail, there are lot of learnings in that failure, its all the mindset, the attitude that matters

 

Make yourself so strong that no failures can defeat you.

 

Dont be afraid to love again, dont fear, fear keeps you from learning, fear will tell you never to love again.

 

Take up that thing in life that you thought was impossible to achieve, you will fail but you will learn, knowledge of failure will keep you going in life its the most precious lesson one can give our self.

 

There is no bigger teacher than your last big failure.

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Gratitude

 

Be grateful to whatever you have achieved in life, if you have helped somebody in life or havent , step out of that old life of yours and give something to the less privileged.

 

Gratitude heals us, being sensitive to others plight or situation makes you human. If somebody tells you are over sensitive its not you, its them....they dont understand your sensitivity, they will never, leave them.

 

Be grateful for the life you have, your parents, your siblings, your friends, your kids, your partner, they are your real treasures.

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They say when you are broken something keeps you alive and life slowly starts building, there is this reality that we miss when we are down and almost left with no support.

 

I started off with meditation, some journalling, 10 min workouts sometimes i continued for an hour, i kept on going never stopped some days were very hard and memories came and i kept feeling them until it passed away. The time i spent with those memories reduced day by day, now am in control of what to think , when to stop and how not to react to certain situations in life.

 

I took up some courses and attempted 2 exams this month, the time spent alone away from the people due to coronavirus and the lockdown was really tough but i kept with a routine.

 

today i can proudly say i got these 2 cloud certifications.

 

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Am the only one in the big company of mine to earn it and people are just going crazy asking me how i prepared, what labs, tools and materials i used.

 

Well sometimes hardwork does help you grow as a person, it has been a lesson for me to stay away from abuse, walk away from people who don't deserve even a moment of your life.

 

I don't know if am a strong person today but am more aware about people and will always guard myself from those who don't care for my well being.

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Keep working on your yourself in silence and let success speak for you in return.

 

I never understood before what it means to guard yourself your thoughts your ambition your own way of working through life issues, if you have any goals in life any thing you want to achieve work towards it on your own learn the skills and surprise everybody once you achieve them. The lesson you learnt in life is for you and only you.

 

All failures have a lesson in there, understand failure in life happen for your growth, you learn from it and keep going forward in life. Use those learnings to understand the gaps in you applying that knowledge. You only fail if you stop. Don't let failure stop your goals & aspirations, if things didn't work out this time, try a different approach but never stop.

 

Relationships are different never go back to someone who disrespected,manipulated you, they have their own issues to sort, this does not make them a bad person just that they are not in a good state to be in relationships. Let them go cause you need your peace, you have your life your goals your aspirations, if they don't want to be with you its them not you.

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I don't chase people anymore if they want to spend time with me they will do so, am content with living alone and my company :)...celebrating being single and doing my own thing.

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ok the whole isolation due to the pandemic does take a lot out of you. I see people now moving around without masks, i ventured out to get Gas with a mask & a hoodie on, just to drive a around a bit, surprisingly its a normal life for many.

 

Few people i thought don't realize there is no vaccine around for corona virus and are roaming around as if there is no pandemic.

 

Layoffs are happening quietly in companies. i wish companies around the world would cut their top executive salaries by 10 to 20% and save this jobs . I hope all find courage through these tough times.

Too many businesses down, people losing jobs, people worried about paying their rents, taxes, loans etc. People living in abuse with their spouses, breakups, its really a big mess that this coronavirus has brought about.

 

The world is not going to be the same once we get through this.

 

Today i skipped my meditation and journaling, i will do my work out in the evening, talk to Mom who is staying at our ancestral home. i love to hear her voice her smile and the way she jokes about life in general. i miss her to be honest.

 

unfortunately she doesn't like smartphones so cant do video calls, never see the pictures i send her :(

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I used to temp for a company that needed to cut costs. So they let a lot of upper management go, including my boss who was the Controller. I'm sure it was awful for him, going from a six figure salary to nothing but they were able to keep more jobs by letting him and other executives go.

 

But the upper level executives don't want to lose their jobs. So it results in the lowest paid people losing their jobs, who are ill-equipped to go without a paycheck. I'm extremely fortunate to have 3 months expenses saved up but too many people are not able to do that.

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so true, the lowest paid become the easy targets , how having a good savings plan really helps, am avoiding on many unwanted purchases these days.

With many governments officially declaring recession things have really become tough.

Few of my friends have lost jobs but they are managing by renting out their second homes.

Others are posting over LinkedIn taking up any online job coming their way these days

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today was one of those bad days for me kept remembering her bad behaviour the panic attacks the lies and everything just felt so unreal about the relationship. cursed me sometimes to get involved with someone that was far from the person she was initially. Am way too gullible in terms of understanding a persons character, do people one day get up and hurt you with words actions just like that, no i guess they already have lot of anger and hate for you before they start acting like that. Nobody who says that they love you can hurt you and cause damage to your well being.

She is broken and damaged and i don't know why i got attached to her, this whole white night syndrome, thinking of you are going to save somebody somehow, becomes a part your system while growing up. Sometimes i feel bad relationships teach you a lot but you change something breaks inside you and that part of you never comes back its gone, you come to the realisation that the world around you is not what you thought it is, there are bad people and there are good people, there are more bad people than good people.

 

Unfortunately all these people are around you, they lead a healthy life as they show to the society but deep down they are these pathetic souls who are broken and need urgent help/therapy.

 

Why do these people show all the goodie goodie stuff initially and one fine day leave you in a mess.

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been a week without my usual work out schedule, mediation was off track, finally after few bad days worked out, have a schedule with a customer project tonight. So hopefully the whole release in production will go through without hassles.

 

One thing i observed the moment am doing some work be it the project documentation, presentations or just studies, focus automatically comes in , all those negative feelings don't come and byte me.

 

Just watching Mentalist on prime, completed Bosch all 6 seasons, awesome crime investigative series, i love those crime mysteries, the way they say it - its what not in the details that you need to look out for. Ain't it right in real life too, its what in the person that you don't know that could turn out to be so bad and damaging for your health, lol. Life is so beautiful without all the drama around.

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Believe in your greatness & never fear your growth. Love yourself through your mistakes & your misguided actions. There will be many whispers along the way that are grounded in hate & filled with jealousy. Keep going, keep moving. God is not finished with you yet -- Brian

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Been putting in lot of hours at work , studies and taking few more professional courses & exams.

Life sometimes gives you hope when we cant see any, there is strength in weakness too. Key is to find that tiny bit of strength and work through those hard times in your life. Never lose yourself through bad circumstances in life. Hang in there and keep doing something positive for your self, be grateful for what you have learned and achieved in life. Knowledge, experience are so powerful that nobody can take that away from you, It will always support you through your darkest times. Believe and keep moving ahead.

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Slightly proud of myself to not let the bad phase of this life overcome me with sadness and sorrow.

 

Sharing this small moment of happiness while going through it. I hope i keep going and look back to these days as a tremendous lesson learnt something i shall never regret at all.

 

[ATTACH=CONFIG]11634[/ATTACH] [ATTACH=CONFIG]11635[/ATTACH] [ATTACH=CONFIG]11637[/ATTACH] [ATTACH=CONFIG]11638[/ATTACH]

 

[ATTACH=CONFIG]11636[/ATTACH]

 

Earning Criteria

• Juniper Networks Certified Associate, Cloud (JNCIA-Cloud)

• Juniper Networks Certified Associate, Automation and DevOps (JNCIA-DevOps)

• Juniper Networks Certified Design Associate (JNCDA)

• Juniper Networks Certified Associate, Security (JNCIA-SEC)

• Juniper Networks Certified Associate, Junos (JNCIA-Junos)

Edited by Spawn
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Went out to get groceries, interesting to see loads of people not wearing masks or gloves, at least they should wear a mask. I felt like there was no pandemic at all.

No social distancing people were bringing in kids old people, the infections are growing and still people are not taking it serious.

I hope the vaccine gets tested soon.People are losing patience and now WHO says its at dangerous levels, where were they when it was being spread in Nov/Dec, why didn't they ask countries to shut their borders.

I think nobody was prepared for this pandemic even after knowing that it was unstoppable.

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People interpreted the government's decision to "reopen" businesses as proof the pandemic is over.

 

They won't be concerned unless or until they get it or someone they care about gets it.

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Yes so bad people knowingly are putting themselves their families and everybody around in danger.

 

A nearby place just got completely quarantined few infections in that block its spreading fast hope these people recover and all take precautions.

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But they're so tired of staying home! They're bored! They miss their friends! They hate home schooling their kids! Masks are HOT and make them sweat! Only old people are dying! There's a 99% recovery rate!

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lol some of these people give you all the right advises like take precautions social distancing.

 

world will change a lot after this pandemic is over, am not sure governments are preparing much for the next one.

 

Instead of making all these nuclear missiles war grabbing some lands we should be seriously looking at making people lives better.

 

Why is it so difficult for the trumps, the xinpings to understand?

 

All these unlimited power when you are on the top position of the country and still cant do the right thing.

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